Newest Member: Serenity7

Reconciliation :
Questions for the betrayed who've healed

default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 9:03 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Thanks everyone. He's arguing with me that she's a psychopath who is a threat to him and his career and he thinks blocking her will cause him trouble. He says I'm being "ridiculous".

I just don't believe him. I think subconsciously he's unwilling to shut the door because her chasing after him is still attention.

He's guilt tripping me though, and that makes me even sadder. I've told him he has to do as I ask or leave in the morning.

I feel like even if he does it now, because I had to twist his arm so hard that maybe he's just not R material.

He keeps saying he just wants to get on with his life with no more hassle. As if how I feel isn't important.

For me, him ignoring her emails is not no contact. It's still contact.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684246
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 9:06 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I really love my WH and I wish so much this had not happened, but I think because he's so unwilling to do anything/ everything (even the basics like no contact) that maybe my M and my life as I knew it are over.

I don't want to R with someone who wasn't giving it 100%. I feel like that would mean always feeling like nothing in my own eyes. sad

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684247
default

Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

R isn’t even possible if you’re still in infidelity — which is the case here. If he has still not told her to go NC forever, or is only NOT contacting her to avoid drama at home — that’s a giant red flag.

He’s still in his fantasy world.

I think you called it, he’s hedging — because of fear. He’s afraid he can’t be ‘right’ in your eyes again, while he is still a someone to AP.

And he’s right, this scar doesn’t go away, but if he pulls his head out of his…..well if he wakes up in time, he can still save his M. Or not.

Tough call, but there sure isn’t any chance for R until he lets go of his bull$#@.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8684248
default

This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

He's arguing with me that she's a psychopath who is a threat to him and his career and he thinks blocking her will cause him trouble. He says I'm being "ridiculous".

He should have thought about that before he put his dick in crazy.

How would blocking her email even get back to her?

Does she send them with read receipts? I mean, I just don't get it.

You aren't being ridiculous.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1329   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8684249
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 9:50 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

He still works for the same company, so he can't block her for ALL email. I am asking him to tell her he wants no personal emails. He says this will start her off....she's threatened and blackmailed him before.

He also blocked her on messenger, but not Facebook. So she can still send him friend requests and see things mutual friends post. I've told him this is not full "no contact" and he needs to properly block her so he ceases to exist for her

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684253
default

13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 10:16 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I've told him he has to do as I ask or leave in the morning.

You must follow through. Do you have a plan?

He says this will start her off....she's threatened and blackmailed him before.

Threatened what? Blackmailed him with what? Is he going to live like this for the rest of his career or is he going to sack up and take his lumps?

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684259
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 10:45 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

The threats and blackmail were mostly her saying she will tell the police he hit her. He never hit her obviously, but she's a psycho. She used to call and say she was going to ruin him and hang up. She really is an absolute vile specimen. But I think he has some sort of toxic bond with her, where the crazy makes him feel loved. I think this is why he won't stop her by whatever means.

I agree he needs to man up. He thinks ignoring her is the solution, but I know it isn't. She will just be emailing in a week / a month / ten years and I can't live like this.

Tonight in the face of this argument he's been pretty awful. He even started gaslighting me. He was saying "how do I know YOU are not cheating me ME"

WFT. I've never cheated, so what a weird thing to say. Tonight was the first time he's ever shouted at me. His desperation to avoid blocking her speaks volumes.

I really think what's going on here is that he's psychologically unwilling to let AP fully go. Not that he wants to BE with her, but more like he feeds off her obsession with him.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684264
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 10:53 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

What's going on now is that he's packing his stuff to leave. I told him to do it or GTFO and he seems to have chosen GTFO.

Sorry to be sharing my real time crappy life, but it's hard to deal with that he'd rather end our M than block his AP.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684265
default

13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 10:59 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I'm so sorry, Grace. Stand your ground. He might be trying to call your bluff, like a little kid running away from home. Either way, he's got to know that you mean business.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 11:01 PM, Wednesday, August 18th]

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684266
default

Oldwounds ( Member #54486) posted at 11:09 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

You're standing up for YOU.

That's awesome.

All of the language he using -- blame shifting, denial, calling you ridiculous -- all signs of someone who is in full wayward mode.

I am sorry. I realize that no amount of standing up for you makes you FEEL better, although at some point you will appreciate your strength.

No one ever wins the "pick me" game.

His AP may be crazy, he still has to be the one to shut it all down. NC. Complete NC.

He is either all in on YOU or he's out. He isn't safe or trustworthy right now.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4175   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8684269
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 11:48 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I'm just so disappointed in him. He's really repentant now and saying he will leave but will "sort it out". I told him if he leaves he isn't welcome back.

I feel like this should be a decision that's easy for him. But full wayward mode

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684273
default

ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 12:20 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Fact: he doesn't deserve you let alone anyone else in his current state of mind. The hard part is realizing that you've been with this guy, who so well disguised himself for a long time, and didn't know it. I'm sorry - it is a lot to take.

You are strong; he is not. You are able to realize your value - he cannot. You are going to process and grow he will not.

Please know you are admired and cared for because you count big time.

Hugs to you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684278
default

ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 12:20 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Fact: he doesn't deserve you let alone anyone else in his current state of mind. The hard part is realizing that you've been with this guy, who so well disguised himself for a long time, and didn't know it. I'm sorry - it is a lot to take.

You are strong; he is not. You are able to realize your value - he cannot. You are going to process and grow he will not.

Please know you are admired and cared for because you count big time.

Hugs to you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684279
default

ISurvivedSoFar ( Member #56915) posted at 12:20 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Fact: he doesn't deserve you let alone anyone else in his current state of mind. The hard part is realizing that you've been with this guy, who so well disguised himself for a long time, and didn't know it. I'm sorry - it is a lot to take.

You are strong; he is not. You are able to realize your value - he cannot. You are going to process and grow he will not.

Please know you are admired and cared for because you count big time.

Hugs to you.

DDay Nov '16
Me: BS, a.k.a. MommaDom, Him: WS
2 DD's: one adult, one teen,1 DS: adult
Surviving means we promise ourselves we will get to the point where we can receive love and give love again.

posts: 2590   ·   registered: Jan. 15th, 2017
id 8684280
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 2:29 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Thank you. In the end he caved in and did it and apologised. He said he's just scared of what she might do to him / me. I think he got accustomed to trampling my boundaries, like I said.

I feel like I'm a LONG WAY from some of the enlightened souls I've read on here who really GET what they've done and what they need to do to fix it.

I read some of the wayward posts on here and wish my WH had anything like that level of empathy, self-awareness etc.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684302
default

Want2BHappyAgain ( Member #45088) posted at 3:50 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I read some of the wayward posts on here and wish my WH had anything like that level of empathy, self-awareness etc.


You would be amazed at some of the FIRST posts of a few WSs on here. I couldn't post to their threads in the Wayward Forum because I was afraid it would get me banned!! Very FEW WSs have empathy or self-awareness on Dday...and some of them take a long time. I don't know if your WH will get it...but I can PROMISE you that even if he doesn't...YOU WILL HEAL smile .

I can also promise you that the "pick me dance" NEVER WORKS. NEVER. I did the "pick me dance" like a PRO with my 1st H...and I WON...he came back to me. Only...I caught him with another adultery co-conspirator almost 2 years later crying . Looking back...it makes me SICK to think of the groveling I did to get a few more years of false R. Don't be ME.

What I am quite proud of though...is the way I acted when my 2nd H confessed to adultery. I immediately told him the M was OVER...no emotion whatsoever. It was very matter-of-fact...and then I got up to leave the room so he could message the adultery co-conspirator and plan THEIR life together because OURS was DONE!!

Always remember...YOU are the treasure Dear Lady smile . Your WS is showing the classic signs of a cake eater...he wants BOTH you and the adultery co-conspirator. If you don't want to have a third person in your M...you need to make that very CLEAR to him. It sounds like you have said the words...but your actions may have faltered a time or two. That is perfectly normal...it is HARD to just walk away from someone you love (((HUGS))). Don't worry...we all have a misstep a time or two smile .

If you want what you are going through now to STOP though...you have to be very CLEAR in your WORDS...and follow them up with your ACTIONS. My ULTIMATUMS on Dday were not that many...and weren't that hard...but they were what I NEEDED in order to even consider R.

What do YOU need to consider R? What are you willing to do if your needs aren't met? If you need to write them down...please do. This will help you AND your WH to KNOW where you stand smile . Also remember...2 steps forward and 1 step back is still progress grin ! Your WH COULD have left...but he didn't. That is a GOOD forward step. He also blocked the adultery co-conspirator...another forward step. Keep up the good work toward getting YOUR NEEDS met. Your WH will either RISE to your expectations...or he won't. You can then decide if he doesn't...whether it is a dealbreaker...or a setback.

A "perfect marriage" is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.

With God ALL things are possible (Matthew 19:26)

I AM happy again...It CAN happen!!!

From respect comes great love...sassylee

posts: 5567   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2014   ·   location: Southeastern United States
id 8684312
default

 GraceLoves (original poster Member #78769) posted at 11:43 AM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

Thanks everyone. Looking back on the thread I started, I think the real problem is that I made the decision to try and R and deep down I know WH is not even close to giving me what I need.

I think I'd be able to feel more positive about the future and all the doubts I have if I felt at least like I could say he was giving it 100%.

But he doesn't. He says he does, but he doesn't. He blame shifts and gaslights and rug sweeps and says dumb stuff like "this isn't fun for me either".

AP is crazy. I'll accept that. She's a genuine psycho, but HE invited this person in and resists closing the door fully.

He's had bad depression and anxiety due to all this, and so he makes it all about him. But I'm not responsible for the mess of his life. He made it!!

I feel like he's going to need a long time to sort himself out and what he can offer me in the meantime is pretty minimal.

I love yous. Hugs. Doing the laundry. Making me lunch. He's sweet and attentive, but there's nothing being done to actually work through this.

He is also topsy-turvy about moving job / relocating. Crazily enough we moved thousands of miles away from AP and the crazy bitch has showed up a few weeks later "vacationing" 20 miles away and trying to message and call. I feel like this woman will never stop and he won't stand up to her.

Today he looks old, frail and sick. He's lost a lot of weight, his hair went really grey.

He says SUCH stupid things to me. Like "I love you, I quit my job and moved for you, I'm with you 24/7, why do I need to invite drama by confronting AP".

He just doesn't GET that her messaging and so on, even if he doesn't reply, is her keeping a presence in our lives and I CANNOT heal.

I'm so worn down today. I often wonder if he didn't just do too much damage. We both seem like broken people.

He says sorry for shouting and saying wrong things. He's just worried if he loses me his life is nothing. He doesn't understand losing me is something he can prevent by doing the right thing.

posts: 78   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8684329
default

The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:14 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

His desperation to avoid blocking her speaks volumes.

He’s avoiding the elephant in the room. He is letting his fears rule his logic and he’s making the wrong choices.

Him blocking her is not going to provoke her to do anything other than continue her crazy behavior. He needs to put you first and not his fears.

She needs to prove he hit her, if she goes down that route. Her blackmail tactics will cease when they no longer work or your H stands up to her.

Get an attorney to send a letter she needs to stop contacting him. Then enforce it.

And then maybe your healing can begin.

If the crazy OW is out to get him and ruin him he has no one to blame but himself. But he needs to man up and face ur head on. He can not be a coward.

That is why you are in the situation you are in. You cannot heal if you are in limbo. And by putting g the AP first — your marriage is in limbo.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10526   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8684336
default

13YearsR ( Member #58259) posted at 3:16 PM on Thursday, August 19th, 2021

I think I'd be able to feel more positive about the future and all the doubts I have if I felt at least like I could say he was giving it 100%.

It's not possible for him to give 100% while OW's still in the picture. Nice little gestures don't mean anything. He's got to get to work building a wall between your marriage and the OW and then he needs to defend it. And mean it. That must happen first.

I agree that a visit to an attorney is in order. STAT. Your H needs some advice on how to handle this bunny boiler properly and legally. That ought to help him feel more empowered. I think he's afraid of her and operating out of that fear. Nothing good can ever come out of that.

Yes, he did this to you both. He brought the monster to the door. Are you willing to be his wingman to help him get out of this mess? If he's truly operating out of fear and not still in the A, helping him might be empowering for you both. If you can't stomach it, though, I 100% understand.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

DDay 2004 Successful R and going on 33 years married

posts: 438   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8684355
default

sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 2:37 AM on Friday, August 20th, 2021

I feel like I'm a LONG WAY from some of the enlightened souls I've read on here who really GET what they've done and what they need to do to fix it.

I'm not quite sure you understand the rest of us - and how could you? We're anonymous strangers in anonymous places.

I share an aspect or 2 of my experience, or I write what I think is enough to make my point. I know the stuff I don't share, but no reader does. You know most of the stuff that goes on in your head, including stuff you don't post. I think crazy stuff goes on in everyone's heads, even if it doesn't show up in posts.

You are probably as sane and as capable as the rest of us. smile

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:38 AM, Friday, August 20th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26008   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8684465
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.000.20210918 2002-2021 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy