Newest Member: Qashess

New Beginnings :
Starting a new relationship. But feelings popping up.

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 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 1:19 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

I divorced 2 years ago I think. We were together 8 before the divorce, so I've known her for about 10 years.

I spent some time NC, but had to discuss money and slowly decided I wanted to figure out what went wrong.

In those 2 years, we've remained good friends. I've kept my distance, because I want to experience something new.

I would say we went through an "R" of sorts. I saw real remorse. And she's understood from the start that my intentions are not to just get back together. So I don't feel anywhere in my heart that it's a false or manipulative remorse.

In my mind, we're really good friends. She's a good person at heart, but she has her own issues. I have mine. And these issues seem to feed off each other.

I'll amend that. I see her as family still. But I don't know how. I wonder if part of me still sees her as my wife? Part of me does think I could still have a life with her, and it would end up being a happy one, even though it would take some work.

2 years ago I would have said R is impossible. Now, I can see it as a possibility.

These feelings very suddenly popped up. The new relationship I'm starting is very exciting for me. It feels very natural. We feel very compatible in many ways.

It's actually moving really fast, and both of us noticed that. But it's also hard not to think about the future together. I'm really happy right now.

But very suddenly I started panicking a little thinking about having to cut my ex out of my life. Once our friendship resumed, I never imagined her out of my life, even though I've kept my distance. I enjoy visiting her occasionally,.seeing my old "family" and her kid.

The person I'm dating was cheated on by her husband with his girlfriend. He was actually with this GF before they married, so that really screwed with her. So I can tell she's uncomfortable with my relationship with my ex.

I feel weird. I think most people in my shoes wouldn't even be friends with their ex. But I suddenly realized Im very worried about having to make a choice.

I was holding the girl I'm dating while napping when suddenly I dreamt of a very bad situation that happened to my ex, and I woke up panicked and worried she was hurt.

Are these feelings normal? Basically, my ex was my world for the last decade. I don't have any family or friends here. The thought of having to say goodbye and hurt her, is really tearing me up.

I know I'm going to be met with some hopium responses, or that I don't own her anything. I know that. But I still feel this way. Excluding her big F up and several other issues, she's been there for me for so long.

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8683594
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 8:41 PM on Sunday, August 15th, 2021

. I see her as family still. But I don't know how. I wonder if part of me still sees her as my wife? Part of me does think I could still have a life with her, and it would end up being a happy one, even though it would take some work.

2 years ago I would have said R is impossible. Now, I can see it as a possibility

.

If this is the way you are feeling, it is unfair to the woman you are dating to continue on with her. You mentioned things are progressing quickly, so I'm sure feelings are growing. You are going to break her heart, and she does not deserve that.

You need to figure out what you want, and not by monkey branching between two women. If you aren't careful, you could slide down the slippery slope into EA territory. Don't do that.

If I were you, I would seriously pump the brakes on this new love, and figure myself out with a clear head and no distractions. Good luck!

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4364   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8683660
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 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 7:23 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Definitely not monkey branching. I've wanted to either be alone or have a new relationship these past 2 years. I don't see my ex as a backup, or a plan B.

I've already talked with this woman and was very upfront about my past, and current friendship with my ex. That was one of the first things I did, because of her past.

I've told her my choice will be my new relationship.


I've told her that EAs are easily initiated by situations like this.

I've told her that I'm very aware of actions that lead to EAs. That I will not allow these situations to occur (being alone, new friends etc). And that I will always welcome her to talk with me if anything ever seems off about anything. Because I don't ever want to slip down the slope myself.

I'm really really into this woman. And she's crazy about me. I feel like everything I've been through was worth it, if it's made me a better man and a better partner for this woman.

It was just a little confusing to have some of these feelings pop up. I certainly didn't expect it.

Those feelings felt a little stronger yesterday, but when meeting the girl I'm dating today I felt very at ease.

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8683714
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:12 PM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

It's great that you've been so open with this new lady, and that you are very self-aware.

Forgive me, but I don't know your history. I'm assuming you don't have children with your ex? Since you were NC and needed to discuss finances, etc. Have you considered that maybe a friendship with her isn't in your best interest? That it is causing these feelings to come up while you are in a new relationship, and causing confusion. I get that you were together for many years, but what does she add to your life today? If you aren't going to reconcile with her, I'm not sure how maintaining a friendship is working for you in the long run.

If the finances are settled, and you have no children together, I see a friendship with her being a source of tension in any new relationship you have. Just my opinion. Some more emotional distance could help you with your confusing feelings. Stop at cordial, without having an actual ongoing friendship with her with phone calls and texts and lunches, etc.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4364   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8683723
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 1:30 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

very suddenly I started panicking a little thinking about having to cut my ex out of my life. Once our friendship resumed, I never imagined her out of my life, even though I've kept my distance.

You're only two years out. That's really early for someone who isn't just walking away from the WS. I think what you are really suffering from is your lizard brain flipping out about another woman rapidly scaling the walls to your heart. Your heart is safe from WS because she is safely in the friend zone because of your incompatibilities. You get the friends part of a relationship from the WS with out the risk to your romantic heart. To me, it's time for you to scale back on the friendship with the ex for a while.

[This message edited by grubs at 1:30 AM, Tuesday, August 17th]

posts: 750   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8683859
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 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 10:06 AM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

@Whothebleep

It seems like, she didn't have the time or resources I did. She hasn't healed yet. I remember being in that spot. So I'm just trying to be as open and honest as I can.

I know whatever history or feelings I try to hide will ultimately feed her monsters more.

As for my ex, what do I get? It's a good question. I imagine I get whatever anyone gets out of a good friendship. Which is maybe doubly important for me, because I'm alone in a different country. Really, she's the most dependable person in my life. Just not romantically suitable or dependable for me.

We live in different cities. Talks these days are cordial. Typically we've had a visit every few months or so. She had a kid with her AP (they broke up after their kid). I enjoy seeing her daughter and my "ex niece" a lot. Also some of the feral cats I raised.

I know visits are now off the table. I'm fine with that.

@Grubs

Yes. I feel as though it was a reaction as well. What really triggered this emotion was a dream of an accident she was in. I awoke panicked, as though I had just re lived all the emotions from that day.

Ironically that event was the first clear sign that we were romantically incompatible. Heh.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 10:09 AM, Tuesday, August 17th]

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8683901
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Gottagetthrough ( member #27325) posted at 5:00 AM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

I think you are a good man who doesnt want to hurt someone he used to love. I think cutting out the friendship will be easier for you than you think. I think the person who will be most negatively affected is your EX WW, and unfortunately that is her fault. It is not your job to support her and make her happy anymore.

Be happy with the new love and bid farewell to a love that is over.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 5:00 AM, Wednesday, August 18th]

posts: 3585   ·   registered: Jan. 22nd, 2010
id 8684090
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 1:55 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

One of the most difficult parts for many of us was that disconnection of the connection with our ex's. This is a person who knows your history (and lived it), they are the person you shared your day to day with, etc. When that relationship ends, it is natural to long for that. It is such a void. You guys have found a way to keep in touch and have a minimal version of that.

Now is that healthy? The responses will vary on that. Some of us totally disconnect but there are others on here that have been able to redefine that relationship into some sort of friendship. I have seen it IRL as well.

I think you will find as your NB takes off, your need to continue this relationship with your ex will trickle off.

I suspect your dream stems from your body/mind/heart catching up to your NB.

I can tell you, at two years out, I felt VERY good about where I was and my healing. But each year it got so much better.

Enjoy your NB. Those early stages of a new relationship are so much fun.

posts: 6667   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8684115
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fraeuken ( member #30742) posted at 2:55 PM on Saturday, September 4th, 2021

I am a BS and was dating a man who has much of the issue you describe. In his case children are involved but the inability to detach was larger with much head and heart space taken up by his ex that should have been reserved for me.

It was very painful to be on the receiving end of this and I walked away. Your new partner does not deserve this, you are already hurting her and the chances of a healthy relationship.

I know I sound harsh but grow up and make sound decisions. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.

posts: 1333   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 8687123
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 10:07 PM on Tuesday, September 7th, 2021

It looks to me like you are feeling strong nostalgia, recollection, sentimentality held with a strong amicable attachment to your ex.

For new beginnings to be new beginnings, for your own sake, please detach from the past. Look at it fondly with good memories if you must. But detach from your ex. She is no longer in your life. And vice versa.

And if you feel you don't want to detach from your ex, for whatever reasons, then do the right thing by your new lady.

"Healing is not about moving on or "getting over it," it’s about learning to make peace with our pain and finding purpose in our lives again."

posts: 213   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8687473
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 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 8:29 AM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

Whatever experiences some of you had, I'm sorry. But I'm not them, and my friendship has not impacted my ability to put all my effort and energy into this relationship.

Funnily enough, I ended it just now because of her issues being very very unfair to me.

This shit sucks. ****.

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8687669
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 2:26 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021

I'm sorry, Ganondorf. It really does suck sometimes. I find that post infidelity shitshow, relationship struggles are even more painful than they might have been otherwise. Take some time for yourself. Spend time with friends. I hope you are not sad for too long.

I have a lot keeping me busy in my life right now. I am nowhere near a dating frame of mind. But I know one day things will settle, and I wonder if I'm even going to want to try. Relationships, including my marriage, have been nothing but disappointments. Why keep going there...

I feel you. You aren't alone, friend.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4364   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8687693
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 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 8:07 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Thanks, WhoTheBleep

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 188   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8688719
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