Temporarily independent with the whole world at my feet.
The SI community knows best
Checking in with a story as a warning to others.
My NB is now almost 10 years old, with one longer term serious relationship that ended after a few years for various reasons [mental health issues and significant age difference that had us in very different places in life] and a relationship that is about one year old now with a man who I thought had all the potential, except he was separated only, not divorced yet, and clearly not healed from his past marriage.
I had read about this scenario and the pitfalls associated with that on here many times, but I threw all caution into the wind and fell head over heels. Love conquers all, doesn't it? Or so I thought. And to be clear, I am not the OW, the separation had happened prior (total of 4 years with some reconciliation effort in the middle) and he had been moved out fully for a good portion of that time.
I would encourage everybody who is in NB to read carefully what seasoned members have to say. I could have saved myself a lot of heartache and clearly, I have some work to do on myself not to repeat the mistakes again and to see the red flags early.
Dating somebody who is not over their past relationship, even though they will assure you that they are, and who is manipulated and controlled by an ex through various means, is simply not an option unless you are pain shopping, no matter how much you love them.
Over the last six months I have seen - in no particular order - withholding of kids as punishment, particularly as holidays and overnights are concerned, all day and night barrages of texts and repeat, harassing calls (at some point about one every 30 seconds for hours), verbal assault and emotional abuse, irresponsible financial activities, child alienation ("you look like me, 12 year old DD, and so dad doesn't love you because he doesn't love me anymore'), trashing of me, unreasonable demands to jump at a moment's notice, kids living in borderline hoarder situation , massive and unreasonable performance pressure on the kids, constant threats about anything in the book - and to my absolute astonishment I am witnessing a man who neither fights for his kids, nor his finances nor his own personal peace but who is either deadly afraid and conditioned or who has still some emotional attachment, and accommodates the craziness just not to stir the pot.
The first 6 months were going well and we were building our relationship; as with any co-parenting situation for underaged kids, of course there was contact but all seemed to be in normal range.
Once his former partner got wind of me and that we were becoming serious, the behavior started and never stopped since. Challenging him on his response leads to stonewalling and pretty much the only statement I can get is that he doesn't want to cause any hurt because he thinks she will do / say something crazy to the kids. This stress has caused him to have health issues having him on a heart monitor, he gained probably 30 pounds, and is a nervous wreck with sleep and stomach issues and frequent nose bleeds. This has so negatively impacted our relationship not only because he is emotionally and mentally unavailable often times but also because I have lost respect for him not to protect his children in this nightmare and to draw the necessary legal, financial and emotional boundaries.
I believe in partnership, commitment, love and that there is somebody out there with whom that is possible and who is emotionally mature enough to be able to work for that and I don't want to be Debbie Downer to anybody. But I wanted to put this out here because I actually saw the red flags and ignored them - even when things were going well for us I saw his need to accommodate her, the underlying fear of her that I heard through our conversations, the tension when there was any level of interaction but I brushed it aside. I should have recognized that we both have much work to do for different reasons and that we were not ready.
15 comments posted: Monday, July 12th, 2021
You can't make this up - they will never change!
So, this happened Friday before Father's Day and then again this week and since this is impacting me more than I care to admit, I figured posting here might be cathartic.
Friday before Father's Day, XH was supposed to pick up DD17 from my house for his weekend. He decided he needed childcare for his youngest daughter, whom he conceived with OW before we were divorced, and so he dropped this child off at my house, lunch box and ipad for entertainment included. He did not have the courtesy to inform anybody until about being 15 minutes out from arrival time and 'surprised' DD17 with her babysitting duty. She literally had just gotten the text messages from her father upon waking up.
Thank God, DDs boyfriend had the quick mind to suggest a beach visit and ushered DD17 and affair child out of the house. Don't get me wrong; this little girl has gotten the raw end of the deal and I know better than to not ever treat her with kindness.
This week he asked for DD17 to babysit for several days at his house. No big deal but her car is in the shop and the drive to his house is over 1 hour each way, so not something you can easily Uber. His solution was for me to drop off DD17 and pick her up again, spending over 4 hours on the road for his convenience.
I finally lost it with him. WHO DOES THIS? It never changes, but the level of disrespect was really something I am struggling with.
9 comments posted: Sunday, July 5th, 2020