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Newest Member: Seekinghelptoo

New Beginnings :
Starting a new relationship. But feelings popping up.


Oldwounds ( member #54486) posted at 5:21 PM on Wednesday, December 1st, 2021

And your reaction is normal.

When rejection happens, however it happens - via infidelity or people simply walk away - we consider it must be something about US that is wrong.

I think every relationship, new or old, fights for two key issues:

Feeling safe enough to be vulnerable.
Not allowing unmet expectations or insecurities to erode the aforementioned safe zone/vulnerability.

If she didn’t feel the investment was worth the risk, she withdrew her feelings and walked. It becomes the old line, "It’s not you, it’s me."

Which is true.

My guess is it wasn’t that she saw you as less of person, just a higher risk if your feelings and commitment didn’t match hers — based on her perception.

Be kind to yourself.

You showed some empathy for a person in your life and you were honest about it.

All we can do is be ourselves and maybe, maybe find someone who appreciates the honesty more than they fear the future.

Married 34+ years, together 40+ years
Two awesome adult sons.
Dday 6/16 4-year LTA Survived
Restoration takes time.
"Circumstances don't make the man, they only reveal him to himself." ― Epictetus

posts: 4269   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2016   ·   location: PNW. The adventure continues.
id 8701970

 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 3:36 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021


Again nothing related to my ExWW. Please don't focus on that.

It doesn't matter. I'll never know why. I can only work on the insecurities that popped up.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 4:45 AM, Thursday, December 2nd]

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 196   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8702067

grubs ( member #77165) posted at 3:57 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Because in my mind. Let me be clear. In my mind, I can't fathom how she would describe me the way she does, and be ok with me doing a 180 and leaving her life. With no resistance Something didn't add up and didn't make sense.

As I understand your story, your exGF has infidelity trauma. With her ex cheating with an exGF. She told you that she loved you deeply. She let you know your close friendship with your ex triggered her somewhat. You're surprised that since she loved you so deeply that she let you walk away without a fight....SMH

Infidelity trauma teaches a BS that their love is not enough. It teaches you to not to stay in a relationship with someone not as invested as you. No matter how deep your love the your SO is. We've been on the losing side of that equation and know first hand our love is not enough. I'm surprised you thought she would behave differently. Infidelity teaches BS to protect themselves first. My tolerance for red flags and indecision are very low. I'm 12 years out. Married, and in love, with the current wife for 7. If my wife so much as tells me she needs space, I'd be filing within a week and not looking back. I wasted too much time with my Ex trying to love and believe enough for both of us. I'm not interested in going down that path again.

You obviously expected your exGF to fight letting you go as misguided as that might be knowing her history. Of course that hurts and brings back the feeling of being unworthy of love as DDay did. You thought she loved you enough to chase you and are crushed that she didn't. Now you're feeling insecure again . I'm actually more concerned that you expected an adult to continue to chase after being 180'd and left. Never the less a betrayed. That's a sign about setting up tests that are near impossible for any healthy SO to pass. Self sabotaging relationships to keep yourself safe. This would be a thing to discuss with an IC.

[This message edited by grubs at 3:59 PM, Thursday, December 2nd]

posts: 900   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8702115

 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 6:02 AM on Thursday, December 9th, 2021


Read what I'm writing. This has nothing to do with my ExWW.

I simply wanted to express my disappointment without going into the details. I just wanted to vent.

But if it quells this reaching. I walked because I'm very much in love with her, and I cannot "be friends" with someone I'm in love with. That's not fair to me.

It wasn't a game or a tactic. It's for my own sanity and to preserve whatever we had. That doesn't mean I'm not frustrated that she put zero resistance.

It supports my idea that I was likely an exit affair or a temporary rebound.

She started putting up a lot of distance. Cold. Phone tilt. Started talking with ExBF that had deleted her and hiding it. “I don't know how I feel”. Avoiding talking about all of the above.

There was no question of my feelings. One of the last things she said to me was "It's obvious your eyes and heart only hold me".

When we talked about our past, I was very very clear that the one thing that would hurt me the most is what she did. It's perhaps the only weak link in my armor. She shoved sword straight in and twisted.

Should I have stayed "just friends" with her? No. Walking was the last act of kindness and love I could do.

I'm equally frustrated with myself for being so attached. I understand my abandonment issues and anxiety more and more. I probably spend more time self reflecting than a lot of people.

It's a tug of war with my ideal image of her and the conclusions I've come to.

It's frustrating and she was right. My eyes and heart hold only her.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 6:22 AM, Thursday, December 9th]

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 196   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8703151

 Ganondorf (original poster member #70843) posted at 5:54 AM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

Tried reaching out. Thought about it a lot. Wanted to be friends.

She is with her ex. Said not to call her again.

Guess I was an AP.

This sucks and hurts.

[This message edited by Ganondorf at 11:41 AM, Friday, December 24th]

Legit forgot my DD and divorce and I'm fine with that.

posts: 196   ·   registered: Jun. 24th, 2019
id 8705722

WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, December 24th, 2021

So it was almost as shocking in my mind when suddenly she became very cold and distant. Actually, that feeling was just like the feeling I had when my ExWW was fence sitting.

So it's been fun trying to reconstruct my perception. Because in my mind. Let me be clear. In my mind, I can't fathom how she would describe me the way she does, and be ok with me doing a 180 and leaving her life. With no resistance Something didn't add up and didn't make sense.

Really left me questioning my worth. Which was also what happened with my ExWW.

It's really interesting how similar my reaction has been to these two very different circumstances, because they both managed to attack the way I perceived the world in the same way.

Your gut knew what was going on. The fact that she is with her ex, and possibly still was while you were together... Yeah. Her behavior and your reaction all make perfect sense.

I'm so sorry she turned out to not be worthy of you. Thank God you found out now and not further down the line. She sounds like an immature turd. Dating you while either cheating or having obvious unresolved feelings for her ex... She needs to grow up. I'm so sorry.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4382   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8705930
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