SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been a little over a month since my sbtx moved out. I'm still coming to grips with yet another new reality. Lots of confusing emotions that I more or less ignore and yet it's peace I seek.

Anything but infidelity. That's the thing I keep coming back to. Although we both tried, I think there was simply too much resentment to overcome. For both of us. I wasn't attracted to her anymore and I think, in turn, that lead to a lack of attraction on her part as well.

I don't regret staying for the kid. However, I didn't truly understand the cost.

I hate that I failed to provide my son with the happy, stable home that I never had. I hate that he has to bounce back and forth between two homes. I hate not seeing every, single day.

I can't imagine ever dating again, or anything close to falling in love again. I've had so many failed relationship in my life that entering a new one seems a bit masochistic.

Mostly, I just feel adrift, wondering what to do next.

I understand the feeling, and it does get better. But, you know, TIME.

This new chapter is just beginning. It’s going to be amazing. How you feel today is not necessarily how you will feel next year.

Take care of you and breathe in deeply the peace that not being in infidelity brings. Keep expanding your reach and trying new things. But mostly, take care of what you need. It is a real adjustment period and it is normal to feel unsettled.

Unhinged, you’ll get there. You know you left for the right reasons and now it’s just a matter of seeing this through. The rest will fall into place, it always does. Rejecting infidelity truly is a win-win situation, although it takes time to see that.

Please be assured that what you are going through is completely normal and all you have to do now is keep going, even if it looks a bit hazy. Just trust the process.

Aww ... lil bro...I am just now seeing this (((HUGS))).

A little over a month is still NEW ... but it IS a step forward .

My parents stayed together until my Mama's death...but infidelity in their marriage kept it FAR from stable. Your son still has a chance to be in a HAPPY home my sweet brother...and I have no doubt YOU will see to it that he will be .

This is a pretty normal feeling shortly after the actual breakup. It's a strange time and adrift is a great description of it. I think it took me about 6 months to really get into the swing of the new life and get to a place of peace. You'll get there. It's an adjustment.

It's good that you don't feel like dating yet. It helps to add to your life with something you're interested in/passionate about that isn't another person. It takes a minute to figure out what that would be too.

There is no shame in trying your best and eventually realizing the affair was a deal breaker. I completely get trying so hard for your son. Now take that energy and focus on him and more importantly on yourself. You trying your best did not fail your son, that still is solely the responsibility of your STBX.

Yes, the alone time is horrible, but rediscover some of your long forgotten passions that were pushed aside by your marriage and explore them. This will both use up some time as well as providing much needed joy in your life.

I like you can't imagine dating or being in another relationship. My exGF killed what little desire my exWW had not already destroyed. I am so done with all the childish behaviors and games. I am not sure what would happen if someone tapped me on the shoulder and said "Hi I'm a mentally stable adult" .

Men like to fix things- so here it goes. Take everything for what it's worth. Maybe good. Maybe bad.

1- I told myself that I would rather model a healthy single-ness than an unhealthy relationship. It might be bullshit, but it has helped.

2- Kids are resilient. The day after XW moved out, the daycare provider asked me what happened to Big Mister. All of a sudden (at 3 years old,) he was a happy little boy again. Before that he had been moody and quiet. The little barometer knew something was wrong and when the tension left the house, he became less tense.

3- Nobody can say you didn't leave it all on the field.

4- I listened when people told me to do things that gave me life. It might work for you, too. That so far has not involved a new sig oth. You don't have to worry about that.

5- I let myself grieve. I went through it all. Sadness, anger, etc. Some of the best advice I got was to just sit in the ashes and be broken until I was done being broken. Feel the sadness. Feel the anger. Bargain with the universe. Pretend it'a all ok. But recognize that those are all parts of the grieving process. Ride it out.

6- Call Minnesota. He's a genius.

You're not alone. We are with you.

Men like to fix things- so here it goes. Take everything for what it's worth. Maybe good. Maybe bad.

1- I told myself that I would rather model a healthy single-ness than an unhealthy relationship. It might be bullshit, but it has helped.

2- Kids are resilient. The day after XW moved out, the daycare provider asked me what happened to Big Mister. All of a sudden (at 3 years old,) he was a happy little boy again. Before that he had been moody and quiet. The little barometer knew something was wrong and when the tension left the house, he became less tense.

3- Nobody can say you didn't leave it all on the field.

4- I listened when people told me to do things that gave me life. It might work for you, too. That so far has not involved a new sig oth. You don't have to worry about that.

5- I let myself grieve. I went through it all. Sadness, anger, etc. Some of the best advice I got was to just sit in the ashes and be broken until I was done being broken. Feel the sadness. Feel the anger. Bargain with the universe. Pretend it'a all ok. But recognize that those are all parts of the grieving process. Ride it out.

6- Call Minnesota. He's a genius.

You're not alone. We are with you.

Minnesota, so good to see you at peace. I remember your early days.

Unhinged, ah, you wanted it all to be perfect immediately? You knew it would have bumps. It’s why I check in. Because yes, you called and I was happy pretty fast…but do you think I had no crashes? No second guesses? No sadness for what my kids were (and are) enduring?

You know it will come. Patience isn’t my virtue either but you will get there.

Two days ago, I had a very difficult trigger and some PTSD. I had to remind myself that I am safe. This stuff lingers. It does. But if we are comparing what happy is to what I was living with…you know what I’m going to say. Take it a day at a time. Get used to feeling adrift but then remind yourself of your connections to others. Plan cool crap to do with your son. Watch old hockey games again like they are just happening. Do something you never thought you’d do. I had a friend this week tell me she tried disc golf. She was laughing like crazy at how hard it was and how bad she did. That? That is joy and living.

A few months in, before Covid really hit, I did these wine meetups. I met all types of people—mostly these amazing older people with fun stories. It was a safe place to just get out and talk and meet people. Find something to push what you are used to. You get to create this new life and can do things out of the box. Use the creative side of you to really enjoy the time you have now to discover new friends and heck, yourself.

You’ve got this. I’ve been rooting for you from the beginning. You will get there.

Dem

I had a friend this week tell me she tried disc golf. She was laughing like crazy at how hard it was and how bad she did.

Tell her throw flat (like 6-8 feet off the ground max) and smooth. Start with slower speed discs (avoid distance drivers). You have to keep the nose down or the disc spends most of it's flight path going sideways instead of forward. Most new people throw on too steep of an angle which just acerbates the nose up problem by really exposing the back edge of the disc to the air.

...sorry couldn't resist the T/J. Been playing since the 80s.

Unhinged.... I now it's corny but.... today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Are you hurting? Sure.
Are you grieving? You bet.
Does that mean you have failed at life? Absolutely not.
Does that mean you haven't been the best dad you knew how to be? Nope. Ain't buying it.

You are a good man who is calm thoughtful and does things in a measured fashion. You knew a good long while ago that your W wasn't giving you what you wanted, but I'm not sure you accepted that she wasn't giving what you or your son deserved. I think you do now, and thus the action.

Life is short. Really short. So focus on healing. Focus on giving your kiddo the kind of dad he deserves.

Then I want you to start focusing on you and what you want and what you deserve. Because if you don't get it for yourself, no one else will.

Please make sure you are taking time each day to do something fun, and something that Unhinged enjoys. It can be simple, it can be complex, it can be free, or it can be costly indulgence. But do it.

I rarely get days off work right now due to having a new job, and they are very strict on leaving early even if the work is done, but today is a day off for me. The fun things I have done today, have included not getting out of bed before 7. Watching some Olympics while having my coffee. Indulging in a lunch of someplace I rarely go to, because my H can't tolerate it (causes tremendous GI upset), cooked a favorite meal for dinner, and took a nap. It's my Saturday, but everyone else is working, but I have made the most of it. In fact my next thing after duncing around on SI is going to be to start happy hour with a bit of Bourbon and perhaps some more Olympics while I fold laundry and vacuum. Why? Because I can.

My point in this silly paragraph is that I take time to make sure I enjoy life, even when I have to do things I don't like to do. And you my friend can do whatever you want when you want now without having to make sure it's ok wiith STBXW, because she doesn't matter anymore. So please go do something fun. As time passes and you build these happy habits you will be very happy with life, and not regret asking for better for yourself.