Newest Member: Strugglinglady

Just Found Out :
Fooled again

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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 5:48 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

She basically thought she would get to stay in the house, continue her lifestyle, and I would leave and go live in a shack somewhere.

The fact that she has no problems with this already shows your value in her eyes and your place in her life.

Actually, we're not seeing it, it's you. We are only interpreting logically what you quoted. All BSs convey what there is, but when there is a difference between what should happen next and what they want to happen, they can falter. I don't see that much in you, you are much more clear.

posts: 519   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8680895
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:54 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Legatus, what you're seeing is regret, panic, and her feeling sorry for herself. WSes themselves say it took 6 months to a year of acting remorseful until they really "got it". A remorseful response to your letter would have been something like: " I can understand that I don't deserve another chance due to the damage I have caused you and our marriage but I'm hoping that one is still possible. Even though it's not what I want, if divorce will bring you peace and healing, I will work with you to come up with a fair split."

posts: 5024   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8680897
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oldmanchris ( new member #78645) posted at 5:56 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

You’re prolly like me - you love to provide for the one you love. This one didn’t deserve it.

Maybe the next one won’t either.

But somewhere out there, there are THOUSANDS of others who do, and who would earn the right to be loved graciously and generously. And who would love you back the same way.

As you can tell, I don’t subscribe to the notion of ‘One Soulmate.’

Feo fuerte y formale

posts: 20   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2021
id 8680898
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 6:51 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

the reason for the delay in filing is just to take a rest. I don’t feel like I’m in crisis. I haven’t felt this relaxed and unafraid for a long time.


Makes sense. Not that it matters but I support this.


Looking back , I think that prompted her to reconcile more so than any emotions she had for me.


yea, sadly that that’s become apparent

Both sources laid out what they would expect my worst case scenario to be, and it wasn’t to to bad.


There’s at least that.

I started referring to him as her boyfriend a couple days ago. She doesn’t like it. She’s more comfortable with inappropriate friend.


Regardless, it’s wrong for her to have that kind of person in her life. Why is inappropriate friend more acceptable than boyfriend?

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8680910
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medieval ( new member #78429) posted at 11:07 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

Rest up and gather your strength.

The final stretch is ahead of you and the life you deserve is waiting for you just up ahead. For her, well as co-parents you have a little bit of time together but that is at best a temporary thing.

You remaining in her life in some way is a carrot that you may be tempted to dangle in front of her to keep the upcoming divorce at least amicable and she may take it and see it as a good thing - something that allows her to maintain the fantasy in her head that she in not "the bad guy". So maybe use that to your advantage.

For now, rest and recover.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: Australia
id 8681027
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 11:36 PM on Tuesday, August 3rd, 2021

That spelled it out, well done.

You know what buddy, tell her you going to divorce her but you'll consider remarrying her in 1380 days.

She's had a boyfriend for 4 years. Sorry pal, you've got a lousy wife.

posts: 362   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8681035
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:40 PM on Saturday, August 7th, 2021

If your children were with her I’d do some DNA tests.

posts: 6707   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8682136
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Newlifeisgreat ( member #71308) posted at 3:39 AM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Just checking in to see how you are doing.

What happened after her counseling session?

Hope you are well.
Hang in there. While there are some difficult days ahead of you, I promise it will get better.

Good luck, stay strong, and do what you have to to be able to look the man in the mirror in the eye each day

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

posts: 664   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2019
id 8682292
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 4:28 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Nothing too much has been going on. I've kept myself in my self imposed holding pattern. We leave today for the big end of the summer family camping trip. I've kind of been hiding out in the preparations for that. Yes, she is going, I just want to enjoy the trip and not have the kids asking a lot of questions. I plan to spend most of the time taking side trips with the kids, fishing, hiking, ect.

Still no timeline, although she says she's been working a lot on it. This might be crappy, but I want to timeline and think it might be one reason I haven't filed. I guess I'm hoping there's enough new information in the timeline to finally blow up the other marriage. It's a long shot, but as petty as it might seem I really want to cause the other guy some discomfort.

I was talking to a friend the other day giving him an update. He's one of my go to people since we've been friends 32 years.
I was telling him that I wish she was saying all the stuff she is saying this time, the last time this happened. She's read the Glass book. She's saying all the right things. But like I've said before, I just interpret everything she does now as a lie/manipulation. That doesn't get me all upset like it used to. I've come to expect it and have lost all desire to chase her. Not a lot worth chasing. There hasn't been any sex, hell, I won't even let her touch me. She's not sleeping in the same room still. I'm not wearing my wedding ring. So, that's where I am now.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8682371
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Set a deadline for the timeline. If you don't get it by X date, you proceed without it. It sounds like she may come through but you never know. We've had BSes who waited years for one. Some times even months while their WS said they were working on it. She should be able to give you one within a couple of days of getting home from your vacation and it's not a good sign if she does not follow through.

posts: 5024   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8682378
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 5:50 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

So nothing happened between them, but she needs a lot of time to prepare the timeline. Interesting.

I suggest you don't wait too long.

By the way, I have no objection to you ruining AP's marriage, but remember that it's your WW who ruined your marriage and owes you loyalty.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 11:51 AM, August 9th (Monday)]

posts: 519   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8682388
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Aletheia ( member #79172) posted at 6:36 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I just interpret everything she does now as a lie/manipulation.


Good.

So nothing happened between them, but she needs a lot of time to prepare the timeline. Interesting.


It’s because she has absolutely no intention on doing it.

I thought your wife already copped to the OBS?

Your best must be just as glorious as your betrayal was destructive.

Don’t allow people to “Life is short” you to amend bad relationships. Forgiveness /= reconciliation. Leave them people where they are. Life was short when they did what they did.

posts: 210   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2021   ·   location: Everywhere & nowhere
id 8682400
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 Legatus (original poster member #79152) posted at 8:14 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

Aletheia - she wrote a letter to the other spouse a couple weeks ago, but it wasn’t sent because I said it should not preceded the timeline. My wife is under the impression I know more than I do. I told her I found a lot of information this time and I wasn’t going to share it with her like I did last time. I told her I might not know everything, but I know enough to know if the timeline is incomplete. I told her I was holding back so I could determine if the timeline was truthful. It’s a bluff, but I’m hoping that helps any timeline she produces be more complete, if I ever get one at all. I’m assuming a PA. I want that to be included in any letter to the other spouse. Part of me thinks she’s done with the timeline already and is waiting until after this campout to give it to me.

posts: 83   ·   registered: Jul. 21st, 2021
id 8682436
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:35 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I understand your strategy and overall thinking.

I wouldn't try to out bluff a cheater and proven liar. She's years ahead of you in testing boundaries, then lying and DARVOing her way out of ever having tested them.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1401   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8682440
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Wanttobebetter ( member #72484) posted at 8:52 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

I wouldn't try to out bluff a cheater and proven liar. She's years ahead of you in testing boundaries, then lying and DARVOing her way out of ever having tested them.

I agree with the above.

OP - I said something similar in another board (mod, let me know if this is not allowed). If you have to spend so much mental energy trying to outsmart your WW just to get the truth, you have to ask yourself is this even worth it anymore.

Best of luck.

posts: 163   ·   registered: Jan. 6th, 2020
id 8682444
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, August 9th, 2021

An excellent thing to say in situations like this is, "Do not underestimate how much I already know."
Good luck

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 127   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8682456
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totallydumb ( member #66269) posted at 4:11 AM on Wednesday, August 11th, 2021

She doesn’t like it. She’s more comfortable with inappropriate friend.

Poor muffin!

How about inappropriate BOYfriend?

The mental gymnastics that cheaters engage in, are sometimes just amazing to me.

Just think of it as more "word salad" that she is using to make it sound less offensive.

If you see your ex with someone else--don't be jealous. Our parents taught us to give our old,used toys to the less fortunate.

posts: 455   ·   registered: Sep. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Alberta, Canada
id 8682753
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 8:44 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

L,

Had a re-read of the thread, and with all that you have posted, it looks like your WS is quite immature.

Don't know about you, but it seems like your WS is caught in high school drama, all the little secret cliques, the whispered secrets and putting down of other people to be in the popular group.

Then the leaving of cards, with corny messages (wouldn't be surprised if one of the cards were a pop-up card). That is the stuff of schoolkids. The secret document? Like passing the slip of paper with invisible ink *giggles*. Infantile.

Not too sure about what your WS is like, but was she part of a clique or was she a loner? If she was a loner, did she always wanted to be in a group? Or was she always in a group? Does she have a need to feel like she has to be part of something (family aside, obviously)?

Your WS seem not to have grown out of the high school mentality. And as a child, one does not consider consequences, as it is all fun and games.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 903   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8683718
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numb&dumb ( Guide #28542) posted at 4:48 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Part of me thinks she’s done with the timeline already and is waiting until after this campout to give it to me.

I am sorry, but if I had to bet money she is hoping that the camping pulls at enough heart strings to go back to the status quo. It worked once so she is hoping it will work again.

FWIW it took courage and optimism the first time you gave her a chance. Once is poor choice twice is pattern. When someone shows you who they really are. . .believe them.

Best of luck as you navigate the next step in this process.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 4979   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8684164
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Jameson1977 ( member #54177) posted at 10:33 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

Legatus, I’m very sorry your WW continues to drag her feet. I got the same “I’ll do anything” statements from my WW, but talk is cheap, and actions speak louder than words.

I’ve been given 3 timelines. The first was complete bullshit. It almost felt like she got home, realized she promised me a timeline and write a couple of notes while she was in her car. The second was a bit better, but still lacked details that I wanted. The third was a bit better than the 2nd, but you see the pattern here. Give just enough and test if it was acceptable. It’s infuriating isn’t it.

The last time she gave me a timeline I asked her a simple question. I said “when you planned your BFF’s birthday, how many hours did you spend planning it?”. She replied “tens of hours”. I asked “and how long did this timeline take you?”. She hung her head and couldn’t really reply. I said “that tells me a lot about how much importance you put on this very, very important request of mine”. Again, actions vs words. My WW failed miserably.

My WE dragged her feet, TT’d me, gaslit me, all of it. It drove me crazy and hindered our R for 3 years. It took finding the right IC for her (which involved me telling her it needed to be set up, within 2 days, or I’m filing for D), her opening up and being totally honest with herself and her IC and many, many sessions to actually make progress.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8684261
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