SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

A dramatic word...but the closest one I have found to what I’m feeling.

My H is doing great pain wise...from a steady 6-8 to a 2-3. And yet mentally, emotionally, and physically he is not making any effort. The stimulator and the reduced pain level, I think, were unofficial benchmarks for moving forward in my mind. But... nothing. He won’t even put his dentures in. Just watches tv, then stares into space when I’m in the room.

My sons still struggle, but there is one that is really frightening me at this time. He can’t seem to catch a break. Car wreck, hospitalization, lost jobs, etc. So he feels hopeless. Today he hit a new low in trying to get money fraudulently. I ask him to leave our home… Where he was staying temporarily for him and his girlfriend to work some things out. I am scared out of my mind that he’s lying his way through life is without remorse and permanently. My heart is broken.

I can imagine that there will be a few thoughts / comments about codependency- but my family is my world, and I’m just so very sad - despondent.

I don’t see anything changing. I’m going to be doing this from now on. I’m never going to get a positive response toward me from my H, and I’m not going to live to see my sons become men of character.

I’m just so sad about it all.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 9:38 PM, July 20th (Tuesday)]

Whatsright, my heart aches for you. I have a friend here who is your clone with the adult children issues. She will say to me ..."I guess this is going to be my life until I die."

I've heard it said and you prove it -- there is nothing stronger than a mother's love and hope for her children.

Thinking of you.

WhatsRight,

Your husband has left the building, I am sorry to say. That is definitely disheartening. I will keep you in my prayers.

I wish I had words of comfort or wisdom. I know you have given your all to your H and sons. Please focus on you now. Your H has chosen his path. You cannot do any more for your sons — they are making their own choices.

Sending you strength and support (((WR)))

I can't imagine not feeling despondent in your shoes. It's so hard watching your children continue to make bad choices. Your husband sounds terribly depressed.

That's a lot of negative energy to be surrounded by.

(((WR)))

Yesterday, my baby son had my H’s phone. I lent it to him because he had lost his.

I get a call from my H’s friend asking if we know anything about our son being broken down out of town, and someone was posing as my H, asking this friend to send cash through “cash app” to help him get his car towed.

Then another friend calls with the same story.

Of course, it was my son.

This has broken me. To me, this is worse than his issues in the past. Drug stuff. Even robbery.

This was using his father’s friends as victims in a scheme.

The friend screen shot the text and sent it to us. When we presented the evidence to him and asked why he would do such a thing, he simply said he didn’t have any money.

He has been so different since the birth of his son. Working hard, much better and more loving relationship with us.

I told him yesterday, as I was taking him back to his apartment with his family, that if having a son was not going to change him, what ever possibly could.

No response of course.

I’m so scared. My heart is broken. My spirit is broken. My hope is gone.

This particular son is the one who was born addicted to crack cocaine due to his birth mothers drug habit. He has been taken to a renown neuropsychologist…since he was about five years old, every two years, until he was about 15. I am not excusing his behavior, I am basing my feeling opinions on what I have observed in him as well as the dr’s diagnosis.

He has been very rebellious and had trouble with the law for the last 10 years off and on.

My mother, who passed away seven years ago, ask me one time… Toward the end of her life… “Do you ever think that he will straighten out and get his life together?” I answered yes that I believed he would. Then she ask me if I thought it would happen in her lifetime. And I had to honestly say, “no, mom, I don’t. But I think it will happen.”

I have no reason to believe that I am near the end of my life, whatever that means exactly, but I am finding myself asking that same question of myself… “Well I live long enough to see him break from these patterns and make something different of his life?“

I am beginning to believe that the answer is no.

And I am coming to believe that my other two sons, although their character is more intact than the other son, that they will never take much of their lives either.

And every day I realize that even though my H’s pain is under control, he will most likely never be a whole person again.

My significance to them and for them is nil. I have not made a positive difference in their lives.

If this is being codependent - I’m fine with it. These are the most important people to me, and I am inconsolable that they have been no better off to have me as their mother / wife.

I’m trying to figure out what was my place in the world suppose to be, and where did I miss the mark.

Sorry to be such a buzz kill.

Oh WR, I'm so sorry... I wish there was something I could do to help.

(((((WR)))))

I have not made a positive difference in their lives.

This is not a fact. We cannot say what their lives would look like without you in it. But I am certain they have happy memories because of you.

You raised them to the best of your ability. You cannot force them to live their lives in the way you would like them to. They are grown men.

Let's focus on things you can control. YOU!!!

I'm so sorry WhatsRight. Virtual hugs!