This will probably be a long post and all over the place, but gotta start somewhere!
About 8 months ago, my wife decided to start staying up later and later on Discord playing a game. Very popular collection game that is literally neverending. I told her I didn't like going to bed alone all the time, but that was in one ear and out the other. She would be up until 2 or 3am when work started for her at 9. For almost the last year I've gone to bed alone every night and was woken up when she got in. I tell her I've felt alone and that we are roommates. She says she has insomnia and has a hard time sleeping... first time in 10 years I've heard this. I say the time spent online is not healthy (it is 8+ hours a day on this game) and that she doesn't really do anything to take care of the house either. We get into a fight, she says the time on discord and game are not a problem and I say she is lazy and needs to just put effort into anything but that game.
2 months back she lost her job and has decided to no longer work. I tell her when she lost it that we will find something for her, I dont care what she does or how much she makes, just do SOMETHING. She has pretty much spent all her free time on Discord for the last 6 months at this point and I'm not real happy to hear she lost her job. I make enough to cover us though. She is in tears and freaking out but I console her. Fully capable 31 year old with a freaking PhD and she is done doing anything productive, but whatever. Won't even clean out crap from our house to sell that has been sitting there for 3 years. The reasons her boss gives are damn near the same I told her about the relationship (not paying attention, following up, not getting to things on time, etc.) I tell her that I think Discord helped get her fired and she literally blows up, screams in my face like bloody murder at the top of her lungs, calls me an asshole and she fucking hates me. Says I am just pushing her buttons and making it worse. I walk away and she goes upstairs to sleep the rest of the day.
Around the same time (a few days before she lost her job) I asked her who she was on snapchat with all the time. She replies with "game friends", which I say "thats weird, don't you talk to them on Discord? Why are you talking about the game on Snapchat instead of where you play it" her reply is simply "I dont know, we just do, some of them use that." I think it is sketch as fuck and don't believe her. She is spending 20 minutes in the bathroom at a time, multiple times a day. Staying up all night, literally coming to bed an hour before I wakeup for work.
I decide to cross a line and put a camera in the bedroom before I leave for work for a week. The literal next morning (so like 12 hours after install) I find she is on snapchat getting off with another guy for like 3 hours on end. All week, this is all she is doing from noon to about 3. Just looking at snaps from the guy and using a BOB from her nightstand. I am fucking livid, but decide to talk to her first when I come back. She wasn't crossing the line of actual sex, but in my head she might as well have. I couldn't read the snapchats over video, but could easily tell the context of the pictures going back and forth. I saw her pin too. When I came home, I couldn't sleep at all and went into her phone. She started messaging him in April and have had this relationship going daily. Love yous, hearts, can't wait to be with you, thanks for the good fuck, etc. Furious, I leave the house and go to a buddies who works overnight. I call off work and hang out there running my options, who to call for divorce, where to take my stuff, etc. I "come home from work" and she notices something is up with me, I say I'm just super depressed and feel I am losing her... she goes and unsaves 90% of the explicit snaps that right after that. But doesn't stop talking to the guy, and still has a few pictures and dick pics saved. I have photos of all the snaps, and then photos the next night when they were unsaved, but was talking all day anyways.
She wants to have sex the next night, but my body does not agree, she gets shitty about having to touch my dick "I don't get why after making out and grinding you aren't just hard and ready to go??" I blow up and say "I know you love him, I saw all the messages for the last few months. That is why I can't do this, I can't look at you the same." We have a deep conversation, she says she doesn't like what she has become and really wants to change. OK fine. She says I have been distant and not interested in her. I say I hate going to bed alone and feel she is avoiding me. The next day I see she "breaks up" with the guy... she woke up and was on snapchat, then an emotional wail and furious texting, and the phone was down. I asked her two days later and she showed me her snapchat and he wasn't in the list.
I am very hurt and torn about everything. I wonder how long it would have gone on if I didn't say anything. Why did I have to be the one to say anything too? She wanted to have sex and act like there was nothing wrong, when visually you could see I was in despair. She claims the snapchat guy was a sex worker relationship... but they were singing to each other over snapchat, and talking about their day to day, every day. <3 emojis and love yous, it's such a "pure effortless love" and shit like that. I tell her I don't think it was a sex worker type thing at all and she was lining up a relationship. She says that I was so mean and upset she was just waiting for divorce to happen and didn't know what to do... which I say "so you go and seek out another relationship?" There were SO MANY opportunities for her to come to me and say she was feeling alone of unloved, and I would have told her to stop avoiding me and that I felt the same lack of intimacy. I told her that it seems there is no guilt or shame of what she did, only that she was caught 100% red handed and knows she can't lie her way out of it.
In the last 2 weeks since then, it has been better, she has tried to put in an effort in the house chores, but I'm realizing that if I don't sink all my free time into playing and talking about that game, she doesn't give a fuck about anything else. I've said simply that I want our life to involve more than that single thing, which she says "why does it matter, if it's something we enjoy together?" Yes, true, but not just that one thing, and for hours every night without fail or end. She started doing stuff around the house, but I think it all is too little too late now After finding out about the other guy, I don't feel it fair for me to work and her ass sit at home. I don't trust her either doing nothing. She tells me she felt "alone, distant, unloved" because I wasn't trying to initiate sex, but I ask how could I when you never come to bed? Literally unless I stayed up until 3 or 4 am on the weekends we never went to bed together, and has no interest any other time of the day (well, that is what she always told me).
We talked about counseling, but I am doubtful it will make her want to be ambitious and productive like when we met and married. It will help the resentment and deep hurt more than anything.
I also look at bigger picture things for the last few years I've been unhappy about, and the smaller picture stuff from the last few months, and I think going off on my own might be the best. We have no kids. We tried last year for about a year, but unless her app told her she was fertile, we did not have sex. And when it did, I was getting woken up about 4 hours after I fell asleep because that is obviously she was interested. No care or regard that I only get 5-6 hours every night before work, and that I'm getting woken up early and likely won't fall back asleep before my alarm goes off.
I just wonder if it is all worth it anymore. I live with a teenage roommate. I am ambitious and driven, have a career that is growing, while she is content just dumping time into this game. She is now an admin for the game, and literally has to spend 8+ hours every day like a job and there is zero way to monetize it. No one can criticize her, including her parents. She says "how about you not tell me how to live my life, thanks?"
I think that is good for now, I could type in circles going back and forth. Just typing it all out has helped me realize I deserve better than this and harboring resentment and doubt.