SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This will probably be a long post and all over the place, but gotta start somewhere!

About 8 months ago, my wife decided to start staying up later and later on Discord playing a game. Very popular collection game that is literally neverending. I told her I didn't like going to bed alone all the time, but that was in one ear and out the other. She would be up until 2 or 3am when work started for her at 9. For almost the last year I've gone to bed alone every night and was woken up when she got in. I tell her I've felt alone and that we are roommates. She says she has insomnia and has a hard time sleeping... first time in 10 years I've heard this. I say the time spent online is not healthy (it is 8+ hours a day on this game) and that she doesn't really do anything to take care of the house either. We get into a fight, she says the time on discord and game are not a problem and I say she is lazy and needs to just put effort into anything but that game.

2 months back she lost her job and has decided to no longer work. I tell her when she lost it that we will find something for her, I dont care what she does or how much she makes, just do SOMETHING. She has pretty much spent all her free time on Discord for the last 6 months at this point and I'm not real happy to hear she lost her job. I make enough to cover us though. She is in tears and freaking out but I console her. Fully capable 31 year old with a freaking PhD and she is done doing anything productive, but whatever. Won't even clean out crap from our house to sell that has been sitting there for 3 years. The reasons her boss gives are damn near the same I told her about the relationship (not paying attention, following up, not getting to things on time, etc.) I tell her that I think Discord helped get her fired and she literally blows up, screams in my face like bloody murder at the top of her lungs, calls me an asshole and she fucking hates me. Says I am just pushing her buttons and making it worse. I walk away and she goes upstairs to sleep the rest of the day.

Around the same time (a few days before she lost her job) I asked her who she was on snapchat with all the time. She replies with "game friends", which I say "thats weird, don't you talk to them on Discord? Why are you talking about the game on Snapchat instead of where you play it" her reply is simply "I dont know, we just do, some of them use that." I think it is sketch as fuck and don't believe her. She is spending 20 minutes in the bathroom at a time, multiple times a day. Staying up all night, literally coming to bed an hour before I wakeup for work.

I decide to cross a line and put a camera in the bedroom before I leave for work for a week. The literal next morning (so like 12 hours after install) I find she is on snapchat getting off with another guy for like 3 hours on end. All week, this is all she is doing from noon to about 3. Just looking at snaps from the guy and using a BOB from her nightstand. I am fucking livid, but decide to talk to her first when I come back. She wasn't crossing the line of actual sex, but in my head she might as well have. I couldn't read the snapchats over video, but could easily tell the context of the pictures going back and forth. I saw her pin too. When I came home, I couldn't sleep at all and went into her phone. She started messaging him in April and have had this relationship going daily. Love yous, hearts, can't wait to be with you, thanks for the good fuck, etc. Furious, I leave the house and go to a buddies who works overnight. I call off work and hang out there running my options, who to call for divorce, where to take my stuff, etc. I "come home from work" and she notices something is up with me, I say I'm just super depressed and feel I am losing her... she goes and unsaves 90% of the explicit snaps that right after that. But doesn't stop talking to the guy, and still has a few pictures and dick pics saved. I have photos of all the snaps, and then photos the next night when they were unsaved, but was talking all day anyways.

She wants to have sex the next night, but my body does not agree, she gets shitty about having to touch my dick "I don't get why after making out and grinding you aren't just hard and ready to go??" I blow up and say "I know you love him, I saw all the messages for the last few months. That is why I can't do this, I can't look at you the same." We have a deep conversation, she says she doesn't like what she has become and really wants to change. OK fine. She says I have been distant and not interested in her. I say I hate going to bed alone and feel she is avoiding me. The next day I see she "breaks up" with the guy... she woke up and was on snapchat, then an emotional wail and furious texting, and the phone was down. I asked her two days later and she showed me her snapchat and he wasn't in the list.

I am very hurt and torn about everything. I wonder how long it would have gone on if I didn't say anything. Why did I have to be the one to say anything too? She wanted to have sex and act like there was nothing wrong, when visually you could see I was in despair. She claims the snapchat guy was a sex worker relationship... but they were singing to each other over snapchat, and talking about their day to day, every day. <3 emojis and love yous, it's such a "pure effortless love" and shit like that. I tell her I don't think it was a sex worker type thing at all and she was lining up a relationship. She says that I was so mean and upset she was just waiting for divorce to happen and didn't know what to do... which I say "so you go and seek out another relationship?" There were SO MANY opportunities for her to come to me and say she was feeling alone of unloved, and I would have told her to stop avoiding me and that I felt the same lack of intimacy. I told her that it seems there is no guilt or shame of what she did, only that she was caught 100% red handed and knows she can't lie her way out of it.

In the last 2 weeks since then, it has been better, she has tried to put in an effort in the house chores, but I'm realizing that if I don't sink all my free time into playing and talking about that game, she doesn't give a fuck about anything else. I've said simply that I want our life to involve more than that single thing, which she says "why does it matter, if it's something we enjoy together?" Yes, true, but not just that one thing, and for hours every night without fail or end. She started doing stuff around the house, but I think it all is too little too late now After finding out about the other guy, I don't feel it fair for me to work and her ass sit at home. I don't trust her either doing nothing. She tells me she felt "alone, distant, unloved" because I wasn't trying to initiate sex, but I ask how could I when you never come to bed? Literally unless I stayed up until 3 or 4 am on the weekends we never went to bed together, and has no interest any other time of the day (well, that is what she always told me).

We talked about counseling, but I am doubtful it will make her want to be ambitious and productive like when we met and married. It will help the resentment and deep hurt more than anything.

I also look at bigger picture things for the last few years I've been unhappy about, and the smaller picture stuff from the last few months, and I think going off on my own might be the best. We have no kids. We tried last year for about a year, but unless her app told her she was fertile, we did not have sex. And when it did, I was getting woken up about 4 hours after I fell asleep because that is obviously she was interested. No care or regard that I only get 5-6 hours every night before work, and that I'm getting woken up early and likely won't fall back asleep before my alarm goes off.

I just wonder if it is all worth it anymore. I live with a teenage roommate. I am ambitious and driven, have a career that is growing, while she is content just dumping time into this game. She is now an admin for the game, and literally has to spend 8+ hours every day like a job and there is zero way to monetize it. No one can criticize her, including her parents. She says "how about you not tell me how to live my life, thanks?"

I think that is good for now, I could type in circles going back and forth. Just typing it all out has helped me realize I deserve better than this and harboring resentment and doubt.

Affair or not you'd probably get the same advice, from me atleast. You live only once, is this really how you want you life's story to be written?

Divorce is the answer. The longer your M goes the more you are going to have to pay in alimony.

Talk to a lawyer ASAP.

She says I have been distant and not interested in her.

Based on thousands of posts, that's what all cheaters say.

Do not accept any blame for her decision to amuse herself with an OM. She had other options. Just like she has other options to playing the game.

Here's a life lesson. When someone reveals 'who' they are - believe them.

You can love her and still divorce. Why? because you deserve a better life partner; and you deserve to live the best version of your life.

Understand that her decision to stray was NOT YOUR FAULT. The 'feeling unloved, unwanted' BS is their way of justifying their decision to stray. And yes, she did cheat. I'm sorry.

Who is the OM? Has he visited your town, or has she traveled for any reason?

She used the game to connect with the OM. Therefore, whether you R or D, she can't be trusted to play any online game. The gaming online has to stop immediately.

She is deceitful and therefore you can't accept her promises that she won't do it again. The loss of gaming is one of the consequences for her inappropriate behavior. Something she brought on herself.

I suggest you inform her that she can continue to not work; and instead spend her time playing games, including sexting - but not as your wife.

Talk to an attorney. The first hour is often free.

In some states alimony is based on what they can potentially earn (not on her current choice to not work).

Separate bank accounts. Change your life insurance.

Inform her that you are filing for divorce. And she has until the paperwork is final to convince you that she deserves a second chance.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:20 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

She’s really sorry. That she got caught.

Sorry you’re here. Better think long term. Is this something you want to tie yourself down to?

She says "how about you not tell me how to live my life, thanks?"

You know who doesn’t get to have any input on her life? People who are no longer her husband. If she’s decided that this is what your marriage is going to be like you have every right to disagree. Even without the infidelity this would be enough for divorce.

Make an appointment with a lawyer and see what divorce looks like for you.

She sounds extremely depressed and I doubt getting caught is going to change things. She's just going to get harder to catch in the future.

She attempted to pin the estrangement on you, meanwhile you've been working and telling her straight out, for a YEAR, that you don't want to go to bed alone.

Just a guess, does she have body issues? I'm wondering because she doesn't seem to have crossed the line with the guy, physically, and I'd further guess that it's why she's doing this on SC.

That all aside, you have to decide, for yourself, whether or not you want to stay. Even without the infidelity it looks like the situation was pretty grim. Now you know you can't trust your wife.

I'd talk to a lawyer.

I agree, I feel at this point the last 2 weeks is just her biding time and knowing the paycheck gets bigger. I do have a consultation scheduled later this week with one of the best attorneys in the area. My state is equal split, but I am hoping to show that she is fully capable of working but chooses not to, and get a dissolution instead and walk away with our assets and income. There was no infidelity on my side and has never even been a thought.

As I've reflected, I feel I still love her in the sense that I hope she gets her shit together, finds a job or meaning, and can get back to the personality of the person I married. I dont think I love her in the affectionate, lets build a life and kids together type of way. I honestly can't see her as a mother anymore when she can barely take care of herself day to day. But I dont think she wants to be that person anymore, she would rather hide in a virtual world where she is constantly needed, or find someone who will worship the ground she walks on without question and let her do anything or nothing if she pleases.

I felt a big part of me wanted to be a better man and honor the marriage, because no actual meetup and affair happened. But again, how long until it would have? And her being home all day I think it is inevitable.

I know the answer it is just absolutely nerve wracking to throw away about 1/3 of my life, the last 10 years. I asked her how she was ok throwing out 10 years on a fucking internet fuckboy and I think it really sunk in, but too late.

And just to throw some bigger picture issues out there... I've done all the shopping the last year 1/2, for house supplies, food, animal necessities. Did the shopping and paid for it. Did 95% of the house chores the last 3 years, and we argued about that over and over. Like, how can someone be so OK with doing nothing and letting someone else just deal with stress of a job and also most of the house responsibilities? I've said for a while that I take care of my own, and even asked her about 2 months ago what the point of our relationship was. No kids, no ambition or desire, just living in this house together. I literally NEEDED an answer because I couldn't think of one and all I do for a living is come up with solutions to tough problems. She replied with "I don't know". Says enough right there, then I found out what she was doing and I understood her answer.

No MC. I repeat. No marital or couples counseling. Do not do this.

she has tried to put in an effort in the house chores

Oh swell, she's pitching in?

Look, this is incredibly traumatic and painful. We've all been where you are. The sense of unreality and grief. The surreal mixture of pain and confusion and anger and disgust. You WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

To do that the fastest way, please heed and enact the advice you're given here. Many of us did not have this crowdsourced wisdom available to us in the early days. (I only came to SI and actively started posting three years after DDAY after spending a hellish amount of time in limbo; I'm still in limbo but my thinking about infidelity betrayal has clarified into a sharp crystalline laser-drilled diamond).

Here's a "to do" list for you (note, some of this only applies if you think you might want to reconcile; you can, however, cut through the Gordian's knot of infidelity with one clean sword swipe called divorce):

1. NO MC.

2. Immediately get yourself to individual counseling with a betrayal trauma specialist (D or R, either way you need it)

3. Get an immediate appointment with a divorce attorney to understand the process (D or R, either way you need to do this)

4. No hysterical bonding sex with her. Don't do it. Don't fall prey to the tears and sobbing jags. It's a form of manipulation.

5. Get an immediate comprehensive STD test. Demand one from her also (this is a D or R, must have)

6. Finances: Talk to your new attorney about separating finances, and start yourself a new checking account. Start having your paycheck deposited there. Withdraw half of what's in joint accounts and put it in accounts you control.

7. Get a voice activated recorder at BestBuy (the $50-60 SONY) with a big memory card and start carrying it around activated in your pocket to record any interactions with here (D or R) This will protect you from false domestic violence charges. Sounds far-fetched? It is not. Heed this.

8. Implement a hard 180. Disengage. I repeat, disengage. Read about the 180 here on SI in the sidebar articles.

9. Demand your WW write a no contact letter to her affair partner that you review. Real NO CONTACT. If she breaks no contact, you're done. And that means she GIVES UP her gaming hobby as a sacrifice and you get rid of equipment. She balks, it is a DO NOT PASS GO to divorce.

10. She writes down a comprehensive, many pages in length, narrative timeline of the affair in her own hand with pen and paper. She does this in two days. She drags her feet, "fuck you we're divorcing." Details. Not a minimum outline. The whole truth. No lies of omission.

11. No TRICKLE TRUTH. No BLAMESHIFTING. No more bullshit JUSTIFICATIONS about how she felt or how you weren't paying enough attention. No more REWRITING THE HISTORY OF YOUR MARRIAGE to portray you in a false bad light. NO MORE.

12. You both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" - she writes out a detailed plan in her own hand for how she plans on implementing the book's recommendations.

13. She turns over all of her devices to you for open review and retrieval of deleted information. Run Dr. Fone software on her phone.

14. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair to her immediate family. This is not for revenge. It is not to get her family "on your side." It is to stop any minimization or false narrative. And it is to implode the fantasy bubble of the affair.

15. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair immediately to any other betrayed spouse or girlfriend. You must do this. You would want to know if it were you. And this further implodes the fantasy of the affair and typically brings it to a screeching halt.

16. Any physical reminders (gifts, sex toys, lingeries, perfume, anything) of the affair should be thrown away. My WW's AP got her a wine fridge as a gift and my WW passively wouldn't do anything with it after D-Day. Huge mistake on her part. I finally threw it in a dumpster in a fit of rage. (This is a D or R action)

----

She says "how about you not tell me how to live my life, thanks?"

This is someone who LACKS REMORSE for her actions. She lacks empathy. She was trying to sex bomb you moments after you found out.

Do not do what is called the "pick me" dance. Do not hope to win her back.

Your thinking is largely already on the right path. To get further confirmation, read the short book called "The Way of the Superior Man."

Take care of yourself. Get sleep, drink lots of water, avoid alcohol and other mind-clouding substances, start exercising regularly. Eat a clean diet. If you don't have an appetite, start drinking meal replacement shakes.

She seems absolutely screwed up. She should be working. She needs to stop playing these stupid online games. She is doing just the opposite and basically tells you to like it or lump it. Finally, she is having cybersex with another man while you bring home the paycheck. She should no longer be involved with these games. That should have been condition number one to stay with her.

She has no desire to change, consequently, you should file for divorce. This might snap her out of her imaginary life, but she will need intensive counseling with a very good therapist in order to get her ass moving again in the real world. She is a bad bet to change from how you describe her attitude. Any way you slice it she needs a reality check and you need to take control of this nonsense. She will have a rude awakening when she will have to earn her own way in the world.

Your Wife has a PHD, if you go to court, the judge will tell her to get her ass off the couch. YOu also have the ability to share with the judge that you supported her all those years she was working to get her PHD, and that he had helped her in that regards. The judge will not just let her sit on her ass an play video games all day. Alimony I don't think will hurt you that bad, b/c she will have to get a job.

Think about it this way, whether its YOU or the judge that makes her get her off her ass, she will still be pissed. Somewhere along the way, she just lost her ambition. The cheating is to boot.

Taking a step back, do you think it has something to do that with the fact that you both weren't able to conceive. That is not an excuse to cheat, but just something to think of, why your WW went off the deep end with video games.

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who already replied to this. I have been on the fence for a week posting here, but I knew I had to get it off my chest and get some viewpoints of people who have seen it first hand. It helps "take of the blinders" so to speak of thinking that I have to keep dumping energy and emotion into this.

My viewpoints of normal in a relationship have been twisted so much over time I felt it wasn't that bad. But then I keep stepping back to look at the bigger picture of 3 years of marriage, trying to just look at who puts in what, or what does she do to try and offload responsibility for me, and there is not much she does without me asking or fighting her on it.

Thankfully we never put finances together. She bought the house before we married and never wanted to do a quit claim deed, or claimed ignorance to it. I've always given her checks for the mortgage, but for the last 8 months she hasn't cashed any, there is nearly 8k hanging over my head. All accounted for already, but even before I found out what happened I told her it gave me so much anxiety that my bank account was never accurate.

It is her world and I am to revolve around it.

I normally don't advocate for divorce, but in this situation, it seems best to cut ties. Her childish obsession with a game that likely lost her her job and has damaged her marriage is something that would need to be addressed, as well as her infidelity.

Frankly, at your age, you should be enjoying each other and life. Instead, you're left with a roommate who prefers her game buddies to you.

Don't look back.

Cat

RUN! Run as fast and as far as you can before you get sucked down into this rathole again. Don’t waste any more time on this childish, narcissistic, lazy, and unrepentant woman.

You have no kids and thank God you don’t. You are young and have plenty of time to find someone that deserves you. You can build a new life, a better life. Do it and do it now. Don’t waste another second if your life on her. She doesn’t deserve you.

Take it from someone who knows.

JEEZUS. Your story is 99.9% identical to mine.

Same sleeping hours. Same gaming habit. Same avoidance. Same discovery and denial. Same unequal distribution of duties at home. Same almost everything. Except we were GOING to get married.

What i did - cracked her email (I didn’t consider the legal ramifications) and saw everything.

I broke up with her on the spot that night and left her. The next two months we’re hell and I kept blaming myself. She flew off to be with her (he’s just a friend! We were just joking about the sexting!) AP.

That was in 2005. I was 35 at the time. I had put her through college (a total of about US$80,000 or so). She was my best friend yada yada.

I met my (now) wife in 2007. Married in 2010. 2 boys. I’m good now.

PS: Her AP turned out to be a bum who was much more attractive on paper than in RL. In a perverse turn of events, she turned out, years later, to become one of my (now) best friends - I helped nurse her through her heartbreak after that idiot dumped her and she (in turn) helped me through my next heartbreak with a TRUE train wreck of a GF. Mind you, I’m NOT ADVOCATING that you try to be ‘friends’ with your WW - that’s not a good idea, as I’m sure the good people here will tell you.

Ahhhh it’s late. I’m drunk. Good night.

Edit: crap… the point of my message; Cut her off NOW. You can’t fix her. She had to fix HERSELF.

[This message edited by oldmanchris at 1:05 PM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

I suggest you take two approaches here.

First you have a prepared back-up plan should you D. Start by seeing an attorney and see if mediation is an option. Start separating your finances from hers.

Cancel all joint credit cards. Get her off your cellphone plan immediately - so you are not enabling her affair. Change bank accounts or have your pay deposited into a new bank account in your name alone. Stop paying for her gaming too (if there are fees or charges you can cancel payment for).

Next you prepare a 2-3 minute very well rehearsed speech. Do not give her an opportunity to speak but tell her the following:

“We are heading down the wrong path as a married couple. I’ve been telling you for many months that this gaming addiction you have is ruining our marriage. It is now time to either make some serious changes or we will be facing a divorce. I expect you to get a job for 40 hours each week. I don’t care what it is or what it pays but you need a job and you have “X” days to get one. Thereafter the gaming needs to stop. It is no longer going to be an option in our marriage. And lastly we need to address your affair, lying to me, sexual behavior with another man and the continued disrespect you have shown me.

You are either all in or not. If not agreeable then I have no other options here. I have tried everything else and failed.

I expect your answer right now - are you in or out?”

If she interrupts - don’t allow it.

If she starts yelling - walk away.

If she doesn’t answer the “in or out” question then tell her that the answer is clearly not a yes to this proposal. And you will proceed accordingly.

No yelling. No emotion. No drama. No accusations.

This will settle it for you.

BTW i would have destroyed that gaming app and her phone but you are a better person than me

I was Just about to write almost the same words as 1stWife did directly above.

Read them a few times. You need to say those exact words to your wife. There can no longer be a relationship that includes Gaming. She’s proven she cannot handle it.

If she wants a marriage she’ll do these things , if not you’ll know you don’t matter to her more than her virtual addiction and you’ll move on.

Only thing I’ll add is that she must start individual counseling with an infidelity specialist.

Good luck.

Thumos is correct when he stresses:

No MC. I repeat. No marital or couples counseling. Do not do this.

So it bears repeating. I took my ex to MC and I found out after a few sessions that she intended to keep going, keep the affair continuing, and basically string me along for a few months while she got her finances in order.

It was a waste of money and time. That said, you might want to check into therapy for yourself because what your wife has put you through is very traumatic.

Tremfya

Thank you thank you thank you to everyone who already replied to this. I have been on the fence for a week posting here, but I knew I had to get it off my chest and get some viewpoints of people who have seen it first hand. It helps "take of the blinders" so to speak of thinking that I have to keep dumping energy and emotion into this.

My viewpoints of normal in a relationship have been twisted so much over time I felt it wasn't that bad. But then I keep stepping back to look at the bigger picture of 3 years of marriage, trying to just look at who puts in what, or what does she do to try and offload responsibility for me, and there is not much she does without me asking or fighting her on it.

I'm not sure if this is always the case or if it's just something that you and i share in our stories - my ex treated me bad the last five years of the marriage. She stopped doing things and contributing to the family and all of that. She criticized a lot of minor bullshit that I did. I think our respective partners do that to justify their cheating. I dunno, but I will tell you this, once you heal and start dating other women, you'll look back and realize that not only was the abuse from the affair bad but their behavior towards you was bad as well.

Thankfully we never put finances together. She bought the house before we married and never wanted to do a quit claim deed, or claimed ignorance to it. I've always given her checks for the mortgage, but for the last 8 months she hasn't cashed any, there is nearly 8k hanging over my head. All accounted for already, but even before I found out what happened I told her it gave me so much anxiety that my bank account was never accurate.

It is her world and I am to revolve around it.

Well she's going to find out that it's not a geocentric universe and you'll orbit your own star soon enough.