You are not a lone. I check on you every day.
This is very nice of you. Thoughtful and touching.
Is your wife having a problem in the training program? Is the problem related to her personality or typical behavior that is familiar to you? In any event, her career is all on her and she can't blame you or her marriage this time.
No, I don't think she's having a problem other then just getting into things after having been out for so many years. The mistake the other day was more of a misunderstanding.
Actually I think there has been a change of sorts in the status. Rather than file for divorce, you left the door open for R (one more time). However, consistent with her prior behavior, she did not walk through that doorway - and worse, it sounds like she didn't even give it a glance.
Correct I did not file, I downgraded from D to Ambivalent. I'm not willing to put in any more effort until she does. And she did look in the doorway, we talked a bit about what next steps could be and I shut down other discussion so she might have been willing to open things up but I don't want to without a professional. I'm OK with things because I told her I want her to get through this orientation / probation. (I'm selfish, having her employed means less alimony).
So what I hear from you is that her behavior this weekend was one more disappointment and pushed you further emotionally towards accepting D.
It was one evening and it didn't sway anything. It fully met my expectations.
IMO your wife is still pretty much in her own world. She seems content with the comfort/security of being married (but still shows no empathy for you).
I would encourage you not to try to speculate. It is a black hole with no escape!! But yes, no empathy, no attempts at empathy.
IMO it's not likely that your wife will file for divorce (and in her head be viewed as the bad guy).
I don't think she will file, especially now after I told her I wanted out. She'll follow my lead.
In addition, her pattern is to blame you for marriage issues rather than hold herself accountable.
Not quite accurate, she knows she shares the blame for the marriage issues. What I have yet to receive, and R will be impossible without, is her full responsibility for the A, and compassionate and reparative words and acts. This is the sticking point. I feel she does not want to amend for the cheating. RugSweep is the only option I'm given.
She's minimized to herself the impact of her affair on the marriage (and you) - and is now of the view that your inability to forgive & forget is the problem (your problem that's beyond her control).
YES. I feel the exact same way. If I want the M, then I need to forgive and let this go. It is completely my problem.
When she has said stuff like "You just want me to grovel" and "Stop making me feel guilty" I just shut down and inside I'm screaming at her how much more helpful and easier this would be if she would take this seriously, make an effort, get informed, and get on my side!! It feels like any time I had tried to advance on addressing the adultery, she's right there like a goalie, blocking me and making sure I don't get close.
In D the path to forgiveness is much more available... I don't need to share hurt and pain, I don't need her to emotionally identify, I don't need her to make an effort, I don't need her to acknowledge my difficulties, any amends or restitution... I will have released any expectation of a relationship, fidelity, loyalty, nothing. All gone. I'm free to just let it all go and forgive her and be free.
Thank you again Robert for your kind and supportive words.