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Just Found Out :
Wife sending nudes to co-worker

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Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 10:49 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Maybe we should talk to someone.

Talk to whom? For what purpose?

Most of the posters here have suggested that YOU should both talk to and engage the services of a lawyer, to protect your interest.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8674949
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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 10:53 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

You’re not stupid. You’re a faithful partner who still has trouble coming to grips with the fact that his WW lies to him every time she moves her lips. Your parents mean well. Why would your WW be at all interested in delay and seeing a MC if she is all in for her AP? You would think she would demand where to sign, and the sooner the better. It’s because she has no clue if the AP is going to dump her faster than a runaway garbage truck once she is D’d, and so she tries to dangle possibilities in your face, to keep both options open until she knows the AP is a sure thing. Then bye bye Maxwell. Don’t be plan B.

[This message edited by fareast at 5:09 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2797   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 11:00 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

About the worst thing you could do would be to jump into marriage counseling if thats what you’re asking. The marriage isn’t broken. Your wife is. Right now she could care less. You have nothing to work with.

Most people including your parents don’t know a thing about infidelity.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:42 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Had a friend call the dealership. He confirmed that OM is in (and doubly confirmed it to make sure he didn't mis-hear) but is "not at his desk". Was exchanging with WW about the aforementioned stuff and she disappeared around 5:20 and hasn't shown back up...

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 5:43 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 11:42 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

But you have destroyed a unique source of knowledge. You'll need to see the truth if she tries to push for R instead of D and and if she manages to build a bond, like in your last conversation, you're going to need something to remind you of the truth.

I think what I mean is better understood now. Luckily, the phone records still exist.

With all due respect to your parents, the world in their youth and the sociological structure in today's world have changed a lot. People are not contented and are ready to do anything in pursuit of their expectations. Adultery is much easier and more widely.

You're doing very well, just stick to your plan

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 11:47 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I think what I mean is better understood now. Luckily, the phone records still exist.

And some of the emails she sent him and received.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
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SnowToArmPits ( member #50943) posted at 11:52 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Talked to my parents at length too (whose inputs I trust very much) and they say maybe I'm being too hasty. Maybe we should talk to someone. And despite all the evidence it has only been 4 days so I say...maybe.

God bless your parents, they're trying to look out for you, probably want you to have a stable, married life.

She's admitted to two-way oral sex with OM in a parking lot. And won't cut this guy out of her life.

Looks to me like you have an open marriage. There's another man in your marriage.

If you've told her black and white, this guy goes or it's over. If she's unwilling to do that, you don't have much of marriage, do you?

If you've put it to her, he's gone or it's over and she won't give him up, 4 days to divorce isn't hasty, it's decisive. Divorces take time, you can always stop the process if she... I don't know has a 180 degree attitude shift.

[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 5:53 PM, July 12th (Monday)]

posts: 346   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
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HappilyMarried1 ( member #77296) posted at 12:23 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I would let her know Max that you know that she is in contact still and you have got your answer. I would just to make her squirm ask her later tonight what she did this evening and that you already know and just want to see if she will tell the truth and watch her face. I would even say I called the dealership after 5:30 so her is your chance to be honest and see what she does and says.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Feb. 11th, 2021
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

And some of the emails she sent him and received.

Yeah, but you can't see the current ones anymore, do you?

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:46 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

You don't need to tell her what and how you know. It's enough that only you know. There's no need to cause her to act more cautiously. If your intention was not to D but R, we could suggest very different things, but in this case there is no need. Everything is going as it should, don't make any changes.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 2:07 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

You’re not stupid. You’re a faithful partner who still has trouble coming to grips with the fact that his WW lies to him every time she moves her lips

Thanks friend

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8675006
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 2:18 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

She continues to lie to you, but I get it, I was in that chair once too. You are just hoping that your WW will wake up, but let me save you the heartache and time, she is not going to. Probably won't until its too late. Shit, mine still hasnt and its been over 4 yrs. So don't waste your time man, D her and move on with her life.

posts: 1149   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 3:09 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

You are pain shopping. The worse kind - without knowing exactly what is happening and movies playing in your mind.

True it is hard to detach, You know enough of what she has done, so if you have decided enough is enough try to detach (otherwise work on R). Spend time with friends and family, start learning something new that advance your career, engage in hobbies. Idling mind is very bad in situations like this.

After your last meeting WW may have sensed that you are done, so she do not care going down her destructive way. She knows OM is POS.

The POS knows the game, At the beginning she may have told him what is "wrong" in her marriage and all the POS had to do was fill in the blanks.

Keep your head up and do your other things like job even better. It is sexy to behave productively in the face of adversity

posts: 773   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8675017
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 10:54 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

First of all: Way too often I see betrayed spouses reach for the moon in their attempts to “prove” the affair.

Except for the extremely rare instances where infidelity impacts the economics of divorce there is only ONE person that needs to be convinced. YOU.

You have no obligation or requirement to prove to her aunt Edna, her parents, Brad and Jane you go bowling with or ANY OTHER person that your wife is cheating.

Brad/Edna/Jane/FIL phones you and asks why the marriage is in ruins you do not have to show e-mails with certified tracking, photos, used condoms with DNA evidence, signed affidavits or anything of that nature. If you feel the relevant person has a need to know and should know you simply say your wife is having an affair and isn’t willing to end it and commit to the marriage and/or the affair is a total dealbreaker for you. It’s really that simple.

If you are in one of the last states or countries where infidelity could factor… Well… Consult your attorney as to what sort of proof is required, what the benefits are and then get that level of proof using a professional PI the attorney will recommend. But I’m guessing this is not relevant.

I suggest you be careful in your wording when telling others. Your attorney has suggested not telling OMW or not exposing the affair. This is in line with what attorneys suggest since their goal is to finalize a divorce – not to possibly create the conditions where reconciliation might be possible. Here on SI we always suggest exposing. Many think it should be done because it’s the right thing to do or should be done to extract some payback for the pain caused. I think it should be done simply because it’s the truth and it can create the conditions where you – the BS – are allowed the option to reconcile if that’s what you want.

Your posts have been clear on that for you infidelity is a total dealbreaker.

Well… I guess for nearly all of us it is. I personally don’t know of a single couple that has reconciled with active infidelity going on. The infidelity must stop before there is even a sliver of hope for reconciling.

Your posts have until recently been clear that you want a divorce. There is some ambiguity in your last couple of posts…

Look – in order to reconcile your wife needs to meet some standards. These are:

Total and accountable truth.

Total and accountable NC with OM (and that probably includes her quitting her job).

Total commitment to discovering why she felt she had the right to an affair (IC)

Total commitment to the marriage (eventual MC)

Any leeway on any of the above make something that is hard even harder. It’s like running a marathon but insisting on wearing clogs (still working with OM), or pulling a baby-piano (keeping a secret).

If you have any doubts about the divorce and if she has opened up about wanting to reconcile then you could ask her if she can meet these requirements. Until and unless she can, well… I strongly suggest you keep on your track of separation and divorce.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:53 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Had a friend call the dealership. He confirmed that OM is in (and doubly confirmed it to make sure he didn't mis-hear) but is "not at his desk". Was exchanging with WW about the aforementioned stuff and she disappeared around 5:20 and hasn't shown back up...

This is why it’s important to stay out of hopium. You know what’s going on. Way too many see only what they want to see. Not what is happening.

It takes 2 to R. You don’t have that. And only actions count. Words fall on deaf ears and get you nothing.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675090
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:55 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

She continues to lie to you, but I get it, I was in that chair once too. You are just hoping that your WW will wake up, but let me save you the heartache and time, she is not going to. Probably won't until its too late. Shit, mine still hasnt and its been over 4 yrs. So don't waste your time man, D her and move on with her life.

My own sister was a wayward and she never got it.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675092
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 3:00 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

And only actions count

.

Definitely a lesson for me to learn from this.

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8675094
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 3:19 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Sorry you got stuck with this but you only need enough to satisfy you. Nothing else nor anyone else really matters much.

It’s really just up to you.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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 Maxwell354 (original poster member #79092) posted at 4:14 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Appreciate the continued responses and input from all.

Reached out to a therapist today. And today is the first day I've felt much other than sad. Still sad, but also anger and intense anxiety are forming. Trying to stay active and joined a gym. (So much for utility out of my full workout from home setup.) But it's hard on ~3 hours of sleep a night. Got Ambien but it is not helping me stay asleep.

I am full time work from home and enjoyed the freedom up until this. Now it is just brutal. Barely any communication with others outside of text with friends, no change in environment for most the day, stuck in "our" house all. day. long. My wife was the person I conversed with at the end of the day. And unfortunately my work setup is really not very conducive to working elsewhere. Maybe it's time for a job change too.

I'm not sure what else there is for you all to contribute, but I need an outlet!

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 10:15 AM, July 13th (Tuesday)]

posts: 80   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8675119
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 4:19 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

Long brisk walks get you out of the house. Its great exercise and it’ll help clear your mind. There are plenty of places to walk if you don’t have it near your home. Hell you can even walk at malls.

posts: 6623   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8675122
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