Topic is Sleeping.
thrown71 (original poster new member #74218) posted at 11:29 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021
So conflicted, I am BW, he is the WH (3 month afair from Oct-Dec. 2019) I filed for divorce on May 5th, my state has a 60 day cooling off period before anything to go to the judge, which at the earliest could have been this week, but his lawyer is putzing around with the negotiations (which are fairly simply and everything is 50/50).
STBXWH is already dating! Even though he keeps telling me he didn't/doesn't want a divorce. He says its because he hates being alone, and that they aren't good dates anyway because they aren't me.
He got onto a dating app, prior to mid June (I knew because his apps downloaded onto my phone-so I asked him about the 2 dating apps that showed up on my phone). I have fixed this now, but still I know.
I am no way ready to date, and he already is. He has told me I should try it to keep busy (ugh). I told him I was not at the point to date and that I wasn't sure how to trust anyone.
Just a vent! And maybe I should start dating? Maybe it will help my self esteem (or hurt it). I don't know!
Ugh. Divorce sucks but being with an unfaithful spouse sucks worse.
Michelle
BW
D-Day: 12/07/19 (PA)
Married 25 years
Together 30 years
Daughter 21, Son 18
stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 11:39 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021
You think you should start dating because a cheater says it would be good? :)
I would wait and heal up first. He is doing it already because he has shit boundaries - obviously!
Ignore him as much as you can. Date when you are ready and it should have nothing to do with him.
I am sure it hurts that he is dating already. I just ended my relationship yesterday and my WS is so terrified of being alone. I know he will start dating right away and I know it will hurt me. I am sorry you are dealing with this!
Me: BS 40 Him: WS 51 He cheated with massage parlor sex workersDday 01/19/2021
Kicked him out in 2021 - life is better on the other side. Moved on with the help of a wonderful therapist.
WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 12:38 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021
Cheaters are broken. Your stbx is likely incapable of enjoying his own company. He hates himself and doesn't want any quiet time to ponder that. Cheaters look for external validation. Your stbx is doing that by dating. He is a black hole of endless need that will never be filled. Silently laugh and point at him and snicker. Then move on with your fabulous life!! Single until you heal 😁
I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural
Tigersrule77 ( member #47339) posted at 2:06 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021
In some states, any "relations" with another party before the D is final is considered infidelity. In my state (MD), you don't have to have proof of the act, essentially just the opportunity. Your WH may be trying to have you date to state in court that you were also unfaithful. MD is a no-fault state, so it doesn't really have any affect on the custody/alimony/CS, but your WH may not care about that.
Focus on yourself. If you are lonely, reach out to friends or try new activities to make new friends. There are a lot of options.
You'll know if/when your ready to jump back into that pool.
EllieKMAS ( member #68900) posted at 2:53 PM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021
And maybe I should start dating? Maybe it will help my self esteem (or hurt it). I don't know!
Dating is hard and it involves a lot of rejections, so no I don't think it will help your self esteem at all really.
Immerse yourself into things that YOU enjoy - crafts, repaint your kitchen cabinets a color your stbx would hate, join a hiking club, whatever floats your boat. Find things to do that nourish your soul and stay single until you do some more healing is my advice. Because until you heal, your chances of finding someone as bad or worse than your stbx are pretty high, and girl that is NOT worth it.
"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger
"The love that you lost isn't worth what it cost and in time you'll be glad that it's gone." – Linkin Park
99problems ( member #59373) posted at 3:32 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021
5:38 PM, July 7th (Wednesday), 2021 · PROFILE · MESSAGE
Cheaters are broken. Your stbx is likely incapable of enjoying his own company. He hates himself and doesn't want any quiet time to ponder that. Cheaters look for external validation. Your stbx is doing that by dating. He is a black hole of endless need that will never be filled. Silently laugh and point at him and snicker. Then move on with your fabulous life!! Single until you heal 😁
This is the best advice you could possibly receive.
It is absolutely spot on.
EDIT: spelling and quote dumbassery
[This message edited by 99problems at 9:36 PM, July 10th, 2021 (Saturday)]
Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 9:37 PM on Monday, July 12th, 2021
I think you need to stop communicating with your ex about relationship status or issues. You are in D. MOve yourself along, and don't be entangled with a cheater any longer.
DOn't ask him about his dating, don't share with him what you're doing. Just NO. He sucks, you know it, that is why you're divorcing, now take that full circle and cut him off.
CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 3:42 AM on Sunday, August 1st, 2021
If you aren't able to trust yet, dating will only end up hurting you and the person you are trying to date. I'm still trying to deal with trust issues I have from 16 years ago. Completely empathize with where you are at.
Topic is Sleeping.
