Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
How do people just detach after a decade +

Topic is Sleeping.
mad2

 tealmermaid (original poster New Member #79075) posted at 5:44 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I don't understand how someone just decides they don't love you and "aren't happy" after 12 years of being together.

My H and I have been together for 12 years. We decided to get legally married in 2020 after postponing our wedding because of COVID. Also - this was a joint decision, I never have been one of those MARRY ME NOW girls. We just came to the decision to get married legally because it felt right. We got married in a courthouse at our favorite beach town 30 min away and went and had margaritas after, very simple and cute. We had our big wedding/reception planned for August 2021. So essentially I have planned a wedding 2x and I won't even get to have it. I am so sad because it was going to be beautiful.

My H (almost 30) had an affair with his coworker (23 F) a single mom that had already broken up another marriage at their work. This is the 4th or 5th man she has introduced to her child (Im not mom shaming, but its a pattern clearly). My husband is definitely the cutest and most successful of all of them (yes he is a liar but he makes a ton of money) some of it isn't 100% legal so I won't see all of it in the D. I feel like she will cling on for dear life to him because she's not educated and has a child, this is probably the most affluent person she has been with. She sees $$$ and I'm assuming will try to get pregnant.

We just purchased a lake house last year (we moved in in September so I didn't even get to experience a summer on the lake) We purchased a boat in Feb 2020.. and he docks it THE WEEKEND after I caught him cheating. So not only does he ruin our 12 year relationship/marriage, but he had her move in basically the day after I caught him. And she gets to enjoy the beautiful house/boat/etc. I miss who I thought he was and I obsess over them, its been about 2 months since I found out.

My postponed bachelorette trip in New Orleans next week is now a Divorce party lol.. who would have thought?

All my friends and family are now apparently meeting her, They are all disgusted but I can't blame them for not wanting to abandon their son/brother/friend etc.

Will this last? Will he come crawling back? NOT that I want him to.. but some validation would be nice. Im attractive, caring, honest, compassionate, loving, fun, bubbly.. I know that's my ego talking but WTF. How do people just cheat and leave and act like someone never existed that was such a huge part of their life?!

[This message edited by tealmermaid at 12:03 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

posts: 10   ·   registered: Jul. 6th, 2021
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 5:57 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Pretty common. This happens all the time.

Sorry you’re here but try and stay out of the hopium addiction.

They don’t all come crawling back.

When they bring an AP into your home, your bed it’s another level of disrespect.

Your H did this it wasn’t the other woman. Don’t fixate on her.

posts: 6611   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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LostOpportunities20 ( Member #74401) posted at 6:38 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

You H sounds like a bit of a dummy. In my opinion she is just using him and he's in la-la land.

More than likely this is not going to last - but I would suggest you drop him if there are no children of your own involved.

At this moment he has no respect for you. He's not even trying to hide what he is doing. This level of boldness is worse than sneaking around. He is throwing you under the bus.

Have there been any issues in the relationship? Not that it matters...but has he given any clues?

Regardless, look at this as avoiding a life with an ass and move on and be happy.

BH (late 40s)
WW (late 40s) EA 2008, EA/probably PA 2009

Confessed the first, I caught her the second.

R only in as much as we'll stick it out. Too late to start over.

posts: 106   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2020
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 7:42 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

If he lies in business - if he lies anywhere - he almost definitely lies to himself, and he's probably lying to ow.

You just got married ... he doesn't know what he wants, and he keeps hiding from his issues. He might want to come back, but he probably isn't a good long term bet.

None of that mitigates the pain of being betrayed, though.

[This message edited by sisoon at 1:43 PM, July 6th (Tuesday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
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SlapNutsABingo ( Member #71353) posted at 7:59 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I know this most likely won't offer that much in the way of condolences, but it is a 2X4 reality. I think he has aways been this way and I would be surprised if she was the first. Have you been to a doctor yet? If not, you need to.

posts: 383   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: WI
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Stayinghopefull ( Member #57957) posted at 8:04 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

So sorry you are in this situation but it is good that you don’t have any children with this man to complicate things even further. Be glad you found out when you did and enjoy your divorce party.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2017
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 8:10 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Get a really good attorney so that you can get as much as possible out of the divorce, and then report that cheater to the IRS. Make sure you're working with a great attorney though so s/he can keep you out of it. Instead of fun evenings on the boat, he can enjoy prison.

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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shareonhearts ( Member #52869) posted at 8:27 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I asked myself the same question after two decades.

I got divorced after 22 years. No children so it was a bit easier but I was devastated. Trust me in this....you will find a better more relaxed life. I agree with the previous poster....If he "fudged" in his business dealings as my own ex did, he did the same elsewhere. It's a pattern I believe. I'm so damned sorry you are going through this. Take solace and comfort from your friends in New Orleans....funny thing is, I too went there after my husband left me for a skank! Have as much of a damned fantastic time as you can.

Fool me once shame on me......Fool me twice shame on YOU!

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2016   ·   location: California
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 8:39 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

When you marry someone with a moral defect it’s going to come back on you eventually. That’s what has happened to you. He is possibly a criminal. I’m with another poster I think that IRS ought to be notified. Get a shark for an attorney.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2902   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 8:40 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Get a really good attorney so that you can get as much as possible out of the divorce, and then report that cheater to the IRS. Make sure you're working with a great attorney though so s/he can keep you out of it. Instead of fun evenings on the boat, he can enjoy prison.

Be careful, if the IRS determines your home/boat/lake house were purchased with off the books money you may end up with 50% of nothing. The courts may care about an equitable split between spouses, but once it belongs to the government they don’t give a shit if you end up with squat.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 369   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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ChamomileTea ( Member #53574) posted at 5:01 AM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

Be careful, if the IRS determines your home/boat/lake house were purchased with off the books money you may end up with 50% of nothing. The courts may care about an equitable split between spouses, but once it belongs to the government they don’t give a shit if you end up with squat.

That's what the really good lawyer is for. S/He should be someone who not only can handle family law, but also tax law.

You don't have to let this guy get away with what he's done to you. He made a choice to live his life shady, and getting caught is par for the course.

posts: 4516   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
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Fof9303 ( Member #70433) posted at 11:49 PM on Friday, July 9th, 2021

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Unfortunately sometimes they don't use their brains. Guess what, you can be the most gorgeous girl in the world with every positive attribute there is to have, and this can still happen. I know it does not make sense. Who can all forget Tiger Woods and his beautiful wife.. I get it, I was once in your position... wondering what the heck. Be the best person you can be.. don't stoop to their level and always show your integrity. Hopefully too, you are entitled to some of those fun things, lake house and boat. He will wake up one day and think what the heck did I do, it happens very often. Blessings to you for a brighter future and brighter tomorrow.

posts: 96   ·   registered: Apr. 27th, 2019
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susielee ( Member #74877) posted at 10:13 PM on Saturday, July 10th, 2021

"How do people just cheat and leave and act like someone never existed that was such a huge part of their life?"

Most times they start devaluing and distancing themselves from the betrayed spouse long before the BS finds out what is going on. So in essence they have a head start. By the time the BS finds out it is usually too late.

In your case that is fortunate, no children short marriage etc.

I am not saying it doesn't hurt, it all hurts; but you can likely escape and be way better off.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: GA
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keptmyword ( Member #35526) posted at 2:02 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

I don't understand how someone just decides they don't love you and "aren't happy" after 12 years of being together.

Your husband is one of many, many narcissists out there that crave attention and validation.

It’s literally drug-like in the dopamine/endorphin rush that they get from people in the form of praise and attention.

People like this will act in whatever way they need to in front of whoever they are with to appear ideal to them in order to get the praise and complements they crave.

You were the current drug of choice for him for a number of years but, after some time, the drug lost its potency and the effect is not enough to supply his need for validation.

Along comes a new drug in the form of fresh, new female attention.

Like any drug addict, they will drop the old drug for the fresh new high of the new one.

He doesn’t get satisfaction, worth, and validation by living authentically via values such as honesty, loyalty, commitment, and compassion.

He gets it from fleeting praise from people that validate his fragile ego’s need.

What you must know is that his disloyalty and betrayal had nothing to do with you or your relationship/marriage.

He would have done this to anyone and is likely to do the same to his current addiction.

Be glad you did not have children with this kind of person.

For the pain you may feel now is 1000X worse in the pain you feel for children having to be put through the cruelty and trauma of having to watch their family being destroyed from within for no other reason than someone’s inconceivable selfishness.

I’m guessing you are around your husband’s age - about 30.

If so, then, as much as it hurts right now, you are fortunate that this happened at a young age.

There are many here that the same thing happened to them after decades of marriage.

His betrayal now spared you the pain of it happening late in life - although, even later in life, it’s never too late to live a better joyful life after leaving the misery of this kind of betrayal behind.

I would bet a good amount of money that at some point in the not too distant future that you will look back and be glad this pathetic woman helped rid you of an adultery time-bomb waiting to go off after who knows how many years of marriage to him.

My best of luck to you.

You will be fine and happy.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1132   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
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HouseOfPlane ( Member #45739) posted at 2:52 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

susielee

Most times they start devaluing and distancing themselves from the betrayed spouse long before the BS finds out what is going on.

This

It was years in the making. You just didn't know it.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2718   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
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Bigger ( Guide #8354) posted at 11:26 AM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

The only way I know to act to deal with reality is with reality.

Reality is your husband has moved another woman into his life and is not hiding it from anyone. You are out.

Could this change? Could he come crawling back? Well… yes. But the reality is that right now he isn’t and that’s what you need to deal with.

The reality is also that your husbands morals and ethics are at a level where he’s OK with getting married, making major purchases, having an affair, flaunting his new woman and manipulating (significant) cash illegally.

That reality suggest that he won’t be adverse to moving property, assets and income around to make it less accessible in divorce.

To me THAT is the reality you are dealing with.

I know you asked about the detachment. The emotional aspect. You can deal with that, but to me the most important thing right now is to start the cold business and legal aspect of what you are dealing with.

I would suggest the following actions:

Do a quick google search for divorce in your state. You two are legally married – what does that mean regarding property, marital assets and such. In whose name was the home, the beach-house and all that pre-marriage? Did the marriage change that?

Go find a good, competent attorney. Remember there is confidentiality between client and attorney so I would be totally 100% frank about the illegal money. It’s origins, how used and so on. Rather than seeing this as a risk or danger I see the illegal money as a great lever to your advantage…

Check with the attorney on what can be done to freeze or ensure possessions in the marriage. You do not want the boat to be sold to the OW brother for minimum price. Your WH has already shown he’s willing to partake in monkey-buisness.

I have a feeling the “illegal” money is coming from the business. Like a contractor that get’s paid for a renovation under the table, or costs of parts used to hide gain or something like that. It’s something everyone at a certain level in the business is in on and takes advantage of. If I’m correct then a lot of pressure can be asserted with the threat of blowing things up in court and a call to the IRS… Maybe making your WH agreeable to better terms for you.

A key question to the attorney will be your accountability for whatever illegal monies he had (and we are assuming the illegal cash came from him) and what financial and legal consequences it’s existence might have on you. Frankly I doubt there are any major or serious consequences…

Self esteem? Well… there is an often-proven adage here on SI along the lines that they cheat despite you, not because of you. You don’t have to search too much to find instances of beautiful, powerful and successful people whose marriages are impacted by a cheating spouse. He didn’t choose her because there was anything lacking in you, he chose her because there was a lot lacking in HIM.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 9858   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
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susielee ( Member #74877) posted at 2:09 PM on Tuesday, July 13th, 2021

"You do not want the boat to be sold to the OW brother for minimum price. Your WH has already shown he’s willing to partake in monkey-business."

And if this does happen, it can most likely be litigated in court, and/or used as leverage for a better settlement.

Marital fraud is a thing even in no fault 50/50 states.

posts: 63   ·   registered: Jul. 15th, 2020   ·   location: GA
id 8675081
Topic is Sleeping.
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