SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It has been less than a week since I found out.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/654025/wife-having-emotional-and-more-o-affair-not-sure-how-to-process/

TLDR: emotional and inappropriate sexually online affair

I was able to actually think about the possibility of taking the long road and working things out, and it might actually work. I thought about it, and read lots from the Healing Library last night. Before I was not even able to click on the link to this section.

This morning I brought up the possibility with WS. I made sure she knew that it would be difficult, and might still not work, and if it does work, a lot would be different on both sides, and be a completely different relationship.

My shock and anger have, not gone away, but are less so I am able to think a little more clear.

I wanted to come here and get some perspective from others on if this might actually work. Am I deluding myself. Are we doomed to fail. I know that none of you know me or her, and everyone's path is different and there is no right answer, but just hoped there might be some insight or perspective for me to gain here.

I think a week is a short time.

I can't speak to your WW's commitment or readiness to do the work you need or she needs.

But I can say this - your emotions and thoughts will be a roller coaster - even if she commits.

I'm not one to say you should or should not be jumping to this stage, but I will say you need to take a breath, take your time, and figure out what you need and want in this new context you've become aware of.

You're not done processing this new situation (infidelity) yet.

[This message edited by LostOpportunities20 at 9:38 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

How did she react?

Did she say everything about what she did? Did you see some remorse? Have you seen any action from her to try to earn you? Did she cry for not losing you?

If not, you should not be moving to R too quickly.

[This message edited by jujuchrist at 9:44 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

I'm not one to say you should or should not be jumping to this stage, but I will say you need to take a breath, take your time, and figure out what you need and want in this new context you've become aware of.

I think part of it is that I don't want to jump to a R, and I don't want to jump to a D. But I can't sit in limbo, so we need to pick a path.

One week isn't even the start. You should still be in the numb and disbelief stage. You know it happened but can't really resolve what it all means.

The conventional wisdom here, for fence sitters, is that you should wait 6 months before making any real decision. This will get you past the worst of the emotional upheaval and you'll make much better decisions. For those where the A is a final, irreversible deal breaker, they should move to D as soon as possible.

And, yes, your M can survive all this. It requires two things:

1. you're all in to save it

2. she's all in to save it

Any tether lines between your WW and the AP and you have nothing but lies, gaslighting and a lot more hurt coming your way.

Get many perspectives on this. It's a bad idea to rush into R thinking you're on you're way out. You might be on your way in (as in you only know a small part of the story and trickle truth - her continuing to lie and it ends up finishing your M).

Tell her it's truth and consequences time. No truth, no M. What do you get to find out: whatever it is that you want to find out. Don't accept less. No reason to be very nice about all this.

Don't fall for love bombing, sex bombing, crying and fake emotional responses.

Good Luck.

[This message edited by rugswept at 9:56 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

And, yes, your M can survive all this. It requires two things:

1. you're all in to save it

2. she's all in to save it

I already told her that trust is anything she tells me will be difficult on my part, and I can only ever really know from my side, and I will have to trust her side. If she chooses D, then it is easier, nothing for me to trust there. But if she chooses R, then it will on my part to trust that she is holding to her part, and as of right now I honestly don't know if the trust can be regained, but I'm willing to try.

Early on from Dday#2, I offered R too soon. I hadn't found SI yet, but I had read every book I could get my hands on, hoping to save my marriage. I scoured the internet for success stories, stumbling upon what I call the infidelity recovery industrial complex, a loose collection of organizations and gurus who make their living "healing" relationships. Every success story made me think, "Yes, there is hope!" And this hope encouraged me to work even harder.

When I finally decided to end my marriage, I scoured that very same internet. This time, I found confirmation that most relationships dont survive and most cheaters don't change. In each case, I found what I was looking for, a clear example of confirmation bias if ever there was one.

I think it takes hitting a point of detachment where we can be a little more clinical about our particular situation in order to truly navigate it. I'm almost there. Hopefully.

The reality I have discovered is that most marriages that suffer infidelity fail in the five years. Those that survive, a paltry 5-10% of the original number can be described as string or better after infidelity. This again presupposes that all of us agree w on what strong means. So in the end, adultery is a marriage-killer in most situations.

I think the ones that make it are those in which both partners, especially the waywards, have good core personalities, and the affair represented an aberration in behaviour. In my STBXWW'S situation, her affair was completely in keeping with who she was, an emotionally immature woman who thrives on the attention of men and defines her self worth physically, hitting her 50's and recognizing her only asset, her body, has declined, no longer having the same value it did before. She had a choice to either come to terms with this and rest securely in the arms of a husband that adored her, or find a player who fawned over her and convinced her that she still had it. No surprise what she chose, as water and weak characters take the road of least resistance.

Now reading this, you might think I hate my STBXWW, but no. I neither like nor hate her. I've reached the level of indifference, but it is precisely that indifference that affords me a detached perspective to analyze my narrative. Man, what I would have given for insight like this in my twenties...

This post is from the point of view of you being a typical BS in what they thought was a monogamous M with typical M problems and expectations.

You're still in the shock stage. If it hasn't started yet, you're going to be soon riding The Emotional Rollercoaster. Keep hands, feet, and offers to R inside the cab at all times.

Right this second you just want back what you thought was the status quo, you want to be back in a reasonably happy M with a faithful W, things just as they were. That represented safety and right now your little mammalian hind-brain is screaming out to find a safe place, to get back what you had, and then to keep on keeping on, as it were.

That this is possible is a falsehood. Re-read this sentence.

Your W has to show you, through consistent action over a period of time, that she is a _candidate_ for R. She has to openly talk about how you feel, she has to feel compassion and empathy for you, and this will be evidenced by true remorse on her side.

IMHO, and I've never R'd, you need to wait to see if she is "all in" or if she's sticking toes in the water of R to see how cold the water is and how big the waves are. If she's doing that she's still having wayward thinking.

Good luck.

I think part of it is that I don't want to jump to a R, and I don't want to jump to a D. But I can't sit in limbo, so we need to pick a path.

You eventually need to pick a path - but I don't think you have to pick R or D yet. I think there is ground work to be done before you decide.

One week is not limbo. One month is not limbo. Shoot, even a year or two might not be considered limbo.

I think everyone is just saying...take a step back and work on yourself and see if your WW will start working on herself before throwing yourself in either direction.

From your previous post, you were adamant on the D. What changed overnight? You just had a talk to her and you decided to try for R?
Did she meet all your conditions? I didn't see anything from that convo that she agreed to all your conditions. You haven't even asked her for the whole truth.
I read from your story that you think it was never physical because she's terrified of getting COVID. What makes you think she acts what she says? She's telling you she loves you and she tells that to her online lovers too. Look at the way she acts, not the way she talks.
All the best!

[This message edited by beb252 at 11:22 PM, Sunday, July 4th]

you think it was never physical because she's terrified of getting COVID.

And she was making plans with an OM, to meet at a hotel.

But if she chooses R, then it will on my part to trust that she is holding to her part

That's not how R works. Many WS say they want R. But, the truth is, they just don't want to divorce. Which isn't the same thing.

No, if she says she wants to ATTEMPT reconciliation, then your job, this close to dday, is to watch what she does. What are her actions? Is she doing the work?

Reconciliation isn't something one chooses, so they're reconciled. It's a very long process. It takes YEARS.

Full trust rarely returns. Some trust returns, after several months of honest,consistent, and remorseful actions by the WS.

It would be foolish to trust her,at all, anytime soon.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:32 PM, July 4th (Sunday)]

I want to make clear here, in a confusing way, that I am not offering R, I am offering to at least think about if we could ever get to R.

Nobody is in any physical danger, so there is not need to rush anything. I don't know if there is a term for the road to R. But I think that is the even harder option. I don't know if real R is ever possible, and we could spend years trying, only to fail. Statistically, probably. And while I don't think any of this is good for the kids, I do think that it would be better for them to know that we truly tried, and it still didn't work. It could fail in 5 weeks, 5 months, or 5 years. But right now I am not going to try unless she tells me that is something that she thinks even has a small chance of working, and it is something she wants.

It would be a really long, dangerous, road. And I know that going in.

I hate what she did, but I don't hate her.

KETRIgHc,

But right now I am not going to try unless she tells me that is something that she thinks even has a small chance of working, and it is something she wants.

What has she told you or said since you spoke to her about possible R (if anything)?

She said that she needed to think about it also. So for now, we can be civil with each other. And don't need to rush to anything.

K:

It’s not confusing at all. You have explained what you are doing and your thought process well. You are not giving her a pass or jumping into R. You are taking a pause and there is no need to rush. Not only will your children appreciate that you genuinely tried, but in the long run you will feel better about making a considered decision giving yourself time to watch her actions and determine how you really feel. Based on what I have gleaned from these pages most take some time to make a considered decision after the emotions have settled a bit. Your WW may prove to be truly remorseful or not. She may have it in her to do the hard work to face herself and work on how she became so broken as to betray your trust, or she may not. Tim will tell. Good luck.

There should be specific requirements for R

No contact with AP

Transparency

The truth

Wayward willing to pull the heavier load

IC for the wayward

Even if you have those there are zero guarantees

You don’t want to go through this again.

Am I fooling myself

Yes

She said that she needed to think about it also.

Red flag.

If a WS is anywhere near remorse, there would be zero hesitance in answering with a definitive 'Yes' if offered the path of R.

IMHO, it is too early for you to decide on R or D, so take your time. Do not broach the subject of R or D with your WS or even yourself.

Go see an IC first, and get counsel to straighten out your mind. When things are spinning less around in your head, then you will be in a better position to pick the R or D route.

Did you confront your WW with all the information you have acquired? Wasn't she talking to some guy about meeting up at a local hotel in the near future? Did you confront her on that exchange of texts? She should be begging you to save the marriage. She is doing just the opposite. You don't know anywhere close to the truth and seem reticent to get to the bottom of what is going on. You are setting yourself up for a gigantic fall if you don't get her on board with the true complete story of her EA. You obviously know more about what is going on and where her head is at than I do, but large gaps are missing that seem to indicate you are reluctant to fully confront her. You have to do that before you can do anything.

[This message edited by src9043 at 7:11 AM, July 5th (Monday)]