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Someone committed to marriage doesn't need to think about it. That answer alone is evidence that she's not R material.

I think part of it is that I don't want to jump to a R, and I don't want to jump to a D. But I can't sit in limbo, so we need to pick a path.

To make the best choice for you, you need to gather a lot of data - about yourself and what you want, and about her, what she wants, and what she'll do.

If R is a possibility for you, a decision that is likely to work out as you desire is best based on observing your W's behavior. She can and will show you if she's a good candidate for R, but it takes time. I observed my W for 3 months before committing to R, and I wish I had taken more time.

IOW, you've set up a false dichotomy. D & R are not the only choices available to your right now. \\And you've given yourself a deadline that is too likely to hurt you.

You're undecided because you don't have enough data, not because you're indecisive. Gather the data. Then make your decision.

*****

But gather data by testing your W.

Ask questions. Offer her lots of opportunities to lie.

Ask for what you want. Offer her lots of opportunities to say, 'No.'

Feel your grief, anger, fear, and shame - feeling emotions lets them go (but you'll have lots of emotion, so it takes a lot of feeling).

If she has to think about it, R should not be on the table. If she was even a little remorseful or even had any shame, she would want the opportunity of R, no thinking required.

Use this time that she wants to think about it to detach and find your own counselor to help you move forward without her. If things change, you can address that at that time. For now, you are not in R or on your way to R. She still plans on keeping all the power in this relationship because she cannot even verbally commit to trying R. Would you even want to discuss it further when she isn't sure?

[This message edited by clouds777 at 11:09 AM, July 5th (Monday)]

She has to think about committing to the marriage?

Not safe and repeats happen.

She said she has to think about it.

So basically you are her Plan B.

She hasn't even been truthful with you, she's been donning a slave collar for another man and you're in the reconciliation forum? I don't mean to be dismissive but it sounds like you are trying to will this nightmare away by shutting your eyes tightly.

-Has she given you a timeline?

-Has she given you access to her computer and phone?

-Explained why she locked herself in your bedroom?

-Knocked it off with the “mistake” gaslighting?

-Explained how she became another man’s sex slave?

You can't conjure reconciliation out of thin air.

It sounds like you are still in shock and falling prey to Nice Guy Syndrome.

I don't see the "I have to think about it" comment as such a red flag. If anything, I think she deserves credit for not just jumping to "Oh please don't leave me I'll do anything" when you ask if she wants to reconcile. After all, how many times have we seen stories of a wayward who jumps right to reconciliation but secretly keeps in contact with his or her AP? Lots.

Your WW seems to have some sexual interests in the BDSM world that she did not share with you. These interests/fetishes can be very powerful and difficult to deny. If you don't address her interests it's likely she will seek to explore them again. You see this all the time with closeted cross dressers who meet a woman and think they can put away their secret stash of women's clothes to play the "normal" husband role, only to have the compulsion to "dress" become overwhelming. Likewise, a true sexual submissive will have difficulty suppressing those submissive desires long term.

We all have needs that we would like fulfilled in our relationships. If your WW has a need to be sexually dominated by her partner, you need to really be honest with yourself and her regarding whether you can be the one to fill those needs for her. It's not easy to be a "dom" and you will probably find it unfulfilling for you if you're not already wired that way or have an interest in that world.

It's a giant shit sandwich, no doubt about that. But the way forward is through total and brutal honesty from each of you to one another. Only then can you determine whether there is a way to fill each other's needs and salvage the relationship, or even if you both want to.

Unmet needs is a bottomless pit. It's not your job to conform yourself to your WW’s needs for Fifty Shades of Grey. And this is way more than her poking around BDSM topics out of curiosity. This is way bigger than that. She's worn a slave collar for another man at his bidding, for his excitement and who knows what else. OP has seen the chats.

Really bad advice to take this as “oh honey let me see if I can fulfill this role for you.” astonishing.

She has betrayed him already.