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At times it's been a struggle dealing with my affair and how it's affected my husband. It's a terrible feeling I get seeing my husband struggle how I took his soul and just crushed it. I have been finding ways to reach out to my husband when he is feeling down or is upset. I'm learning to attend to his needs more and more each day. I make the time to see how he is or if he is really down. I tell him I'm sorry he is in so much pain and how I am sorry for betraying him. When he wants space or tells me is really down. I let him be and I just let him know if he wants to talk about the affair or need me to listen that I am here for him. I ensure my husband that I do love him and I am sorry for not showing that to him. How selfish and I was a coward not to fix our marriage. Each day is hard for me I try to go on each day by reading, finding ways to be there for my husband, when he is down. I talk to him and I apologize that he has this pain because of me. That I feel horrible to see him this way and how I just want to continue to show that I am remorseful for my actions. At times I feel that I am losing my husband each day. Idk if he will ever be okay or learn to find happiness with me or anyone. It's not a good feeling knowing I ruined his life and our marriage. It's been hard because around this time I was engaging in my affair. I know that's all my husband thinks about and I do too. I just can't believe I thought it was okay to do that. I should have been focused on fixing my marriage not finding comfortable in another man. When I wanted to start a family and my husband was. I was too busy with another man. I am angry with myself for putting my marriage and wanting expand my family. Now because of my actions I might never get that chance with my husband. I'm 34 and I'm not sure if I will ever get the case to have another Child. I took that away from my husband and myself. It's a harsh reality and hard pill to swallow knowing these are the outcomes of my actions. I am doing my best to stay strong for my husband because he is my main priority. But each day I struggle and it's hard to find happiness. I have started a new job which has made things a little better, also been reading and working out. Just trying to be healthy for my mind and body. One day at a time. I tell myself

Hey there Patty21. BS here but I'll tread lightly. I'll hold my tongue on issues within your M both before and after your A.

Now - what I will speak on is you and your struggle with feeling down.

You can't pour from an empty cup. And you can't heal yourself if stuck in the Pit of Despair.

I like what I read about you having a new job, reading and working out. All these are positive things. I'm going to add make sure you drink your water and keep your nutrition up. Also, keep up your hygiene. Even if you don't feel like it. Take the time to not just shower - but feel the water washing away the layer of UCK you feel. Take the time to let that deep conditioner soak into your hair. Take the time to fully dry off with that fluffy towel. Take the time to slather on that body butter and do your full skin care regimen. You are worth it you know.

When you go to the gym - focus on a good workout. Relieve the stress. Relive the tension. Now - BS perspective - your WH may trigger [who she getting in shape for - who she wearing that cute outfit for]. He may even ask you these questions and be none too gentle about it. I was slinging daggers every time I could early on. BUT, breathe. In and out. Calmly tell him you are going to work out your stress and clear your mind. While this is your safe space, invite him. Let him know you aren't hiding anything. Be open, honest and transparent. And...while it is hard and will suck, put on your thick skin armor because his Lizard Brain is taking over and the barbs will come. Stay true. Stay calm.

Do you have a favorite thing - with me it is decadent coffee and chocolate. Set aside some time every so often to indulge. Do and think of nothing but that treat. I sit alone. I slowly sip my coffee and savor my chocolate. I do not think of ANYTHING. Just enjoy. Close my eyes and enjoy. That right there sooths my soul - even if just for 20 min. And that 20 min of soul soothing allows me to keep on keeping on. Find what yours is and do it.

You need to heal yourself Patty21. You can't do it while beating yourself up. You do need to self reflect but not self flagellate. You need to be open/honest/transparent with your BH. But...you aren't his whipping post either. Yes, I think you do have to take [at this stage] a lot of what he's dishing out. You caused him pain and trauma. You don't have to take abuse. You need to offer him support. But you aren't his surgeon and can't mend his broken heart. He has to do that himself and the motivation has to come from within. Trust me - I resisted and resented this for a long time. When I finally got sick of myself, then I turned a corner. When I finally realized it had nothing to do with WH or even LTAP I stood the F*** up.

It hard. I get it. It must be hard from your side of the fence too. It a delicate dance and easier said than done I know.

Wishing you the best...

I do make sure to enjoy my shower use things that make me feel good or smell nice. When I workout I don't get too flashy. I keep it simple a.d just focus on my workout. I have my headphones and just focus on myself. I do make time to read and just relax. When my husband likes to interrupt that I express that I would like my time for myself. He had told me I was reading enough to help heal myself and him. So now I tell him that I am going to read to be alone. When he is feeling down. I ask him if he wants to talk or if he needs anything from me. I tell him I'm sorry he is struggling and let him know that it hurts me to see him in pain. At times I get angry when we bicker and it has nothing to do with the affair. This morning we workout and he was done. I stayed a min longer to finish my cardio. Then wiped the machine and washed my hands. My husband was upset because I didn't communicate and tell him I needed one more min. Then he went on about the affair. I just tell him that I have no problem to talk and let him vent about the affair. But me taking one extra min to finish my workout had nothing to do with the affair. I know he has been down lately. So he has been telling how I am a horrible/bad wife because of the affair and I agree with him. But I don't tolerate him calling me a bad wife because I ask for help around the house. I really have been taking care of myself. I just feel that my husband won't ever see the progress I will make. He just tells me good for me but it's not good for him. The damage is done. I know one day at a time.

I do make sure to enjoy my shower use things that make me feel good or smell nice. When I workout I don't get too flashy. I keep it simple a.d just focus on my workout. I have my headphones and just focus on myself. I do make time to read and just relax. When my husband likes to interrupt that I express that I would like my time for myself. He had told me I was reading enough to help heal myself and him. So now I tell him that I am going to read to be alone. When he is feeling down. I ask him if he wants to talk or if he needs anything from me. I tell him I'm sorry he is struggling and let him know that it hurts me to see him in pain. At times I get angry when we bicker and it has nothing to do with the affair. This morning we workout and he was done. I stayed a min longer to finish my cardio. Then wiped the machine and washed my hands. My husband was upset because I didn't communicate and tell him I needed one more min. Then he went on about the affair. I just tell him that I have no problem to talk and let him vent about the affair. But me taking one extra min to finish my workout had nothing to do with the affair. I know he has been down lately. So he has been telling how I am a horrible/bad wife because of the affair and I agree with him. But I don't tolerate him calling me a bad wife because I ask for help around the house. I really have been taking care of myself. I just feel that my husband won't ever see the progress I will make. He just tells me good for me but it's not good for him. The damage is done. I know one day at a time.

I do make sure to enjoy my shower use things that make me feel good or smell nice. When I workout I don't get too flashy. I keep it simple a.d just focus on my workout. I have my headphones and just focus on myself. I do make time to read and just relax. When my husband likes to interrupt that I express that I would like my time for myself. He had told me I was reading enough to help heal myself and him. So now I tell him that I am going to read to be alone. When he is feeling down. I ask him if he wants to talk or if he needs anything from me. I tell him I'm sorry he is struggling and let him know that it hurts me to see him in pain. At times I get angry when we bicker and it has nothing to do with the affair. This morning we workout and he was done. I stayed a min longer to finish my cardio. Then wiped the machine and washed my hands. My husband was upset because I didn't communicate and tell him I needed one more min. Then he went on about the affair. I just tell him that I have no problem to talk and let him vent about the affair. But me taking one extra min to finish my workout had nothing to do with the affair. I know he has been down lately. So he has been telling how I am a horrible/bad wife because of the affair and I agree with him. But I don't tolerate him calling me a bad wife because I ask for help around the house. I really have been taking care of myself. I just feel that my husband won't ever see the progress I will make. He just tells me good for me but it's not good for him. The damage is done. I know one day at a time.

Patty your BH's healing is on him. Yes you hurt him. Yes your actions caused pain. But he has to make the choice for himself that he is going to work on his healing and really there is not one thing you can do to do that for him at this point.

It seems to me that he is spinning his wheels and staying stuck, and I truly empathize with him being a former BW. But it does not serve him to default to the A in every single situation, and it doesn't serve YOU or the marriage either.

All you can do is to take accountability for your part (which I think you are doing), and support his healing if and when he asks for your support. You can't do it for him, no matter how clean you keep the house, no matter how many showers you take, no matter how much you punish yourself, no matter how much you allow him to punish you... NONE of that heals him. He has to want to do that for himself, and frankly he doesn't seem to want to.

You don't owe it to him to be his emotional whipping post, no matter what led to this current situation.

I agree with you and when we do bicker I tell him those things doesn't have anything to do with the affair. I remind him if he wants to vent,have me listen or talk about it I am here. But I have been putting my foot down on how he uses the affair for other things. I agree I was wrong and I acknowledge the pain he is in. I just feel at times he tries to punish me because i cheated. Your right no matter how much I clean or don't he will just try to punish me. I tell him that it doesn't make me a bad wife that cheating on him made me a bad wife and how I am working on being a safe partner. I feel that I am losing him because of my actions and it really sucks.

Each day it gets worse and I just feel hopeless. Hope to get more feedback. I have no one to talk to

Patty,

I hear you and I understand you are really trying to be there for your husband. I was a BH also so I understand your husbands feelings.

This is still very fresh in his mind. I imagine he is trying to figure out if he wants to stay with you or not. His mind is a mess right now. I hope he is getting IC to help him decide what to do.

I agree that he shouldn't be bringing up your A when discussing every day things like housekeeping, etc.

You shouldn't be his punching bag. You don't deserve to be verbally abused. But every time he looks at you he thinks about the other man and loses his mind.

Every BS has to decide if the A is a deal breaker or not. For me it was. I think your husband is trying to figure out what he should do and it's tearing him apart.

Maybe you and he should agree to separate for a time and both continue to get IC. You could agree to talk several times a week to see where everything stands at each point.

Continuing to stay married after an A is very difficult. You have a long road ahead of you if you decide to stay together.

I wish you luck.

When dealing with rational analysts it makes perfect sense to say asking him to clean has nothing to do with you cheating.

However, your husband is likely on thin ice as to staying and undoubtedly having that terrible internal battle between the fear telling him "run, she is not safe, you are a fool to stay" and his love/attachment and comfort saying "I dont want to leave". When you nag him about cleaning which side are you affecting more?

I have been following your posts since the beginning...I've recently joined but I've been reading here for many years...in reading i just get a gut feeling that you really just want him to be over it. It feels like you've been able to convince him in the past and now you can't. This is causing you a great deal of anxiety which I'm sure is obvious to everyone reading.

I believe you would be far more successful if you acknowledge his pain without qualifiers or trying to find reasons to avoid the conversation you will make more progress.

I read people saying here the BS healing is on him. I agree, yet there is a lot you can do to aid in his healing, more importantly retard it.

My typical advice to any ws who complains,in the first year after dday, that their BS reverts back to the affair, during arguments that have nothing to do with the affair, yet the BS starts to get upset about the affair is..

Yes it is. The affair is so encompassing. It affects every.single.aspect of the betrayed spouse's life. That EVERYTHING is about the affair. For a long time.

So..you complaining that it isn't about the affair..while technically true, it is not true for your BS. Because, to him, it is.

And..really..what are you accomplishing by telling him he isn't allowed to be triggered when you do something that reminds him about your affair? Because that's what is happening.

Whenever my husband needs to vent he doesn't want to. he rather get mad about little things and bring it up. also this fighting about little things happened very early in our marriage. I understand right now my husband is going through alot but he doesn't allow me to be there in any way because I am the one who caused him this pain. So he is shutting me out and I tell him that I do try to be there in any way or that I am sorry but he doesn't want to hear it. So in that case I'm not sure how to do anything or help him heal. I think if he wants to talk about the affair that I'm am there but to get mad that I am not doing enough. What is the point of that

I'm in no way attempting to invalid your feelings, yet in your own words you admitt to putting conditions on the talks about the affair. You can absolutely not try to control this.

Many moons ago, my wife (who refused to admit to her affair) would say, "I can't talk to you when you get this way" or "your anger is already preventing this conversation from being productive " years later she admitted it was simply her not wanting to have the conversations. I see that here as well.

I believe you want to help him and make your marriage better, I dont believe you can handle the discomfort doing so brings.

Only you are living day to day with your BH, so only you can judge whether his behavior is crossing the line into emotional and/or physical abuse. His actions may be understandable, but that does not automatically make them justifiable.

As you determine how much you are willing and able to tolerate, remember that there is no guarantee that your BH will ease up over time. Indeed, if venting doesn't sufficiently alleviate the pain, it could escalate. In following the SI mantra to "take what you need and leave the rest," I have always "left" the attitude that WS are not permitted to have any boundaries. Just like your BH, you can decide at any time that you broke the marriage beyond repair. If things have reached that point, then cutting ties might be the best chance of emotional survival for both of you.
If you decide that it's unhealthy to keep trying for R, then please treat him as generously as possible in the divorce. His actions are his own, but they are also an outgrowth of pain that you inflicted. Continue to work on yourself to figure out why and how you allowed yourself to cheat. Walking away from abuse does not mean you get to wipe your slate clean.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 6:37 AM, Sunday, July 4th]

Whenever my husband needs to vent he doesn't want to. he rather get mad about little things and bring it up. also this fighting about little things happened very early in our marriage.

Two things stand out to me here Patty. The first is that despite you feeling very much there for him, it seems to me that you wait for him to come to you. How proactive are you being when it comes to talking about the affair? Do you sit him down and discuss revelations that you have had regarding your whys? Do you let him know when a thought crosses your mind and how you can understand how incredibly painful your affair is for him? Do you apologize for very specific actions prior to an argument occurring? It almost seems to me that he is bottling things up and then they come out over what seems like “little things” because perhaps he doesn’t want to be the one continually bringing up how much pain he is in to the one that hurt him. Coming to you puts him in a very vulnerable position, one which he is fighting to be in. If you were to come to him, not by saying “is there anything you want to talk about?” But by saying “This is what I’ve been thinking, and I know I hurt you…” it very much changes the dynamic.

The second thing that stands out to me is that you very rarely post anything without mentioning negative things about your husband or your marriage prior to your affair. Maybe it is time to start focusing on your whys and digging deep internally rather than focusing on everything he is doing (or not doing right). I can tell you from my own experience that the more I worked on myself, the more I was able to demonstrate true empathy for my husband. The more I was able to do that, the less angry he became.

You are in the very early stages of all of this. There is still a very long row to hoe. Not all marriages are meant to be saved and only time will tell if yours is one, but everyone has the capability of working on themselves and being the person they truly want to be.

He doesn't want to talk to me about it period. When I can see he is in pain he tells me he can't talk to me and to leave him alone. When I apologize to him he just tells me how bad of a wife I was in our relationship. When I do say I am working on myself because I know I fucked up. He tells me good for you. I can tell when he isn't doing well. So I try to comfort and be on his level he won't let me. He rather just get angry with me. I just feel it's only a matter of time until things end and I will just have to figure out what is my plan on moving forward. He tells me he can't talk to me because I betrayed him and he has to do it himself. So no matter what I do I'm still back to square one

So no matter what I do I'm still back to square one

Not necessarily. This statement is a reaction to him and his behavior. What are you doing to work on yourself? Reading and exercising are all well and good, but what are doing to reflect on that dark part inside of you that allowed you to cross boundaries you knew you shouldn’t? What are you doing to resolve that within yourself?

Working on your whys and facing your demons will move you a good distance from square one.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 11:43 AM, July 4th (Sunday)]

I am working on my whys I have been reading this book called the body keeps score. Just been reflecting on my life from past to present. Thinking about why I allowed myself to think it was okay to seek attention outside my marriage when I knew deep down kt wouldn't solve anything. I haven't had insurance so I had to stop my therapy. So now with my new job I have insurance again. So I will be looking for a therapist so I can continue working on my whys and really digging deeper on my issues.

Gently now:

when we do bicker I tell him those things doesn't have anything to do with the affair.

Ahem.... to you it doesn't, but to him, everything will be linked to your A. You are still thinking about things from your perspective only, and not trying to think how he is feeling, as you are protecting yourself.

I remind him if he wants to vent,have me listen or talk about it I am here. But I have been putting my foot down on how he uses the affair for other things.

So, you are invalidating his feelings, controlling what he should say to you, when he should say things to you?

I agree I was wrong and I acknowledge the pain he is in. I just feel at times he tries to punish me because i cheated. Your right no matter how much I clean or don't he will just try to punish me.

In the quote above, you may not mean it in this way, but I read it as if you shouldn't be punished for having an A. You acknowledge his pain, you acknowledge you did wrong, but then you turn around and blame him for punishing you?

I tell him that it doesn't make me a bad wife that cheating on him made me a bad wife and how I am working on being a safe partner.

Sorry, going to be blunt here; yes, it does make you a bad wife. IMO, a 'good' SO will not betray their loved ones. It is good that you are working on being a 'safe partner', and not a 'safe wife'.

I feel that I am losing him because of my actions and it really sucks.

Flip it around; he lost you when you had your A.

I know your case is difficult, as there seems to be dysfunctional behaviours in the M even before your A, but ultimately, if things were so dysfunctional, it would have been more 'noble' to have left the relationship, rather than take up the choice of betrayal, as you would have been able to walk away with your head held high.

I agree that I am a bad wife for cheating. Idk how I'm a bad wife If I ask for help around the the house. I am stating that he punishes me because of other things. If he has to do with the affair I understand that. I do get on his level and express my thoughts and feelings for what I did to my husband and our marriage. I guess at times getting yelled at for things around the house at times puts me in the place on how things were before I had the affair. This was new to our relationship. When my husband let's me in I really do communicate with him. When he asks for his space I let him be . I do my best to do things to help him and let let him be less stressed since he has other things on his mind

I can tell when he isn't doing well and I will ask if he wants to talk or listen. I tell him I am sorry if he is struggling and that I am here for him.i acknowledge how bad I was for ever betraying him, how I didn't care about his feelings and how I wasnt there for him when he needed me.