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 Patty21 (original poster member #78432) posted at 5:02 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

I agree that I am a bad wife for cheating. Idk how I'm a bad wife If I ask for help around the the house. I am stating that he punishes me because of other things. If he has to do with the affair I understand that. I do get on his level and express my thoughts and feelings for what I did to my husband and our marriage. I guess at times getting yelled at for things around the house at times puts me in the place on how things were before I had the affair. This was new to our relationship. When my husband let's me in I really do communicate with him. When he asks for his space I let him be . I do my best to do things to help him and let let him be less stressed since he has other things on his mind

I can tell when he isn't doing well and I will ask if he wants to talk or listen. I tell him I am sorry if he is struggling and that I am here for him.i acknowledge how bad I was for ever betraying him, how I didn't care about his feelings and how I wasnt there for him when he needed me.

posts: 103   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: AZ
id 8672776
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leavingorbit ( member #69680) posted at 5:23 PM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021

Is he in counseling? IIRC, he was abusive before. That is what he knows to do and how he has consistently interacted with your marriage. I am not saying this to blame him. I am recounting what has been relayed before. Does this info sound correct to you? If so, I don’t think he will not stop coping/not coping that way unless he gets help, and I’m not sure that help can come from you, because you have hurt him back. I think has to want to do that, you can’t make him.

It’s sounding to me like a really unhealthy and miserable situation for both of you. It also sounds like your M was already on fire and your A was gasoline. I hope counseling points you to why you had an A and avoided putting that fire out, even if it meant leaving. I’m really sorry, Patty. I’m thinking of both of you.

When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us. - bell hooks

posts: 233   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2019
id 8672787
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:03 PM on Wednesday, July 7th, 2021

You might see your husband's complaints as nitpicking or petty oneupmanship, but maybe if you step back, you will see that what he's upset about is part of a larger pattern of behavior that now includes your affair.

For example, my ex never put his dirty clothes in the hamper, even if the hamper was literally an inch from where he tossed his clothes. Pre-DDay, this was a harmless pet peeve of mine that I even used to joke about in a good-natured way; after DDay, it was absolutely infuriating.

Why? Because leaving the clothes on the floor was now indicative of his thoughtlessness and lack of consideration for me... just like his affair.

In your case, I think it's important to add that your husband was never restrained in his complaints; in fact, you both admit that he could be pretty cruel when he criticized you, even when you didn't deserve it.

Therefore, it's absolutely puzzling to me that you're so surprised and dumbfounded by the fact that your husband is unwilling to give you the benefit of the doubt and isn't responding to your reconciliatory overtures with grace or gratitude.

Did you expect that your affair would be a humbling experience for him? If not, then what is the basis for your unrealistic expectations?

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 9:05 AM, July 7th (Wednesday)]

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8673087
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:29 AM on Thursday, July 8th, 2021

I agree that I am a bad wife for cheating. Idk how I'm a bad wife If I ask for help around the the house.

I think what is getting to me is the word 'wife' used in the sentences above, and it is my problem, not yours, as the word 'wife' (or 'husband') brings up a different mental picture for me.

Yes, you are technically correct; you not a bad wife if you ask for help around the house, as you are still married to your spouse, so the definition of 'wife' remains.

I am stating that he punishes me because of other things. If he has to do with the affair I understand that.

... but that's the thing, to some BS (especially with it is a recent betrayal), everything is linked.

As I posted earlier, there are toxic dynamics in your M that need to be addressed, and the element of the A does not help clear things up.

Both you and your BH need to seek professional guidance/help individually, if you want a smidgen of a chance at a successful R.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 890   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8673407
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 8:54 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

If both of you are really trying to R, then you should schedule for counseling. Your status now is static. Nobody's giving in. Whenever something bad happens, it always goes back to the cheating. And you're at your wits end. So counseling will definitely help.

From your posts, you seem to be really trying hard to work on R. However, whatever you do your BH seems to be always trying to focus on the affair. Example when you try to initiate sex with him, he simply doesn't want it. I think the reason is he still sees the mental picture of you and your AP. It happens a lot to BS's, some they can't even fathom to have intimacy with their WW because the mental image of them and the AP is too strong. Some even can't get a hard on. Some dread ever having physical intimacy at all. I believe that's what's happening to your BH.

If this goes on, I'm afraid that you'll eventually go for D. So you should at least consider counseling if you really don't want to lose your BH.

Al the best!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8674610
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 12:28 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

You said one thing that sticks out to me. You trying to stay strong for your husband- In my experience that is key. I am almost 9 years in and my biggest mistakes happened when I was worrying about myself and the pain I was in and poor me etc. When I really looked and think through my spouses eyes and did things to help her even at my own expense sometimes things seemed to improve. Good luck and it seems like you have the right attitude

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8678688
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 12:28 AM on Tuesday, July 27th, 2021

You said one thing that sticks out to me. You trying to stay strong for your husband- In my experience that is key. I am almost 9 years in and my biggest mistakes happened when I was worrying about myself and the pain I was in and poor me etc. When I really looked and think through my spouses eyes and did things to help her even at my own expense sometimes things seemed to improve. Good luck and it seems like you have the right attitude

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8678689
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maxfocs ( new member #78596) posted at 10:19 AM on Wednesday, August 4th, 2021

Hi Patty. How are you? Is the situation better?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2021   ·   location: toscana
id 8681125
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:45 AM on Monday, August 16th, 2021

Patty21,

Would your husband agree to read a book (or even articles or listen to podcasts) about healing from infidelity together with you?

My WH and I did this and still do this. We've read a couple of books aloud together--pausing to discuss as we go. It really generated great discussion and propelled our healing forward. Sometimes we agreed on a time-frame to read/discuss (like 20-30 min) and sometimes we just did a chapter or one podcast.

IDK,.something to try.

Me=BW
WH had online affairs
Married 30 yrs now
2 kids, both in HS
Dday#1=2/7/20
Dday#2=2/12/20
Dday#3=2/17/20
Dday#4=11/25/20...1st A with cOW was actually 2 1/2 years
BW & WH in IC & MC. Working toward R, but day by day

posts: 56   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8683686
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