Newest Member: Loyalandbetrayed

Just Found Out :
Shocked at his reaction

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Mino1 (original poster New Member #79021) posted at 5:19 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I'm just shocked.

I've always suspected that my husband was cheating but I didn't have any evidence due to the fact that he always covered up his tracks so well. The first shock is that he is actually a serial cheater as it seems like he will sleep with anything in skirts as long as they agree. Recently he had to travel for 3 weeks to another country. He would not pick my calls on some days or would only call me from the bathroom and I began to suspect something was afoot. Luckily for me I had access to his desktop which apparently had his login details for his Facebook messenger and whatsapp. Oh my goodness, my husband was sleeping around with different females. While watching the exchange of messages I would literally watch as he would wipe off and delete the whole exchange. I started taking screenshots of them before he could delete them. I have evidence of at least 3 that he can't deny, who knows the countless ones I have no idea about. And here I was thinking we had a happy marriage, apparently I'm just the face of a happy home while he does what he wants.

He finally came back and I confronted him calmly, this guy walked away without a shred of remorse...accusing me of snooping around. He did not bother to even affirm or deny. I'm like still in shock. Divorce has never seemed like a true reality because of our background and also we have 3 kids together. But the enormity of what he is is quite shocking, a serial cheater with no remorse or empathy. I can say I'm financially independent and have some savings to my name but we have the house together and are in the process of buying a bigger house. I'm at a loss for what to do next as he doesn't even seem to realize how much I'm hurting or the enormity of his actions.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8670387
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Freeme ( Member #31946) posted at 5:58 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I'm sorry you are going through this. The weekends are slow but I'm sure others with more experience will be along shortly.

He is not giving you anything to work with. You need to do whatever you can to move forward. He might be banking on you not wanting a divorce enough that he can continue to do whatever he wants. He might already be planning to divorce you. I'd speak to a lawyer as soon as possible. Speak to a few some offer a one hour free consult. Knowledge is power. You need to know what a divorce would look like if you needed to go that route. You should also get tested for STD's ASAP and not have sex with him again.

You can start to detach and see if he comes around by doing the 180 (see healing library on the left side of the screen)

I know you have young children but reconciling with a serial cheater is very difficult. He doesn't seem to be showing any remorse or well... any feelings what so ever. Keep moving forward out of infedelity. If he want's to work on your healing and fixing things he will let you know. Do not do the pick-me dance. It never works and only makes you feel worse.

Good luck

posts: 2801   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2011   ·   location: Washington DC
id 8670393
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:52 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

At this point you have absolutely nothing to work with, he´s not even regretful much less remorseful based on what you posted, get tested fro STDs-STIs ASAP ! yes he´s been playing russian roulette with your health and during a pandemic no less.

Consult a D attorney and have him served without warning, then expose him to All family and close friends, again without warning, if D papers and full exposure don´t shock him back to reality, nothing will, and if so just let D run its course and get out of infidelity.

posts: 2408   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8670397
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Sadismynewname ( Member #63897) posted at 7:32 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Oh that lovely Facebook messenger! That is what my husband used to connect with the Vietnamese prostitute too. I got the no remorse too. How in the world does someone married for 36 years have no guilt about going on a date with someone 40 years younger? Cheaters are just incredibly selfish. Don’t you just feel like a fool? I know I did. I thought we were happy and compatible. I had no idea how truly idiotic old men can be. You must be feeling so much pain and I am sorry. It is just plain cruel.

posts: 157   ·   registered: May. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Northwest
id 8670403
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 8:36 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Mino1,

So sorry you're in this too. It looks like you married a sociopath. He knows what he's doing is wrong and yet he won't take the blame for it.
I can't say anything other than advise you to run for the hills now. He won't change from what I can see.

posts: 374   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8670417
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 8:53 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Sorry that you are here. It's a great place to find, but a terrible reason to have found it.

But the enormity of what he is is quite shocking, a serial cheater with no remorse or empathy.

That's the 'beauty' of someone with his character--he can take it or leave it. His wants are waaaaay before you or your children's.

I can say I'm financially independent and have some savings to my name but we have the house together and are in the process of buying a bigger house.

Fantastic that you aren't financially dependent upon him. That takes you out of an even more difficult situation. Do NOT purchase this house. Not at this time.

I'm at a loss for what to do next as he doesn't even seem to realize how much I'm hurting or the enormity of his actions.

The brutal part is that I don't think that you are at a loss--you are simply shell shocked at his emotionless behavior, and his total lack of care for you. You know what you need to do, be are still reeling.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8670426
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 10:30 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Cancel the sale of the new house ASAP. Refuse to sign for the mortgage so maybe you won’t qualify and you can get yiur deposit back.

Start separating your finances. Have a vehicle in your name.

Get a bank account in your name. ASAP too.

Get copies of all financial documents.

See a lawyer to learn how to protect yourself.

He refused to even acknowledge you? Unfortunately you have very little hope of having a spouse who will commit to monogamy. Based on experience— the cheaters who don’t even give you the respect you deserve to acknowledge the affair a d try to come to some resolution — whether D or S or R — are the worst ones to try to stay married to.

I’m so sorry for you. You deserve better than this.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8670450
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 10:33 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I'm all for R when both partners want R and will do the necessary work, but that means the WS needs to want to change. In the absence of the WS's desire to change, I don't see how R is possible.

Your H likes being married and able to cheat.

My reco is to figure out what you want first. If you want D, you can act on your own, If you want R, then look closely at your WS to see if they are a good candidate for R.

Here's something to remember, though: if you're done with your WS, if you don't want to spend the rest of your life with them, you an go for D even if your WS promises everything you've ever wanted and more.

I know you're hurting. My guess is that you're hurting more and more as the impact of your discoveries sink in.

Another reco is to browse the Healing Library - the link is in the yellow box in the upper left of SI pages.

Have faith in yourself to heal. I'm very happy I R'ed; my W very much wanted to change. There are other members how are happy they D'ed. You can survive, thrive, and find joy again whether you D or R.

[This message edited by sisoon at 4:34 PM, June 27th (Sunday)]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 25995   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8670452
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:46 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

Get tested for STD’s

See an attorney this week and FILE

Get a betrayal trauma specialist as an individual counselor.

THE TRACK RECORD FOR RECONCILING WITH SERIAL CHEATERS IS APPROXIMATELY ZERO.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4217   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8670455
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BoundaryBuilder ( New Member #78439) posted at 11:09 PM on Sunday, June 27th, 2021

I've always suspected that my husband was cheating

Sounds like you've been living with suspicion for quite some time? Not being certain of your life partner, doubting them and not fully trusting them can weigh on you and cause long term mental and physical trauma. Sorry you are here and the truth you now know is brutal, but perhaps finally knowing the awful truth can be your first step towards a healthier, happier suspicion free life?

In the meantime, PLEASE take care of yourself. Eat, sleep, hydrate, exercise if you can. Seek out individual counseling with a licensed professional experienced in trauma. If as you say you've "always suspected" maybe there's some long term trauma here?

Married 31 years w/one adult daughter
ME:BW 62
HIM:WH 65
13 month texting EA with high school X who fished him on Facebook 43 years later
PA=15 days spread over final 3 months
DDay=April 21, 2018
Reconciled

posts: 40   ·   registered: Mar. 4th, 2021
id 8670463
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TheEnd ( Member #72213) posted at 8:30 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Your ws had a typical human reaction to extreme stress (i.e. getting busted and seeing his life flash before his eyes): Flight or Fight.

He chose flight. I'm not sure that's indicative of anything else besides the shock and fear he felt in that moment. As hard as it is, don't take it personally meaning his dickish behavior in that moment likely wasn't about you.

The best outcomes I've seen here, whether you D or R, is when a betrayed does two things:

Declines the pick me dance

Gets OUT of infidelity

The last one can mean many things but to me, the bottom line is, you are in a toxic, abusive situation (all infidelity is) and you must extract yourself. Get clear of him so you can take care of you. Imagine if he came home and beat you. What would you do? Do that sans a police report.

Get him out of the house if he will. Get yourself out if a lawyer says it's ok to do so. Failing that, kick him out of your bedroom. stop being his wife. Tell him in no uncertain terms the marriage is over. Most importantly: get yourself support and lots of it.

None of these steps are to manipulate your WS. He's better at that game than you will ever be. They are about getting you to some kind of safe place where you can heal. The first step is to stand up for yourself. Extract him from your life as much as possible. Maybe, just maybe, if he faces some consequences he'll pull his head out of his ass but don't count on that. Take care of you.

[This message edited by TheEnd at 2:32 PM, June 28th (Monday)]

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8670679
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 Mino1 (original poster New Member #79021) posted at 10:14 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

He's still acting like we are just quarreling over a minor issue. I woke up this morning to find his arm around me, I threw it off and went off to sleep in my daughter's room. In the morning I sent him this text:

Even though in your sociopathic and narcissistic mind, you don't realize the magnitude of your actions, let me tell you now that infidelity is a deal breaker for me. So please don't ever touch me again, GO F*** YOURSELF.

12 years of marriage and I'm left feeling like a trainwreck. Hopefully he gets the hint and leaves. I had asked him to leave the very first day I confronted him but he is still in the house. I got in touch with a lawyer today and she said I can't force him to leave except he leaves on his own accord. And to think I used to do all the cooking and taking care of him while another woman (well, in this case other women) service him, it's a bit of a relief not to be doing any of those things for him again.

Seeing him just makes me relive the pain over and over again, and it soo infuriates me that he is choosing to act like it's a forgivable sin. Just praying for this phase to pass over as quickly as possible.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8670697
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 10:43 PM on Monday, June 28th, 2021

Hopefully he gets the hint and leaves. I had asked him to leave the very first day I confronted him but he is still in the house. I got in touch with a lawyer today and she said I can't force him to leave except he leaves on his own accord. And to think I used to do all the cooking and taking care of him while another woman (well, in this case other women) service him, it's a bit of a relief not to be doing any of those things for him again.

Yep. Don't do anything that you will regret but keep making it uncomfortable for him. Stop doing his laundry. Don't cook for him. Act as if he is a roommate. Keep separate beds if possible.

posts: 4957   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8670704
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 1:29 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

Read up on the 180. It’s there to protect yourself.

You start to build a wall around yourself. Stop being his wife. He thinks this will “blow over”. So you are dealing with a cheating spouse who is also a jerk.

You need to start emotionally detaching. You start by making sure you are no longer his wife in any respect. No meals no chit chat no affection. No laundry for him. No errands for him. You start doing things without him — like social events and your own activities and hobbies.

He either comes to the table to talk honestly and openly or he chooses to be disrespectful to you. You then make the choice on how to react and whether you want to remain married to him.

I’m so sorry for you.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10517   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8670848
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2021sf ( New Member #79035) posted at 1:56 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

"He finally came back and I confronted him calmly, this guy walked away without a shred of remorse...He did not bother to even affirm or deny"

Just went through exactly the same thing yesterday.

The coldness of the reaction is shocking. Like transforming into a new person.

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2021
id 8670866
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2021sf ( New Member #79035) posted at 2:01 PM on Tuesday, June 29th, 2021

"Even though in your sociopathic and narcissistic mind, you don't realize the magnitude of your actions, let me tell you now that infidelity is a deal breaker for me. So please don't ever touch me again, GO F*** YOURSELF."

Nice update. I went through it before, it happened again (knew there was no real remorse but was afraid to leave). This is the reaction I wish I'd had. Zero tolerance.

Like you I want the pain to pass quickly. I have no interest in letting someone else hurt me from afar, it's a waste of my time and energy.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Jun. 29th, 2021
id 8670868
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 Mino1 (original poster New Member #79021) posted at 4:58 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

I'm trying to stay sane but going out of my mind. With the way my WS is acting, you would think I was the one who cheated. Prior to confronting him, I had envisaged denial, lying, begging etc but not this... total disregard. I have gone through many posts here but can't seem to find one similar to my situation. Didn't realize I am married to a totally different person, a sociopath with no remorse at all. I am left wondering what his goal is, if he wants me to capitulate and reconcile with no confrontation?

I have read through the 180 and I'm acting that way even though I'm hurting so much inside. But he is ignoring me like I am the one who committed a crime. I wish I had the power to put him out of the house because this is just so crazy. How can he be acting like he did nothing wrong. Even though I am yet to tell anyone, I am almost tempted to share the screenshots of his messages with the women online or to his friends. He is acting totally unrepentant, like I'm the one who should come to him and apologize.

A couple of wins I'm trying to encourage myself with though. Yesterday, I went to our joint account and withdrew half of our savings. So if this ends up in a D, I won't be left scrambling. I also don't do any household chores when I used to do everything for him before...cooking, cleaning, laundry, running errands...now it seems I was doing all that in exchange for his love...smh. It's kind of a relief not to do those anymore, I don't even think I want to go back to even doing that. Seems I was more or less a glorified maid even though we both work and I take care of 50% of the bills.

Any advice on the way forward will be greatly appreciated, I feel so alone as I am yet to discuss this with anyone.

posts: 5   ·   registered: Jun. 27th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8671190
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LostInHisFog ( Member #78503) posted at 5:42 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

Have a look at the grey rock technique for dealing with difficult people, I feel in your situation it might be a step beyond 180.

Unfortunately he will bunker down and expect this to pass, other than self preservation 180/great rock not much will smoke him out of his fox hole until he is served.

If you can set up a safe room in your house, install a deadbolt to this room, decorate it with comfort and sanity in mind. When your wayward gets too much you feel on the brink of screaming go to this room. If there are no rooms can you turn the lounge room or office space into such a space? Otherwise just look for a spot he never shows interest in an create a area for mental time-outs.

I edit because I'm fluent in typo & autocorrect hates me.

posts: 149   ·   registered: Mar. 14th, 2021
id 8671203
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TheEnd ( Member #72213) posted at 5:47 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

It sounds like you're doing great with detaching (the 180).

As hard as it is, try to take your focus off of him. Now is the time for MASSIVE amounts of self care.

Confide in a friend or two or a family member. You need support. Telling my tribe (I didn't for 2.5 years) was an amazing boost. You are reminded how loved and lovable you are.

Consider seeing a therapist to work through your grief.

Spoil the shit out of yourself. Do everything that gives you pleasure, whatever that means for you. Every day, give yourself pleasure. Take a walk, browse a bookstore, light your favorite candle, relax on your porch with a good book, get a massage, pedicure, whatever. It doesn't matter what as long as for 5 minutes or one hour you are loving yourself with these acts of kindness.

Exercise is a mood booster. Try to do 30 minutes a day of some kind of physical activity.

Get out of the house and away from him as much as you can. He can't cold shoulder you into submission if you're not there to see it.

Keep posting.

posts: 53   ·   registered: Dec. 3rd, 2019
id 8671207
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jb3199 ( Member #27673) posted at 5:52 PM on Wednesday, June 30th, 2021

He is acting totally unrepentant

Because he isn't.

It's such a shame; It's like we have been duped for so long. How could we NOT see that this person existed? How cold we have been so 'foolish' as to think that we chose a good partner?

The short answer is that yes--there may have been a few small indicators that our partners were not 'perfect', but the reality is that we never saw this side of the person because there was no reason to see this side of the person. They never showed us until they had no choice but to do so. Your husband was probably a good husband in your mind.....right up until he wasn't. And he was giving you his 'good' side because he was feeding his shitty side without you knowing. EVERYTHING is good in Husband's world until his dark side was exposed. So his mentality is why act repentant, if he isn't?

You weren't part of his 'master plan' for him to live his diabolical life. I am sure that he cares for you and his children very much---the problem is that his definition of 'love' is something that you, I, and most people do not want. You and the children fall wayyyyy secondary to his wants. His dark side is as real as his public side....maybe even more real. Are you able to live with that--the man who loves you this way?

I'm assuming not, so your options are limited. There is NOTHING THAT YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE HIM. If he doesn't want to be this type of person, then he would make changes. From the little that you share, I doubt that he would ever be a good candidate for reconciliation. But I do want to reiterate--you weren't just a front for him. You are probably the best thing in his life, outside of himself(in his mind), and he knows this. He just simply doesn't have the mental wiring to put others in front of himself. Ever.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3818   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8671208
Topic is Sleeping.
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