Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
What now?

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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:59 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

We always think our spouse or their affair is unique. But they're not and the affair wasn't unique.

There wasn't anything special about the OM. He was just good enough (young enough) to make her feel young again.

Your wife's affair (including the thrill she got from the attention) is typical.

That 'thrill' became addictive and sex became the currency she used to buy her 'thrill'.

She brainwashed herself into believing they'd never get caught and you'd never find out/get hurt.

Part of her becoming a safe partner (for you or anyone else) is for her to deal with/manage this addiction.

Experience shows that watching your pain, her tears (even self hate) plus the massive shame does not make her a safe partner. She has a long way to go to make herself safe.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8674718
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masti ( member #54237) posted at 6:21 AM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

How are you holding up Tacit? Have you decided on the path forward yet?

posts: 119   ·   registered: Jul. 19th, 2016
id 8675720
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 Tacit (original poster new member #78985) posted at 3:02 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

How are you holding up Tacit? Have you decided on the path forward yet?

Thank you for checking up on me, masti. I haven't posted any updates for the last few days because not much has happened.

I am still going to therapy and going out running every morning. Sometimes it's hard to keep the images and dark thoughts from overwhelming me, but I am in a much better place now than I was the days after DDay. My wife and I got tested for STIs and everything came back negative, so that's something less to worry about now.

I am still very much on the fence about what I want to do going forward. My wife has started to see a therapist an we are doing the polygraph test tomorrow, so maybe I'll be able to make my decision then.

I've written down a few questions that I want to ask her tomorrow and I want to know what people here think, if there's anything that I'm missing, or if there are any that are irrelevant.

Have you been completely honest with me since I've found out about your affair?

Is the timeline you've written a complete and truthful retelling of events?

Have you had any other affairs in the years we've been married?

Did you delete any emails or messages on your phone and social media between you and your AP that I haven't seen?

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8676092
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 3:16 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

On my WS poly I also asked "did you intentionally leave any information out of the timeline?"

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 807   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8676096
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 3:20 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

That seems like a good list but others here should be able to provide good feedback.

Good luck to you.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8676098
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:29 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I would change

Have you had any other affairs in the years we've been married?

To

Have you had any other affairs since we’ve been a couple.

Make sure terms like affair and couple are clearly defined and agreed to before the exam.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8676099
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 11:58 AM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Hi Tacit,

What happened to your poly results? Any updates?

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677204
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midnightschild99 ( new member #33465) posted at 12:27 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Hi Tacit,

Has your WW told you this:

Who initiated the initial flirtation?

Who initiated the physical affair?

Was your name ever brought up during the affair?

Did your WW do anything with OP that she wouldn't do with you?

posts: 29   ·   registered: Sep. 27th, 2011
id 8677207
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GoldenR ( member #54778) posted at 4:49 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Just got caught up...

There is no difference between a person who has had many partners versus a person who is more conservative.

Sure there is: their views on sex.

posts: 2642   ·   registered: Aug. 22nd, 2016   ·   location: South Texas
id 8677259
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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

First, I hope you are doing better.

As gently as I can say this, I believe your wife on some level understood you well enough that she could do this and that you would eventually stay with her anyway. For her, it was worth the risk. She will NEVER admit this but after being with you for decades she knows that she could get away with it. So brazenly walking through a mall holding hands with this guy? Not really too worried about being caught. She knows she will do her penance, but ultimately keep her family. So long as she keeps you this was a good trade for her. Go on her once in a lifetime adventure and still keep her family. Win, win. Of course she will play the repentant wife but she will always secretly keep and cherish her adventure regardless of what she tells you, and will think about it fondlywhen she's alone or possibly when she is "being" with you. Not even a polygraph will reveal what's deep in her heart.

Does she feel bad that it hurts you and the family? Probably. Hopefully. She'd be a monster if she didn't. But that doesn't mean it was a tradeoff that she wouldn't do again knowing she gets to stay married. So you are cold to her for a year or two...tolerable. You are in a stage of your life and relationship where this doesn't mean as much had this happened when you guys were in your 20s.

posts: 21   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8677262
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 5:37 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

How did the polygraph go?

BW, age 40
Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried to a great guy

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 474   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8677270
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Stevesn ( member #58312) posted at 5:38 PM on Wednesday, July 21st, 2021

Is your wife in therapy with an infidelity specialist yet?

fBBF. Just before proposing, broke it off after her 2nd confirmed PA in 2 yrs. 9 mo later I met the wonderful woman I have spent the next 30 years with.

posts: 3176   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2017
id 8677271
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 Tacit (original poster new member #78985) posted at 2:08 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

I am sorry it took me a while to post an update. There was a family emergency unrelated to everything that has been going on that required my attention.

I picked up my wife from her parents' house on Saturday. We didn't talk much on the ride, but I could tell that she was uncomfortable just by her body language. When we got there and were told to wait for the examiner she asked me if I was sure this was something I wanted to do. I said yes. She was hooked up to the machine for about twenty minutes and answered "no" to every question that I had. I then drove her home and dropped her off at her parents' again. We didn't talk much on the way home either. I was just to tired to revisit what we had already talked about regarding her timeline. She did ask me what I wanted to do. I was honest and told her that I didn't know yet.

The results arrived on Monday. Apparently she was being truthful. I thought that this would help me make a decision, but I'm still at a loss. I still don't know whether to give our marriage a chance, or if I should just go ahead and divorce her. I want our old life, but she hurt me so much.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8677641
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 Tacit (original poster new member #78985) posted at 2:10 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Is your wife in therapy with an infidelity specialist yet?

She is going to therapy. Our daughter went to see her a couple of times and she has gone to see her therapist. I don't know if they specialize in infidelity.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8677642
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 2:15 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Hi Tacit,

Did you make sure that she didn't take any anxiety pills prior to the polygraph test? If she didn't, then at least she's been truthful.

Take your time to process things. You owe it to yourself not her, not for your marriage because she already destroyed it when she decided to have an affair with a young man. You owe everything to yourself now. You don't owe her anything. She owes you a lot since she's given you so much pain.

All the best!

posts: 378   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8677644
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:12 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Unfortunately, there is no going back to your old life. It really didn't exist. Your WW robbed you of your agency to make informed decisions in your life through her deceit.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 645   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8677653
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 4:18 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

She was hooked up to the machine for about twenty minutes and answered "no" to every question that I had.

Can you help clarify, as some of your questions required a 'yes' answer.

Have you been completely honest with me since I've found out about your affair?

Is the timeline you've written a complete and truthful retelling of events?

Have you had any other affairs in the years we've been married?

Did you delete any emails or messages on your phone and social media between you and your AP that I haven't seen?

If she answered 'no' to the first two, then it would be huge Klaxon horns blaring.

Am going to take your current mental and emotional condition into consideration (which wold be chaotic), and assume that you mean she answered 'yes' to the first two questions, and 'no' to the last two questions.

Is that safe to assume?

ETA:

she asked me if I was sure this was something I wanted to do.

Don't let her turn this around on you, and say that you have destroyed her trust in you. A common tactic used by unremorseful/unrepentant WS.

If she does this, it would be advisable to start the D process.

[This message edited by RocketRaccoon at 10:20 PM, July 22nd (Thursday)]

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 890   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8677671
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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 11:55 AM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

The polygraph was a good preliminary step because now you have a basis to believe you know the whole story/her history.

The decision to R or D is 100% yours. There is no right or wrong - only what enables you to live the best version of your life.

You may hear: "if you love her you'd give her a second chance". Nope - you can love her and still D in order to live the best version of your life.

In addition, you can 'forgive' her - and still D.

posts: 2413   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8677757
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 Tacit (original poster new member #78985) posted at 12:11 PM on Friday, July 23rd, 2021

Is that safe to assume?

Yes. I apologize for the mix up. She did indeed answered "yes" to the first two questions.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8677759
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 11:13 AM on Monday, July 26th, 2021

Tacit,

Thanks for the clarification on the answers.

I still don't know whether to give our marriage a chance, or if I should just go ahead and divorce her. I want our old life, but she hurt me so much.

Don't worry too much about this. You have gone through a traumatic event in your life, and to force a decision at this early stage may not be to your long term interests.

Take some time to re-centre yourself. Go to talk to your IC, and get them to help sort out your inner turmoil.

Right now, you have to look after yourself. You need to be selfish and heal yourself, so that you can think clearer, and make sound decisions.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 890   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8678446
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