SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I was, though it was happening less frequently than it used to and looking back on it now, I was always the one initiating it. Sometimes she would turn me down and other times she wouldn't.

Tacit, I hate to say it but I don't believe for a second what your wife is saying. I don't think she felt that she was deprived of a "sexual connection" at home. In fact, I think it is a post rationalization so she can desperately point to some mitigating factor for her affair. Notice too that, even though that "she should have brought it up", she subtly places some responsibility on you for not noticing the decline in your relationship. I don't think there was a decline until she began having her affair.

I think that it makes her feel better to think that her affair was "caused" by an outside influence, her incorrect perception that she was missing something in her marriage.

I can see why. The story she's presented sounds a whole lot better than what I believe is the truth. That being that this had nothing to do with your marriage at all. That she got attention from an attractive young man and decided that her horniness was more important than her marriage vows. Her cheater friends (which is also a giant red flag) cheerleading her along. It sure is convenient timing that right along the time she began feeling disconnected from you was when she started spending all her free time hanging out with her friends. These wouldn't happen to be the same cheater friends, would they?

Based on everything that's she's said such as "it was just sex" and the fact that she was able to instantly drop an AP she was with for almost 6 months (something that seems unlikely if what she says is true given the stories here surrounding limerance), I doubt there was any connection between them at all.

Nobody should tell you whether you should R or D, but if you do decide to R I think your wife needs to be really honest with herself and stop trying to make herself look better.

Did she really say that, while she was conducting her affair and was rejecting your advances, she felt bitter towards you because you didn't notice the frequency of sex decreased?

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 6:06 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

That she got attention from an attractive young man and decided that her horniness was more important than her marriage vows

Funny. Those were almost the exact same words that she used when she described the thought proccess that led her to cheating.

I think I'm doing a poor job of describing the conversation that we had. I have a bad habit of being economic on details when writing things that upset me or that have too many of them. Of course, I can only write about what she told me. She can still be lying of course.

She recognizes that her choice to cheat was hers alone. What she described as a lack of sexual connection was a situation that she herself caused. She was hanging out with friends and spending a lot of time at work.The lack of sex, which she used to justify her affair was caused by her not spending much time at home. She realizes that it was stupid of her to blame me for the decrease in sex when she wasn't spending time with me. Her words, not mine.

Did she really say that, while she was conducting her affair and was rejecting your advances, she felt bitter towards you because you didn't notice the frequency of sex decreased?

No. She said that she felt bitter before the affair.

I’m wondering what she says to you, if anything, about how she imagines you were Feeling when you discover her affair or how it felt for you while she was apart. Can she express to you that she feels the pain that she inflicted upon you.

One of the most delicate and destructive moments of an affair, of infidelity, is the moment the WS decides to give in to the advances of the AP and decides to no longer defend her marriage vows and her spouse who loves her, and chooses to say yes to having sex with the AP.

I’m very curious what she thinks about that moment and also what she thinks it means to her.

That’s the moment that she is someone else’s partner. She is no longer yours above else. Not in a possessive way, but an "us against the world" type of way.

For me, I’d want to communicate to her that at that moment, everyone in the world was more important to her than you were. Ar that point in time she wasn’t hurting anyone else in the whole world but you. And she was giving something to the AP that had been solely reserved for you.

At that moment the AP was number 1 for her, and you were number 4 billion.

That moment is honestly what she needs to make up for. That moment is what she needs to do all the work to rebuild from. It’s the moment of broken trust.

What she described as a lack of sexual connection was a situation that she herself caused.

What I am saying is I don't believe she felt a lack of sexual connection with you at all. I don't think there was anything more to this than lust for another person.

She knew she could sleep with you whenever she wanted. You were initiating. There was nothing lacking.

There was no "situation". She is trying to say that her emotions, which are not objective or falsifiable, are the reasons for her affair. I call bullshit.

She is trying to say that her emotions, which are not objective or falsifiable, are the reasons for her affair. I call bullshit.

Really? What other reason IS there for an affair?

Really? What other reason IS there for an affair?

I'm not being clear.

What I mean is I think that her claim that her emotional state, her feeling that something was lacking, is not the reason for this affair.

I believe she was flirting with the AP and it had nothing to do with frustration. I'm saying that for this affair, I think she is trying to claim that she felt that way because the alternative, that nothing was lacking and she did this because it was fun for her, is worse.

Keep in mind that Tacit has not decided to R yet. I can't help but think that is coloring her words, significantly. Particularly since there is no way to verify if she truly did feel that way.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 6:30 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

I’m wondering what she says to you, if anything, about how she imagines you were Feeling when you discover her affair or how it felt for you while she was apart. Can she express to you that she feels the pain that she inflicted upon you.

She has actually tried to initiate a conversation like that last night. She began by telling me how it broke her heart to see my reaction to her reading the timeline and that whatever pain she felt while we were apart must not have compared to the pain that I must have been feeling.

I shut that conversation down before it went any further. I did not want to talk about what I was feeling. Do you think it would have any value if I let her speak her mind about that?

She knew she could sleep with you whenever she wanted. You were initiating. There was nothing lacking.

Again, I feel like I'm not doing a good job of explaining things. She knows that there was nothing lacking on my end. It is what she used at the time to justify her affair to herself. She knows that her decision to cheat was a her failing alone.

She is trying to say that her emotions, which are not objective or falsifiable, are the reasons for her affair. I call bullshit.

I'm not sure I understand this statement. Why else would she cheat if not for her feelings?

She has actually tried to initiate a conversation like that last night. She began by telling me how it broke her heart to see my reaction to her reading the timeline and that whatever pain she felt while we were apart must not have compared to the pain that I must have been feeling.

I shut that conversation down before it went any further. I did not want to talk about what I was feeling. Do you think it would have any value if I let her speak her mind about that?

Yes. You don't have to talk about your feelings yet. Let her speak and see what happens.

[This message edited by 13YearsR at 6:40 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

I'm not sure I understand this statement. Why else would she cheat if not for her feelings?

See my earlier reply.

Again, I feel like I'm not doing a good job of explaining things. She knows that there was nothing lacking on my end. It is what she used at the time to justify her affair to herself. She knows that her decision to cheat was a her failing alone.

I understand that there was nothing lacking. What I am saying is I do not believe her claim that she felt that way, at the time.

Do you think it is plausible that, in the months leading up to and during the affair (over 6 months at least), you were unable to notice such a gap in your marriage? You were blindsided by this. I have great difficulty believing that she felt bitter and disconnected from you and you didn't notice. In fact, I don't believe it at all.

I would want to know. Her telling you what she things you were feeling at these moments would tell me if I can hear any empathy in her words.

I forget how you discovered the affair. But ask her to describe how she thinks you felt at that very moment. And ask her how that makes her feel.

Same for when you read the details in the timeline.

You don’t have to tell her if she is right or wrong. Just listen. Judge what you hear.

The key to rebuilding is that the WS stands next to you, on your side, and says "I hate the person who hurt you as much or more than you do. I never want to be that person again."

I’d suggest asking her and listening to what she has to say.

Her telling you what she things you were feeling at these moments would tell me if I can hear any empathy in her words

I'd be wary of trusting my gut when dealing with a person who was successfully able to lie to someone they supposedly love for over 5 months, if not longer.

But ask her to describe how she thinks you felt at that very moment. And ask her how that makes her feel.

To what end? So she can say she's really, really, sorry again? so she can answer that he was really hurt by it? Do you think doing this will benefit him? Maybe she should be focusing on why she was so lacking in character that she betrayed her marriage.

This idea that her words, not her actions, are the important part is frankly, harmful.

What AnOminousMan said is very clear and makes sense to me.

For someone to cheat on their spouse, right or wrong, they don't necessarily have to feel like something is missing in the marriage.

What is missing in a marriage naturally may be the presence of a young attractive(?) man, other than her husband, who desires her. She wanted and lived an A with someone who attracted to her and sexually desired her. At this stage, I don't think she convinced herself that sex is lacking in marriage, even to justify this A.

She just wanted and did. It's not that incredible.

Suppose a young girl, more beautiful and sexy than you've ever met in your life, started flirting with you, said she wanted you sexually, and you couldn't stand and slept with her. Would you feel the need to find an excuse to sleep with her other than these? This is something else you won't find in your marriage.

When faced with something like this, you wouldn't look for lacknesses in your marriage to do it, but you'd think about the things you have and risk not to do. And apparently your WW didn't think about that much or she didn't care.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 3:09 PM, August 25th (Wednesday)]

When faced with something like this, you wouldn't look for lacknesses in your marriage to do it, but you'd think about the things you have and risk not to do.

Agreed.

But, after being caught, you might look for any sort of explanation that paints you in a better light if you were desperate for R. You might even lie about what you felt.

I mean, during all that time she felt bitter, frustrated and disconnected, can she provide any communication (text, email, etc.) she sent anyone saying that? Did she tell anyone about it that wouldn't lie to you that you can confirm this, like her mother or sister? Unless she can, I call bullshit.

[This message edited by AnOminousMan at 9:14 PM, Wednesday, August 25th]

I don't think it's a big mystery why she had the affair. She became infatuated with a young, good-looking guy that she spent a lot of time with at work. They flirted and it went from there. Your WW liked the attention, ate up the flirting, and eventually found herself in the affair. Strictly a biological response. She should have guarded against it by never allowing the flirting and not spending any time with the guy. She didn't do that and she went down the slippery slope. A real selfish, dumb thing to do. It would be going on right now if she wasn't caught. Will she do it again? Probably not, but so what. You have to live with this utterly stupid, gross affair. But that is for you to decide. The marriage will never be the same and you will never feel the same about your WW. But, is it worth staying with her? You probably won't know the answer if you do stay for years to come. I have read too many stories where the betrayed spouse regrets staying many years after the wayward spouse's affair. But some claim to have sufficiently healed. I felt dead inside after my ex-wife's affair. Never got any feeling back for her. We divorced six years later after another affair. But, unlike most WW's you read about in these posts, she was a poor risk and I should have divorced her immediately.

I don't think it's a big mystery why she had the affair

Couldn't agree more. The problem is she wants to re-write history, claiming something was missing in the marriage, to try and get Tacit to take some responsibility for the lack of "sexual connection".

I don't believe she is acting in good faith.

It’s quite simple, she cheated because she was flattered, it felt good, was something new and she didn’t think she’d get caught. The fact she risked her marriage, reputation etc for something so insipid says she’s a stupid slut (the perception, I’m not calling her one.) So for self preservation, she’s pretending to have these profound realizations as to the ‘why’ but it’s made up bs. Some waywards do have deep emotional issues that contributed to their decision to cheat. But many times, like this instant one, WW just liked getting her back blown out by a younger buck and she can’t admit that without looking like 🗑.

to try and get Tacit to take some responsibility for the lack of "sexual connection"

Yes, subtle, but the implication is still there. "I had trouble connecting to you, but, that’s my fault" makes Tacit part of the problem while pretending to take ownership.

I have nothing to offer other than I wish you well, Tacit.
Only you can see exactly where you’re at and what you’re dealing with.
I’ll offer no judgment on your true feelings.
I can only extend a safety net of listening to your feelings and that I will.

Wishing you peace going forward 🙂

bump at OP request

How are things?