Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
What now?

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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 2:54 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I apologize if this is just a bunch of rambling and some details are missing. Everything is still very fresh to me and English is not my first language.

I suppose that I should start with some background. My wife and I started dating when we were both 20 in 1994, married when we were 25, had our daughter at 27 and our son at 29. For 27 years she was my best friend, partner and soulmate. Our children are away in college.

My in laws practically became a second family to me. My brother and sister in law often treated me as if I was the "fourth" sibling and their parents acted the same. I often joked that I should have been the one changing my last name.

Two weeks ago was when I had the rug swept from under me. My sister in law called me to ask if my wife was home and if she could come over with her brother. They told me something that I never thought I'd hear. For the past five months my wife has been having an affair with a coworker. They had found out the previous week and given her an ultimatum, either she'd tell me, or they would. What I heard made me want to die. My wife and her AP had been meeting in secret almost every Wednesday at his house. Wednesday is the day when I meet with my therapist that I have been seeing since I was a teenager.

I didn't want to believe it. I thought that there must have been some misunderstanding. I didn't pick up on any signs that my wife could have possibly been cheating (this word doesn't feel like enough) on me. But my siblings in law insisted that they were telling me the truth, that they wouldn't say something like that about their sister if they weren't certain. I cried. I don't think I've ever cried in front of them before.

They were still there when my wife came home from work. As soon as she saw her brother and sister she started to cry. I didn't even have to say anything before she tried to explain herself, how she was sorry for everything. I didn't want to hear it. I told her to pack a bag and to get out of my house.I haven't seen her since that day, though my SIL often comes to check up on me. Our children still don't know anything. I still haven't gone to my therapist. I only leave the house to go to work. I haven't had a propper meal or a good night's rest in two weeks. I spend most of my day drinking and crying.

What do I do? Do I ask for a divorce? Do I try to save my marriage? Do I reach out to my wife?

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8668862
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

If she has not tried to contact you then assume she means to stay gone.

I am so sorry about this. Please don’t ruin your health. Get proper nutrition, plenty of sleep. Contact a dr to give you something to help you sleep. Stay hydrated. Don’t drink!

Your children must know something is awry. What have they said or asked?

You will get lots of folks here who have walked in your shoes. Depend on their wisdom.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8668878
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 3:41 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I am so sorry you are here. Knock it off with the drinking, that is going to make your problems worse & keep you feeling awful.

Also find sources of support in your life that aren't your wife's relatives. I know they are your family but they are HER family. I am not saying cut them out, but don't let them be the only people that know what is going on and your only source of support.

It is great you are already in therapy. If you don't feel like your therapist is equipped for this, definitely find someone that can help you with betrayal trauma.

Other people will know more than me on next steps as I am still in the mess myself.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8668879
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Chaos ( Member #61031) posted at 3:42 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I'm sorry you are here. You sure do have a bad ass BIL/SIL.

What you do:

Get tested for STDs

Contact an attorney and know your rights/options

Call your therapist - you sure need it now

Eat/Drink - I get you don't feel like it - do it anyway

STOP day drinking

Rest - sleep may or may not come but rest is essential

Document everything you can [you may need it later and it will allow you to purge your brain while still having the information]

In relation to your wife - right now IMHO I can only tell you what NOT to do.

Don't beg

Don't plead

Don't do the pick me dance

Don't take any of her lame ass excuses [if she reaches out]

Don't make any permeant decisions without doing all the above

You take all the time you need to figure it all out. But you need to take care of you right now.

Gently - we are probably around the same age. We have kids around the same age. We have been together around as long. I get it. It sucks. I'm sorry.

Your BIL and SIL are amazing humans.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decadesChildren (1 still at home)Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBSBrandishing a sword, channeling my inner Inigo Montoya and saying "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3267   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8668880
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asc1226 ( Member #75363) posted at 4:08 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Tacit,

I’m sorry you had to find this place. Step 1: Stop Drinking! Start taking care of yourself, eat healthy drink water and exercise.

Call your therapist and schedule an emergency session. Do it over the phone or zoom if that’s quickest. Schedule an appointment with your doctor and tell them what you’re going through. They’ve heard it all before and can prescribe sleep aids or anti anxiety/depression meds if needed.

Then schedule an appointment with a divorce lawyer or three. Not saying you should divorce or even file but knowledge is power and will remove fear if this step becomes necessary.

You don’t have to decide you want to divorce or reconcile right now. Take a month or three or six if you need it. Right now the path for both is the same.

If you decide on reconciliation (R) your wayward wife (WW) will have to meet some basic requirements.

The affair ends now. No contact with her affair partner (AP). She writes a no contact text and sends it in front of you.That means she quits her job.

No more lies. She has to write out a timeline of her affair which will also include any inappropriate behavior since you’ve been a couple. Inform her it will be verified by polygraph.

She has to be fully transparent with all of her electronics and social media. No deleting, recovery software will be used if she’s already deleted texts/messages. You have all passwords and can check her phone/computer at any time with no complaints from her.

That’s a start, others will be by shortly with more.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 370   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8668888
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 4:09 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I want to thank anyone that read this post and took the time to reply. It is still hurts more than anything I've ever felt, but it helps to know that there are people here who went through the same thing. I know that I shouldn't be drinking, but sometimes it feels like it's the only way to numb the pain.

Cooley2here My wife texts and calls me almost every day at the same time, but I have yet to pick up my phone to listen or read what she has to say. I'm not sure if I'm ready to hear her side of the story. She is currently staying at her parents' house and, according to my SIL, they are watching her every move.

Our children live in another state. I haven't heard from them since before I found out about the affair and apparently my wife hasn't reached out to them either.

stubbornft I have called my family and told them what has happened. My brother is coming to stay with me for a couple of days. I'm also going to see my therapist tomorrow.

Chaos I'll definitely do all of that. It still feels so surreal. I never thought I'd have to contact an attorney, or that I'd have to worry about STDs from my wife.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8668889
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 4:15 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

asc1226 Thank you for taking the time to read and replying. I'll keep all of that in mind going forward. I just feel so conflicted. Part of me wants to try and reconcile, but I'm not sure if my wife is even the same person I married anymore.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8668891
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stubbornft ( Member #49614) posted at 4:20 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I know that I shouldn't be drinking, but sometimes it feels like it's the only way to numb the pain.

Hydrate and work out! It really is going to help you. The drinking is going to keep you feeling crappy. Make a goal to get your 8+ glasses of water each day. Focus on eating healthy foods and eat even if you don't feel like it.

Running saves my sanity. Go to the gym if you can. If not, do some YouTube videos with weights.

Try to exhaust yourself physically in some way, works better than sleeping pills for me!

You are going to be ok. Keep posting here, the people here have so much knowledge. Take care of YOU.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 804   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8668894
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:42 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Drinking will destroy you. I promised you she’s not worth it.

Inform the other mans wife if he’s married. Do not skip this important first step!

Get strong and stay there.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668899
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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 4:44 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

What do I do?

Short term (next month): stop drinking. Focus on eating and sleeping. Get as much exercise as you possibly can.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8668900
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:45 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Take some time that you need to figure out what you want.

Do not jump into marriage counseling. Your wife is the one broken not the marriage.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8668901
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Shockedmom ( Member #44708) posted at 5:29 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I’m sorry you are here. You have been given good advice, please use it.

Watch your bank accounts for any withdrawals or transfers.

STD testing as soon as possible. We all know how awful it is but you must go. You may want to discuss sleeping aids.

Protein shakes help when food is so unappealing during trauma. Keep up with hydration.

Exercise may help you sleep as well. Use a loud playlist to offset an unquiet mind and mind movies. Start a routine that helps you focus on your health.

Go back to your therapist and start talking. The tears will come and it's ok. This is terrible. You have been abused by your wife’s infidelity.

Let your family and friends help you through this. You are blessed to have people who love you enough to inform you and watch over you.

posts: 1059   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2014   ·   location: Hawaii
id 8668910
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Heartinpain ( Member #69161) posted at 5:41 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Tacit,

I am so sorry you are here. I know your pain, I was in your place two years ago. Please take care of yourself and know that you don’t have to make any decisions right away. Make yourself the number one priority. The drinking will do nothing but perpetuate the bad feelings! Know that the people on this site know what they are talking about! I unfortunately ignored much of their advice, and only set myself up for more hurt. And they were ultimately right! You will survive this, regardless of the outcome. Hugs to you!

BW, 43
Dday #1- Nov. 2018, Dday # 2- Jan. 2019, Dday #3, April 2019, Divorce final -June 2020
3 children- 17, 13, 10
It’s time to move on...

posts: 134   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2018
id 8668913
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:07 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

IMO, the quickest way through the anger, grief, fear, and shame that come with being betrayed is to feel it, not to avoid it.

My reco is to read your W's texts to get an understanding of where she is emotionally.

Maybe she's telling you she's filing for D. If so, you don't have to think about what you want to do - you'll know you need to find a good D lawyer fast.

Maybe she's telling you she wants to stay together. If so, then you'll know you have to figure out what you want.

My reco is to stop trying to suppress the truth. Your W had an A. That's the truth.

Start focusing on your healing. Your W failed. You didn't. You can survive and thrive despite the terrible pain you are trying to hide.

Here's some reading that I recommend:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8668916
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 7:18 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I'm sorry this mess happened to you. Understand that her decision to cheat is 100% on her. Her adultery is 100% her failure as a wife and a role model for your kids.

People experience all sorts of personal and marital problems as well as dissapointments in life, but they don't decide to cheat. Whatever she needed she had other options but she chose adultery.

Also understand that a spouse of 27 years can not compete with the high/thrill/validation your wife gets from a new man. And no spouse should have to.

For example, you can compliment your wife but it pales in comparison to the thrill his compliment gives her. He's like a shiny new sports car and you're the old family van.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668934
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 7:22 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

You're not the first to walk this path, nor the last. Feel free to share, vent, or ask for advice.

You are not alone.

Finally, see your doctor today for help sleeping and dealing with anxiety. You can't navigate out of this mess without sleep and rational thinking.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8668936
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The1stWife ( Member #58832) posted at 7:30 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

I’m so sorry for you. Please know that her cheating was HER CHOICE. There was nothing so terrible in her life or marriage that she needed to cheat.

Your BIL + SIL are very courageous and stand up people.

The only thing you will hear from your W are excuses. Justifications as to why she cheated. Possible finger pointing or avoidance of her guilt and behavior.

Don’t allow her to put that on you. Should she start anything resembling deflection - stop her in mid sentence and tell her that she cannot use that as a reason to cheat.

She didn’t cheat because you worked too much or too little, or you were too heavy or too thin or too old or too hipster. She didn’t cheat because you forgot to bring home groceries or didn’t earn enough $.

Understand —- she cheated b/c she wanted to.

Knowing that can help save your sanity.

I was in terrible shape the first 90 days after Dday. I couldn’t eat, no sleep, kids at home and my H was walking out the door 10 days after Dday. I had no $ in my name and a house I couldn’t t afford on my own. I shook 24/7 for 90 days. I lost weight I couldn’t afford to lose. I was a mess.

But every day I showed up. I stood up. I had to be there for my kids. For my job I desperately needed. I cried in private but I survived it. I had no other options. No family nearby or anything like that. I was on my own. And I had to pick myself up off the floor and carry on.

You can do it. And you will.

Once the anger phase kicks in - let us know. Because then you will see how strong you really are.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10532   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8668940
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keptmyword ( Member #35526) posted at 7:44 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

…my wife could have possibly been cheating (this word doesn't feel like enough)

That word “cheating” is certainly not enough.

It’s annoying to hear it used so often - especially here.

It’s not “cheating”.

Cheating is looking at someone else’s work for answers during a math test or having some one else write a report for you.

Adultery/infidelity is betrayal.

It is the deepest and most profound betrayal in humanity because it destroys families, marriages, and traumatizes children.

The term “cheating” makes it seem like a trivial or annoying thing.

You have received some good advice so far.

Take all the time you need from what you used to know as your wife.

This is now ALL about what YOU need to do to get yourself away from her world of infidelity and lies.

There is a truth here that you must know and burn into your heart, mind, and soul.

Her betrayal and all the lies have NOTHING to do with you or your marriage.

Adultery/infidelity is NOT the result of a marital problem - it is the result of a PERSONAL failure of the adulterer.

There was nothing you could have said or done to “prevent” her from doing this.

Her reasons for her infidelity exist solely within her mind and those reasons were there long, long before you ever met her.

It has nothing to do with you.

Filed for and proceeded with divorce.

posts: 1134   ·   registered: May. 4th, 2012
id 8668945
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MyShovel ( New Member #74975) posted at 8:26 PM on Tuesday, June 22nd, 2021

Welcome to the world's worst club, Tacit. Sorry you are here, but you came to the right place. Some thoughts:

1. Stick around. This is the most important thing you can do. The collective experience here dwarfs anything a busload of counselors could assemble. Sounds like you've got a decent therapist, but he/she may have very little experience with infidelity trauma.

2. Read as much of the content here as you can. You'll find you are not alone, that your story is not terribly unique and many have been exactly where you are now. You'll also see real-world examples of what works, what doesn't and what a remorseful partner actually looks like.

3. Be prepared to get hit in the face with some virtual 2x4s when other members feel you are headed in the wrong direction. That sort of thing stings, but keep an open mind and be honest with yourself. More often than not, you'll eventually conclude those members were right. It's not done to hurt you, but rather to wake you up and get you strong.

4. The shock and grief you are feeling will give way to anger. You may be shocked at just how angry you will become. That's OK. You have every right to be. Your WW has not only detonated a nearly 3 decade relationship - the fallout will affect your children, both of your extended families, and her career. What stupid, selfish, cruel thing to do.

5. None of this was your fault. Were you a perfect husband? Nope. Were there problems in your relationship? Of course. The same is true for everyone. Your wife could have come to you with issues and you could have addressed them together or decided to go your separate ways. The blame for the situation you are now in belongs to your WW. If/when she starts spewing blame-shifting BS, get strong and shut that garbage down hard.

posts: 36   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: New York
id 8668957
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 Tacit (original poster New Member #78985) posted at 12:11 PM on Wednesday, June 23rd, 2021

I want to once again thank everyone who took their time to read my post and provide their insight. I thought I'd post a litte update on where I am this morning.

My brother arrived last night. I told my family what happened the morning after I found out. It took him some time to be able to get off work, but now he's going to spend a few days with me. My parents are heartbroken.

I did what sisoon suggested and read through the texts that my wife has been sending me since DDay. They are all her proclaiming her love for me, saying how sorry she is for what she's done, begging me to take her back. I'm still not sure what to make of all of it. If she really does mean all of that, why did she go and betray me the way she did?

My children still don't know. But they are both done with college for this semester and should be home in a few days. I'm still not sure of how I should break the news to them. This sucks.

I have an appointment with my therapist today and I am going to schedule a doctor's appointment and talk to a divorce lawyer. I'm not sure that a divorce is what I want, but I guess it doesn't hurt to have that covered for the future.

Again, thank you for taking your time to read this and share your valueable insight with me.

posts: 43   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: São Paulo, Brazil
id 8669082
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