Newest Member: girlangry89

Just Found Out :
My wife is having an affair.

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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 10:40 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Hi everyone i'm back again and i hate it. So this is my third topic. And i need your help again.

So to summarized it my wife is having an affair and it's been 1 year and 3 mos. Already we have two kids 3 and 7 and we are still living together.

Well to be honest i gave up on her i gave up for reconciliation. And I'm focusing my two kids right now. I've been doing great me and my kids yeah but this past few weeks she have gotten worst she comes home late and sometimes she's not even going home it's fine with me I don't even care about that but the thing is it's affecting my job she's like going home late and sometimes I'm going to work late. Sometimes she come home early but when the kids fell asleep she's going out. That's the big problem again because sometimes my youngest son working up late at night and finding his mother the other day my son is searching for his mom and crying so I texted her that she needs to go home because my son is crying and her reply is I'm going home later well just grab some food. It's funny because even though my son is crying she ignored it. I hate this I'm so tired. And I don't know what to do anymore. Do I need to endure all of this for the kids? Please I need all of your advice.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667391
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 10:48 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

My advice for you, if you are not wanting to try for R, is to file for D. You do not have to 'endure' a marriage where your wife is actively cheating on you for anyone and in fact staying in that kind of a situation is actively harmful to your mental and emotional health.

Divorce is hard and it sucks, but it sucks infinitely worse living with a person who is cheating on you IMHO.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3141   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8667394
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 10:51 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Yes, you are on your own. A really messed up woman walks on her kids and her stupid selfishness and boyfriends are more important to her than her own family. That's where you are.

I know about this. I was one of the kids when my mother went this route. The night came when this whoring girl friend of hers came and waited for her to pack her things and she left. They became roommates who were partying and whoring with whoever. No warning, nothing, just out of the blue packed a bag and was gone. She had been whoring for a while and was always drunk and fighting with my father.

You have one option: file D, do it right, do it now, and yes, it's on you to take care of those children. Those children need you so much more than you can know. My father did all this (it started in the late 1950's). A year later he was out of work for two years. Loads of fun.

I'll never forget what our father did for us. I learned from him what a father does when he is called on to do it. Anyone who doesn't put their own children first have failed in life and there is no way to make that up. Walk offs are complete trash.

[This message edited by rugswept at 4:52 PM, June 14th (Monday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8667395
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 11:10 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

I’m going to be blunt. Write every single thing down, the number of times you call her, the number of times she is supposed to be home and the number of times she’s late. Write down everything and then give it to your attorney because you need to go for legal custody of your children. You need to be the primary custody holder. This is the most important time of life for your children. Get this fixed asap.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8667400
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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 11:23 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Can i file D even though were still living together?

So if i did that what will be the difference?

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667405
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EllieKMAS ( Member #68900) posted at 11:26 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

You can file for D anytime. Have you thought about consulting an attorney? A lot of them will offer 0.5-1 hour consultations for free. It would probably benefit you to talk to one or a few and get an idea of the process in your area. That could help you to get a better idea of your next steps too.

"No, it's you mothafucka, here's a list of reasons why." – Iliza Schlesinger

"Being weird is just a side effect of being awesome."– Unknown

posts: 3141   ·   registered: Nov. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: CO
id 8667407
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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 11:59 PM on Monday, June 14th, 2021

Ellie not yet but yeah i might aswell try it. Do you guys think i have a chance to get my kids away from her? Because i tried arguing with her about that. And i even told her that why not just leave the house and live with your boyfriend and she doesnt want too. I dunno i just want to get away with her with my kids. She's so toxic. When she get home she always rant. And when my kids want to have fun with her like watching a movie she just say that shes tired and she just want to get the kids go to sleep early so she can go out again.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667411
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Write all that down. Day and time. Write verbatim what she says. Contact a lawyer.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2907   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8667412
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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 12:29 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Yes i have it all on my cellphone. Most of it that shes just neglecting about the kids.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667417
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 12:30 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

The very first step is to talk to an attorney about how divorce would impact you financially and with custody of the kids.

The first hour is often free.

Bring a pad and take notes.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8667418
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scaredwoman ( Member #78680) posted at 12:31 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

I didn't read the other responses so I'm sorry if this was answered already.

Do you have the means to divorce and not be living together?

Do I need to endure all of this for the kids?

You are not helping your kids at all by being in this marriage; the behaviors they see are what they will learn is ok. And none of it is. I'm sorry.

posts: 154   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8667419
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 12:43 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

File for D and have her served without warning, you will be in the fight of your life, contact a good D attorney ASAP and file, prepare for battle, your WW is the enemy and your children will be in the crossfire. File now and end this farce of a M.

posts: 2412   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8667423
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 12:56 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

You need to document every time she is neglecting her children out late at night. Make a log and keep track.

Find a reason to text her so that she must reply back to you (like when your son was crying and looking for her) and then document that with a screen shot so there’s a time stamp.

If you access to location services, screen shot this when she’s out late at night.

Do this diligently and talk to an attorney about building a case for primary or sole custody of the children and make her pay you child support.

Also start carrying a VAR in your pocket so you have a documented recording of all conversations with her (recording an in person convo in which you are a participant is legal in most states but check).

[This message edited by Thumos at 6:57 PM, June 14th (Monday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8667424
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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 1:09 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Thank you for all of the advice you gave me i,ll contact some attorney and i'll report back to all of you guys. Thank you again.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667430
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fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 1:28 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Justinnn:

In your first posts in May 2020 you mentioned that your WW wanted to have you deported. How can she have you deported? Sounds like you are in Toronto. Is there an issue with your citizenship status if you get divorced?

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 2795   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8667432
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 Justinnn (original poster New Member #74279) posted at 11:25 AM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

No issue at all and i didnt do anything wrong. Shes just threatining me about that. But shes the one who sponsored me here.

posts: 35   ·   registered: Apr. 22nd, 2020
id 8667464
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Catwoman ( Member #1330) posted at 12:57 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

I agree with the following:

Document, particularly if she is leaving the children ALONE at night. Set up an excel sheet and date and describe each instance. Detail what you do in terms of parenting (i.e. laundry, homework, meals, etc.) and what she does.

Don't just contact any attorney--get a good one. You're going to want to go for primary custody given her behaviors. Look, I'm usually for parents having fairly equal parenting time, but she's not a candidate for this right now. Once she stops thinking with her hoo-ha, perhaps you can reconsider. But not now. PM me if you want advice on finding a good attorney.

Depending on what the attorney says, please file and file for exclusive use of the marital residence. This means she would have to go and get a place to live. Set up a parenting plan and document every time she doesn't exercise her parenting time.

If your work has an EAP, take advantage of it. You need IC and your children might benefit from counseling if they seem to be having a rough time.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32938   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8667468
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RealityBlows ( Member #41108) posted at 6:48 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

You have a great abandonment case here. Document everything. Reach deep down into your paternal instincts, hero up, and save your children. They are at grave risk. Take action now. Time is of the essence. Once you

begin to take action, hope will follow and, only then, will you begin to feel in control again. A lawyer will do most the work and pave the way.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 12:49 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

posts: 647   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8667559
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 7:14 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Setting up an indoor security camera in the living room or elsewhere may capture more evidence as well as provide security for your family.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8667570
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Buffer ( Member #71664) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, June 15th, 2021

Document everything she says and is doing.

At the moment you are enabling her actions and from Now on you stop 🛑.

Start separating accounts and transfer half of all joint monies into a account you control only, this includes bill and cheque accounts. Lawyer advice ASAP. Get tested for STDs and STIs.

Exspose her ways to all and carry a VAR on you from now on. She will blame you for everything but she is abandoning her primary responsibilities and that are her children. They are the innocent ones who she is deliberately hurting.

She is just another selfish cheater.

Hard 180 from now on. You can D and still co habitat in the one abode. But eventually she will have to go to be with her POS.

One day at a time.

[This message edited by Buffer at 2:58 PM, June 15th (Tuesday)]

Buffer

posts: 1191   ·   registered: Sep. 24th, 2019   ·   location: Australia
id 8667612
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