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Separated and hating it

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guvensiz posted 5/12/2021 20:23 PM

The ongoing contact also caught my attention. Probably the A is still ongoing, or it may have lasted much longer than she said.
I also had a question in my mind why the man who informed you about this told 2 years after the A ended. This raises doubts that the A is continuing. Did that man provide any information on whether it is continuing or ended?
Another point that makes me think that the A may still be continuing is that your WW doesn't show much resistance to divorce. Someone who ended her A of her own free will before getting caught and decided to be a good wife 2 years ago should have shown a stronger desire for R.
Anyway, these issues don't really matter in terms of the path you set.

a1234567 posted 5/12/2021 22:12 PM

@phmh Your post on my other thread was very relatable for me, the way you described your own split felt much like mine. It makes me very hopeful to hear how happy you are now. I will get there eventually, I think. Thank you for sharing.

@guvensiz I completely understand your concern and I have my own doubts about WWís timeline. I do believe that the affair (at least physically) ended during covid simply due to logistics. And I noticed that once she was not able to go be around that group of people our marriage got a lot better, she was a lot more invested in my life and happiness than when I know the affair was going on. I suspect these two things are not unrelated. It certainly felt like she was interested in being my wife again.

Edit: Forgot to say, re: the stranger, he actually did specify that what he saw, he saw before the pandemic. For whatever thatís worth.

Regarding her going along with the D, itís certainly possible that the affair was ongoing, but from my conversations with her friends and her sister that is not my read. My read is that, whatever her behavior before, seeing the affair through my eyes has made her truly remorseful and she feels she owes it to me to not make this any harder than it needs to be. I could be totally naive ó I have fallen for her lies before. But that is what I believe at this point. And it ultimately doesnít really matter since Iím leaving, so Iím choosing not to do any detective work to see if Iím right. Itís frankly a huge relief to be able to just not care whether I truly have the whole story. Thatís all her problem now

[This message edited by a1234567 at 10:14 PM, May 12th (Wednesday)]

Papercoversrock posted 5/13/2021 02:13 AM

Sending you a Bro-hug.

Re: ďCodependentĒ

Of course married people are codependent, thatís the whole point. Why get married if youíre going to maintain emotional independence, self-sufficiently, and remain stoically separate?

Out of two, comes one.

Itís going to suck thinking ďHey, thatís really cool, I should tell my wife about that! . . . Oh . . . wait . . .

Weíre right there with you.

ďThis too shall passĒ

Wishing you a speedy voyage out the other side.

a1234567 posted 5/13/2021 16:12 PM

@Papercoversrock, thank you!

I of course have things that happen I want to tell WW about and realize I shouldn't. Something I haven't mentioned so far is we had two dogs, and we've decided to take one each. Stuff with the dog I have is tough. He's kind of an asshole but in a very cute way. It's hard not to share his antics. For the most part though, even when I have those moments, it has not brought me down in the last few days the way it had before. It's still sad but I feel a bit more resigned to it.

Honestly, the little thing that makes me the saddest is we moved into a new house less than a year ago, and the house had a bunch of raised garden beds in the back. WW planted a whole beautiful garden back there and had been tending it really well. My SIL has been living with us for the last year (there's a small second house on our property), and she's doing a pretty good job of keeping the plants alive right now while WW is staying elsewhere. But she's most likely going to move out in the next few months and I will try to keep the garden alive, but I simply can't put that kind of time in that WW was doing. I don't have a green thumb. It's going to all fall apart like some kind of horrible metaphor for our marriage unless I commit to spending an unreasonable amount of my free time on it. I look out at this lush tranquil garden outside my bedroom window and see gloom.

That said, I have felt more happy over the last couple of days than I have since DDay. IDK how long it will last but I'm trying to be grateful for the break from the relentless and intense emotions. I expect the roller coaster will tip back the other direction soon enough.

a1234567 posted 5/14/2021 23:21 PM

So I talked to my therapist for the second time today, and she asked me whether I had talked to WW about why she cheated. I told her WW has her own therapist, and she has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety. WW says she was always drunk when she was with OM, and her therapist thinks this was some kind of self medicating. IDK. I shared this with my therapist, and she referred to that as a ďlegitimate reasonĒ to cheat. I challenged her on this, pointing out that many people who suffer from depression and anxiety manage not to cheat on their spouses. Iím not sure if she was just trying to mirror back what I was saying or if thatís what she thinks... I havenít done therapy in years so I donít really know how to evaluate a therapist. Do people here think thatís something I should be concerned about? Iím thinking I may bring it up again next time I see her.

One positive thing I can say about her referring to it as a legitimate reason to have an affair is that it got me back in touch with my anger. As far as stages of grief go, Iíve always struggled to fully feel and process my anger, and Iíve been worried about that. Well I felt my anger today. Not just at the therapist, but having her use that legitimizing frame brought forward a lot of my anger at WW too. This was not enjoyable but I think itís very healthy and helpful. I had been feeling too much grief and compassion and it was making moving forward more painful. Not so today!

BobPar posted 5/15/2021 00:17 AM

Dear God, get a new IC. Look for one that specializes in trauma.

Everything you have mentioned in this thread sounds about right.

The comment about it taking so long.... is SO true. You will get stronger but it sucks royally.

Work out, run, vent on SI, journal, IC, connect with friends and family. It takes 2 to 5 years to heal they say. But there are aspects that seem longer.

Look, co-D or not (and grieving shares a lot of co-D attributes) it is good to read Melanie Beattie to realign with nurturing yourself and focusing on what you need during this crazy time. You may be surprised.

Lonely... oh yeah big time. Connect with family, friends, a new hobby.

Expect your feelings to roll like waves. The fridge... you won't starve and will figure out a new normal and it will be yours.

It is a hard process but you will be OK. You will.

src9043 posted 5/15/2021 01:20 AM

Your therapist is an idiot. Find a therapist versed in infidelity who can work with you to move on with your life. You don't need an apologist therapist who doesn't have a clue what he or she is talking about.

Marz posted 5/18/2021 13:49 PM

There is no legitimate reason to cheat. Just bullshit excuses.

a1234567 posted 5/19/2021 23:25 PM

Thanks all, Iím looking for a new IC. Appreciate the validation here.

I just got back from a short trip to visit family and friends in my hometown. I felt good nearly the whole time. Like myself. But WW and I agreed she should use that time to get her things from our house. Coming home tonight to most of her things gone was not a lot of fun. I knew it was coming, but something about seeing the empty closet, the bare walls where her art used to hang is still really rough. She even left the engagement ring. Itís something we agreed to, as the diamond was originally my grandmotherís. Iím grateful to have it back but I donít know what to do with it.. I guess itíll live in a box somewhere. Looking at it sitting on my bedside table makes me think of our engagement and all the hope I had for our future together then. Iím just sick of how much everything about this experience makes me feel like a fool. Iím guessing no one has any leads on that fast forward button?

RocketRaccoon posted 5/20/2021 00:12 AM

Oft used Persian adage:

"This too shall pass."


Marz posted 5/20/2021 00:50 AM

Change is always hard. Even if you know itís the best path for you.

One foot in front of the other until you get there.

Jorge posted 5/20/2021 01:48 AM

Iím grateful to have it back but I donít know what to do with it.

Safety deposit box until you ask for the hand of a worthy significant. If possible I'd also get in writing the ring returns to you if for some reason a future engagement is broken off.

Women have the option of not returning engagement rings. Considering the history of the diamond, I'd take special measures to protect your grandmother's legacy.

Dude67 posted 5/20/2021 06:24 AM

I think you handled all of this very well., You followed your gut.

Based upon your postings, besides the fact that you had a dysfunctional sexual relationship, I get the sense that there was more. You mentioned that your WW suffered from anxiety and depression, and that youíve been supporting her emotionally and financially. She is in her early 30ís and doesnít hold a job? Why? It sounds like your arrangement was that she cooked, cleaned, and took care of the household while you worked. That is a typical setup when a couple has children, but not in your case. What did she do all day?

It just sounds to me like she has her issues, didnít work, you supported her not working, and she had a pretty easy life. She had such an easy life that she was bored, with time on her hands to go to the bar, and the AP was a nice fun distraction. A typical cake eating affair. Your WW never intended to leave the marriage because you were safe, reliable, and provided her with a comfortable lifestyle.

I agree with you that youíre fortunate you discovered this relatively early in the marriage, and you were able to get out relatively cleanly.

a1234567 posted 5/20/2021 10:16 AM

@mars and @rocketracoon you guys are right. Just got to get through this slog. Much as I was not feeling good when I wrote my post last night, the depth of unhappiness I feel at each step seems to be lessening. I will get to the other side of this thing.

@jorge, this is not a bad idea. I don't really want to touch or interact with the ring, and a safety deposit box is probably something I should get anyway.

@dude67, thanks for the vote of confidence in my handling of this situation. The facts are slightly different though. I was only fully supporting WW for the previous 6 months or so. This was actually the happiest part of our marriage. I had encouraged her to quit her job because they were not taking covid seriously and I didn't want her to endanger us or our families with a job that was not bringing in that much income. I expected her to look harder for a new job than she did, but I found I really enjoyed having the house looking so good and having most of the chores taken care of for me, so when she didn't show much initiative in looking for another job, I didn't push the issue. We were talking about having kids. sad

Before that I made most of our money but she worked full time. Her job was actually an essential part of the cover for her affair. She worked in events (think weddings, galas, etc.) and it was normal for those events to run to 11 or 12 at night. She would go out for a drink after work to unwind, which is how the affair happened. It was too late for me to join her at the bar, and I didn't begrudge her wanting to wind down after a long day. So it took me a long time to become suspicious of why she was coming home SO late. I did eventually become suspicious, and I asked her at the time if there was someone else. But of course she looked me in the eyes and lied to me.

It's in the past now, but I am quite confident that the time she was not working is actually when she was most faithful to me. She poured herself into our home and never stayed out late. I basically knew where she was all the time. Except of course, that occasionally she would go that fucking bar for a drink by herself in the afternoon. That's a big part of why I'm not totally fooled into thinking she had turned a new leaf. I don't think she was sleeping with the guy anymore. Just going to enjoy some ego kibbles and soak in her little private secret. And of course, I think she, consciously or not, was keeping her options open to restart the affair if she decided she wanted that.

I'm not really sure what the point of that long explanation is, other than to say, I don't think it was stay-at-home wife boredom that led to the affair.

scaredwoman posted 5/20/2021 11:24 AM

You are missing what you thought you had and what you had hoped for the future. That's ok.

a1234567 posted 5/20/2021 11:25 AM

Just an update: Talked to my lawyer just now, divorce petition is going in today! I'll be extricated from the legal part of this mess in 60 days. Start the clock grin

Hutch posted 5/20/2021 12:52 PM

@1234567

I'm sure today is filled with various emotions. For me, there was something almost calming about filing. Where I thought it would be emotional, it was a calming relief because I knew it was a step towards a new life. I know that scenario is not the same for everyone though.

As for your ring. My sister had a diamond that was given to her as well. Her marriage ended with her now ex-husband leaving their family. Years later she eventually re-married and with that diamond, had a new ring designed. The diamond was the heirloom so it made sense. One day when you are healed and have moved on, this may be something you can do as well. In the mean time, keeping it in a safety deposit box or a safe is a great idea.

I know this sounds so cliche and not helpful but hang in there, be kind to yourself, and rely on family and friends for support. Wishing you strength and healing.

Chili posted 5/20/2021 13:03 PM

Counting down for you a1234!

Good on you.

I just read through your posts about the IC, ring, garden, thinking back to your "narrative" of the marriage. As painful as all this stuff is, I actually think it shows you're doing the real work of healing from this shit.

As justified as we are in divorcing. As much as our guts know we have to be done. It is still a loss.

For me - it will remain a loss of sorts all these years later. The idea of lost dreams and futures and building something together. Lost time. And for what? I have come to my own personal answers for that and you will too. Taking that journey myself has actually been extremely valuable for who Chili is today. I suspect it will be that way for you too before too long.

What always propelled me forward in those puny moments like looking at the garden (a perfect metaphor by the way) is to flip it into a me, me, me moment. So you don't have a green thumb - you like grilling? Fire pit? IOW - what can you "replant" or create and nurture just for you now that you get to be your own conductor? And if you really enjoy looking at the green stuff - schedule out some public garden walks into your time. I'm using this just as an example how you don't have to necessarily "give up something completely" in this whole deal. There will be a thousand that you have to reconfigure. And you will with flying colors. (Like the ring - maybe a niece or god-daughter or someone fitting someday? Wouldn't that be a lovely way to reclaim its significance?)

Those mantras I mentioned muttering and mumbling to myself? One of them I still use all the time is "I'll figure it out."

Oh and PS: your IC needs to also be all about you, you, you. I don't know why we're still talking about asking WS anything. WS should be way over there doing whatever it is they're doing. Your IC should be helping you sort through your story. Keep shopping!

Dude67 posted 5/20/2021 13:05 PM

Your WW acceded to the divorce so easily. Your were recently discussing having kids. What we normally see on SI is that a WW, who besides the A was otherwise a great wife snd partner, will fight tooth and nail to keep the marriage. It seems your WW did not. Even after the BH declares his intention to divorce, the WW usually says they will continue to fight for the marriage. Why do you think your WW is giving up so easily on the marriage?

Cooley2here posted 5/20/2021 13:33 PM

I have written about this so much on this site but Iím sure the old timers are sick of reading it but I think it might help you to understand a couple of things about your wife. When doctors and nurses talk to patients about pain the question is from 1 to 10 where is your pain. Well you can look at depression the same way. One is suicide and 10 is euphoria. Most of us, who are reasonably mentally and emotionally healthy, live at 7, 8 or 9. Euphoria is a new job, a new girlfriend, riding a roller coaster, whatever gets the juices going. To us, who are healthy, itís just fun. To someone who is depressed it feels life saving. They are willing to risk their marriages for that wonderful feeling that comes from all those hormones flooding their brains. Of course it doesnít last. On top of that many of them are drinking which is a depressant. Itís a very self-destructive way to get some sort of pleasure out of life. Your wife has now set up a lifestyle that looks very good to her. Itís all about chasing men and men chasing her. It gives her those highs that she has come to love. You canít save her. You canít fix her depression. You canít fix her anxiety. What you can do is get yourself out of this infidelity.

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