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Just Found Out :
My Wife is Cheating and I'm Glad

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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 10:45 PM on Monday, May 10th, 2021

Do you have a separation plan?

Be sure you get one, so you know how to spend time away from her during that mandatory timeframe.

posts: 591   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 12:25 AM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Do you or your WW use Reddit?

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:35 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

So, I spent three hours in my attorney's office yesterday getting the info drafted into a petition. My attorney recommends that I go for half equity on the house and lifetime alimony from her. He says we need to ask high and then we can haggle down to a reasonable agreement she and I can both live with. He's not sure about me waiving alimony for her share of the house proceeds. He is concerned that property values could tank before we sold it and then I would be screwed. I offered to not touch her retirement and she is not to touch mine.

Unless there is an overriding tactical reason not to tell your wife, go ahead and do it. Check with your attorney first. You are going to serve her very soon so I don't see the need to keep it a secret any longer. But, again, check with your attorney just in case there is a compelling reason not to do so.

Finally, do not let ANYONE derail you from what has to be done. You will regret it for the rest of your life if you don't dump her. I speak from experience. Good luck and godspeed.

Yes I am most likely going to tell her this Friday. My attorney says it shouldn't matter one way or another. For me, I don't want to do it on a weeknight as she needs to be in a proper frame of mind for work. Telling her Friday will give her the weekend to absorb and get her mind together. The petition most likely will not be ready for service until next week anyways.

Buster123

I agree with the others, it must be excruciating for you to keep this facade while your inner feelings consume you. Like others mentioned she's going to be served soon anyway, so if your attorney gives you the green light, just sit her down and tell her, brace yourself for all kinds of blameshifting, lovebombing, etc., it doesn't matter much anymore, keep the eye on the ball, that is to dump this proven serial cheater and liar and get out of infidelity, let us know how it goes so that you can receive feedback from those who have been through similar situations.

I honestly don't think she will react that way. The only begging she will be doing is begging me not to tell her family and friends about her cheating. She cares about her reputation, she does not care about me or the marriage.

HalfTime2017

I hope the meeting with your attorney goes well.

I'm in a different boat here as far as telling the WW. If there is a strategic reason not to tell her, than you should hold off. Get your ducks all lined up before you let her know. That means all the accounts, insurance.... that you haven't already done so lined up. Important paperwork that you feel she might want to take a peep out, get that secured. I know the other OBS put her files in their office and the AP took all of it. Don't let a few days/a week of discomfort ruin your plans. If you have to, say you're having some stress at work, taking a few days off and stay at a hotel or buddies house.

Lastly, you didn't want to involve your son since he's off at school, but he deserves to know imho before the WW does. You don't want the WW to be the one to let him in on the divorce. Prior to your WW getting served, I would have a one on one with your son, and let him know exactly what is happening. He is an adult, and you can feel free to share that you and your WW are getting a divorce and the simple reason why without going into gory details. When he comes back for summer, you can have a deeper conversation about all your reasonings, but he does deserve to know.

Oh believe me I have a very organized binder of documents that will be attached to the agreement for her to review. We prepared the heck out of this thing. And I have all the surveillance info from the P.I. for her to review. As for my son, he is taking his finals over these next two weeks, so I am not going to tell him until he gets home at the end of next week. He needs to concentrate on passing his exams.

tushnurse

Wishing you get good info today and then you get a plan in place.

Just remember even though you have chosen your clear path it will still hurt and you will need to grieve the loss of the M and heal yourself. While the D gets you out of infidelity it isn't a magic wand to make all the shi just go away.

Thank you so much tushnurse. Actually I am at peace with everything and not sad at all. Sunday was difficult because I don't like faking happiness. But today I am filled with hope and resolve. This is, I am sure, the best direction for my wife and I. We are both miserable, and despite her deeply flawed character, my wife doesn't deserve a life of ongoing misery married to a man who no longer loves her as a husband should. No one deserves that.

Sharkman

You should have the filing. If you just give it to her, of have it served to her at your home then there isn't much wiggle room. If you just tell her she'll try to manipulate you into treating it like a conversation.

HAVE A RECORDING DEVICE ON AT ALL TIMES.

That is good stuff. Thank you. My intent is to tell her Friday that I know of the affair, and that I want an equitable and undramatic divorce. In my state the petition must be served third party. So I think what I will do is have her served at some pre-arranged location away from her workplace next week, maybe during her lunchbreak.

My wife is not a dramatic person. I don't see her flipping out or causing a scene or doing any begging or wailing. I am pretty sure I can talk her into getting this done as amicably as possible.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:40 AM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:41 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

DoinBettr

Do you have a separation plan?

Be sure you get one, so you know how to spend time away from her during that mandatory timeframe.

No I don't have one. What should one entail?

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
id 8658449
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 2:43 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

BindassBP

Do you or your WW use Reddit?

My wife does. She is on several religious groups there. (I know... ) As for me, I don't touch Reddit. Some of those people there are disgusting and would be the last people I would ever broach my troubles to.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 8:43 AM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

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Butforthegrace ( Member #63264) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

My wife is not a dramatic person. I don't see her flipping out or causing a scene or doing any begging or wailing. I am pretty sure I can talk her into getting this done as amicably as possible.

It is a strong recommend that you use a VAR or your cell phone in your pocket to record the conversation. There are a ton of threads here where a WW tries to press a fake domestic violence charge as a litigation gambit, or perhaps agrees to a settlement but later tries to reneg. You can always record your own conversation for your own use.

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 3771   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 5:09 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

I honestly don't think she will react that way. The only begging she will be doing is begging me not to tell her family and friends about her cheating. She cares about her reputation, she does not care about me or the marriage.

She may try to lovebomb you in order to save her reputation but even if she doesn't, this is great leverage (not blackmail) for you to get much better D terms. Your attorney seems to be a good one when it comes to negotiations and he's right about the house market fluctuations, lifetime alimony is another powerful bargaining chip, again follow his advice and since he gave you the green light, I think you have a great plan to tell her this Friday and your son after he takes his finals, he deserves to know the truth as well as both sets of parents and close relatives/close mutual friends, others can wait until after the ink is dry, unless she tries to take control of the narrative and blame you for it and paint you as a monster in an effort to save face and minimize her huge betrayal (yes we've "seen it" many times here and in other websites).

I agree with others that you should record the entire conversation just in case. You have handled this great so far, good luck on the confrontation and please let us know how it goes, the collective wisdom of SI will continue to help you with great ideas that have stood the test of time.

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gemini12 ( New Member #78670) posted at 5:15 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

I agree that you should tape your divorce conversation with your wife.

I taped every conversation my ex and I had regarding the divorce. It came in handy when she lied and made veiled threats. All of that came back to bite her in the end.

CYA is the best defense.

Good luck.

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Newlifeisgreat ( Member #71308) posted at 6:16 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Go out to Best Buy and buy a Voice Activated Recorder and keep it on you at ALL TIMES!!!!

You don’t know how she is going to react. You’ve said that you believe she will be most concerned about her family and friends finding out about her cheating. In order to prevent you from telling them the truth, she MIGHT come up with a fake domestic abuse claim against you, thereby making you the villain and her the poor struggling victim/wife of an obviously horrible man! Even if your state requires all parties to agree to be recorded, it is still good to have it recording without her knowledge as protection against a false charge and could save you from going to jail.

Did you file under adultery?

Good luck and stay strong.

Betrayed SpouseShe cheated and I filed immediately upon discovering. She never even suspected that I knew until the moment she was served with reason being AdulteryDivorced 9/18Now VERY happy with new life, 0 regrets

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src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 6:35 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Funny how the religious can so easily do the most dastardly deeds. They compartmentalize with such ease. Do not let her or anyone of her religious persuasion derail you.

posts: 415   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 6:58 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Points taken. I have a mini voice recorder with VOX and I will keep it in my pocket when I sit down with her.

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Walkthestorm ( New Member #72157) posted at 7:09 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Someone linked your story (this thread) on a reddit adultery sub and the word is who ever linked it thinks your wife is on that discusting sub. Just to let you know. Your wife might already be aware. Wishing you all the best!

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DoinBettr ( Member #71209) posted at 7:14 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

A separation plan is knowing where you will be going once you file. Lets say you don't want to be in the house with her after you file. Then you have a line on a month to month apartment or a buddy who would put you up for 2 weeks minimum.

Trying to couch/guest room surf during a divorce, which could take weeks or could be a day, is extra stress. Think about how you will get out and away from your soon to be ex if things start to go sideways.

You say you know her, but you really don't if this was happening again and you didn't see it earlier. Not being mean, just saying she has more hidden up her sleeve than you expect.

Also, did the lawyer tell you if you had a mandatory separation period? Some states (Mine does) have a mandatory time frame before you can just get a divorce. It is to reduce on the number of people getting divorced just because they had a fight.

So, if you plan on staying in the house, then where? If you need space in that situation, where will you go? Get a gym membership, recording studio to practice writing, or something where you can go to get some space. Have a backup plan encase you want to be out of the house faster than you think. Have time off ready for your job encase things hit you harder than you think.

Expect her family to come in hard on you not to divorce because your WW is going to blame you. She did last time and she will this time. Be ready to get away from the church 100%. Baptist is just Christianity with sprinkles. Try some of the other flavors (Non-Denominational is where I sit now), you might like them.

You got this. Glad you have a solid plan. You not loving your wife right is not on you. You should see a IC for that, but your WW never fixed her side of the fence. She should have stood up for you to her family when she screwed up the first time. You haven't been safe in this marriage since then.

Sort of a temperature check on your marriage after the first affair. Did you 2 ever start to talk? Did she get IC? Did she apologize and beg you to take her back? Just some questions to get you seeing how your WW is different than some of the WW on here.

posts: 591   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 7:33 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Someone linked your story (this thread) on a reddit adultery sub and the word is who ever linked it thinks your wife is on that discusting sub. Just to let you know. Your wife might already be aware. Wishing you all the best!

Aw man. That is not good. Some people just have no integrity. I'll check it out.

posts: 180   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2021
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 TheWrongOne (original poster Member #78753) posted at 7:45 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

DoinBettr

A separation plan is knowing where you will be going once you file. Lets say you don't want to be in the house with her after you file. Then you have a line on a month to month apartment or a buddy who would put you up for 2 weeks minimum.

Trying to couch/guest room surf during a divorce, which could take weeks or could be a day, is extra stress. Think about how you will get out and away from your soon to be ex if things start to go sideways.

You say you know her, but you really don't if this was happening again and you didn't see it earlier. Not being mean, just saying she has more hidden up her sleeve than you expect.

Also, did the lawyer tell you if you had a mandatory separation period? Some states (Mine does) have a mandatory time frame before you can just get a divorce. It is to reduce on the number of people getting divorced just because they had a fight.

So, if you plan on staying in the house, then where? If you need space in that situation, where will you go? Get a gym membership, recording studio to practice writing, or something where you can go to get some space. Have a backup plan encase you want to be out of the house faster than you think. Have time off ready for your job encase things hit you harder than you think.

Expect her family to come in hard on you not to divorce because your WW is going to blame you. She did last time and she will this time. Be ready to get away from the church 100%. Baptist is just Christianity with sprinkles. Try some of the other flavors (Non-Denominational is where I sit now), you might like them.

You got this. Glad you have a solid plan. You not loving your wife right is not on you. You should see a IC for that, but your WW never fixed her side of the fence. She should have stood up for you to her family when she screwed up the first time. You haven't been safe in this marriage since then.

Sort of a temperature check on your marriage after the first affair. Did you 2 ever start to talk? Did she get IC? Did she apologize and beg you to take her back? Just some questions to get you seeing how your WW is different than some of the WW on here.

Oh ok I see where you are going. Well, I am not leaving the house. I am a self-employed engineer and I work out of my house. Half of the downstairs is essentially my office. I have four computers and a huge workspace where I ply my trade. My wife has most of the upstairs. In fact, I am thinking of just splitting the house while we are awaiting finalization of the divorce. She can have the upstairs all to herself, and I will move all my belongings downstairs and sleep in the guest bedroom. Our house is actually well suited to an in-house separation. My lawyer explicitly told me not to leave.

She may well have something up her sleeve. She may very well choose not to stop seeing this guy and continue to step out on me. That is okay. I will be okay with it because I have pretty much disconnected from her emotionally. I cried all my tears out years ago. What I am looking forwards to is dating new women and having some real passionate sex for the first time in fifteen years. But I won't do that until the divorce is final and we have sold the house and gone our separate ways.

I will not tolerate interference from her parents this time. They have no ground to stand on because outwardly I have been a model husband to my wife. Then again, they are very old and they don't have much fight in them. Her dad retired from preaching and heading the church about three years ago and is now just the assistant pastor and a deacon. I will most likely quit this church, even though the music director will beg me not to.

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BindassBP ( Member #75283) posted at 8:51 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Aw man. That is not good. Some people just have no integrity. I'll check it out

That is why I asked about Reddit. The poster insinuated she uses that platform and linked your post. If she is in adultery subReddit, she already knows everything.

posts: 72   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2020
id 8658584
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 9:18 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Yep it's on there. Looks like they were trying to somehow tip her off.

It's always interesting reading the inner thoughts of completely morally compromised people on the reddit adultery board, but I don't recommend it now.

However, later it might help you.

It is a bracing read, because you really begin to understand that there are A LOT of adulterers who are unbothered by something that has been considered among the worst and most toxic transgressions in nearly every human culture on the planet, past and present, for more than 3,000 years.

They'll use every justification in the book, blameshifting, endorse gaslighting, laugh about betrayed spouses' pain and worse. But what's really interesting is that typically the motivations for adultery on that board boil down to one very simple thing: Lust.

[This message edited by Thumos at 3:34 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8658594
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Dennylast ( New Member #78522) posted at 9:50 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

I would be interested to see if she had any posts.

posts: 8   ·   registered: Mar. 17th, 2021
id 8658610
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Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 9:55 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

Thumos, I read that post too. I had to laugh at the mental gymnastics being spewed by some of the folks on that sub.

According to them, TheWrongOne should calmly sit his wife down and have and “man up” and not involve anyone other then him and his WW. Someone posted a reply basically calling out the hypocrisy of the comments.....crickets.

I peruse the sub from time to time. It does give you some perspective on what WS are capable of. You can see many people (mostly women) taking great offence to a woman sleeping with a married man, while his wife is pregnant. My god, how awful, but cheating on the same woman when she isn’t pregnant is fine, because, they aren’t meeting the cheating spouses needs.

I digress. TheWrongOne, I feel like you have a good plan in place. Providing evidence of your WW’s most recent affair is relevant, especially in some religions. No need to get into the details, your WW can address that with her family.

I wish you all the best.

posts: 720   ·   registered: Jul. 16th, 2016
id 8658611
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Thumos ( Member #69668) posted at 10:08 PM on Tuesday, May 11th, 2021

I haven't given that reddit thread a lot of thought lately. I used to read it for tips on how WS's hide things with all of their laughable spy vs. spy jargon about OPSEC (laughable but useful as far as it goes). There's even a post lately justifying exposing an innocent faithful spouse to STD's. They'll seemingly justify just about anything to serve their own ends.

I find it bizarre and creepy they are stalking SI, but also just really pathetic and lame all at the same time. Just really broken people.

They spend so much time on that board patting each other on the back and talking about how awesome adultery is and how joyful they are about their choices.

So if everything is so swell and fabulous, why would they feel the need to creep on Surviving Infidelity? Odd that they seem obsessed with what betrayed spouses are feeling and thinking. We're supposed to be an after thought, after all.

Latent guilt, maybe? Who knows.

Anyway someone asked that I post the link to the reddit page. I don't like giving them attention, but you can find it from a few days ago under the heading:

"Have mercy downvoters"

Do a search for that plus reddit & adultery and it should come up.

One of the funniest comments comes from someone pining for a website where betrayeds will just lay down and follow Esther Perel's framework and advice. Really. No, really.

The most bizarre aspect of the thread is the sheer amount of projection.

TheWrongOne has been very level-headed here and most of the advice he's received here has also been very straightforward and common sense.

But man, they are just losing their minds over there. Most of the panicky justifications and hamster wheel white noise seems to be coming from WW's over there.

[This message edited by Thumos at 4:25 PM, May 11th (Tuesday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49
Married: Feb. 1996
DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4227   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8658618
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