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In another thread I said I would ask Andi if there were any other stale danishes/donuts that she had before the OM that I knew about.

I bluffed her a little and gave her that look that I might already know something.

"I'm starting to hear some things from long ago, are you sure t%$#& was your only OM," I asked.

Her answer was "no" almost in a whisper, hard to hear, and she started shaking.

There was one other, and it happened during the fifth year of our marriage, when we were having sex almost everyday and planning our future. The sex with OM#2 took place in the office at night, when she was supposedly working late.

I told her at her DDay that if I found out she withheld other sextra-curricular activities that it would be over -- even if it came to light years later.

I asked why she never told me at her DDAY and she said it had been so long about, 20 years, and that she "didn't think it even mattered at that point and I was already paying the price for cheating."

I'm not mad, just numb now, exhausted, we had such a great time this weekend and now this.

I always had an uneasy feeling about a guy she was working with in the early years of our marriage.

I don't know what I'm going to do, I feel I have to keep my word from her first DDay -- that it would be over if she withheld anything -- and at this point I'm inclined to keep my word.

I told her to go to MC on her own this week.

She's been upset today, didn't go to work, but I have no empathy right now, none.

I know my A was wrong and brought pain into our marriage, but I came clean about everything.

My best friend in life is a divorce lawyer, think I'll ask how him how to get the ball rolling.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 10:46 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

[This message edited by MyAndI at 4:46 PM, Tuesday, April 27th]

MyAndI,

I am so sorry to hear that she wasn't honest with you.

I think you are correct in seeking out a lawyer and at least knowing what the options are in front of you.

Your case is an example of "knowing what you are forgiving". When WS does not give the full truth and does not do the eternal work... it's just slapping a band-aid on the bullet wound.

I am sorry that she continued to let herself, you, and your marriage bleed out.

Take care of yourself today.

[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 10:52 AM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

Im so sorry this has happened again.

I just want to say I am sorry. Any new information is like being shot all over again. Talking to a lawyer is probably a good idea. It's always best to be prepared for whatever outcome you choose.

Her reasoning for not telling you before is complete BS, but I am sure you see that. She was protecting herself, like most of us WS's do.

If only she would have come forward with this information on her own. It may not change the outcome, but it would have shown growth and character. You having to bluff her like that....again I am sorry. I'm just shaking my head.

Take sometime to care for yourself.

Damn I'm sorry MyAndI - new information. 20 years in the making - that's a lot to take in.

You should have 2 BFFs though - your lawyer for sure [you need that insight and information]. But also your IC.

I honestly don't see any reason to continue with a MC at this point. You both needs some serious IC though. You have a lot of unpacking to do and just unburdening yourself and your whole story [as both a BH and WH] could be cathartic to purge.

I am so sorry! This is one of my nightmares, to find out there was actually more. Ugh. I can't even imagine.

Her reasoning for not telling you before is complete BS, but I am sure you see that. She was protecting herself, like most of us WS's do.

Totally agree with this. It was my WH's reasoning for not giving me the whole truth upfront as well.

Ooof that's hard to read.

I'm sorry for this recent dday. TT is so very painful. Its hard a month out, its hard 20 years out.

No one deserves to be lied to and robbed of their agency like this.

Perhaps you could start with the 180, in house separation, and definitely talk to your lawyer.

I agree with Chaos about ending marriage counseling... it's pointless waste of time and money when your spouse is still lying to you.

I think it's also safe to assume that she's probably minimizing the extent of this newly disclosed affair, admitting to the bare minimum of what she thinks you are able to prove.

You were already struggling to empathize with her and be receptive to her pain; her completely obliterating the shaky foundation of trust that you thought you could rebuild on likely made that impossible. Your wife has only herself to blame for that part.

I think going to see a divorce lawyer is the best decision as well as an IC.

Whatever you do, please avoid any urge you might have to reconnect with your OW... it will own make your current situation much worse.

She has been apologizing, texting me, all day, wants to R still, said there is nothing now that she hasn't told me.

She is scared that I might hit the road back to the OW, and truthfully, the thought occurred to me.

She tried to say earlier this morning that we were basically even because her two brief interludes didn't amount to my LTA with her best friend.

I replied "maybe so," but I came clean and held no more secrets.

The OW knew my wife for a year before I did and during the A, OW told me that my wife had always been a spoiled little taker. I'm starting to think OW was right about a lot of things.

How can I R if I can no longer trust my wife? I'm not mad at the OMs. They saw an opportunity and took it.

I'm on the east coast and have wanted to move to the northwest for a long time. I'm a reporter so I could pick up work easily writing for some small town rag. I think I want out, I just want to run.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 4:02 PM, April 27th (Tuesday)]

MyAndI

This comment from your wife is very telling:

She tried to say earlier this morning that we were basically even because her two brief interludes didn't amount to my LTA with her best friend.

IMO she is still minimizing the impact of her A on you. Putting aside the non disclosure aspect for a minute, she’s essentially still gaslighting you even after all this time. That’s a big problem.

I asked why she never told me at her DDAY and she said it had been so long about, 20 years, and that she "didn't think it even mattered at that point and I was already paying the price for cheating."

No, the real reason is, "It was 20 years ago and I didn't think I would ever get caught."

How can I R if I can no longer trust my wife?

You can't trust her. How can you even be sure she's being honest now about OM#2? Would she be willing to take a polygraph if it would make a difference to you? Would you be willing to offer one to her as an incentive?

I think I want out, I just want to run.

No one would blame you for calling it here. You don't need to explore any more ways to make this work especially when her poor attitude about it remains. If you need permission to run guilt free, you have it.

Oh, God, I am so sorry.

As tempting as it may be, don't jump out of the frying pan and back into the fire with OW. Why re-entangle yourself with an untrustworthy woman? It took stunning hypocrisy for her to call your wife "a spoiled little taker" while simultaneously fucking you.

You had integrity once before and gave it up. You can make an honorable choice now. Prove that your WW is full of shit with these false equivalencies by refusing to take the low road.

Your in a pit...only thing your going to find is a snake. And that's what OW is. Do not sign up to get bitten again.

Divorce is fair game at this point but keeping OW around is only going to make it 10000 times harder.

Of course I'm not going back to OW, it was a brief thought, just a reaction, but I would never.

I told Andi this morning that I thought we needed a break so I could decide if I still wanted to be married.

She's been apologizing all day for keeping OM#1 a secret. She said there were no others and nothing left unsaid to me at this point -- she said it's all out there now. I asked her soon after her DDay if she had anything else to tell me, anything that I should know about. If I had known about OM#1 then I don't think we'd be here, it would have been all part of the same whammy to me.

This morning I told her she was free to do whatever she wants with whomever she wants, that I didn't give a shit. I told her the revelations didn't bother me, it's how easy it is for her to lie that bothers me. I told her I will move on and love again.

A good friend of mine in town offered to rent me a room dirt cheap, I will take him up on it if Andi doesn't move out. I asked her to do just that this morning.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 11:39 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]

she is scared that I might hit the road back to the OW, and truthfully, the thought occurred to me.

I am scratching my head here. It's as if no work has been done on either side for either of you. I am sorry, but really understanding affairs, how they work, what they are...there is no way in hell no matter what would I be thinking I would be going back to a person who didn't care about me.

Stay with me on this - someone who helps you destroy your soul and life is not someone who cares about you. They only care about themselves and what they want.

If something ever happened to my husband, or we were to divorce this would not even be a thought even in the depths of despair and pain. I could seriously have a chance encounter and see the AP and I would not even be tempted to speak to him. It would be my biggest nightmare to run into him, I never want to see him again.

So, I am going to reinforce what I have said to you all along - you need to work on yourself. Go to therapy, do whatever you need to do. Regardless of whether you change your mind and decide to work this out with your wife, or if you decide to get a divorce. You need to change your wiring if you are to hope to have a happy, healthy relationship in the future. I know that feels like a 2 by 4 and you hate those. It's not meant that way - it's just you can't see that you have very faulty thinking about most all of this and it's for your benefit that I say please call and make an appt. with a therapist. It's work you will never regret.

I asked her soon after her DDay if she had anything else to tell me, anything that I should know about. If I had known about OM#1 then I don't think we'd be here, it would have been all part of the same whammy to me.

Yup. Of all the classic post-DDay offenses, this is perhaps the most classic, and yet it's also the hardest truth to get any new arrival to believe.

HO, I think our last posts crossed paths. The OW thought was about a fraction of a nanosecond, a place to hide, and I dismissed it right away.

I feel I will move on quickly and I will never cheat on a partner again, NEVER EVER EVER.

Edited to add: I can't wait to see the world again on my own, I'm OK on my own.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 11:42 AM, April 28th (Wednesday)]