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Six months in

Newlywed18 posted 4/21/2021 19:19 PM

Iím 6 months in from finding out that my husband was soliciting prostitutes. These past 6 months have been gruesome at times. Heís asking to go out of town with a group of friends and they idea of it is giving me panic attacks. He has said he will check in with me as often as I feel is necessary. My body is freaking out and my heart rate goes into the 150ís and I have a panic attack just thinking about it. Heís told me I need to get over it and itís emasculating that I have a problem with it. Says he doesnít want to tell his friends that his wife wonít let him go. I said maybe you should tell them itís becomes you were trying to meet prostitutes last fall. I didnít get us in this situation. Iím also having trouble having an orgasm with him. I feel like my body does not feel safe.
I recently had surgery and have been so scared heís going to look outside the marriage because I couldnít have sex during the recovery period.
This has been so hard. I wouldnít wish it on anyone. It has been so traumatic emotionally and physically.

landclark posted 4/21/2021 21:07 PM

Heís told me I need to get over it and itís emasculating that I have a problem with it.

This shows a serious lack of empathy and remorse. He shouldnít even be considering a trip given his history, and the fact the he feels he would need to blame it on you is even more disturbing. No wonder youíre feeling what youíre feeling. Heís re-traumatizing you.

I would say this is a situation where identifying your boundaries is important. What are you willing to accept for yourself at this point?

This0is0Fine posted 4/21/2021 21:37 PM

Missed your original thread. You should have taken the at fault D when you had the chance.

Underserving posted 4/21/2021 22:59 PM

Iím so sorry you are having such an adverse reaction to his going away. Please know that it is normal. Whatís concerning is his response to your being uncomfortable,

I donít like to play the comparison game on here, but feel compelled to share this with you.

My husband had an all expense paid hunting trip he was invited to attend. It was worth thousands of dollars, and an absolute dream of his. This was at about 10 months post d-day. A few days before, I had been really struggling with his infidelity, and was not in the best place. I never asked him not to go, and in fact encouraged him that it would be fine, and he should enjoy the trip. He ended up telling his buddy he couldnít go, because there were things at home he needed to take care of that were more important. (Notice he did not blame me for not going)

I only share that to show what a remorseful spouseís reaction to a betrayedís distress should be.

Now, Iím not telling you that your marriage is doomed, because honestly how the fuck would I know that? Iím just saying the way he is disregarding your feelings is concerning.

Again, please know your apprehensions are expected. Iím sorry he isnít doing more to make you feel safe. (At least from what youíve shared)

Wishing you nothing but the best!

[This message edited by Underserving at 11:02 PM, April 21st (Wednesday)]

Newlywed18 posted 4/22/2021 06:57 AM

He is definitely emotionally immature. I have been the one that has bolstered him up and itís so frustrating that when I need something it is too much. We talked about this a few days ago and then yesterday I noticed he had withdrawn and when I brought it up he said all those things about being emasculated and what would he tell his friends. How about what I had to tell my 16 yo son when he found the pictures of his penis he was sending to a prostitute. It seems like a no brainer to me that if your spouse does not feel comfortable that you donít go. He doesnít seem to understand that trust takes a long time to mend. I am getting nervous because Iím about to drop my hours at work to start a full time graduate program. The program is just a little over a year and my earning income will increase substantially. I keep finding myself looking at rental houses and trying to have a back up plan in case this doesnít work. My IC has told me that I either need to be all in or all out, but it is not helping to plan my divorce. I am honestly not sure what to do. Iíve prayed for guidance and direction to know there next step. I thought things were ok until this trip came up and he went into complete blaming mode, like a child. I hate to uproot both my kids right now. My other kid is also a teenager. Iíve thought maybe I just stay where I am until they both graduate so I donít have to change their lives so much. They have both been through a lot because their father is an addict. I hate to move them from their friends because they have both had extremely difficult childhoods. I really just feel lost and stuck right now.

The1stWife posted 4/22/2021 07:29 AM

Heís told me I need to get over it and itís emasculating that I have a problem with it. Says he doesnít want to tell his friends that his wife wonít let him go. I

Read this again and you can clearly see why you have problems. Not just with your Híe selfishness but also with his attitude.

Seriously he should be taking into account your feelings instead of being a jerk about it.

Chaos posted 4/22/2021 08:16 AM

Heís told me I need to get over it and itís emasculating that I have a problem with it.

This is a HUGE red flag and it should not be ignored.

I'm sorry he is acting like a flaming horse's patoot.

nekonamida posted 4/22/2021 09:28 AM

He doesnít seem to understand that trust takes a long time to mend.

Have you ever thought that maybe he does understand, he just doesn't care? He's not a child. He must be smart enough if he can manage a job and an adult life. You've certainly shared your feelings with him. He's simply choosing to ignore them and tell you to get over it even though you know that there is a high likelihood of him cheating again if this continues.

For many, him going on this trip would be enough for them to file for D. 180 him. DETACH (Don't Even Think About Changing Him). See a lawyer even if you're not ready to file. Show him consequences for his still wayward behavior.

sisoon posted 4/22/2021 12:54 PM

Heís told me I need to get over it and itís emasculating that I have a problem with it.
What's the 'it'?

If he's saying it's emasculating that you have a problem with his using prostitutes, then I would think you and he have very different values, and you have to choose between changing your values and D.

If his problem is the trip, a decent candidate for R would, I think, know they need to keep temptation as far away as possible and not even want to go on the trip. IOW, he would have said when the trip first came up, 'Count me out.'

Now he's afraid to recognize boundaries between himself and his friends. He could say, 'Look, I screwed up my M, and rebuilding requires me to skip this trip.' But he can't figure out what to say?

This is something different from meds reducing his ability to control impulses. IOW, your H looks like he's not mature enough to be a good candidate for R.

I think you need to have some real heart-to-heart talks to decide which way to go.

What support do you have IRL?

[This message edited by sisoon at 12:55 PM, April 22nd (Thursday)]

outofsorts posted 4/22/2021 19:54 PM

Newlywed I am so sorry that you are going through this....

My husband had sex with a prostitute when he was out of state visiting his Mother a few days after she was diagnosed with terminal cancer (but he had also gotten about 10 handjobs from "massage parlors" over a six month period back home). Fast forward to about six months after Dday and his Dad was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer (while still living out of State).

I, of course, start breaking down at the idea that he might need to go back to the cheating state to visit his Dad if he becomes sick. WH says he would just stay home and not go visit his Dad but this option was something that I didn't think I could live with. Our marriage counselor says that is possibly the biggest trigger that I would ever face so WH not going to visit his Dad is a legitimate option but that a better option would be for me to go with WH to visit his Dad, just minimize time spent out in public / with family as much as possible and WH would just have to help me deal with the triggers as a natural consequence of his infidelity.

Fortunately the cancer turned out to be fairly easy to treat and WH never needed to go visit his Dad and I never had to come to a decision about this. But I give the example to illustrate different reactions in a situation that would give my WH a much, much more important reason to travel than a trip with friends.

You are not being unreasonable, you are having a totally normal reaction. Your body freaking out is basically a symptom of the infidelity trauma.

Your husband having to skip a trip is a natural consequence of his shitty behavior. If he wants to stay married to you this is something he needs to come to terms with (quickly) and be generous and understanding about.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this selfishness.

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