I was often selfish with my time. I work a stressful job and the commute is almost an hour each way, and when I returned home I would often do something to unwind, at the expense of her.
Sooooo..... you were a completely normal working adult?
I also worked a lot of Saturdays from home. Date nights were maybe once a month.
Being a type-A worker doesn't make you abusive. Did she ever plan date nights? Or clearly communicate dissatisfaction with your working habits?
I did not know how to listen. I would interrupt her, give advice, etc. Anything other than just listen.
Listening is important for sure, but news flash - a lot of people struggle with it.
I didn't respect her feelings, I would often drag my feet at things she wanted to do, things she wanted around the house, stuff she wanted to buy.
I was controlling with the family money. Not that I ever said no, but I would ask a hundred questions, I would make comments about the cost of her ideas, try to talk her into other things. She often would just give up.
Was she working as well or were you the sole earner? Not saying it's good to be controlling about the money, but looking to my own situation, I was the sole breadwinner and also the only responsible adult, so it did fall on me to try to manage spending.
When it was looking like we had enough money for me to retire early, I got really stingy with money and didn't consider her dreams or anything she wanted. Every penny I could I invested and saved. I did this mostly without considering how she felt about it.
Again... were her 'dreams' in line with reality? My xwh would often talk about lavish vacations and things he wanted to do (with me footing the bill). it fell on me to be the 'bad guy' because the 'dreams' he had were just not financially feasible for us. And when you are in the home stretch saving for retirement, a responsible adult should be 'stingy' about their money.
During conflict I would respond to her anger with anger, and have said hurtful things. I regret many things, but this one is special because I now see how damaging it is.
Again, not good. But guess what - everyone has said hurtful things. Everyone has had times where their anger has gotten the best of them. That's part of being human.
I caused her some bad emotional injuries, I had mocked and joked when she called me to deal with an issue once, and a couple years ago I ignored her concerns and we ended up with a huge, huge problem with mice.
So you had one time where shit went sideways... and? Again - that is a normal part of being in a relationship.
Toward the end I was emotionally shutting down. I knew we needed help, I just figured we could get it when my busy work season was over.
I did this too, the shutting down thing. In my case, it just hit a point of overwhelm that I wasn't able to cope with. It happens even in 'normal' healthy relationships.
We had lots of good times though, and in a couple ways from the outside it looked great: I served in worship in my church for 17 years, and volunteered in the children's program with my kids for 5 years. I never went outside the marriage for anything, never raised a hand to her. And I don't want her shamed or anyone knowing her adultery that she doesn't want to tell.
Even marriages with infidelity typically aren't all bad. But any good times right now are completely subsumed in dealing with her cheating.
As far as telling or not... I get it both ways. But if it is detrimental to YOU to keep that secret, just know that you are under no obligation to do so. She cheated. And part of the natural fallout and consequence of HER choice to cheat on her husband is that people may find that out and have feelings about it. That ain't on you.
Honestly, to me she sounds like she will be perfectly happy to rugsweep so she can keep on looking like a good wife. That might work for a while, but that is just not a viable long-term solution. Eventually, YOUR feelings will need to be addressed. And speaking from my own experience, it's not a fun time remaining with a completely remorseless cheater.