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One week after D-day feel like R is too easy

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decaynus posted 4/18/2021 00:52 AM

Thanks everyone. I already see a psychotherapist weekly (for nearly 3 years) so I think the calm manner in which Iím handling this is a result of the work Iíve done to understand myself, and the world.

My concern right now is for my wifeís well-being and my childrenís stability. Iím looking after myself too. Appreciate all your concern.

I keep asking myself, when Iím in my dying breathes, who do I want to be able to say I was in my life. Right now itís to look after those I love and care for.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 4/18/2021 01:17 AM

This taken generally is all well and good decaynus. But in the context of what just happened, your last post sounds to me to be an awful lot like rugsweeping on your part. And if you do this, the results will be horrible.

You have a lot of anger and rage and a whole rollercoaster of other emotions coming up after the shock of all this wears off.

And meanwhile, even BESIDES this, your WW will end up feeling awfully uneasy with it. That you sound so willing to move past this, especially with your WW's pregnancy, is going to be awfully hard for her to accept in the long run. Your marriage cannot work if your wife feels this undeserving of being your wife--as she should right now indeed!. And believe it or not, this feeling of undeservedness will actually turn into resentment and mistrust on her part, towards you. Mark my words, if you are already this forgiving, the end result will be your WW ironically enough, not trusting YOU.

She needs to do the work for her sake as much as yours.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 10:55 AM, April 18th (Sunday)]

redbaron007 posted 4/18/2021 02:33 AM

I keep asking myself, when Iím in my dying breathes, who do I want to be able to say I was in my life. Right now itís to look after those I love and care for.

All that's good and there will be plenty of time later for such musings, but right now, since your WW is pregnant with OM's child, the clock is already ticking, you must educate yourself about the legal aspects of this situation, so GET A LAWYER NOW!!!! And no, not informing OM is not an option....the child could have a medical situation in future that requires both biological parents to be tested, the child could themselves discover you're not their biological father & go seek their biological father,...there are so many other issues. Proceed without a lawyer and disaster awaits.

[This message edited by redbaron007 at 3:05 AM, April 18th (Sunday)]

Tanner posted 4/18/2021 08:53 AM

I wrote this before your update with the pregnancy. This is a tough one brother but this is just one of many discoveries yet to come.

I remember the exact feeling you describe. I couldnít believe it, less than a week after Dday we went skipping off into R. My W was back, the one I married and knew so well, we had a great conversations and it really felt authentic. I was so excited to put things back exactly the way they were.

What I found is it will never be the same. My gut was not 100%. I was being told what I wanted to hear, my WW was still very much in a wayward mindset. I was in false R and didnít know it. She did end the PA on Dday and went NC but she only told me what I already knew or could verify.

2 months later I was coming out of shock, and my anger / rage hit me. This is what saved me, I knew I didnít have all the info so I went 180 and told her I want S pending D. Is this what I wanted? No way, but I was willing to go through with it because I wasnít living in her infidelity one more minute. She ultimately confessed to many online long distance EAís. Dday 2.

Please listen to the advice here. There is no easy route here, itís a long hard road, with no shortcuts.

WontBeFooledAgai posted 4/18/2021 10:59 AM

That you are even in the Reconciliation Forum posting, this soon after your affair, is a problem. You are not yet in Reconciliation. And your WW is not yet remorseful. She may regret all the pain she caused you but right now her tears are mostly for herself.

I read this somewhere. When we suffer severe physical trauma, our body often produces pain-fighting chemicals to get us through the short run. This does NOT mean that we are fine. Surely this has to be true when we suffer severe emotional trauma as well. This does not mean that things are moving in the right direction.

What you really need to get here is that time is especially of the essence, due to your WW's pregnancy from the affair. You do not have time to meander down the path of rugsweeping and discover for yourself after a year WHY this cannot be. The path you are thinking of going down will likely end in disaster. A year from now you'll probably find yourself financially on the hook for another man's child while OM stays in your WW's life as he is the biological father. And feeling trapped and used. Instead, you now need to protect yourself. Please, WAKE UP!

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 6:15 PM, April 18th (Sunday)]

sisoon posted 4/18/2021 11:01 AM

The pregnancy is awful news.

I'm with Chaos - if 2 people do the work necessary to R, they will R. The pregnancy makes the work harder. Both D & R remain options for you. I hope you don't feel forced into a choice.

I do think you're forced into getting good legal advice, though.

If you look at the list of SI forums, you should see something named 'I Can Relate.' In it there's a thread caled 'Dealing with an OC' - https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=612814. I haven't gone into it, but I recommend checking it out.

I don't know if you're rugsweeping. I, too, could have said:

I think the calm manner in which Iím handling this is a result of the work Iíve done to understand myself, and the world.

I don't know if my W would have called me 'calm.' I do know I wasn't rug-sweeping, though.

tushnurse posted 4/18/2021 13:09 PM

This changes everything, a baby.

You need to make seeing an attorney your number one priority. You absolutely need to know what your rights and obligations are as well as hers.

She needs to get her head on straight sooner than later. You also get a say in moving forward, and you need to see your therapist and talk through the possibility that you may be asked to raise a baby as your own, and if that is something you can do.
I personally know what my answer would be, but you need to be 100% honest with yourself first and foremost.

This made a somewhat traumatic and difficult situation nearly untenable.

Underserving posted 4/18/2021 13:21 PM

This is definitely out of my realm, so Iím not going to offer any advice.

I just wanted to say how sorry I am you are here, and that you are being fed an even shittier shit sandwich than most of us.
Know you arenít alone, and not the first person this has happened to. Some have R-ed even with an OC (other child) in the mix. Either way, youíve received a lot of great advice on what some next steps might be.

Thinking about you. ❤️

Jorge posted 4/18/2021 14:57 PM

Divorce may or may not be for you, but should you decide to, don't assume you have to compromise your values. You can personally shape a separation or divorce in such a way that matches your principles and personal makeup.

So, you can divorce while being considerate, responsible, attentive to your wife's well being and continue providing stability for your children with the compassion you've always given and wish to continue.

Divorce doesn't have to be fraught with resentment, vindictiveness, inconsideration and irresponsibility. It's what you make it and what works for you. You can remove yourself from infidelity while providing the support needed for the ones you love, wife included.

[This message edited by Jorge at 11:15 PM, April 18th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 4/18/2021 18:39 PM

I keep asking myself, when Iím in my dying breathes, who do I want to be able to say I was in my life. Right now itís to look after those I love and care for.

This is not a decision you can make selflessly. In healing, there comes a point at which we all have to take ownership of our choices. Now, that's later on down the pike. You're still in the early days of shock and paralysis. But later on, we need to be able to remind ourselves daily that we're where we chose to be. Otherwise, we can't feel our own agency, our power, and THAT's what helps us to move past feelings of victimization. You will eventually have to invest in your choice, so that choice really has to be YOURS. It can't be about other people or anyone else's expectations, not even your own. It has to be what you want, and yeah... that's going to be within the parameters of what's possible, but you're not going to be able to fool yourself on this. If it's not your authentic choice, you'll end up feeling victimized and resentful, and those feelings will poison all that you care about.

You will no doubt feel pressured to make commitments on your WW's timetable. But that's why I recommended that you at least do the bare minimum of getting with an attorney and making sure you're not on the hook as the defacto dad. This leaves your options open for as long as possible so you can make choices at your own pace. Remember that being true to yourself pays dividends to all the people in your life who love and care for you. A "trapped" Dad isn't what you want for your kids because he's not going to be a very happy and engaging guy. Don't be afraid to be selfish just now. What you're dealing with is a big deal and you have to respect the scope of it with authenticity and the truth about how you feel.

The1stWife posted 4/19/2021 06:09 AM

At the end of my life and my last dying breaths I want to look back and say I was a good person.

However there are times when I have to be selfish for my own happiness and sanity, peace of mind etc. and that was dday2. It came down to Him or Me. I chose me.

I chose Me for my childrenís sake. So that I would stop crying my eyes out and being emotionally battered by my CH.

Dday2 was not easy. But it had to be done.

And we now have the marriage that makes both of us happy.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/19/2021 07:12 AM

decaynus, you were just hit with a sledgehammer. You were just pushed into another level of the hell of infidelity that many (most) of us have not had to deal with.

i don't believe my XWW was pregnant when I made the decision to D, but she was before it was finalized. however, at that point, there was no talk of R, so i cannot put myself in your shoes.

i have to agree with redbaron on this one. you absolutely need legal advice here. there are far too many questions and possibilities. you need to educate yourself.

also, as others have said, your WW may say she wants nothing to do with AP now, but this is even more reason to question her judgement. her decision to have the A was bad. her decision to not use protection has now compounded the problem. perhaps AP will not want any part of this child's life. maybe AP will want shared custody. you have no idea right now. you and your WW need to prepare. i would suggest that you both seek counsel seperately. you may choose to continue R, but it is a long, hard road that may fail. if that happens, you need to know how to protect yourself and your children. making decisions from a place of knowledge and strength is far better than fear and ignorance.

Iamtrash posted 4/19/2021 08:05 AM

I am a WW, so I hope my response isnít triggering. I just feel moved to respond to this one.

I would be confronting your WW about this pregnancy. I would want to know if this was planned (whether it was planned carelessness, an attempt by her to be with AP full time, or an AP attempt to keep her). My BH and I have also been in the position of losing a pregnancy. We lost our first and it completely changed me. Our most recent was a surviving twin.
Those losses, especially the first, impacted me in ways I never thought possible.

I have always considered myself pro choice with the realization that I didnít think Iíd ever be able to choose abortion for myself. Iíve felt that way as long as I can remember. Then things went sour with my AP. (Long distance affair.) During my last visit to see him, I knew I wouldnít be coming back. I think he knew too. Things happened on the last night with him that solidified that he was never a safe person. Upon returning home, he immediately messaged me. ďI think you should take Plan B. A baby would be a bad idea right now.Ē I was floored. Why would I need to take Plan B? As far as I knew, I was having protected sex. What did he do that I would need to take Plan B? Now, thankfully I am very aware of my cycle. I am aware of my body changes and I knew it wasnít possible for me to get pregnant at that time. So, I dodged a bullet. Hell, I dodged a damn cannon ball. But it very much changed how I feel about carrying a child that is a product of an AP. Iíve lost babies and it ruined me. But being tied to an AP the rest of my life. Especially one that is proven to not be safe. (And anyone that actively destroys a marriage, AP or WS, is NOT a safe person.) I couldnít do it. Itís not fair to that child. And your d-day is fresh. The roller coaster is just starting. I feel guilt about the kids I have with my BH. What theyíve had to endure. And these are my BHís actual kids. I had so many conflicting feelings about being pregnant again with a HB baby (also my BHís.) and knowing heíd be born to a life of pain and chaos. So many times I felt like it was selfish and wrong to keep him. I already ruined the family for the first kids, why should the baby not have a shot at a happy family? So many times, I found myself thinking I should find a real family for him. One not plagued by affair destruction. And I KNEW this was my BHís child and still struggled being pregnant. (We opted to do paternity test for his peace of mind, even though I knew there was no chance of it being APís.) Because the baby is my BHís, that obviously didnít become a choice. He would never be able to give up his child either. But I did think about it when things got bad, and they will get bad. Healing is not a linear process. You have no clue what lies ahead, regardless of what you decide.

Now, I donít know your WW. I donít know your pregnancy history or struggles to get/stay pregnant. I also donít know if this was a BC fail. So, keep that in mind before you read what I say next. I have a very hard time believing this was just an accident. You have 3 living children and your wife has multiple successful pregnancies, so clearly she knows she is able to conceive. As a woman, I know when itís safe and not safe to have unprotected sex with my BH. I havenít been on BC in years and we only got pregnant when we were trying with the first two living children. (HB baby was the exception. But trauma related sex + stress of d-day + added trauma post d-day. In hindsight, Iím not surprised it happened. My body betrayed me and the window of conception should have been closed.) A 4 week long affair and pregnancy just magically happens. So, in one month she lost track of her cycle and just accidentally decided to have unprotected sex when conception chances were high? I canít buy it. Sorry.

I see 2 scenarios. Either AP oopsed her with a child or she was purposefully careless. And now she knows the AP lied about his BW and their relationship. So sheís stuck with a pregnancy and is about to lose her marriage and stability. How would this pregnancy have played out if you didnít find out about the A? Would she have just left you for AP? Would she have let you raise a baby that isnít yours? The choice to raise a child thatís not yours is 100% up to you. It will take a lot of strength and you are still fresh to understanding what youíre about to face. I think you need more info before you jump into anything.

Butforthegrace posted 4/19/2021 08:24 AM

This morning my wife took a pregnancy test and it was positive. Thereís no chance itís mine.

There is a legal facet to this that will have profound, lifelong impact on you, your WW, and the child. In most states, when a married woman has a child, the child is legally presumed to be the husband's child. The laws of most states provide a NARROW window of opportunity for a betrayed husband to rebut paternity. Once that window has passed, the child is your financial and legal responsibility forever, even if you divorce your WW.

The logic behind this rule is a social engineering notion. Somebody has to take care of children. The first line of responsibility should be the parents (not the taxpayers), and the courts should not be tied up for years with legal proceedings figuring out who the parents are. It is efficient (from the perspective of the government and the courts) to fix that early, set it in stone, and never revisit it.

As a result of this structure, there are a lot of men out in the world legally forced to pay child support to ex-wives for the purpose of raising another man's child. That could be you if you don't take action NOW.

In addition, the law of most states gives the actual biological father rights to things like visitation, participating in health care and education decisions, etc. This is true even if the biological father is not the presumed legal father and is not paying child support.

Bottom line: you could potentially find yourself in a life where you are divorced from your WW, forced to pay child support for the other man's child, and the other man can force your ExWW to allow him to remain in her life as a "family member".

She said she doesnít want anything more to do with him.

That's not her choice to make. The law gives the father rights that your WW can't revoke. It's theoretically possible that she could keep it secret until the child was 18, but how likely is that given the close interconnection of her small town family and peer group?

Finally, there is the issue of the need for a child to know his biological parentage for purposes of his own health care regimen. Knowing what sorts of conditions and ailments one may inherit by biology is invaluable. It would be an injustice to the child to keep this from him/her.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 11:53 AM, April 19th (Monday)]

gmc94 posted 4/19/2021 10:11 AM

Agree with others in that you MUST seek legal advice as to the paternity situation.

I also think how this impacts your existing kids must be considered. Are you going to lie to them? Kids can pick up on a TON more than we give them credit for. And what happens if you lead them to believe it's your child and then the AP steps into the scene at some point (which absolutely can and DOES happen a lot more often than folks realize)? Not to mention that by lying to the existing kids you are now complicit in ways that give me goosebumps (and not in a good way)

I don't know you, but your reaction to all of this strikes me as some sort of severe trauma response (like disassociation) or significant codependency. Either way, seems to me that a good IC, with SOLID trauma experience & credentials would be a good place to start sorting that out.

And I'm with Iamtrash as to the "whoops" nature of all of this. While not every woman pays such close attention to her cycle, it sure sounds fishy to me.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 10:12 AM, April 19th, 2021 (Monday)]

BluerThanBlue posted 4/19/2021 10:38 AM

If you hadn't caught her cheating, she would've tried to pass of this baby as yours. Even now, she wants to hide her child's parentage.

She's betting--smartly, it seems-- that she can use your deep sense of duty toward your family as a way to manipulate you and ensure she gets the outcome that she wants... which is you sweeping this affair under the rug and raising her child with the AP.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 10:41 AM, April 19th (Monday)]

Booyah posted 4/19/2021 12:04 PM

Listen this is your life and you're going to do what you're going to do.

Sounds like you already had your mind up about R with your WW and it also sounds like her now being pregnant with OM child isn't going to change this.

Still behooves you to get legal advice asap!!

Have you truly thought this through?

Are you prepared to raise OM child and every time you look at this child to be reminded that it's a product of your wife's affair?

If you can great.

What if you can't?

What if you start off thinking you can and then you discover it's too much? And you didn't do anything from a legal standpoint and now you're raising this child till it's eighteen?

You have a lot to deal with and things going on simultaneously. Your WW has suffered no consequences thus far, and to be blunt, you've jumped into R. Now she's pregnant with another man's child.

True R isn't just about the WW willing to put the work in with IC but it's also about seeing results.

You have jumped the gun in my humble opinion and what if she proves to not be a safe partner or that you find that her A is in fact a deal breaker because the Triggers are too much and than add on you raising a baby from their?

Again it's your life but it isn't just you that has to live with the consequences....your other kids have to as well.

HellFire posted 4/19/2021 12:18 PM

Things are just so fresh. You really have no idea what happened during her affair, other than what she has told you. And cheaters lie.

What happens if OBS ends their marriage,and they divorce?

Right now, since she thinks OM isn't an option, she says she wants the marriage. What if OM becomes an option again? That is an entirely possible situation.

It is entirely possible that you will stay with her,and sign the BC. Then,he comes back around, and there she goes. Imagine having to pay child support for their child, divorced, and they are back together.

Many affairs don't simply end because a spouse finds out. Many go underground. Many have a cooling off period, then it starts up again.

As everyone has said, see an attorney. Your wife knows you're a nice guy. She knows your weaknesses. And she is counting on them.

Count me in as suspicious that she got pregnant on purpose. Women know their bodies. They know their cycle.

I get the impression that you think we are all just jaded,and you know better than any of us how infidelity works.

You are wrong.

[This message edited by HellFire at 12:21 PM, April 19th (Monday)]

Butforthegrace posted 4/19/2021 12:32 PM

Are you prepared to raise OM child and every time you look at this child to be reminded that it's a product of your wife's affair?

Here is another very real, very possible outcome:

You remain married to her. You raise the OM's child as your own.

At some point, the OM gets wind of the fact that he has a bastard with your WW. He brings legal proceedings for shared custody and other paternal rights. Suddenly, you have a blended family with OM as an unwanted in-law intruding into your family, taking his son to stay with him on weekends and such.

decaynus posted 4/19/2021 16:19 PM

Iím definitely aware of the roller coaster Iím on. Iíve already spoken to my lawyer and am getting the appropriate advice. My intention is to let the AP know my wife is pregnant to him, after Iíve received the advice. We will then figure out from there in what direction all this will take.

Iím under no illusion this is going to be a mountain in front of us. My wife has found herself a therapist to start seeing.

Thereís every chance I wonít be able to stay with her through this but right now I am just trying to provide the best care I can for my family (which includes my pregnant wife.)

Thanks everyone for your continued messages.

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