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Struggling with Whys

15yrsinthemaking posted 4/12/2021 16:02 PM

My story of infidelity, I met BS in the summer of 2005, I was 20 he was 24. When I met BS, I was already having sex with AP. BS and I started to date and a few weeks into dating he made it clear he didn't want to date me if I was going to be have sex with other people. I didn't stop seeing AP. This continued for 6 months. I ended it with AP on my own. During the 6 months of dating BS and having sex with AP my feelings flipped. Then the night came BS told me he Loved me. And I never slept with AP again. I ended my PA and ended all contact. BS didn't know about my PA until about a month after we moved in together and about 7 months after I ended the PA. He found out by reading my journal. He confronted me and I said yes I slept with him but I lied that I ever had feelings I said it was strictly FWB. AP had no emotional feelings towards me and I did like him. But I lied and said No I didn't have feeling for AP. At this point in time I'm 21 he is 25 and we were leaving together one month. We pushed through that. We never talked about it because I would panic and get defensive. And we still pushed through.
(My BS pointed out I monkey branched from AP to BS. After some reflection I can't deny that's what I did. My BS was made a plan B.)
Fast forward to 2013, I get a phone call from an "old friend" aka ex high school bf. And that sparked a 4 week EA. We texted all the time. We never saw each, never sent photos, never talked sexual or directly about feelings. I did develop feelings for him and instead of shutting it down. I continued to talk to EA and then I posted online on a forum, (missed connections) that I was having feeling for someone and that it wasn't my boyfriend. My BS did find this post when he used my phone the same night I posted. When he confronted me I lied and said yeah I wrote it but it was not to ex bf. I didn't talk about what happened and whenever BS tried I would get defensive and anxiety would run me over like a mac truck. We pushed on. Even before the night BS caught me he felt I was developing feeling for EA and I lied to him. I liked the way the new attention made me feel and I then persued it further. I for the second time in my relationship I made my BS a plan B. On the night of BS seeing my post we had sex and it was the first time I allowed BS to finish without a condom. I was high on adrenaline from making that post. I told my BS I was thinking about EA in Oct 2020. (I'm having a crappy time writing all this out)
We planned and had a baby got married before baby came. And then planned and had second baby all in 22 months. During that time we dealt with postpartum depression, moving, buying a car, breast feeding and income change. We just pushed on. During this time my BS would occasionally bring up my EA and I lied and rug swept. He was suffering and I was fearful and avoiding talking to him. He drank for a period of time and I was too scared to confront the elephant in the room. I just continued to be in fear and avoid what was coming.
Then we had a breaking point Sept / Oct 2020. BS finally asked me and demanded I tell him everything tell him to the truth. He just lost it and laid it all on the line. I told him yes I did have feeling for AP and when I posted online in 2013 it was to ex bf.
And since Sept/Oct 2020 we have been on a real rollercoaster. BS has not given up on me and we have never spent a night a part.
After my BS found out about the EA and I lied ... He wanted to believe me but he knew deep down and there was more. And I allowed him to feel like that and question himself for years.
I have done a lot of reading and deep thinking.
And I have learned a lot about myself. I'm a lier. I destroyed my BS. I no longer lie but I do not expect my BS to trust a word I say. But I do sincerely want to answer my whys.
I was self deserving, I was reckless with my health, my well-being my body and money. I wasn't following through with my school, technical college. When BS and I moved in together I dropped out of school and started working full time, in the field I was going to school for.
Entitled I dropped out even though school was paid for in full by my dad. I felt even though I started school and didn't want to finish I could. I was scared to tell my dad I was done with school. I didn't want to face his judgement or anger. I have an intense draw to lie or hide anything that will cause me to have to deal with anger or disappointment this is a change I'm activity working on. I remind myself I'm only in control of my emotional and reactions and I'm doing a crappy job at that. I'm confronting my fears on all front in my life. I'm becoming a person of integrity and honestly.
I'm having a problem giving my BS the why's that don't make him go well no shit tell me something I don't know.

**Edit to add: I'm still pushing myself to dig deeper and deeper for my whys. I have been having crazy nightmares and dreams... I'm remembering all sorts of the things from my childhood and from my relationship with my BS.
I'm seeing myself the lowest of low I'm very humbled by my BS and I see my fucked up ways. But most of all I want support my BS in any way I can. His wellbing and health and healing is my number one priority.***

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 4:10 PM, April 12th (Monday)]

15yrsinthemaking posted 4/12/2021 21:37 PM

Mods can you take off the stop sign. I would like to hear from everyone.

Jorge posted 4/12/2021 22:35 PM

My impression in looking at your previous posts is that you wish to transform who you are and become someone you haven't been. Have you started on that journey and if so, what have been the results for yourself and for your husband and marriage?

15yrsinthemaking posted 4/12/2021 23:36 PM

I'm living a life of integrity and learning a lot about myself. I'm creating new healthy life habits and seeking out information via podcast books and internet to help create healthy thinking.
I no longer lie. And I'm leading a life of humility and I working to me a safe person for my BS. My BS doesn't believe my words (why should he?) so with my actions I'm showing my I'm improving one sunrise at a time.
I'm facing my fears I no longer run and avoid my fears.
I have slipped and didn't follow through with a promise I made my BS. I know I can't do that no matter what. I'm living under a microscope of integrity and follow through.
I want to support my BS in every way I can. At the moment he's not talking to me. So I'm showing with my actions I can control my emotions and he can count on me to know I will follow through with my routine. I write notes to let BS know what I'm doing and where I'm going.
I have also shared all log info, I share location and BS has complete access to my phone and laptop.
I'm living my life like an open book.
I just hope I'm not too late

wifehad5 posted 4/13/2021 12:12 PM

The Stop Sign has been removed. Betrayed Spouses can now respond.

15yrsinthemaking posted 4/14/2021 14:13 PM

I'm in the middle of a fucking break down. I just gave my BS his last and final D day. This time was the first time I truly came clean on it all. He won't talk to me I don't blame him. He is in pain. I want to help but he will not come near me. He doesn't want to talk to me.
I don't want to be me.
My BS is in so much pain... I know telling him these things are supposed to help him but he is in so much pain now. He won't let me near him and he doesn't want to talk to me. I don't blame him. How do I help him? How do I show him I'm no longer that dangerous person. I told him everything now everything. What is next where do we go? What do I do for him?

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 2:19 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 4/14/2021 14:30 PM

I just gave my BS his last and final D day.
Not trying to swing a 2x4 here - but read your very first post here on SI, in which you say:
I donít want to lie
That was last December... it's now mid-April.

Your post of 2 days ago talks about you living with integrity and under a microscope.... yet he just got another dday. This thread began about the issues getting to your whys. Yet there is another dday, and your own story in this thread includes:

He wanted to believe me but he knew deep down and there was more. And I allowed him to feel like that and question himself for years.
You've known for months that any lies, withholding, TT, etc could have SERIOUS and significant consequences. And yet... another dday.

What's up with that?

He has to protect himself and focus on that.

If you are contemplating self harm, I am BEGGING you to call the suicide hotline (800-273-8255). Read my tagline and you'll see why. Not one fucking day in nearly 3 years do I not see that image of what I found and wonder what would have happened if I hadn't heard a funny noise that prompted me to look for him.

[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:32 PM, April 14th, 2021 (Wednesday)]

15yrsinthemaking posted 4/14/2021 14:48 PM

Gmc, thank you I'm not thinking of harming myself but no I don't want to be me.

He does need to protect himself.

Is there anything I should do when he won't come near me?

How do I help him?

I don't trust my instincts

I continued to withhold and lie about my A because I was scared of what is going on now. But I'm here and I have no more lies. And I know i said that before but for fucking sure I have nothing to hide. I'm not hiding in fear and avoiding my truth. I'm not a good person

[This message edited by 15yrsinthemaking at 2:52 PM, April 14th (Wednesday)]

gmc94 posted 4/14/2021 16:29 PM

To put it bluntly, not sure you CAN help him right now.
You can NOT control his feelings. No matter how much you want to, just not possible. You are your own person and he is his own person. And I'm betting that he is seriously re-traumatized by the continued gaslighting and deceit. IMO, a WS who continues to deceive their BS after dday - after bearing WITNESS to the unimaginable pain of that - might as well still be sleeping with their AP. It is stunningly disrespectful to another human - moreso than the A itself.

You aren't the 1st WS to be in the shoes you now wear. And it's up to you to figure out how to walk in them. Time to put on your big girl pants.

At the end of the day, you made another selfish choice - the choice to continue to take away your BS' agency... the choice of your own comfort instead of showing respect for your BS. I know that's harsh, and I apologize that I don't have another lens through which to view it.

Your challenge is to manage the shame, truly (and I mean in your head, your heart, and your BONES kind of way) own those choices, and find ways to cope with that and to focus on YOU and the person YOU want to be.

The good news is that you did make a healthy choice by coming clean (assuming what you now post is accurate). That is a good start.

sisoon posted 4/15/2021 11:16 AM

My BS is in so much pain...
You can't do much of anything about that. The best thing you can do is to focus on yourself instead of on him and truly come clean.

I suspect you are focusing on your H in order to take heat off yourself.

You have chronicled a life of lying. Healing for you involves breaking down the barriers to being truthful that are within you. I don't mean that you need to find out why you lie. I mean you need to figure out how to tell the truth, always.

I'm not saying the work is easy. It's not. It's worth doing, though.

You may not be able to save your M, but if you become an honest person, you open up all sorts of possibilities for a joyful life in which you you both give and get - and a life in which you don't have to fear discovery of any lies you told.

Again, I know the road ahead is painful for you, but it's going to be a lot less painful than continuing to lie.


You may think/fear that no one will like the real you. In fact, the real you is much more likeable than the false you. Really - just take that on faith until you see the truth.

You have to experience the consequences of your actions, so if you start telling the truth, life may not get better immediately.

You'll probably need the help of a good IC to stay the course. As I say, it's not easy to switch from betrayer to good partner, but you can do it, and you'll be happy you did.

[This message edited by sisoon at 11:22 AM, April 15th (Thursday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 4/15/2021 13:23 PM


Good for you for deciding to lay everything out there. As hard as it was, it will feel better having the truth out.

Trickle truth can be hard for anyone to want to believe anything more you say. It will take a lot of hard work and actions on your part to demonstrate that you are changing and being truthful.

Go to the top of the Wayward Side forum and read the first and only pinned post. It may help you in the coming days.

RocketRaccoon posted 4/16/2021 00:13 AM

Is there anything I should do when he won't come near me?

Ask yourself why he won't go near you (it will be very obvious, and most posters will be able to tell you the obvious answer). Then ask 'why' again once you get to the answer of that initial 'why', then keep asking 'why' to yourself to dig deeper.

You will know the answers, as you know them deep down. With that knowledge, you will have a better idea of what to do.

The BS will always ask 'why' to the WS, but it will not be as powerful as the WS asking themselves a hard 'why'.

Derpmeister posted 4/18/2021 12:18 PM

You may want to consider part of you is enjoying the validation it gives that he is willing to put up with your crap.

If you want to truly not make it about you, give him the option to have someone on the side for those kind of periods.

I know that comes of as a lunatic's response it's very different from what most will tell you.
It's my current mental position and I may be wrong, it's a very personally tailored opinion that may change soon.
Point being is all of us react and deal differently with infidelity.

I myself I have identified I fall into the it's a; "relationship is over moment".
This is because, as hard as I want to forgive and am a forgiving person, I learned the hard way getting over this kind of stuff is close to impossible for me.
Which is a horrible thing, and I don't want to feel that.
But the humiliation for me seems to be unrecoverable.
Some BS have divorced and felt like they were "cleansed" after sleeping with someone else and reclaiming their autonomy.
It is my fear I fall in that camp, as I forever feel like I'm cycling with training wheels while my wife has transgressed the borders of our relationship and is keeping me on the sidewalk while walking in the road.
Forever stuck a in mental carousel of the "pick me dance", giving away my power and autonomy, never reclaiming it, just staying afloat and on a bad day going under and gasping for air when I come back up.

People want to emphasise these feelings as "revenge affairs", and it's imho a ridiculous over-simplification of a feeling like your partner carries your testicles in her purse.
I hope your husband has the emotional strength to not feel that.
But I'm not one of those people, and he may not be.
Letting him return the favour may be the worst choice too.
I've not acted on it, have "permission" but it's a strained process where I blame myself for immaturity while being unable to shake that humiliation for 14 years fyi.

HellFire posted 4/18/2021 17:47 PM

What was the new info? How severe was the TT?

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 4/19/2021 05:49 AM

If you want to truly not make it about you, give him the option to have someone on the side for those kind of periods.

Iím speaking as a member, not a moderator when I tell you that this is terrible advice. Iíve seen how this can play out multiple times. It never ends well. It only adds complication and pain to an already complicated and painful situation.

Let him have his space, but make it clear that you are there when he is ready. Keep working on your whys. He may not want to be near you, but I guarantee he is paying attention. Show him through actions that you are working to be a better person.

Hippo16 posted 4/19/2021 06:53 AM


you posted last year:

3 weeks ago I stopped the lies. I know I can't rush any of this process

Last Wednesday you say:

I just gave my BS his last and final D day.

There are lies - untruths or whatever you choose to name them

lies spoken

lies of omission - often couched in an answer worded very specific to a question that should have "all" the information related in the answer. Some pertinent and related information NOT given in the answer -

I am thinking your husband has you right now assessed with a trust value of zero or even minus.

Just how much more do you think he will take before he quits the idea of maintaining a live-together relationship?

A short story - sort of allegory

I paid a man & his crew to build a room - the framing, roof structure, siding/windows/doors.

I came home from work one day and looking over the framing - ??? I did a double-take on the roof. I looked at the plan/drawings I had provided to the man. Well, he had measured wrong - the pitch (slope) of the roof was wrong.

To fix, he had to disassemble the entire roofing framing. That was a days work to disassemble and another day - and some more lumber - to reassemble with the correct pitch.

So YOU Have built a roof with the wrong pitch and now you have to rebuild with the correct pitch.

You have to collect all you have said/written/or ?? in your past and correct all the information with the lies noted and the correct information provided for every instance of untruth.

A new timeline? I would use the timeline to outline all of your "corrections."

Give it to him and pray he reads. If he harbors any love left for you - he will read. If the love left is enough - maybe it will regrow into something more and begin the long time of work to make your relationship return to a "marriage."

From what you have posted you have years of dis-information (of sorts) to correct. Your path is long -

It is NEVER OK to have a third person in a marriage relationship.

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