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I'm going to lose it

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 14:43 PM

So when my divorce began I told my STBXWW that if we do the required 50/50 split of assets, I can't afford to keep the house (State of CT requires 5050). She was agreeable to something less so I could keep the house and the kids would be better off...but...then she spoke to her attorney. Now she wants 50% of everything.

I told her we have to sell the house. She says I'm being vindictive. She looks out for her own best interest and it's "you go girl." I look out for my best interests and I'm the bad guy.

She says it's not fair. She stabbed me in the back, then whines about what's fair. It's a little hard to take.

He brother and sister in law invited her to the outer banks later this month to "cheer her up." She cheated on me but she's the one who needs cheering up. The sick, twisted mind of a cheater.

Meanwhile I'm still living with her. There are no houses available in my town in our price range and they are going quick (we both will stay in town so the kids can finish high school). There are also no apartments available that will take a dog (I need to take my little buddy with me).

I've been living in hell for 11 months and there is no end in sight....I'm going to fucking lose it. I need some words of wisdom here. Please help me, I don't know how much more I can take.

To add insult to injury I was talking to my attorney on Friday. I told her I can't keep the house, STBXWW is not walking away with a fat check from me while I get stuck with a house that needs work. She (my attorney) said something about me wanting to "punish her." I sensed attitude and maybe a little anti male bias. When someone says to hire a "shark attorney" isn't that what they mean? Hire someone who is going to punish your opponent? WTF kind of comment is that to make? From someone who is supposed to be on my side.

I'm going to fucking lose it. I don't know how much more I can take.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 2:58 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/4/2021 15:09 PM

I'm in the same boat here, except my brother is refinancing the house with me so we are (barely) in the clear there. She's walking away with 105k in cash and no debts while I'm strapped with losing all the equity in the house we'd built up in 7 years in a long seller's market.

I talked to a female attorney as well, I was not impressed with her at all, and it did feel like she was treating me like the bad guy. Never called her back after the free consultation.

One piece of advice I got, from the divorce court clerk of all places, was that even in a 50/50 state (CO is as well) you can still work out a deal with payments. You don't have to instantly have all assets split perfectly on the divorce date. For instance if I kept the house and owed her money after the refi, we could sign a document (approved by the court) that I would owe her $x for $x months to make up the difference. I was fortunate in that the numbers came up to the point where I would be getting just about the same amount of cash from the refi as is owed her, but I also had that option. Not sure if your state allows the same thing. A "competent" attorney would be able to tell you. I also know here in CO we were assigned a person in the court who can answer questions and help with advice on mediation (an actual mediator costs $200 an hour).

Is she going to leave after the divorce is final, or just mooching at this point? If there's any way to keep the house, even if someone has to help you, I'd do it. That way, on the divorce decree day, you can kick her out. Then sell the house when she's gone, and it's easier to concentrate on such things. That's the problem I'm having, with the STBXW here in the house constantly in contact with the AP it's hard to focus on practical matters.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 3:17 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 15:16 PM

Thanks for the post betrayedgamer


That's funny...that's about what I would owe my STBXWW. I told my attorney that there is no fucking way she is walking away with a 6 figure check and stick me with a house that needs work. No fucking way.

CT would allow the payment option, but I'm not doing that either. I'm tied to her by the kids as it is...I'm cutting all ties that I can. I'm not staying connected to her via a payment plan.

I'm living in a fucking nightmare and I can't wake up. Just when I think things can't get any worse, they do.

I'm in such a horrible position right now and I can't get out no matter what I do.

God, please help me.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 3:17 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/4/2021 15:20 PM

Well it seems like the quickest way out is to sell the house. It's not a punishment or revenge, it's simple math.

Could you/would you want to reverse it and let her keep the house? Then you walk away with the cash? What is she expecting if she's treating the house sale like a punishment, if neither of you could afford to stay with a 50/50 split?

Minnesota posted 4/4/2021 15:48 PM

Take a step and breathe. Just breathe. Things look shitty. They are shitty. But you will get through this. Breathe. Take a walk. Breathe. Sounds cheesy and if I were in your position I might tell me to take a f-ing walk off a bridge and stuff my breathing up my ass. -

But it is good advice.

Your lawyer- Have a frank discussion with her. It's just business. Decide if she is the right one for you. Tell her how she seems. You don't have to go in all accusatory and loaded for bear, but just matter of fact. "It feels like this to me... __________ and I wonder if you want to represent me. Etc." She works for you. Until she doesn't.

The house- Doesn't matter if it looks like you're being vindictive. You know the truth. It's just business. If you need to sell the house, you need to sell the house. Sucks. But that's the way you can split 50/50. Unless there's another way to do it. So if you have to sell it, now is the time to do it (at least in my market)- But you're right, while it's the time to sell, it s NOT the time to buy.... depending on how much equity you have. I have an extra room and rent it out. For lower than others rent, and I have had some doozies. But the kid I have now, (who I do not necessarily like) doesn't have any chemical dependency issues and pays pretty much on time. - And it makes it affordable. I'm on the edge a lot of months, but it works. Maybe you can find something for you. Maybe an old lady from church rents out her basement. Maybe there IS a nearby apartment that will let you have your dog.

But also, admit right now that you're not going to get everything you want. Sucks.

Take a step back. Breathe. Take a walk.

You're going to be ok.

Marz posted 4/4/2021 16:00 PM

Ignoring is a great option. You donít have to listen to the cheater BS.

Iíd ask my attorney whoís side are you on?

[This message edited by Marz at 4:01 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 16:01 PM

She doesn't want the house. Doesn't want the maintenance, mowing, snow in the winter (it's a long driveway), etc.

Selling the house will likely be the easy part...it's finding 2 houses or apartments after that.

And the math really is very simple. It has been from the beginning...I tried to tell her that...I will give you $xx,000 and you go away...she said, no i don't know that much about it, I have to talk to my attorney. Then she wanted property appraisals...didn't matter to me what the appraisal said...my number was my number, I'm not budging. Appraisals come in, my number is still the same. Now it's let's get quotes on what it would cost to improve the house...fuck that...no more wasting time, sell as is...I'm so sick of waiting. Someone get me out of this fucking hell.

Thanks for reading my vent.

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 16:05 PM

Thanks Minnesota and Marz. I appreciate the posts.

Calmer at the moment.

Yes, I'm going to have to speak with my attorney. I think it's going to go something like...

"Your comment about punishing my STBXWW concerns me...what did you mean by that?"

BetrayedGamer posted 4/4/2021 16:07 PM

Is either lawyer telling you you have to include home improvement/repairs? Or just the appraiser for the sale?

There should be two categories: Things that need to be done for the sale of the house (which would be split 50/50) and things either of you would like to improve, those should not be mandatory. I think you could also post an "as is" sale, that will drop the value a bit but may be easier in the short term.

On the lawyer thing, is this like a 1 person operation or a firm? I wonder if you could pull the same sort of deal like at a doctor's office and request a male?

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 4:09 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

Graphite posted 4/4/2021 16:08 PM

Hi DanielJK, sorry it is so hard right now. I know that feeling well, how much more of this can I endure. You have always been very clear that getting out of infidelity is your end game, you can look forward to your own space without her lying presence polluting the air you breathe. You will get to the other side.

Try and separate out the injustice of it from the knowledge you will get free of her one day soon.
I don't know how the practicalities will resolve but I would not be surprised if she relents in some way in the coming days. The change of stance may not last, it might just be her last hurrah before leaving you in peace.
Detach a moment, be with your dog.
The lawyer thing is infuriating. They can fail to grasp that you need them to be in your corner emotionally. Tell her it didn't feel like she was being your attorney. After the way your wife has behaved you don't need to be pulled up about fairness.
These knots of shittiness happen after infidelity. I've just had a rough 48 hours for some reason.
But you will find it will move a bit in a few days, the intractability will shift a little.

Marz posted 4/4/2021 16:16 PM

Your attorney works for you. Apparently sheís forgetting that.

Iíd promptly remind her ass. Not so subtly either.

[This message edited by Marz at 4:17 PM, April 4th (Sunday)]

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 16:21 PM

The improvements idea was actually from my attorney. She suggested getting quotes on improvements to show that her number needs to come down. I said no. Maybe I'm being too stubborn, but my number is the number I'm comfortable with. She can take it or leave it...I'm not wasting more time with quotes. I'm done, I just want out of this fucking mess. To be honest, I actually felt a sense of relief when I told my attorney that it was no deal, sell the house...it needs a lot of work and the amount of work it needs really stresses me out. When I think about it, I'm fine with downsizing to something that does not need so much work, and I might actually be able to save some money in the bank. I think the sense of relief that came makes me want to sell the house regardless.

Still not sure what to do about the lawyer. There are several, I suppose I could ask for someone else.

Thanks for the input...this is really calming me down.

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 16:24 PM

Thank you, Graphite.

I always appreciate your support.

I know you've felt the pain...been there done that. Very hard to detach.

I hope both of us find peace soon.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 6:45 AM, April 5th (Monday)]

BetrayedGamer posted 4/4/2021 16:48 PM

About the final number situation...you have to look at it that you are in a war right now. I'm fortunate in that my STBXWW is lazy as hell, she called a few lawyer offices but never even set up a consultation. She wants me to just do everything, says she "trusts me", and do all the divorce paperwork without lawyers. I made up a little sheet showing the value of the house, our debts, and what the numbers would be splitting the value of the house, and she agreed to the numbers. I probably could have gotten a better deal (considering she makes more than me, contributed to a pension) by going in fighting, but I'm ok with one less stressor. I can run the divorce show so she can spend every moment of her free time chatting with the AP.

I think a good strategy is to try and picture her lawyer as a conniving snake, looking to screw you over as much as possible. He/she may not be, but if you attack the problem with that mindset, you wont get caught blindsided by anything else. Ask your lawyer about worst case scenarios that she can throw at you, then set up plans if any of them come to pass. Lastly, IMO I'd be open to moving the numbers around, within reason, if she gets D fatigue and is willing to agree on things without a mediator or a court appearance. An extra $3000 in lawyer/court costs to save a couple hundred or $1000 doesn't make sense.

DanielJK posted 4/4/2021 17:11 PM


Selling the house works in my favor and against her because she has an equity stake in her mother's house. That's illiquid money that counts against her. I have cash in the form of a gift from my father. That amount is reduced by her equity position in the house...so she doesn't get half of it. I will end up with much more cash after the house sells. She's rolling the dice on what our house will sell for...she could end up with less cash than what I offered. Like I said, the house needs work, we may have to sell it for less than the appraisal.

The pool is not up to code, the septic system us 43 years old, the water tank makes a loud noise when he water is running (honestly that would have to be fixed before it is listed), the shed is falling apart (it would be embarrassing to have to sell the house with he shed looking the way it does), the kitchen is original 1978 (laminate is peeling off the countertops), the master bathroom was literally put together with scrap wood from the build (the vanity is particle board painted white)...it needs a lot of work.

Marz posted 4/4/2021 17:32 PM

Still not sure what to do about the lawyer. There are several, I suppose I could ask for someone else.

I wouldnít have someone like that in my corner. If there are more attorneys in the firm. Request another. Donít put up with bull shit. Youíre paying for this. Get what you want/ need.

ShutterHappy posted 4/4/2021 18:47 PM

My XWW was earning close to minimum wage and I had an engineer salary. She cheated but I still had to give half. The courts donít care if she cheated or not.

Just go for something around 50% and tell yourself itís a small price to pay to get rid of a cheater. You may want to sell the house, you lived in it with her and you want to get rid of those memories.

On the upside, thereís nothing preventing you to meet, one day, a decent divorced woman who got half the stuff of her cheater. . Lose half your stuff, gain half the stuff of someone else

leafields posted 4/4/2021 21:35 PM

So sorry, Daniel. Others have given you good advice. I just wanted to say hang in there. Yes, it sucks, but you're getting closer to being out of the M.

Tigersrule77 posted 4/5/2021 06:46 AM

She says it's not fair. She stabbed me in the back, then whines about what's fair. It's a little hard to take.

Don't try to understand the mind of a cheater. They twist things in ways that us sane people would never understand.

I agree with Marz. Ignore. Have minimal contact.

Your house sounds like the ideal type of place for a flipper. List it as is and GTFO. Your STBXWW is due half the proceeds of the sale. Don't waste your time with repairs if you don't have to. It is a seller's market and I imagine you'll find someone to buy it.

She can take it or leave it...I'm not wasting more time with quotes. I'm done, I just want out of this fucking mess.

You have the right idea. Focus on yourself and your healing. What she wants is no longer your responsibility. If it is not in your best interest, ignore it.

My only consolation to you is that my XWW was so anxious for the D to take place, she asked the judge to waive the waiting period requirement, as she was pregnant by another man (not an AP that I know of, but still). From what my kids tell me, she now constantly complains about how hard she works for what she is paid, her baby daddy may or may not work full time (together at least 5 years, but not married yet), spends money constantly, and my kids complain that they don't spend much time with their mother. That is what she traded for over our M where she worked part time, was finishing school, didn't have to worry about the bills being paid, etc. Wasn't perfect by any means, but I think she regrets it. I suspect your WW will find that life is not so easy after the D.

Butforthegrace posted 4/5/2021 09:22 AM

You're cutting off your nose to spite your face. All settlement negotiations in litigation must begin from the point of "what would a court likely do in a trial?" Courts won't give much weight to you testifying "my number is my number." A judge is likely to view that as the statement of a stubborn ass. Courts will give credence to estimates from third parties with no stake in the divorce. Get the estimates.

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