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The truth about ďhealingĒ

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Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 06:55 AM

The truth about ďHealingĒ
Now that itís safe, Iím going to tell you the truth about Hallmackís healing. I know thereís some Reddit hoppers that would love to continue to carry on about ďhow I was never R material and they just always knewĒ or say my posts are a lie. Reality is that I have been honest, open, and transparent for quite some time. And when I came here with posts shining about the progress we were making, itís because thatís what I was made to believe. I didnít just think I was doing the right shit. We werenít fighting. We were working through issues and having hard conversations peacefully. I thought we could make it because thatís what it seemed was happening. We were functioning as a family. He was being present which I appreciated and loved.

Reality is, Hallmack has done little to nothing to help himself. He went to IC for a bit because he was forced to. He quit as soon as he could. He self medicates with weed and spends his days pain shopping. He tried EDMR a bit and decided it wasnít for him. Never sought out further PTSD support. He has been a ticking bomb and while some of you will say I deserve whatever he had to dish out, I didnít. Nor did our children. He has snapped on more than one occasion, but I certainly donít see any ownership of that. Some people in here were encouraging and egging on his anger with 0 consideration for the safety of our family. Be angry, he has every right to be angry. He did not have the right to threaten my life and put his hands on me. (Fake DV charges, thatís a joke. And now itís my fault that he couldnít keep his hands to himself.) You can say I should have left. Yep. I could have. But he had our kids and was acting completely abnormal. He wouldnít let me take them to my late grandmotherís house and take time to cool off. Do I think he would have hurt them? No. But I also didnít think he would hurt me in a million years. No one is going to leave their kids alone with someone acting the way he was. Truth is, we were fighting all day. And yeah, I was still badly in the fog. But I came home. I left him alone. Went into my sonís room. Didnít say a word to him. He came into my sonís room. Started asking vulgar affair questions and making vulgar affair statements to our autistic son. When I wouldnít leave, he put his hands on me. When I tried to call his mom for help to get him to calm down, he held me down on the bed while our son was screaming ďdonít kill my mom.Ē I bit him as he had me pinned down to the bed. He was so mad he ďdoesnít rememberĒ a lot of that night. But Iíll never forget it. Even as I left, he opened up our babyís piss diaper and rubbed it in my face. Anyone who says I deserved that, youíre part of the problem.

I did nothing right at the start of this and I own it 100%. I also own that it took me a long time to finally do what was right and helpful for him. He did eventually get everything he wanted and more. He got my full honesty. It just didnít matter because he had created his own narrative. (Thatís my fault. I own that fully.) Including things that people here were adamant happened but didnít actually happen. To say I wasnít trying is a complete joke. It may not have been enough compared to the damage, but I have been trying hard for a long time. Reality is, he has become a monster. And while this might be par for PTSD, itís not deserved. Iíve walked on eggshells for a long time, trying not to anger him. But nothing I do is right. I do exactly what he says, Iím wrong. I change what I do because he said what I did is wrong, heís mad again. Heís telling me what he needs from me and then when I do it, he says he changed his mind and I fucked up again. He wonít tell you how many times he spent hours screaming at me. Getting in my face and screaming ďwhoreĒ at the top of his lungs. Losing his shit and breaking things. Whenever he gets loud, even if itís just him being funny, our 3 year old sits by me and says to him, ďDonít yell at my mom.Ē Our autistic son still brings up the fact that he found some of his toys broken downstairs as a result of a fit. He will act and react in terrible ways. Tell me itís my fault and I deserve it. Then apologize hours later. Bet he didnít mention any of that.

I thought we were doing ok. Then he was cold for a solid 2 weeks. So yeah, I did finally pressure him to make a choice. He reached out to my AP again and found more pain. (My AP is a sick fuck. He wants to hurt people. He was never going to be like, ďHey, man. Iím sorry.Ē) You can say Iím lying, but Iím not. Whatever my AP sent was a complete surprise to me. I donít remember it. Not even a little. I have replayed the affair over and over and I canít even remember when this could have happened. And thatís scary to me. Because what else donít I remember. After that he chose divorce. Yep, I had a very dark few days. I was text bombing him. I wanted to die. He let me think I was doing things right only to tear it away. When I told him I had appreciated his presence with our family, he told me, ďIt was nothing more than the pick-me dance. I hated every moment.Ē He went off on me about how he gave up his ďcareerĒ (You know, the job he hated that had no retirement, time off, or benefits. The career that forced him back to work the day after I came home with our son, forcing a PPD riddled, first time mom to fend for herself all day long worth no help or support.) He referred to our son as ďYOUR baby that YOU wanted.Ē Mind you, our son can hear and isnít stupid. Yes. I have had several days of texting him nonstop. Reason, I told him I wouldnít quit and is fight to the end. Accepting this, to me, is quitting again. And even though heís not the same person, I feel I owe it to show I donít want this. Even as heís telling me his goal is to move out and immediately find someone to fuck (his words), Iím still trying to fight for our family. He had access to literally everything on my phone, including my account here. He still thinks that I am talking to my AP and just hiding it. I will never know what my AP said to him in their last correspondence and I donít particularly care. But I have not spoken to that animal in close to two years. At this point I really donít care if he believes me.

He is trapped here. At the start, he calmly said if his presence was hindering my healing, heíd go to his momís Once he realized that his credit is garbage, living alone is expensive, and people donít want to rent to someone with a record, he tune changed to ďIíll leave when I am ready toĒ and ďYouíre not going to tell me what to do anymore.Ē Mind you, this is my inherited home. Not marital property. I canít speak in my own home. I have to hide in my own home. I have to do therapy in my car because he isnít safe to be around. I am in a constant state of panic in my own home. His inability to care for himself has become my problem. I busted my ass for the job I have and where I am today. Me. Myself. I worked and paid for it. I made choices that allowed me to have independence. But now itís somehow my fault that he needs a co-signer. Itís my fault that he works jobs that donít take care of him. Heís not trapped here because of me. (And take the misdemeanor charge out of it. I wonít own your poor financial choices from before I knew you.)

Last night was the icing on the cake. Heís still sleeping with me. And Iím stupid enough to let him. We got high together. (If you canít beat them, join them.) Heís made it clear that itís just sex. No feelings involved. And sure, why not let myself be used and hurt. Last night he gave me a complete mind fuck. Wanted me to beg him for sex. I played along. He was saying he wanted to feel desired. We were outside, higher than a kite. I kept begging him for sex because I did want him to feel desired sexually. He kept laughing and saying no. Telling me he hadnít made up his mind. I finally broke down. Was this genuinely him wanting to feel desired? Was it a test? What did he want. I started to cry and he goes ďYeah. Weíre not having sex. Youíre upset.Ē I lost it. I wasnít doing anything except feeding into his sick game. I went inside and sobbed alone in my bed. What did I do wrong now? He was punishing me for him messing with me. After awhile he came in and apologized. Told me that he knew he had become a monster and this is why we needed to divorce. Because he wasnít capable of being decent anymore. Things got calm and stupid me still had sex with him. While he was having sex with me, heís telling me how ďHe needs to fuck someone else.Ē (His new favorite game is to ask me about when he leaves, how fast will I drive over to have sex with him.) Heís telling me Iím still going to come over and do him even after he fucks other women. Heís telling me Iím going to be his ex wife that still sucks his dick. Mind you, this is while heís having sex with me.

I left him alone all day. He messaged me a few times because he wanted me to go get him weed. (Itís legally obtained.) Was making it dramatic because I told him Iíd go when he got home, he needed to give me cash. (I donít feel comfortable touching anything of his. Over the last few weeks, he is misplacing his things, accusing me of hiding them, then finding them on his own. In places HE put them.) That was it. Didnít bother him further. As my work day ended, I felt a panic attack start. I have been adamant that thereís no rush to be out as long as he can be civil. But the night before had my mind completely messed up. I finally texted him. I was dreading coming home. I wanted to discuss needing to stop being cruel. That conversation was a complete bust. Of course, I was ďbotheringĒ him again when he needs me to stop. He was completely irrational while claiming he was calm. I was referred to as ďhis thing to useĒ. Told I deserved to be abused. When I tried to address his cruel game from the previous night, he told me ďI only apologized because I still wanted sex lol.Ē (Oddly enough, thatís the kind of shit my AP would do when he was mad at me. Make a comment that was rude and follow it up with lol. Hallmack didnít know that, but he is literally doing things my AP did.) Told me ďyouíll be sucking my cock again real soon.Ē ďIím tired of pretending like I donít hate you.Ē I was terrified for him to come home. Thankfully my MIL was getting our older sons. She was there. I chose to leave with the baby to give him space. Idk if he would have allowed me to leave or let me take the baby if she hadnít been there. A few hours later, he texts me a very calm text. Telling me he wonít bother me, heís sorry I donít feel comfy in my home, that heís trying to get out, that I need to be patient and text less because he canít take it.

He thinks I hated him. That I always hated him. I didnít. Not even during the affair. I am a fucked up person that looked for emotional gratification in fucked up ways. It was wrong and he didnít deserve to be cheated on. But now. Now I do hate him. He is a sick person. ďYour monsterĒ is what he refers to himself as. I will own what I did and the damage I did. I will not own his refusal to heal and get help. I hate him for going above and beyond to try and harm me. I hate him for the emotional games he is playing. I hate him for not doing this right after d-day.

He thinks I never loved him. I loved him the best way I knew how. Looking back, it wasnít healthy love. He married me, knowing I wanted kids and he didnít. I wonít lie. He did try to make me happy. There was no making someone like me happy and nor was it his responsibility. Yeah, he gave me the children I wanted. And he spent years resenting me for it. (I didnít want cruises and diamonds and vacations. I wanted a family with two parents that wanted them more than anything.) He was never a bad dad. He does love them and care for them. I just wish it could have been done without the resentment. Without reminding me ďthis is what YOU wantedĒ when things got tough. I never knew I had PPD. He didnít call me out about it until after d-day. He admitted that he purposely didnít help with our 2nd child (terrible sleeper) because he wanted to show me that I got what I demanded. So you knew I was mentally deteriorating and just let me suffer? When I look back to when the affair started, I can pinpoint two traumatic events. First, I found out the grandma that raised me was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I was also fresh out of having a baby and dealing with PPD I didnít recognize I had. (Our HB baby I knew I had PPD and I immediately got on meds. It made a difference. Even as my life was falling apart and my grandma was actively dying.) These arenít excuses. But it makes sense as to why I completely snapped. He claims he loved me and I meant everything him and thatís why this betrayal is the worst. Because I was his forever and would never hurt him like that. I believe him, I just wish he had told me these things. I never believed he loved me but I sure as hell believed he resented me. Yes, he did a lot of things right. I will give him credit for that.

I should have done the right thing and divorced him years ago. I should have divorced him when he resented me for wanting kids. I should have divorced him when he fought me tooth and nail about wanting to get our son evaluated for autism because I was just ďtoo sensitive.Ē I should have divorced him when I realized we could never be good to one another. I wasnít a good wife. I own that. There was no making me happy. I lashed out towards him. (I smacked him in the back of the head once and on another occasion knocked hot food out of his hands during a fight. Iím abusive too.) I should have divorced him instead of cheating. I chose to hurt him completely and nothing I say changes that. Nothing he did or didnít do deserved the extent of betrayal I put him through.

I own that I have been a garbage wife. I own that we have been terrible to one another even before this. I have seen myself as the monster. And I did commit to change. Maybe it was too little too late. Maybe the damage was too severe. But I did try. And I tried out of love. I did recognize my idea of love wasnít normal or healthy over the years and I wanted to show him I was capable of loving and appreciating him the way he is. I have. Truly. When he was fighting to stay in control, I thanked him. I thanked him for calmly having tough conversations. I thanked him for being here and trying. To say I didnít put any effort in is wrong. I own that I started doing everything wrong after d-day. It didnít stay that way. For the first time in my life with him I loved and appreciated him for who he is. Even completely broken and angry I still wanted him and wanted to fight to be with him. Sad part, I likely would have put up with this for the rest of my life because I felt I owe it to him. Because I have convinced myself that I deserve to be tormented and emotionally abused as a result of what I did to abuse him.

There is nothing left to save and thereís no way for me to help him anymore. He is going to have to figure it out and I hope he does. The children need a healthy father and I know if he cannot get it together any relationship he has moving forward is also going to be hindered by this pain. To those of you, both BS and WS alike, that have offered genuine support and kind words since D-day, thank you. Even if you didnít always get a response your words did not go unnoticed or unheard. To those of you that have done nothing more than hop between here and Reddit, sent messages encouraging violence and hate, told him that I deserved everything heís done, and convinced him of narratives that never happened, shame on you. Again, I know there are WS and BS that contributed. This man was laying on the floor with shattered legs and instead of offering to help him up you stood on his legs while claiming you cared about his well-being. Caring about his well-being would have been encouraging him to get help. It would have been encouraging him to not react in violent ways. Instead he got flooded with a bunch of people telling him ďI told you soĒand ďshe was never worthy of reconciliation.Ē Not sure how you thought that would help him. You have your own personal agenda of pain as a result of betrayal. What you did not take into consideration is that while you wanted me to suffer you ended up hurting three innocent children by encouraging the things that you encouraged. Iím sure what I say has no meaning to the ones that participated in this because you are clearly people that thrive off of the drama and suffering of others. Hurt people hurt people. He got his revenge on me at the expense of our children watching us suffer.

I am not a victim to my decision to cheat. My husband is the victim to that. But to say that I deserve to suffer the rest of my life is wrong. To say that I am incapable of change is wrong. I tried and I failed to save my marriage. Now itís time to heal from this completely. There are several people that know the full extent of what I did. Literally everything. Those people have still chosen to support my healing as a human being. They still support his healing. I worry for my husband. I worry because I know he doesnít have the support that I have. I tried to be that support but I know it meant nothing coming from me. I hope with everything in me that heís right. That being away from me will be the solution to all of his pain and triggers. And if heís wrong I hope he gets help. He doesnít deserve to suffer either.

And to those that will, without a doubt, run to him and message him and continuously tell him that you were right about me and I deserved all this and more, and you just ďcare about his well beingĒ. I hope you know you are only hurting him now. Thatís the beauty of accepting divorce. Again, if you actually care and want his suffering to stop, youíll let it go. Being ďrightĒ does nothing to benefit you but it does everything to hurt him.

I tried. I failed. Time to heal.

Edited to add: Heís not a wife beater. Heís never given me a black eye or a busted lip. And until this, he was never violent. But to say he didnít touch me isnít true.

[This message edited by Iamtrash at 8:50 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

TheLostOne2020 posted 4/2/2021 07:28 AM

No stop sign.

So the truth is that not everyone can survive their partner cheating on them. Just like it takes the WW effort and determination to change it would take the betrayed effort and determination to process everything.

From what I can tell it's far more common that the marriage dissolves than gets repaired. That's the fundamental truth about destroying the foundations of a marriage through cheating - it probably won't get repaired.

He's at the stage where he won't and doesn't believe you. To be blunt, you've given him reason not to. He can't see past that.

Putting that aside, you can do all the work in the world, you can reform and change, and if he's not doing his work then the marriage is doomed to fail. Cheating is not a license for him to put his hands on you. It's not a license to self destruct.

I would try to amicably divorce at this point.

Hippo16 posted 4/2/2021 07:48 AM

I am not a victim to my decision to cheat. My husband is the victim to that. But to say that I deserve to suffer the rest of my life is wrong. To say that I am incapable of change is wrong. I tried and I failed to save my marriage.

You have to fix yourself and first on the to-do list will be to figure out how to appreciate who you are and want to be.

Your spouse has his own barge-load of problems and he has to fix himself.

A sinking marriage takes two willing partners working together to plug the holes and pump out the swampwater. You cannot do the job by yourself.

foreverlabeled posted 4/2/2021 08:17 AM

I saw so much of myself in this post. I don't know how much of my story you witnessed but it was like reading it all over again. I'm sorry for all this pain, I know it too well.

Sad part, I likely would have put up with this for the rest of my life because I felt I owe it to him
yeah this was me too. I stayed when he humiliated me through sex, knocked me out,and I guess cheating on me throughout our relationship wasn't enough he had to make sure I knew he found and fucked another woman. Honestly of all things that was my breaking point.

But like you, I thought none of this would even be a thing if I did cheat on him. So I tried to be brave and tough it out in hopes things would level out. That he would see the need to do some of his own healing. I left when he got a girlfriend. I wasn't going to compete. After our separation he lied to me he convinced me to come back that he will change. It only lasted 2 months and I knew I made a mistake.

Anyway, I'm just here to say I get it. Sometimes you have to throw in the towel, even if its the last thing you want to do. And it fucking sucks. It hurts like hell. It took me a long time to recover and heal. So, I'm very sorry for you both.

hikingout posted 4/2/2021 08:44 AM

Hi IAT -

I am sorry to hear all that. I can relate to parts of this. Especially:

And when I came here with posts shining about the progress we were making, itís because thatís what I was made to believe.

I feel the same way.

As for some of this sexual stuff, and him pushing your limits - you need to put up your boundaries here. Allowing yourself to be sexually humiliated is not going to help him. Instead, it's going to reinforce to him the ways in which he sees your sexuality as sinister.

I can understand on one hand, he is pushing you as far as he can because he wants to see how much you will accept. Not consciously - it's more of a very toxic test of your love and loyalty.

I think you have to become loyal to yourself and love yourself. This is actually how you rise above that. And honestly, while he may rage I tend to think he is making it impossible to regain respect of you by wanting to sexually humiliate you. You have to respect yourself and command respect from others.

My husband doesn't do those sorts of things, but by cheating on me in my house with another woman, it's similiar. Some of the sexual humiliation has been tamer than yours. I will not have sex now without connection, intimacy, consideration. That's just how it has to be - I am responsible for my own healing.

I am sharing that all just to say you are not alone. You can get through this. I still pray for Hallmack and hope he can get the help he needs as he is certainly a tortured soul who is obviously in a lot of pain. I can tell you that the trauma experienced in infidelity can also pull back in past traumatic experiences. I think that's what is happening here to him and while I do not dismiss the pain of infidelity, this is bringing a lot forward for him - and I agree he needs to get professional help for himself. I am guessing he's stopped in the past because he sees it as getting help to be able to stay and his shame and rage is making him not want to do that type of exercise. But, if you are truly separating perhaps he will decide that he needs to do something for him. This is where true change can happen, change for anyone has to be about them and I think he keeps framing it as getting help to keep your family together.

However, I agree with you - you do deserve to heal, and you should pursue that as much as possible. You are not going to be able to heal and become whole in this environment. I think he's going to need to face this for himself as well. Please do not become the exwife that goes over to give him head. You need to become the woman you know you can be, focus on you and those kids. You can't save him, only he can decide to save himself.

Go to IC, and be the woman who protects herself and her boundaries.

[This message edited by hikingout at 8:45 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

MorbidCuriosity posted 4/2/2021 09:01 AM

What a vicious cycle cheating creates. You are a cheater and you deserve what a cheater deserves (no one knows what that is) but you do not deserve to be treated this way. He is doing exactly what a broken person will do. Hurt, humiliate, betray, cheat and all the other things a broken person do.

Allow me to be arrogant enough to think I am able to be in his shoes. He is currently trying to hurt you the way you hurt him by betraying him. There is no scale to indicate how much hurt that is so he will never ever be satisfied with the pain he is putting you through. The sexual humiliation, physical and emotional abuse is justified in his own head. But he will never be satisfied.

I believe the ONLY way he will be satisfied is if you are truly and wholehearted in love with him and he betrays you and cheats on you like you did him. I feel like this is what he is trying to do at first. But that is never going to happen because like you said, he is never going to believe you loved him ever. Just like what foreverlabeled went through. Hence the cycle continues.

At this point, this broken thing is never going to be fixed. Sad to say, whether healing is possible or not this feels like its a checkmate where the story will never have a happy ending. The only out is to write a whole new story and not everyone is fortunate enough to do that. I really hope you two are.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/2/2021 09:13 AM

IamTrash, for every person that piled on you, there was at least one that was reaching out to you and telling you your situation was not OK and you didnít have to stick around to be abused or have your kids witness an abusive household.

But then you would get really hostile toward ANYONE who even hinted that he was doing something wrong or was criticizing how he was handling the situation.

Maybe itís because you felt compelled to defend him because you knew he was monitoring your posts, reading your private messages... and even responding from your account. Until your post today, I had resolved not to bother interacting with you anymore because I wasnít sure if it would be him or you responding inauthentically because you knew he would be reading every word.

But since youíre now feeling comfortable enough to express your frustrations, what support are you looking for? Are you raging against the people you feel were attacking you? Do you need to vent? Do you need advice on how to navigate your divorce or separation? A combination of any of these?

There isnít a wrong answer; I just think it would be good to know what your goals are so you can get the responses that are most helpful for what you need.

Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 09:37 AM

I suppose itís a vent. I am hurt and angry. Iím angry with myself, with him, with the people that egged on and encouraged his rage.

And is suppose itís a combo of needs. I need to move forward. I was holding onto love and hope. I was holding onto wanting to help him. We were in agreement about custody and I hope we can make the next moves and stick to them. I want this done. I want to stop living this nightmare and peace to start.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/2/2021 10:02 AM

I'm not sure what you want here. This post, to me, comes across as you want everyone to know that he is monster. That you were less of a monster and a victim.

IAT...no one deserves to be abused..PERIOD. FULL STOP.

Members here continually reached out to you and to him. And BOTH of you decided to ignore advice and go down the path.

This post doesn't seem like a woman who wants and needs support. It seems like a vengeful way to ensure that your spouse and SI members are read the riot act.

You want him to be accountable for his choices (him agreeing to children)...but want no responsibility for CHOOSING a man you knew didn't want them. He made a choice...and didn't want the consequences but so did you.

I see two incredibly wounded people who got married expecting the other to patch thier wounds.

I hope that you two can heal separately and give your children the mom and dad they deserve.

More importantly...YOU deserve to be healthy and happy. You deserve peace. You deserve the best that life has to give. So does Hallmark

hikingout posted 4/2/2021 10:06 AM

All these feelings are completely normal. Just keep making the next best step for you, and the kids.

I completely understand how it is to hope it will get better. It's a vicious cycle for you - things get better, and then worse, and every time it gets worse it cycles to worse than it was the last time in the cycle.

I do think that some of the BTW crowd did say terribly inflammatory things. However, Hallmack has to work on himself and take accountability for his own actions. Some people have said some really horrible scenarios to me in PM about my husband's cheating. I could choose to listen or choose to decide that those people only know what I write here and they have not been in the marriage with us for the last decades. Nor are they in IC with us. I am incredibly thankful for this place, but not everyone on this site has good advice to give because they are also struggling and in pain and have their own vendettas and healing to do. My point is - it's on Hallmack what he's decided to do, what he's decided to listen to. Just like your actions are on you.

At the end of the day, there is a lot of help and helpful people who can be found on this site too. And there are other things to be ignored. I hope you will stay and continue to think about ways you can heal. If not, I hope you will continue with therapy and using any resources to build yourself again from all of this. I have thought a lot about how we betray our own selves in cheating because it's never in our best interest to do so - continue to dig on why those were your choices, not for punishment, but because some of the healing will be to understand where those choices come from. Not because you are all bad, shameful or whatever - but because when you can understand the things holding you back and work through them you will find yourself rising to a higher level of wisdom. You deserve that for yourself, and your kids need that too.

humantrampoline posted 4/2/2021 10:16 AM


I'm sorry for all the pain you are dealing with right now. I use Reddit, and I assume you are talking about some infidelity subreddit. Their demographic skews young and often has a different perspective. I've never been harassed there or here. That is awful. I hope you find peace.

I'm so sorry for your children.

He married me, knowing I wanted kids and he didnít.

Will you consider instead that you married him, knowing he didn't want kids and you did?

This was my frame of reference with my husband. We began to get serious, and he discussed a large family. I told him I did not want children and instead wished to focus on my career. We split for a few months, and he eventually agreed to accept that.

5-6 years later, I changed my mind. It's my best decision ever. I love having children. I do feel that an agreement on the conditions of marriage is a mutual agreement where both parties are responsible for their decision.

I don't think it's his responsibility that you agreed to marriage understanding his terms. I don't think it's your responsibility that he eventually agreed to having children if he truly didn't want them. Your husband should have taken himself to the physician for a vasectomy if he felt that strongly about it.

This is no way to raise children. I'm sad for you both. You also both need to take responsibility for your decisions.

HellFire posted 4/2/2021 10:44 AM

Because it is against the rules, I can not share what Hallmack told me in private messages.

The fight you are speaking of, was a topic of conversation. The only thing that was the same in both stories, was that you bit him. What led up to the altercation, and what happened during, was completely different than what he told me.

I never encouraged violence. Not once. What I did tell him was to report it to the police. I said this in jfo.

I also told him, on his thread, before that fight, to get a VAR. Because wayward wives are notorious for reporting false DV. And that infuriated you. I would think that a VAR would have helped you more than him, considering your retelling of what happened above.

We can only respond to what is written here,as Hiking said. Betrayed spouses tend to believe other BS, because waywards have already established themselves as liars.

I do believe you. The details you describe are very clear. And I've lived in a marriage just like this,so it rings all too true.

Again, we can only respond to what is being told to us. Just as a WS can come on here, and lie about their situation, and other WS believe it,and offer advice based on the content of their posts, BS do the same.

I am sorry he did any of that. No, you didn't deserve it. Him having you beg him to fuck you is one of the most humiliating things I've read in these forums. That's horrible.

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:47 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 11:00 AM


I accept you can only respond to what you are told. When HM had to leave the apartment, I wrote him a letter that he found days later. I detailed all that happened. Yep. I sure did bite him. He was restraining me. He eventually admitted to me that he was in such rage, there were things he forgot. It is what it is.

You and I donít see things eye to eye. And immediately after d-day, I saw you as an enemy. You never were my enemy and I certainly donít blame you or point at you for encouraging violence. You didnít, but there certainly are people that did. And there are still people that, to this day, continue to fan the flames of a very angry man. Claiming how much they ďcare.Ē There is no accountability for fueling the fire of someone as angry as my BH. People make comments and itís HM that suffers. And when he suffers, the whole house suffers.

Thatís what needs to stop. When you (not you personally) want to hop between here and Reddit, play spy, make comments that are unnecessary (and that he also called out someone for doing), you are only causing him more harm.

HellFire posted 4/2/2021 11:04 AM

When you (not you personally) want to hop between here and Reddit, play spy, make comments that are unnecessary (and that he also called out someone for doing), you are only causing him more harm

I agree.

He did say you bit him. But he didn't say he was restraining you.

I apologize, sincerely, for believing you were the one who was attacking,and thinking he was the victim.

You and I donít see things eye to eye

I think you'd be surprised.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:05 AM, April 2nd (Friday)]

Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 11:09 AM

He was an emotional victim that day. We were fighting and I wasnít owning my wrongs and the pain I put him through. I did trigger his rage.

I still didnít deserve to be confronted, in my son's room, while we played Legos. I didnít deserve to be told if I came home ďit would be a blood bathĒ and ďthat I better just call the cops right now.Ē And people may say, ďWell why did you go home?Ē Because I needed to make sure my children were safe. And I did just that. I avoided him. I didnít confront him. There was no stopping what he did.

BluerThanBlue posted 4/2/2021 11:20 AM

The people who are invested trolling you and site hopping donít care about the turmoil happening in your house; they are living out revenge fantasies through your husband. You flipping out at them is just feeding into their prurient interest in your relationship.

You need to focus on giving your kids a safe, stable, and peaceful environment. It doesnít matter who initiated which fight... they have to end. You and HM need to extract yourselves from each other physically and emotionally. If you can part ways amicably, that would be ideal. If you canít, then you should communicate only through intermediaries. Most importantly you need to start living a part as soon as possible... I realize itís logistically challenging at the moment (especially with an infant) but given the volatility of your current home life, itís absolutely necessary. It doesnít seem like you, him, or your kids donít know when the bomb is going to go off at any moment.

Iamtrash posted 4/2/2021 11:51 AM

BTB. Agreed. 100%.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/2/2021 13:16 PM


I work with abuse victims. His behavior is not okay. Leave.

However, in this thread....again I want to ask what do you NEED? It seems like you need validation that he is an awful abusive person.

You have been validated...by the people on this thread (as we cannot atone for anyone else) that his abuse of you is wrong.
It almost if you are saying you want the world to see how much of monster he is...and that you are too.

You are seemingly responding to an audience...you want to correct their perception or take responsibility for their hand in his/your choices.

Those people(and I use that loosely) didn't care then...and they don't care now. You and Hallmark weren't the first people they preyed on...nor will you be last(unfortunately).

As stated earlier...YOU deserve peace and happiness. Hallmark deserves peace and happiness. And your babies deserve it above all.

This audience your trying to correct or convince....are NOT worthy of seeing your story. Don't bother to correct or defend...you are working on your peace. Because YOU deserve it.

prissy4lyfe posted 4/2/2021 13:16 PM


[This message edited by prissy4lyfe at 1:21 PM, April 2nd (Friday)]

prissy4lyfe posted 4/2/2021 13:18 PM


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