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4 years gone

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Goneagain (original poster New Member #78595) posted at 12:45 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Was in deeply committed 4 year relationship with a woman same age as me we had everything and more in common she loved me i love her and still do i bought a ring and was ready to get on one knee and propose. Last year around the summer she started acting different. She started acting very angry and irritated making very crazy choices that shes never done would start arguments for nothing she would even call the police on me say accuse me of things i never did i even recorded these events to show i did nothing wrong the police would always release me after integrating me they i did nothing. She would say shes sorry nd i would forgive her. Than she started spending lest time with me be gone for days only come back home when she needed rest nd to shower get ready for work and than be gone for days again coming back only to sleep for days sometimes. I still cook for nd take care of her i just thought she was feeling guilty or going through some personal things. After that some how she ended up in the ER i called her had no idea was worried like mad she told me she hurt her hand at work i believed her. Wasnt til the day she got released from the hospital that i found out the truth. I was cleaning the home for her and i found awhole lot of used needles. She was shooting up drugs and had been using drugs the kind that makes you crazy and stay awake for days. When she got back i confronted her about it and she said yeah she been using and thats why she really ended up in the ER. I tried to be normal and forgive her nd help but she refuse to quit using and actually took off and used some more the day she got released. She also told me she was pregnant the hospital dis blood test. I figured that would be the light she would stop and we would have a family or began something new. But no. She kept using eventually started cheating on me with her dealers never spending time with me she was always high i begged her to stop for the babys sake but she told she got a abortion and dont worry about it. She end up leaving me for her drug dealer and she calls me every now and than telling me hes real abusive and misses me than when i do actually see her and try to work things out she always is just not right in the head. I took it very hard started drinking heavely and still am i got kicked out were i was living because i cant afford the rent now so im just staying wherever i can and trying to find another home. But to be honest i she was my home the home i never had. I was always lonely as kid and teen never had a steady home had no mother around to love me think thats why i got so attach to her so much. We havent seen each other in about 2 months. I seen her out of the blue and she totally forgot me forgot my voice my name everything like how could you? Shes doing drugs and just doesnt love me or want anything to do with me after all the love and affection i gave her. Now. Just torn to shreds. Nothing makes me happy. I just want her back but she dont want me. What was i what did i do. I feel lost without her. Just trying to stay afloat above the sea of alcohol im consuming now

A
avn

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 1st, 2021   ·   location: Phoenix Az
id 8647364
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This0is0Fine ( Member #72277) posted at 12:58 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

You gotta get clean and detatch from her.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1326   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8647366
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Notthevictem ( Member #44389) posted at 1:32 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

When people become addicts, they change. That's not the same woman you used to know. I'd call her family and let them know, if you have a relationship with them. Then I'd break away.

It's hard to love someone like that. But ya need to let her go. She's already let you go.

It'll hurt for a while, but not forever. You will heal and love again.

Wishing you strength!

BH: Me 37
WW: Her 41
DDAY Mar 2014

posts: 13360   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2014   ·   location: Florida
id 8647374
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Hippo16 ( Member #52440) posted at 2:13 AM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Dude:

You have been given a "get lost" on a silver platter

I just want her back but she dont want me.

when someone goes into drugs - their mind is altered and they "can't see their face in a mirror."

Are you sure this is the only female you will ever have a chance of being attracted to and (well, in the past) attracted to you?

Nah - get free of her and start socializing - you will find lots of decent girls (ladies if you are particular about nouns for the fairer sex)

Not Just Friends

posts: 546   ·   registered: Mar. 26th, 2016   ·   location: OBX
id 8647377
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annb ( Member #22386) posted at 9:19 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Hi, I think you are dodging a huge bullet. You don't want "her" back, you want the person you THOUGHT she was back.

Please get yourself into AA and sober up. There are good women out there who would appreciate a guy who treats them well.

She's an addict, and unless she wants to change, she won't. You cannot fix her but you can fix yourself.

Find a good hobby and get out and meet people, and QUIT the drinking. Your physical and mental health will improve. Get some exercise if possible.

You can do this....

posts: 11257   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8647719
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Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 11:34 PM on Friday, April 2nd, 2021

Get yourself some really good therapy. The rest of your life depends on it. You won’t be happy in yourself until you fix what was done to you as a child. It’s gonna take some deep work on the place of you and your therapist. I constantly recommend EMDR because it does some deep digging into things that happened to children. Please take care of yourself first. Don’t look for relationships until you love yourself.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2903   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8647744
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Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:36 AM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

Brother RUN !! fast ! and don't forget to get tested for STDs ASAP !!!

posts: 2410   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018
id 8648121
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Bonetired ( Member #78518) posted at 10:32 AM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

Her AP is the drugs.That is sadly what she loves.It isn't anything you did or can do.It isn't that any of the other men are any better or worse.For her she has become attached to that high willing to sacrifice anything for the next one.Including the baby and you.Anything.For her it's not just a choice anylonger.It's a need.Addiction is such an ugly disease.Those who dive into it initially believe they have control but drugs are deceptive.Without knowing that control is lost and the drugs control you.You won't know or want to know when it's happening .It does however.It strips away a person's life until everything is gone.You seem like a faithful individual who doesn't deserve what you are going through.Stop punishing yourself.Stop spinning the thought of why around and around in your head.Don't go down that road and destroy yourself.You have value.You deserve love.However you must first love yourself enough to forgive whatever you believe is wrong with you.It's time to turn your attention elsewhere.It's time to let her go.When we get to the point where we are so damaged as to where you are now.We can't move into something healthier until we are healthier.Any relationship be it new or old will only be damaged as well.I hope you find the help you need for you.I am so sorry you lost this love of your life to drugs.

posts: 340   ·   registered: Mar. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Grand Rapids
id 8648130
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 2:11 PM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

She might still be in love with you. I really doubt it based on her activities. I believe she is now in love and owned by drugs. That is all that matters to her. And her lifeline in life, the one that can truly deliver: the drug dealer.

And, when she's broke, he'll consider taking it out on the trade. She is in all likelihood whoring herself out, at least to him, to continue her drug addiction. When she gets too expensive (in drugs), the dealer will get rid of her.

She isn't coming back to the person she was. Not ever. That ship has sailed and this level of addiction is very simply incurable. Whether she refrains from further use, she'll still be an addict and the drive to start up use will always be there.

You are in a fog thinking this relationship can be what it was before all the drug use. That is over and the sooner you accept it, the better. She comes at this cost to you: she will destroy your life if you continue with her.

[This message edited by rugswept at 8:12 AM, April 5th (Monday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8648142
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cancuncrushed ( Member #28156) posted at 3:06 PM on Monday, April 5th, 2021

I agree with all the advice given . You also need to work on you. This was hard for me to see in myself. After all I gave all of myself.

My situation is similiar. My exwh became an alcoholic. Chronic alcoholic. I came to SI because I was unaware and the first symptoms were cheating. Then serial cheating. Alcoholism. Chronic alcoholism. His personality changed at each level. I could not get through to him. His brain was changed. In fact. It was damaged. Proven by m r I

I couldn’t understand why I was so rejected. I had done my best. And tried harder each time. This had nothing to do with me. There’s nothing I could do to stop this self destruction he was in. I took it personally. I wanted things to return back to what I thought we had.

It’s called trauma bonding. It does a number on you. You have to understand you did nothing to cause this. It’s their issue. You can’t change it.

I was neglected as a child. My parents were alcoholics. I have never been loved in a healthy manner. So when I loose love I am especially hurt. I’ve wanted it for so long. I worked very hard at it. Even though it was not healthy. It was all I had. I never like being single. Alone. I fight for it. I can’t fight his issues. His problems. His choices. This part is my problem. It’s a vicious circle. With no hope.

You can find new relationship. It’s not easy. Don’t settle. There are good people out there. I haven’t found one yet. But I believe. I accept some love experiences are toxic. I’ve had enough of toxic. It takes time. See your part in this relationship. Sometimes we give to hopeless situations.

I was married 36 years. The last 12 were hell. For the time we had invested together I held on. I tried. He became so very cruel. Laughing about cheating. Demented. We have been separated 3 years. Divorced 2. He is still cruel. Like he doesn’t remember our marriage I’m his number one enemy. His brain is significantly damaged. As his other organs. Nobody ever got through to him.

Looking back now. This had nothing to do with affairs. Our marriage. Me. This was all about addiction. How addiction destroys. The rest were symptoms from addiction. It’s that strong. The road was tough. Don’t let it grab you.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:26 AM, April 5th (Monday)]

a trigger yesterday

posts: 4729   ·   registered: Apr. 6th, 2010   ·   location: athome
id 8648149
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Westway ( Member #71747) posted at 1:33 PM on Wednesday, April 7th, 2021

Stop thinking this is the only woman you can love or who can love you. There are millions of women on this planet and you are settling for a junkie.

Block her and stop talking to her. Get yourself cleaned up, find your purpose and stay on task with making yourself into the best man you can be.

You lost her brother. Mourn that loss, but cut ties and move on.

Me: 52;

XWW: 50 y.o. serial cheater

Married 22 years, Together 24
2 Daughters: aged 16 and 20
DDay: 9/20/19
Divorced 12/03/20.

posts: 1366   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8648549
Topic is Sleeping.
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