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How to remove AP from life when you can't fully remove them?

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HellFire posted 4/1/2021 08:31 AM

You know that she's let him back in the house because he's promised to reform for the sake of their child.


Correction..that is what OM has told her. The truth is,most likely, he has gone back to his wife because that's who he wants to be with,and is trying desperately to make his marriage work. He has probably thrown OP under the bus. Yes, he is still sexting OP, because he doesn't want to give up his fun. He is is typical cake eater.

But, the absolute truth here is that OP knows NOTHING about OBS, their marriage,or what AP is doing with his wife.

OP, you seem to believe OM will want to be a part of the children's lives. His wife may very well tell him, he is more than welcome to do so, but that she can not tolerate that in HER life, and he is free to have those kids in his life,but if that is his decision, they will divorce. And he may very well choose to stay in the marriage. He will legally pay child support, but he may not have any contact with them otherwise.

You are not the only one with hard decisions to make.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:32 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 4/1/2021 10:24 AM

Correction..that is what OM has told her. The truth is,most likely, he has gone back to his wife because that's who he wants to be with,and is trying desperately to make his marriage work.
if he's still sexting OP, he's not trying very desperately, is he?

But I take your point. I'm not arguing that he'd really be dumping his wife if it weren't for their child. Plenty of APs claim they're ready to leave a marriage when they have zero interest in doing so. I was more illustrating the depravity of him claiming that he persuaded the OBS to give him another chance "for the sake of their family" while secretly continuing to offer to dump that family and start a new one with OP. Whether he's lying to OBS, to OP, or to both of them, OP shouldn't be enabling it.

HellFire posted 4/1/2021 10:42 AM

if he's still sexting OP, he's not trying very desperately, is he?

We see it all the time, though. WS is going to IC, crying, being more loving, and the BS thinks they want to save the marriage. Meanwhile they're still in contact with AP.

My point was, though worded badly, is that OP has no idea what is going on with OM, OBS, and their marriage. She only knows what he tells her, and he's a proven liar.

The "I went back for my child" BS is extremely common.

gmc94 posted 4/1/2021 11:40 AM

BW here (and I'd echo others saying if you want to limit responses to waywards, ask the mods to add a stop sign.

Whether he's lying to OBS, to OP, or to both of them, OP shouldn't be enabling it
I absolutely agree. You need to tell the OBS everything you know. Ideally, it would be your BH who does this, but if he's not willing - and not willing to do it NOW - it is incumbent upon you to do so. To give her back her REALITY. I truly believe that as long as any WS is willing to let another human being live a lie, they are still wayward - whether they are having sex outside the M or not, the faulty thinking of a WS is still there. It's not change or healing or growth - it's maintaining a mindset and actions that are traumatic to another human being. Every MINUTE you allow the charade to continue, you are a complicit in the emotional torture of a fellow human being. So you do it because it's the right thing to do, because it's the right thing to do for a woman you have harmed in ways most folks are unable to ever really comprehend, and because as awful it may sound and as hard as it may be, it actually helps YOU in the long run - it helps YOU change from the unhealthy dynamics of engaging in an A to someone that recognizes they made some horrible choices but wants to do better.

As to removing AP? You do it by going NC. No texts, no sexts, no CONTACT at all. When the babies are born and paternity is established, your lawyer will advise how to proceed. If the AP is the father, then your attorney can file a paternity action and the custody/support will be determined in that context. You don't know what the AP will do if he is the father, and you have NO control over that, any more than you can control what your BH will do if HE is the father. By having an affair with a married man, you have participated in life altering trajectories of two marriages and two families. You cannot change that. However, you CAN change yourself, figure out how to become a person of integrity... a person who is guided by honesty and candor.

I don't say this to judge or shame you. Change is HARD effing work. Looking at past actions and really digging into the damage to others and to YOURSELF, is hard AF. Shame doesn't help - it keeps us in endless loops of self loathing and not change. Doing the first healthy thing, and following it up with the next healthy thing is the path to change. You'll make missteps -it's part of the course. But the more you change the stinkin thinkin and the behaviors that come with that, the more you grow.

Godspeed.

HopefulTelephone posted 4/1/2021 12:25 PM

Read your other thread as well. The disregard and, honestly, sheer hatred you had for your husband in that thread was difficult to read. You were convinced this was an exit affair, and it seemed you had trouble even considering it an act of cheating at all since you wanted nothing to do with your marriage. Your refusal to have your husband's children seemed to be your evidence that you've wanted out of your marriage for much longer than the A had been going on. What's changed since then? How do you reconcile these feelings that you put to words only weeks ago with you now seeking R?

GrayShades posted 4/1/2021 12:34 PM

So far there's been no contact between me and the wife.

You speak of her as if she is only an object. You might want to address your apparent lack of empathy in therapy. She's likely going through hell, and you played a part in that hell.

WalkingHome posted 4/1/2021 12:57 PM

On the plus side, while you had an affair and made horrible choices, you are at least trying to apply integrity to the clean up process. That is more than most waywards...so you are doing as good as you can likely do.


I will echo the need to contact your AP's BW. He is a liar, still trying to contact you, and still deceiving her. There is no way he told the full truth and she certainly doesn't know he is actively reaching out.


Your issue with him will resolve about 30 seconds after you call her and apologize while explaining you are pregnant with her husband's babies.


Call her today. Don't wait.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 4/1/2021 17:25 PM

GiveTimeTime, you have a pm.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 4/1/2021 17:38 PM

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BetterNowReally posted 4/1/2021 20:21 PM

C,

I am a betrayed spouse, but don't worry: I am not here to bash you. I would like to help if I can. I followed you on the other forum, and I truly am rooting for you and for your husband.

It will be difficult for you and your husband to reconcile, but not impossible.

My wife and I are very successfully reconciling and I am happy about it. I say this because if we can do it, I think just about anyone can.

I understand that some of the things you did were some of the most difficult things from which a man can hope to recover.

However, I think my wife was way worse, and we are making it. She had three affairs with three different men. She hid two of the affairs for over twenty years. As to the third affair, I caught her, but she hid most of the details and the full nature and extent of that affair for over thirteen years. She deceived me and lied to my face many times. When she finally fully confessed, she then immediately insisted that we never discuss it ever again. She left me for one of the affair partners, but did come back the next day, but only because he told her he did not want a real relationship with her, just sex. She brought one of the affair partners into our home and had sex with him in our marital bed more than once and with our two little children right across the narrow hallway in their bedroom hopefully sleeping. After all that, she treated me horribly for the next couple of decades to the point that one of our daughters was convinced there was a medical/psychological problem with her because of how nasty she was to me and insisted that she see her doctor and that she (daughter) went along to make sure my wife told the truth. During all this time, she was never truly remorseful and never empathetic. She felt guilty and ashamed, but did nothing to understand my pain or to help me in any way. That's not even everything, but I think you get the idea.

I stayed with her throughout all of that for some pretty stupid reasons to be honest with you. I had considered leaving when the kids all moved out but the youngest did not "launch" right after becoming an "adult" and then when she finally did she was troubled and then died of a drug overdose. So I had just taken it for a long time.

But after our daughter died, I reevaluated my life, made some serious changes, and got into therapy. I finally got to the point of leaving. Lo and behold, she then changed. She not only became a model wife, she got therapy, get remorseful, and allowed me to open up to her and she opened up to me. I know many people re and were skeptical, but she has been very consistent for close to a year and a half to two years now.

I say all this to say that you that you and your husband can succeed if you both want to reconcile. However, it will not be easy.

There is a lot I could say to your husband about things that helped me, but he is not the one on here. I can say that reconciling under such tough circumstances is not for the fainthearted to try, but I get the impression your husband is a very strong man.

So, I am going to tell you some things my wife did that I feel really made a difference in me changing my mind and deciding to give her a chance and then to decide to want to stay with.

She became more honest and open. The deception and lies hurt me badly, way more than the sex. She not only got honest and open about the affairs but also more so in general. She came to understand that she could not lie about anything and keep me. I had my fill. She was a bigtime liar before. She would lie about anything, but she would also especially lie to me if she thought the truth would upset me. She is still working on this, but she understands that I need the truth and need to and can handle it as an adult.

She became empathetic. She came to understand the depth of the hurt and damage she caused. She apologized sincerely and specifically and often and still does so on occasions to this day. She checks in me occasionally if she can see I am having a tough time.

She became interested in me and very attentive. She focused on spending time with me, really talking with me and doing things with me. We both discovered that we really do enjoy each other once the effort to connect started.

She does and says things to help me feel good about myself. Having someone you love more than anyone or anything in the world betray and hurt you is devastating to a person's confidence and sense of worth.

She really has become everything I ever really wanted from her as a wife.

If you want to successfully reconcile with your husband, I think you need to open, honest, empathetic, compassionate, apologetic, remorseful, interested, attentive, devoted, and affirming. It all has to be sincere. It must be shown through words and actions. You will also have to be willing to accept a range of wide and varied and extreme emotions. You have to be willing to talk when he wants to talk. You have to leave him alone when he wants to be left alone. You have to answers his questions and some of them more than once. If this sounds extremely hard, that is because it is. If you are unwilling to do ALL of this, you should let the poor guy go. If you are wiling to put everything into ALL of this and believe you can do it, then give it a try and good luck to you.

And actually, he may not even want to try. I hope he will give it a go if you can commit to everything above. I believe, like many others who have commented on your threads, that your husband really does love you a lot. He is just hurt, angry, confused, sad, etc., and understandably so. Believe me I know how he feels. But deep down, despite everything terrible she did, I have always loved my wife, pretty much from when I first met. I think your husband loves you the same way.

Freeme posted 4/2/2021 09:24 AM

If you take out prayers and wishes what is the real chance the twins are your husbands? What is the chance that they are OM's? It looks like you are so focused on them being your husbands that you aren't getting prepared for them not to be.

We have seen similar situations on SI a few times they normally turn out to be OM's.

My concern is that you are going to manipulate (for lack of a better word) your husband into thinking the babies are his. This is going to be a huge blow to everyone if they are not.

You need to either prepare OM for the baby by letting the OBS know what is going on. Or get an amino done so you know who's children they are. You only have to test one of the twins as they will have the same father. If you find out from the test they are your husbands you two can work out what you want... if they are OM then you go that route.

Read up on amino's part of the reason there is a very slight risk of miscarrage is because they are normally done for people that are more likely to have a cromozonal abnormality in their child. Older parents. Also, do you know all about OM medical history? Could he have a family history of a specific genetic condition?

I had a singlton and then twins 18 months later. Even the easiest twins are difficult because there is only one of you. They are expensive because it hard to breast feed two babies. I got almost no sleep those first few years. I had two healthy eight pound boys and no problems during the pregnancy and it was still difficult.

The more you can be prepared prior to the birth the better.

trexor92 posted 4/4/2021 00:15 AM

C, I'm a bs and I followed your story on the other website. My issue is that you act like you want to spare your husband pain, hardship, and inconvenience but you are actively engaging and pursuing the thing that is going to cause him pain, suffering, and inconvenience. For weeks I see you talk about all the hardships and undue burden having the babies would cause even though you are actively choosing to have them. Do you see the irony in this situation? In your posts, I feel like you ignore the fact that your choice to keep these babies is more or less the cause of your husband's hardships. I want to be clear that I'm not telling you what to do as your mind is already made up but I just wished you'd be more forthcoming that you are pursuing motherhood at the expense of your husband

newlife03 posted 4/6/2021 18:00 PM

BS here, no Stop Sign.

Message him, with your husband approving the message before its sent. Tell him he is not to have any contact with you,in any way. That once the babies are born, a paternity test can be done and then it will be decided how he will be in the children's lives. Until then, absolutely NC.
And message his wife, and tell her her husband has continued to contact you,and send her a copy of the message you sent him.

Then block him on everything.

This! You can remove the AP from your life if you truly want to. It's not about the unborn children at this point, but about what you want. Like others have said, when the babies are born, seek the attorney for a paternity test and go from there, but there is NO reason you need to speak to him anymore...unless you want to.

As for his BW, my heart aches for the pain when she finds out that her husband could be the father. But it's even worse if she doesn't know, and you can bet that he won't tell her because he's nothing more than a coward and cake eater. Send her the messages he's been sending you, tell her about the babies. She deserves to know everything so she can decide for herself how to proceed.

I'm assuming that your BH knows he may not be the father? If not, he needs to know.

As for your BH, please let him go. Don't beg or plead for forgiveness. Don't cry to him and say how awful a person you think you are as this will not be helpful to him. Ask him what he needs from you and respect it. You can't undo the past but you can help him move on with his life. You don't get to make decisions regarding your marriage at this point. Good luck.

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