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How was the affair discovered?

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Underserving posted 3/29/2021 17:22 PM

Oh Mickie. I know others may not understand you, but I do. I really do.

Iíve never confessed this on here, but I reached out to an old boyfriend in December. We only talked and caught up a little. Nothing sexual. Iím going to be very honest, I added him on Snapchat because I knew he wasnít someone with morals, and wouldnít care if I was married. I was intentionally putting out feelers to see where it might lead. I had so much anger. So much shame for staying after what my WH did to me. I hated feeling like heíd gotten one over on me. Sometimes I felt the only way to stay was to even the score. When that moment of crossing the line came (he asked me for my phone number) I deleted him. I had fully intended on going further, but Thank God I chose not to. I too felt my WH wasnít owed any type of explanation. What I did was wrong, but nothing inappropriate happened. He had a whole ass A and didnít tell me. It took me a few days, but I did tell him, and Iím so glad I did.
I spiraled for a little while afterwards, but eventually I realized I had a lot of my own personal demons and brokenness I needed to confront. Iíve been doing so ever since, and am finally feeling the waves of healing wash over me. Itís my opinion you probably need to do the same. I really do hope you are able to find some peace within yourself.

May I ask why you are inquiring about discovery, and how itís affected R? How have you and your husband been doing since the last time you posted?

Listen, I have had users be unkind to me on here as well. At the end of the day, know there are people who are willing to listen and who want to help you.

HellFire posted 3/29/2021 17:25 PM

So there was nothing sexual said between you and the OM? You didn't have feelings for him? No pics?

I find it odd that you sure wanted to know EVERYTHING, when it came to your husband's affair, but now you feel secrets are ok.

Did this OM have a wife?

Poppy704 posted 3/29/2021 17:48 PM

No one is being unkind. You are actively engaging in wayward lies and deception.

Underserving posted 3/29/2021 17:54 PM

Oh I am not lol and Iím not going to continuously t/j but I wonít tolerate that accusation.

She has felt people have been unkind. Iíve seen her say so. I have felt the same before. Iím not saying anyone in particular is being that way. I was simply stating there are people here who truly are willing to listen and try and help her.

If anyone has more to say in regards to me, kindly DM me. :)

End t/j

Poppy704 posted 3/29/2021 18:00 PM

Underserving my comment was directed at Mickie, the OP. This website is for getting out of infidelity. Actively hiding her affair is an insult to this place.

Underserving posted 3/29/2021 18:07 PM


Last time mods, donít come for me lol

I was the one who said the words ďunkindĒ so I thought you were talking to me Apologies.

Yes, I agree with you.

End t/j

26years posted 3/29/2021 18:09 PM

Coworkers snapped their pictures eating lunch, sitting together quite cozy...
He confessed, offered details but of course incomplete. My amazing sleuthing skills discovered all the details. Much to my own detriment. My advice is don't go digging for information that will only hurt you. To reconcile or not should be based on whether the marriage's future is salvageable. Don't base your reconcilation on the extent of their affair.

HellFire posted 3/29/2021 18:23 PM

If you had already decided not to tell your husband, what was the point of this thread? Unless I was correct, and you were looking to see if there were any loose ends to tie up, something he may find ,that you had forgotten about.

Mickie500 posted 3/29/2021 21:53 PM

I discovered my husbands affair and had a second Dday2 so I think it has an affect on my not being able to fully release and reconcile. Thatís why I did the post.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/30/2021 07:25 AM

Hi, Mickie.

I know that you have some strong feelings about SI and what you see as an inappropriately "one size fits all" approach. Chiefly, you've resisted the opinion that the BS deserves to know the truth of the Ws's affair. I'm not going to deny that I'm firmly in that camp. I've seen how lying makes the damage of cheating exponentially worse for the BS. But then, you and I approached infidelity from different spaces, because the whole point of your affair was to hurt your husband. You spent months struggling with an overwhelming desire for revenge. You felt that your self-respect demanded you even the score, and that even a sanctioned RA wouldn't do the job, because it was essential that you cut him as deeply as he cut you. Only then could you decide if reconciliation was possible.

So I admit: I'm trying to figure out where you are now. You did what you felt you needed, which was to go behind his back and betray him. But now that you hold that power, you seem reluctant to wield it. Do you feel more concern for your BH than you expected? Are you frustrated because the RA didn't give you peace? Do you feel like the scales still aren't balanced because you didn't have a physical affair? Do you want to tell your WH that he's a BH, but you're realizing it might not have the effect you desired? Will he just feel relieved that you balanced the scales? Will he be so angry that he blows up the marriage? Are you just plain scared, because you thought you'd feel more in charge, and now you're in two situations with no undo button?

I'm aware that you don't like answering questions because you think they'll just lead to attacks. I promise I'm not asking them just to rake you over the coals. If I hear your goals and don't feel I can help, I'll just bow out of the thread. Right now, though, I can't tell what you're looking for. It doesn't feel like you're here with the usual WS agenda of "how do I help my spouse heal" or "how do I save my marriage." But maybe I have that wrong.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 07:26 AM

Thank you Underserving. I appreciate your words and attempt at getting me to reveal to my husband. Iím just not sure if Iíd be safe physically. Since the reveal of his affair, whenever he feels like heís losing me he gets angry and uncontrollable. He was NEVER physically abusive before his affair. Itís just crazy. I have learned to just stop discussing the affair anymore and whenever Iíd get triggered by the affair and not be able to share with him thatís when Iíd text the AP. But then when Iíd have those feelings and AP wasnít available Iíd feel 20 times worse. I couldnít take double pain and hopelessness. The AP started getting demanding and the dynamics of our connection was negative. Still struggling to figure out if his affair was just a deal breaker and my attempt to even the score and make it bare able didnít work.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 07:33 AM

Hellfire I did not meet up with him we live in different states. We donít have photos together. We did sexting. My husband told me if I needed to even the score he wouldnít care as long as I didnít leave him. I had coffee two times with someone (I confessed to that) before he said that and I spoke with someone online. Then this guy from my past sent a Thanksgiving message. I have crossed lines, yes. But I feel fine not revealing it.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 07:48 AM

Also Hellfire- I asked the question because I wanted to know. Iím having a difficult time forgiving and reconciling because of the second DD2. It haunts me and Iím wondering if Iíd be in a different space had the discovery been different.

Now thatís all for the trial. If you want to see me as an evil wicked WS then go ahead.....gather the rest of your minions and do just that. I donít have to lie to you or anyone here. Why would I lie when Iím needing support?

BraveSirRobin posted 3/30/2021 07:50 AM

I'm so sorry to hear that. Has he been abusive ever since he cheated, or is this a recent development? If he's changed anytime since November, do you think he suspects your affair?

I remember that you said that the AP tapped into your unexplored dom/sub fantasies and that he was intoxicating because he seemed more experienced. Unfortunately, I've read that there are a lot of bad doms out there who don't understand that the release for the sub is tied to voluntary relinquishment of their power. If the dom makes it all about their need for control and tries to override the sub's autonomy, it can be very damaging psychologically. Add in the fact that you're struggling to gain the upper hand in a marriage to someone abusive... it's a lot.

Do you have a therapist who is experienced with BDSM dynamics? If not, I think you should find one. This is a whole additional layer of psychological complexity, and it's probably very enmeshed with your experience as a BS. It's striking that you felt a need to regain control at all costs in your marriage and to completely give up your power in your affair.

CaptainRogers posted 3/30/2021 08:20 AM

Iím having a difficult time forgiving and reconciling because of the second DD2. It haunts me and Iím wondering if Iíd be in a different space had the discovery been different.

I think, Mickie, that the space we all find ourselves in has less to do with discovering the A and more to do with our personalities/beliefs/etc. More specifically, I believe our responses to our D-days are a reflection of who each of us is at our core.

I have awakened every morning for the better part of 3 years and have asked myself the exact same question: did I do the right thing?

Did I do the right thing by not walking out that Friday when my wife said "I've been having inappropriate conversations with another man"?

Did I do the right thing by not walking out on Saturday when I discovered that it was the contractor remodeling our master bath?

Did I do the right thing by not walking out on Sunday when she texted him again and then lied about it?

Did I do the right thing 15-ish months later when I discovered that she had been lying the whole time about there being nothing physical and not meeting up anywhere?

Every day it eats at me. Did I do the right thing? Would me just walking away at some point have made her take any action with trying to truly reconcile, or would I have just been alone, spending my time building my business and seeing my kids every so often? Would me walking away have made ANYTHING different, or would my wife simply have never had to wrestle with her own character issues? Would walking away have simply allowed her to sweep everything under the rug, promote whatever narrative she wanted, and not have to face reality?

None of those questions come from the "how" of discovery. It could have been a full confession on day 1 from a perfectly remorseful spouse. Or it could have been exactly the way it was, full of TT and lies that have extended, really, for 4+ years. My question that I ask every day would have remained the same...did I make the right choice?

I have yet to be able to answer that question.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 8:21 AM, March 30th (Tuesday)]

HellFire posted 3/30/2021 08:20 AM

You're lying to your husband, when you need his support.

That said, this is the first time you have said he is physically abusive. We can only respond to the info you give.

Sounds like his affair was a dealbreaker for you. Add in the additional problems of another affair, and physical abuse, and the question is...why are you with him?

BluerThanBlue posted 3/30/2021 09:42 AM

Sadly, Mickie, it looks like you sought solace and escape from one abusive man through a relationship with another.

The problems that you're dealing with are above our paygrades. Please seek help from a professional.

I know you don't want to disclose and I won't waste my time trying to convince you, but you need to have a plan in place for if or when your AP acts out vindictively and tells your husband.

As you and the rest of us know from experience, you can't predict how someone will react to a DDay until it actually happens to them.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 12:04 PM

I did disclose once and then child protective services got involved. My WH was seeing our therapist individually and we stopped marriage counseling and went into individual- because he had never been physically abusive before I felt like it was just temporary. I still feel like itís temporary....especially if I donít bring up the pain I still have from his affair. He is working diligently now seems like heís more loving than before and he was always loving even firing his affair which is another reason this is so complicated. Itís hard to tell every detail in here.

I am not sure if the AP would be vengeful- I was trying to break it off gently the first time before because I wasnít sure if heíd reach out to my husband. NC can be scary if you lose control of the APís mind state which is why I went there with a person who lived out of state. My husband and the AP would probably have an altercation.

Mickie500 posted 3/30/2021 12:10 PM

I am in NC so the dom/sub dynamic isnít current. So do you think I still need to tell my therapist? I did share about the affair with my therapist but have stopped going to therapy.

I know I should go back.

3yrsout posted 3/30/2021 12:24 PM

What do you get out of staying?

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