SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I am 2 weeks into catching my finacee cheating on me with her ex bf. We have been together for 20 years and have a 17 year old child. I could use some outside thoughts. Here is what happened.

So this is actually the 4th time in 20 years I've found her going behind my back in the 20 years but this is the 2nd time with this guy, her ex bf from high school who she never seemed to get over. about 16 years ago his gf found her phone calls to him and she was going over his house and out to the bar and she told me. She swore all they ever did was hold hands. Then about a year later I was told, and she confessed to being at a guy she used to sleep with's house til 1AM and going to dinner with him but again, she said she had a crush but never did anything sexual. Both times she cried and promised it would never happen again.

Then about 2 years later, so about 13 years ago I caught her cheating with her friends neighbor. She denied it for a couple months then broke up with me. It only lasted a few months and she came back to me, I think because of our daughter who was still very young, and when he was done with her. I reluctantly took her back and she swore it was only sexual one time. It took her 13 years to admit it was a sexual relationship for months with that guy. She said it was too painful to admit. Then 13 years and as far as I know, nothing wrong. We got engaged a few years ago and things seemed fine. Until 2 months ago..

I started to get a gut feeling something was wrong by the way she was acting as I've seen it before in her. I started jokingly asking her who the other guy was when she went out and she would joke back with different names but I still couldn't shake this feeling. She works sunday nights and a few weeks ago I went to kiss her goodbye and for the first time she turned her head. Then a trip to AC came up with her friend and I decided to check her phone history since I pay her cell bill I have access to who she was calling and texting. I noticed a number the last 2 months she was texting with every Sunday night from work and also all week, sometimes til 3AM. I looked up the number and it was her ex who she cheated on me with years ago. I never felt so sick. I really thought we were well beyond this stuff.

I called her and asked her about it while she was driving with her friend to AC. She just said sorry and can we talk about it later. So that night we did and she said it was just as friends and she didn't tell me because I would be mad. I didn't believe that but I asked her not to call him again and don't call him from her friends phone since she knows I can see her calls. She promised she wouldn't. She left on thursday and would be back sat afternoon. SO for 2 days we could only discuss this over the phone. On sat before she got home, I called the guy. He told me he knew all about me and that she was engaged but that it was all her. He also said that after I asked her not to call him, she did call him fri night from her friends phone and said she knew I was going to throw her out when she got home and would he be interested in seeing her after. He told me he said he wasn't interested in a relationship wit her cause she was too old as he likes younger girls but that he can have her if he wants. He said they met up in person 3 times but other than a hug, they never did anything but talk and flirt. He said he just wanted out of the situation.

When she got home, it took a week of her saying it was all just friendly before admitting to what she says is everything. She said she texted him 2 months ago cause his sister died and they started talking. She caught feeling for him again and they met up and went for a ride in the country to catch up. They texted almost everyday and some of it was sexual flirting. She said an example is she called him from the tub and told him where she was and he asked about her bush. Then she confessed that a couple weeks before I caught her, when I thought she was at a friends, which she spent a week reminding me she was spending that saturday night with her girlfriend, she actually went to his house. From phone records and memory she was there from 7pm til 130AM. She swears on our child that they only just talked for 6 hours. I did however text her at 12:50AM that night and then again at 1:18am and no answer til 1:22am when she said I'm leaving soon. She said she didnt hear her phone go off even though it was just them alone and she told him she had to go and left. She also confessed to calling him after I asked hr not to and asking him out but that she thought we were over. I told her she moved on to that option after less than 2 days.

So 2 days after she got home from her trip she texted him in front of me and it said "don't call me again, I'm working things out with me" That to me sounds like he knew they were more than friends. She said if I didn't catch her then at some point she would have slept with him but wasn't going to do it after seeing him in person only 2 times in 16 years. And she has been crying since telling me what a horrible mistake she made and realized she can't live without me and she just got caught up in old feelings and lost control. She said all she can think about is how much she hurt me and hasn't done much but cry and not eat and get sick the past 2 weeks. She admits to an emotional affair but swears it never got physcial however I remind her it's her 4th time cheating. She says she knows but it's been 13 years since and she will never do it again if i don't leave her. I just don't what to think. I dont know how they could have spent 6.5 hours at his house alone on a sat night and not do anything. Plus, will I ever trust her word again. She says she will do anything I ask to make this work but I'm a mess wondering if she is just telling me just enough but not everything. She said she deleted all the texts and if I read them then I would never talk to her again cause some were sexual flirting and a lot were her telling him how much she is sick of me and leaving me. I don't see how all these feeling can change in just a week. Sorry this was long

So this is actually the 4th time in 20 years I've found her going behind my back

That you know of.

Look up serial cheater.

All cheaters lie a lot.

Emotional affair? Not likely. Probably sexual/ physical.

[This message edited by Marz at 5:54 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

She’s lying about everything.

If she says X it’s a lie and it’s more likely Y.

Question is how many more years do you want to spend with a chronic liar and cheater?

She says she knows but it's been 13 years since and she will never do it again if i don't leave her.

That's what she said before, didn't she? And the time before that too? Clearly she can't and won't keep that promise.

She says she will do anything I ask to make this work but I'm a mess wondering if she is just telling me just enough but not everything.

I agree. I think they did more than talk that night. So will she let you run a recovery software on her phone? Will she take a polygraph test? Couldn't hurt to ask and see her response.

I guess the question I have is can you keep doing this?I am sure you two have shared a beautiful life together in between and despite these incidents.You may need to ask yourself what you want and if you can continue doing this knowing it could happen and most certainly will again.It comes down to you not changing her but if you can accept and be at peace with this.You can't control the other person we can only control ourselves.If you choose to stay then this may be something you will have to deal with down the road.If you go you will have to be at peace with that as well.You may also open yourself up to the possibility of finding someone who will be faithful to you.So...what do you want and are you willing to A)accept your circumstances or B)Risk the unknown and maybe find something more fulfilling.What is good for you.May need to do some real soul searching on this one.

I never post but in this case I will. NO LEGAL MARRIAGE. NO LEGAL/FINANCIAL ENTANGLEMENTS WITH THIS WOMAN. Whether you continue to live like this is of course up to you. It will not change.

Wanna know why she keeps cheating?

Bc she knows you'll never leave her.

4 times?

Probably closer to 15.

If you don't leave her, she will keep cheating.

Expecting different results is insanity.

I can take a long look at what you said, but I guess you don't need it. You know you shouldn't believe anything she says. She's a serial cheater. They probably had sex, but I don't think that even matters. Calling him right after she promised you not to call and already being ready to leave you, these must be enough for you. And in a second you are the love of her life again. I think she should lie a little more skillfully.

You are not married yet, your daughter is also about to be of age, so you won't have to deal with something annoying like a divorce.

I remind her it's her 4th time cheating. She says she knows but it's been 13 years since

Let me make a small correction, it's been 13 years since her getting caught last, not since her last cheat. Is there any reason to believe her, even if she didn't really cheat during that time?

and she will never do it again if i don't leave her. I just don't what to think.

Let me tell you what to think.

If you don't leave her, you can't be sure if she will do what she did 4 times (at least) before and said she would never do it again each time.

If you leave her, you can be sure that she can't cheat you again.

[This message edited by guvensiz at 7:23 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

She has refused to let me recover the deleted texts on her phone til yesterday and she threw the phone at me and got mad and said all you will find is some sexual flirting and me saying bad things about you and him telling me to leave you. She swears on our daughter they didn't have sex but everybody here seems to think they did. Am I just being naive to believe that they didn't. I mean, how possible is it to be alone at his house for 6.5 hours and just sit and talk? Again, they haven't even talked in 15 years before this and were only texting for 3 weeks when they set up that sat night at his house. She keeps saying it looks bad like we did but I swear we didn't so IDK

I've been here for awhile,and was a lurker for years. A huge majority of the BS here had a WS,who swore on their children, they didn't do,or say, xyz.

And,later, they found out they did,indeed, say, or do, xyz.

She sounds completely unremorseful. She refuses to let you recover deleted messages? She should be totally transparent, giving you full access, passwords included, to everything. You pay the bill, yet she refuses? Why are you asking??

She is abusive and a liar. Why do you value yourself so little?

I truly think she is remorseful. I know her well which is why I knew something was going on. She said if I hadn't found out she prob would have slept with him at some point but she keep saying you never know and I'm not gonna sleep with a guy I haven't seen in 15 years the 2nd time I see him. The texts she deleted she is protecting bothers me too. It took her almost 2 weeks after I found out and me asking if they were sexual texts to tell me some were and give me an example. Before that she kept saying it wasn't. She insists that reading them will seem worse that it was and she texted him she had a great time last night after she was at his house so i might take it the wrong way. I asked her whose idea it was to meet that late at night on a saturday and she said it was his planning. I said well that's cause he was looking for sex and she said well maybe but it never even came up.

I also forgot to say she said, and phone records confirm, she called her best friend who knew what was going on and telling her to stop, on her way to his house. She said she was telling her how guilty she felt going and her friend told her to turn around but she said she didn't cause she had feeling for him and just wanted to see him even though she knew our relationship would be over if I found out. She insists she sat on the chair and him on the couch and talked for 6.5 hours but I told her, if it was me there, I would know what time it was and be checking my phone for your call. She claims she lost track of time, didn't realize it was 130am and didn't hear her phone for 22 minutes at 1am when I was texting her. Hard to believe I think but I'm asking cause my mind is spinning and you guys have experience and i appreciate your answers

Hmmm, the very fact that she is playing the victim is a huge red flag.

She is trying to guilt you into staying with her, and is banking on the fact that you have always taken her back, and seem to be always waiting for her to return.

First things first; do not go ahead with the wedding, and it would also be good to break the engagement. She is definitely not safe for you, now and for the long term.

I did break the engagement but she won't give me the ring. She said she will never take it off. She has barely eaten in 2 weeks and looks terrible. She cries all day. She said it's cause all she thinks is how bad she hurt me again but would she be that sick if they didn't have sex? Maybe. IDK

Hmm. Did she feel bad when she did it? No. Because it continued until you caught her. Again,and again,and again. Those tears aren't because she hurt you. She's scared of how you knowing,and what you may do, will affect her. People will find out. Your daughter may find out. Her lifestyle may have to change. And, then, OM has already Said he doesn't want her. Maybe those tears are because she was used by OM,she thought he cared, but she now knows he doesn't.

Tears don't equal remorse. Actions do. What is she doing?

What she should be doing...

Full transparency. You get full access to everything.

Std testing.

Scheduling a polygraph.

Providing you with a full, complete timeline.

Full NC.

No male friends that aren't mutual.

Dropping any friends that knew she was cheating, but said nothing.

Being accountable. She admits to close family what she has done.

She answers all questions, without anger or defensiveness.

Therapy. She needs lots of it. She is a serial cheater.

And anything else you need.

[This message edited by HellFire at 9:30 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

Also, a man having an affair with an a woman, dont invite her over to his house to talk. Men are in it for the sex, not the conversation.

One thing crying she kept saying was how she would end up having to start over with nothing now if I left her and when I told her the OM told me he honestly didn't find her attractive enough for a relationship she looked hurt. Only after I told her that did she tell me how he was saying sexual things, and he said to leave me, and it was his idea to meet on sat night. But she said today again that I want her to say they slept together but she never will cause it didn't happen but she doesn't think I'll ever believe it. IDK what else I can ask. I have the timeline pretty much, it was only 6 weeks. I asked what they talked about for 6.5 hours and she just says she can't remember it all just about everything in the last 15 years they haven't talked in

She swears on our daughter they didn't have sex but everybody here seems to think they did. Am I just being naive to believe that they didn't. I mean, how possible is it to be alone at his house for 6.5 hours and just sit and talk

Hell I’ve seen them swear on their children, dead parents graves and the Bible. Cheaters lie a lot.

You want to believe so bad because if they did you might have to make a decision you don’t want to make.

I truly think she is remorseful.

Her actions are not remorseful. Sorry but you have yourself stuck.

She has refused to let me recover the deleted texts on her phone til yesterday and she threw the phone at me and got mad

[This message edited by Marz at 9:48 PM, March 28th (Sunday)]

She did swear on her dead parents too actually. But I just put myself in the om place and I only would have set that date at my house to make a move. I told her that and she said he didn't even make a move. I need to come at this in a different direction but I'm not sure what to say

There’s a huge difference in remorse and regret of getting caught.

The tears are for her because she doesn’t want to lose her meal ticket.

If you don’t wake up to reality and get out of your denial there is going to be far worse times for you in the future.