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Fow reaching out again...grrrr!

MyAndI posted 3/25/2021 20:47 PM

...but not because I want her to. OW has been texting me and calling our friends to ask about how I am doing...each time I get a text or email I discourage it...and each time I tell my wife.

She's been blaming me for the FOW's attempts to reach out -- that somehow I sent pheromones into the air to make it happen. Nothing could be further from the trust. I have ZERO desire to have any dealings with OW whatsoever, as she was a conspirator with me in crushing my wife's heart.

So I'm fighting two battles right now. One, to jettison the FOW from my life and two, to get my wife to trust me and believe that I'm being upfront and diligently rejecting any advances from the FOW. No stop sign, but please no bashing.

It has been a full time job in the last two weeks trying to reassure my wife. I am exhausted and frustrated. Oh if I could turn back the hands of time.

[This message edited by MyAndI at 8:51 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

Lostgirl410 posted 3/25/2021 22:50 PM

Shut it down. Full stop. Don't "discourage" it. Stop it.

Your actions should not include allowing yourself to deflect blame, or accountability. Ever.

She texts you: you immediately tell your wife, and have a lawyer draft a cease and desist letter.

She calls your friend who then contacts you: you immediately tell your wife, and have your lawyer draft a cease and desist letter. THEN you tell that friend the truth about who she really is, tell them how much she helped you destroy your marriage and your wife, and make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR to said friend that you never want to hear them speak her name again. If they choose to continue relaying messages, then they are actively choosing to sever your friendship. Any TRUE friend you have will respect this boundary.

Remember: if they choose to not be a friend of your marriage, they are choosing not to be a true friend to you. You can't be both fully safe, and refuse to place healthy boundaries in the areas necessary for you to get there. Trying to do so is eerily similar to trying to have your cake, and eat it too. So many affair partners are cake eaters...see the correlation?

ggcamp1975 posted 3/26/2021 07:02 AM

No stop sign so I am going to chime in as a BS who is in the same situation. WH FOW will not stop texting and calling, almost daily. WH tells me immediately and blocks whatever # she contacts him from. Now this crazy OW is using some type of masking where it comes up a different # every time so we have so many blocked at this point.

I will tell you for me it was hard at first because I kept thinking what is WH doing that is making her reach out over and over but what has helped me so much is he will send me a screenshot (if we are not together) of whatever she sent, or of the phone log if she called. He would then show me the number is blocked. I of course trust nothing so I double check with phone bill and compare. So far everything he has told/shown me is 100% accurate and that helps. We are only 6 months past DDay but I thought I'd add my experience

foreverlabeled posted 3/26/2021 07:07 AM

Is the AP is using different numbers? As mentioned above, some kind of generator?

Is she making new email accounts to reach out that way?

Chaos posted 3/26/2021 07:35 AM

Is it in the fu*king air?!?!?!

BS here. 2.5 years after DDay3 when I blew things up with OBS. 2.5 years of NC.
This just happened to us. Creating fake profiles to cyber stalk both WH and myself.

In my case - I discovered it and blew it up with OBS. And confronted WH. We were attacked from the outside. And evidence gathered from OBS leads us to believe she's done this for the past two years and just now got caught. WH first reaction when I confronted him was "tell her husband". Once I revealed to him the depths of her cyber stalking depravity hired an attorney to send a Cease and Desist letter.

As a BS - I am not OK. Yes - WH had nothing to do with LTAP doing the cyber stalking but let's face it - he's the reason we've been dealing with this shit. Like a vampire - you have to invite it in.

What you can do and my WH is trying to do - stay calm and in the moment. Be reassuring. Be in tune to her flats and downs (there are no ups at this stage). Be transparent. Learn to know when she needs a hug - when she needs space and when she needs chocolate. If [and I say this gently] there is more information please come clean to your BW. If you so much as txt back or taken the call - you need to come clean. And ask yourself why you didn't tell your BW every single time. If you haven't already hire an attorney to send a Cease and Desist. Ours was pretty heavy handed and quite through [outlining things like creating fake profiles and soliciting information from mutual acquaintances].

Hire an attorney. The sooner the better. You really don't have a battle to jettison AP from your life - you do it. There is no battle - just a swift and immediate action. If you respond in any way - even to say get lost - you are communicating and thus sending AP mixed signals. Hire an attorney. Send the letter. Now. And be prepared for it to get ugly from there. I my case...it is. And I am NOT OK. Also in my case - WH is stepping up. Do the same for your BW.

ggcamp1975 posted 3/26/2021 07:55 AM

WH had nothing to do with LTAP doing the cyber stalking but let's face it - he's the reason we've been dealing with this shit. Like a vampire - you have to invite it in.

This!!!! I feel the same way, I know WH did not have anything to do with the stalking but like Chaos said WS is the one that introduced this person into our lives and that is the hard part about the contact. Every contact is a reminder of that

HellFire posted 3/26/2021 08:16 AM

She is friends with your friends? There is still a connection to the OW through those friends. Time to make a choice. Friends who choose to be friends with a woman who,essentially, attacked your wife. Or go NC with those friends.

These friends are telling her how you and your wife are doing. They are sharing private info with the enemy. Then they are making things worse by telling your wife.

At the very least, they are hurting your marriage.

Drop the friends.

Also..it is your fault. Had there not been an affair, this would not be happening.

Patience. Empathy. Love. She sees your frustration. Stop it.

[This message edited by HellFire at 8:17 AM, March 26th (Friday)]

BluerThanBlue posted 3/26/2021 08:32 AM

Tell your wife you want to block her number. I'm guessing she's unblocked because your wife wanted to know if she messaged you. If your wife doesn't want you to block her, or if OW uses different numbers to call or message you, then send her the following message:

"Do not contact me ever again, either directly or through anyone else."

If she doesn't comply, get a lawyer to write a cease-and-desist letter. If she ignores that, then go to the police and see if you can get a restraining order.

As for your mutual friends, tell them that you don't want to hear anything from or about the OW ever again. If they don't respect your wishes, go no contact with them.

Lastly, when you start feeling tired, frustrated, resentful, or sad that your wife won't believe you and doesn't trust you, remind yourself that you had 3-year affair, which required millions of lies, significant time, and emotional investment to conduct. You will need to spend at least twice that amount of time, energy, and emotional investment and, most importantly, consistently transparent and trustworthy actions, to recover your wife's ability to believe you and feel safe in the marriage.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:33 AM, March 26th (Friday)]

MrCleanSlate posted 3/26/2021 09:48 AM

MyAndI,

I understand. My FOW went all stalker on me for a while, even to the point of writing letters to my new address. It hurt every time I brought another FOW communication attempt to my BW's attention. We ended up doing a lawyer letter , which basically said continued attempts to contact, or follow on social media, etc. will be seen as harassment and will be dealt with accordingly, etc. At the time it was kind of thin on the legal end, but it worked. Make sure it is sent registered mail with signature required that way you have a record of their receiving it.

Keep sharing with your BW.

Change your cell phone number. Just do it and then only give it to family, etc. I ended up doing that and my wife was thrilled because she saw I was doing something active to stop it.

Shut down social media. I'm over 5 years out now, and I only have LinkedIn for work. I rather enjoy the freedom from social media.

My wife locked her FB account to friends only and unfriended a bunch of 'not close friends'. She then posted photos on her profile photo of us being happy together. She'd change the photo every week or so. That was my wife giving the OW the finger.

And those friends. Well if they don't know the backstory then it's time to say something. Otherwise f++k them.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 9:51 AM, March 26th (Friday)]

Ariopolis posted 3/26/2021 13:45 PM

No stop sign

each time I get a text or email I discourage it

How do you discourage it?

StillLivin posted 4/1/2021 19:05 PM

Did you have your attorney send her a cease and desist, or did you file a harassment restraining order after her initial contact? If not, why not. She'll take notice when legal consequences are imposed. Your BS will know you're serious too.

MyAndI posted 4/4/2021 17:07 PM

Thank you for all the responses. I discourage it by asking FFFFFFOW "do not to fucking contact me."

I thought that was pretty clear. My wife three days ago did call FOW and told her the same thing, something we agreed to. And told her we'd have her brought up on charges of telephone harassment. Haven't heard a peep yet so far. But now old conversations about OW are creeping back into our lives. I'll post in a new thread.

Chaos posted 4/6/2021 10:43 AM

Chiming again with a BS perspective. Because this hits very close to a scenario I just went through.

Even a response such as "do not fucking contact me" is a response. And it sends OW [regardless of how many Fs] a mixed message.

Sadly, your BW responding as well sends a message - one that says "direct hit" and to OWs [regardless of how many Fs] that says "mission accomplished"

Next time [because there will probably be one at some point] do nothing and let an attorney handle it.

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