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Trusting again

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BetrayedGamer posted 3/25/2021 20:06 PM

So I posted a few weeks ago in the Just Found Out section about my wife wanting a divorce (7 year marriage), saying we've grown apart, when in reality she is having an online affair with a gaming friend of hers. I tried 3 conversations to try and save the marriage, on the 3rd one she finally admitted to the affair, so we're both fully focused on the divorce. I filed earlier this week. We are in complete agreement on how to split the assets (I keep the house and the dogs) and if all things fall into place she should be moving out mid-to late April.

While the logistics of the divorce are not causing any additional stress, every night she sits in the living room playing this game with her new boyfriend, and if I'm in the kitchen getting something I constantly overhear her saying "I love you" and other flirty things about planning their life together. The feelings of rejection and betrayal are overwhelming at times...saying to myself "you are better off without her" doesn't seem to help at all right now. For the first 6 years I thought I had met someone as my equal of moral character and integrity...all gone in a couple months of online flirting. She was my best friend, I never thought she was capable of this.

How do I get past these crushing emotions of rejection...I know it will get better once she is gone but even late April seems an insurmountable challenge to reach. More importantly...how do I ever trust again? I've been cheated on before (by girlfriends) but each of those times I saw signs ahead of time and chose to ignore it...this time it was by the last person on earth I expected to cheat on me. I am anxious to date again, but no matter how nice someone comes across now how am I ever going to think they couldn't do the same thing to me?

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 8:07 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

grubs posted 3/25/2021 20:29 PM

Is there any reason she is not moving out now? Try asking her to leave because this isn't working for you. She should be able to find somewhere else to crash for the next month.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/25/2021 20:37 PM

Originally suggested she go move in with her sister who lives 10 minutes away. She's a widow, in a big, nice house by herself. Although the sister and her never had a super-close relationship, it made sense to me. Got the excuse "she just broke her hip skiing and has a bunch of people at the house supporting her"...lame.

In reality neither of us have to leave until the divorce is final, according to Colorado divorce laws. The truth of it is probably the big screen tv (I'm keeping) with the console (she's getting) is here, so she can play her game and do her flirting with all of her free time without having to leave. She doesn't care that I overhear her.

AnnieOakley posted 3/25/2021 22:03 PM

I quickly read your posts as I was wondering her age (46). Her actions are so incredibly immature, not to mention emotionally cruel and abusive. Not to have any respect and to be openly conducting her A. I can only imagine what her daughter is thinking. I知 sure the relationship w the 30 yo gamer is going to last. 🙄

You also mentioned that you had been divorced before and that you are anxious to date again. The .01 answer to your million dollar question is that you don稚 date until rejection is not going to be a crushing blow to you. Give yourself time to heal...you致e probably heard the term broken attracts broken.

Work on yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally. Some people are really lucky their first dating experiences after infidelity are great. The majority of posts here reflect the opposite message of attempting to date too soon.

As I知 sure it was when you were using it OLD is all about handling constant rejection. Most just ghost you today.

I gave it a year, albeit it was awful during a pandemic and my profiles were probably on pause more than active. I learned a lot and I was 10000% ready to date...and it still was disappointing for about 10 mins sometimes.

I just got new ballroom shoes in the mail. I知 taking salsa lessons in about 6 weeks as hopefully by then I will have my vaccine. Maybe I値l eventually meet someone in person and if not, I知 going dancing. By myself.

[This message edited by AnnieOakley at 10:13 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

Phoenix1 posted 3/25/2021 23:23 PM

Try to get through the D, as difficult as it is with her throwing her A in your face. Then spend time healing. Broken does attract broken. Learn to enjoy your own company for a bit. Engage in hobbies. Resurrect old ones. Learn new ones. Focus on your interests. Give yourself time to heal. There is no quick solution, but you will get there eventually.

how do I ever trust again?

There are no guarantees it won't happen again, but take comfort in knowing you have the strength to survive it if it does happen. This goes back to giving yourself time to heal. You want to enter any new relationship from a position of emotional strength. That comes from healing. Which takes time. Focus on that, which will be much better after the D is final and she is out of the house.

Hang in there. It gets better, even if it doesn't seem like it right now.

EvenKeel posted 3/26/2021 08:37 AM

Geez - how cruel! I am sorry she is being so insensitive! I get that she has decided to move full into this new relationship but for gosh's sakes!!!!

every night she sits in the living room playing this game with her new boyfriend
Assuming you are assuming all the household bills with the house, I would shut off the internet for the next month!

I am anxious to date again,
You have a lot of healing to do. Focus on that first or you won't be any good in your NB relationship.

I know you are anxious - but you are in a very raw stage. You will gravitate towards anyone that makes you feel good (ie validates all that your stbx broke). It is addictive....and toxic.

In house separation sucks. Hang in there, you are almost to the next stage!!!

grubs posted 3/26/2021 10:12 AM

Assuming you are assuming all the household bills with the house, I would shut off the internet for the next month!

I was behaving as that was my first response. Or block gaming sites or the console at the router. Along with playing music loud enough that you can't hear her. Move the big tv to your room. Basically encouraging her to move out. She's selfish and it's easier for her to be here. Make it not so. The flip side to that is you antagonize her which might make the divorce harder.

[This message edited by grubs at 10:17 AM, March 26th (Friday)]

grubs posted 3/26/2021 10:23 AM

Originally suggested she go move in with her sister who lives 10 minutes away. She's a widow, in a big, nice house by herself. Although the sister and her never had a super-close relationship, it made sense to me. Got the excuse "she just broke her hip skiing and has a bunch of people at the house supporting her"...lame.

Translating, living with her sister would not fit her future narrative that your divorce was not her fault and she met the AP after. Hard to hid the EA when its going on in front of family. She prefers to twist the knife in your back instead.

Karmafan posted 3/26/2021 10:34 AM

BetrayedGamer, so sorry you are going through this

I guess that, because she was the one initiating the divorce, she is feeling as though she can do as she pleases and she doesn't consider for a second how she might be affecting you!

One word of caution though: you mentioned on a different thread that you have been doing OLD for a while and how challenging you are finding it. Respectfully, I think it might be too soon. You have literally just found out and clearly still hurting, and exposing yourself to more hurt and rejection might not be the best course of action. OLD is not for the faint hearted and can reinforce certain negative emotions that are infidelity-related and effectively slow down your recovery. Most of us here on New Beginnings are OLD veterans and very rarely have we come across a success story straight out of infidelity.

What helped me the first few weeks was focusing on my children and my job...I faked it until I made it. By carrying on as normal, getting dressed, going to work, shopping, cooking for the children, I had a reason to wake up each morning. You start off with the small gains and, before you know it, life feels bearable again.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/26/2021 11:47 AM

Under Colorado law I can't force her out, nor can I change any bills that are "normally" paid. I am burying so much anger that it's giving me digestive problems, but I know it's for the best. I just gotta make it less than a month hopefully. As much as I want to do a "War of the Roses" to let go of my anger, I know in the long run a smooth divorce will be more comfortable.

I was planning, if she can't find a place to go by the end of the divorce, to lay down new rules (as I'll be the sole homeowner by then): I get the master bedroom back, and she needs to share living room time with me instead of hogging it. I don't think it's going to come to that, she's putting an offer down on a house (far away fortunately) today.

What IS making things worse is that she's turning everyone against me. I got along (even loved) with most of her family, especially the in-laws. I know her too well, she's playing off the guy she's having the affair with as a "supportive friend" and probably trash talking me every chance she gets. I just wish people knew the truth of what was happening. She's even texting the wife of one of my friends, a couple we used to have board game night with. He was my friend long before I met her, and he knows the truth, why she's texting his wife I don't know.

The only one not turned against me is my stepdaughter. She has been extremely nice to me, and doesn't seem all that thrilled to be moving out. I know part of that is she will miss her dogs, and being a block away from her best friend, but I'd like to think some of it is that she will miss me too.

Phoenix1 posted 3/26/2021 12:27 PM

Play the long game. Remain civil until the D is finalized. You don't want to make any waves right now with the end in sight. Keep your eye on the prize - getting out of infidelity.

The anger is normal, and you are going to have a lot of ups and downs. That's why it's called the rollercoaster. The D doesn't magically make that rollercoaster of emotions go away, so expect it for a while.

Many find some kind of exercise or other physical activity, such as yard work, a good way to burn off anger in a productive way. Meditation techniques work for some as well.

AFTER the D is final, tell everyone the truth when the opportunity presents itself. Simple facts. For example, if someone says, "I'm so sorry to hear about the divorce." A simple go to response such as, "It was inevitable since I didn't like her boyfriend." Then change the subject. That gets the factual truth out there without getting ugly or bashing her. Don't cover for her though.

Find good anger outlets as stifling it is not healthy. A month will go by before you know it.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/27/2021 13:28 PM

I'm not worried about renewed rejection in OLD, I'm a veteran at it and have a thick skin. I've learned to treat it like a game, not take it so personally. I actually hate being the rejecter in OLD than I do getting rejected, on those rare occasions where the female makes the first contact. I feel myself being pulled to it because it would be a distraction, and give a feeling of (at least trying) to move forward. But I do know I'm not going to be effective at it, at least until she moves out and I can feel like I'll never see/deal with her again.

I just feel so stuck right now. Every day there's 100s of things I want to say to her, but I swallow them up and avoid her as much as humanly possible. The last interaction we had she basically wants me to do all the paperwork for the divorce...it's insulting that she's so lazy about it (she'd rather spend her free time flirting online all night after she gets home)...but it's also advantageous as she can't blindside me with anything that way.

It's hard though. I don't just live day by day but literally hour by hour. I used to be a 9 hour a night sleeper, now I'm lucky to get 5 or 6. I try to nap but end up just in this in-between point between sleep and awake, until some disturbing thought enters my head then I'm wide awake. I started smoking again, but I have moderated/cut down on the drinking (first week after I found out about the affair was bad). Walk my dogs twice a day to get exercise. I just have a hard time getting into anything mentally. I'll start a movie or show then quit halfway feeling bored. I don't have a support system like she does. She's on the phone a lot to her family, her real estate agent, and her friends playing the "poor me I'm going to be a single mother" card...none of them know the real reason for the divorce. I'm just mean and I yell sometimes so I'm a monster (I've never been violent at or around her, not my nature, nor have I ever belittled her). No one knows I made several attempts to talk through our problems, asking for marriage counselling, not understanding why she wouldnt work with me (as we've worked on lots of challenges in the past years, we made a good problem solving team) until I found out she'd been having the EA for about a month. Right under my nose, I used to play the same games and be on the chat with the guy.

I don't know if just sitting down with her and explaining my feelings would help. Not to talk her out of the divorce, but just to appeal to her to make this a little more of a livable situation until she moves out. Or would that make me appear weak, would she use the opportunity to belittle me even more? She seems to delight it trashing me (I overhear) a lot lately. Just don't know what to do. All I have is a brother in the state (who's completely lacking in social skills so not a support other than financially). I have no close friends as I spent the last 6 years focusing on the family, just some acquaintances that I bowl with or watch sports with.

Bonetired posted 3/27/2021 14:41 PM

Oh man you are in a tough spot!I'd like to quote something from a famous person.'When they go low we go high.'Keep taking that high road.Trouble don't last always.Title of a song I like.When you look back and have kept your composure through this no matter how difficult it is right now you will be glad you did.As far as this sight?Feel free to say what you really feel.Like yelling at the top of your lungs in private.I will say it for you if you want.Your soon to be x wife?She thinks she's in love with someone she could be a mother to.Jesus woman WTF is wrong with you??!!!She has the mental capacity of a gnat.Definitely the moral compass of one.Even her own child recognizes something is wrong with her.Sorry that felt good.Not that it has to go anywhere but here.Feel free to vent and laugh a little maybe again eventually.As far as dating?I would do some soul searching and reading.You could end up dating the same type of person.Give your step daughter hugs for me.She sounds like a sweet girl.You are not alone.I know it feels.like it but I promise you that there are so many people out there on your side.So many that would care and value you.People who know what this feels like.Hang in there 'Trouble Don't Last Always'.'

Justsomeguy posted 3/27/2021 15:08 PM

TV meet hammer... I'll let you two get acquainted.

You can always get another TV.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/27/2021 15:17 PM

Thanks Bonetired. That did help, reading that.

I tell myself, by taking the high road (as well as that's just who I am), that I will get the best end of the karma when it's all said and done. I probably won't even know when it happens, but I'm sure it will.

During our 3rd "attempt to save the marriage" conversation, the one where she finally admitted to the EA, she told me "God has lead me down this path, I trust God." Can you believe that crock of sh&$. She's not even religious, we've gone to church maybe 2 or 3 times. Afterwards I wish I had brought up that she should read the bible about a wife honoring their husband, not to mention the parts about adultery (I'm sure in her mind it's innocent since there hasn't been physical contact). I didn't think of it at the time, I was too stunned by the "God made me have an affair" logic. As for me, I believe whatever god or God is out there, there is karma for those who do crappy things to other people.

[This message edited by BetrayedGamer at 3:19 PM, March 27th (Saturday)]

Bonetired posted 3/27/2021 15:34 PM

Betrayed gamer She hasn't even met him yet???Oh God.Sorry took the Lord's name in vain.I suspect it's a midlife crisis.Judging from the age of the boy(I call him a boy because a real man has integrity and wouldn't chase after another man's wife).If indeed they start something (snort,chortle)meaningful he is a boy.One day her boobs will droop,her ass will wrinkle and flatten(Yes it happens I am an older female I know!)Gravity will pull that face down and give her a double chin to match her muffin top.Her cute little boy will look at her second guessing his decision.You are right karma has a way of kicking someone in the ass eventually.Here's another quote.Karma can be a bitch or a blessing.It all depends on what side of her you want to land.The good side or the bad side.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/27/2021 16:48 PM

Yeah he is 30 with 1/2 custody of a 7 year old (in Michigan, where the mom lives). She's 46 with 1/2 custody of a 14 year old here in CO (and legal dad has no intention of leaving the state). This guy and his boys (2 other guys around the same age) make her laugh with their crude humor and swearing (neither of which she liked until a month ago). They got her to quit the server community they were all on, where she was a game admin, to follow them to make their own server community. My thought is eventually they will get bored of the game, and bored of her, and she'll be left with nothing. They only like her because she's a female in a pretty male dominated world (gaming). I think the 30 year old simply did this as a macho/conquering thing and he'll get bored. At 30 he's not going to wait years upon years to meet her in person. He's going to bore very quickly of a "relationship" that is long distance. I've known lots of people that have had online relationships, they always fail unless they meet up permanently within the first year.

SallyShrink81 posted 3/27/2021 17:09 PM

Uh.... I'm 100% in agreement with bonetired's comment. They haven't even met yet. OH HOLY SHIT!! I literally think that some soap opera writer's could really feast off this story. I can't even

However, focusing back on you well that's exactly what you need to do. Heal what you need to heal. We all have different healing journeys. Start yours and remember this pathetic women who blew up her entire life for some manchild who lives in another state that she hasn't met yet was lucky to be with someone who loved her unconditionally. Love is always a risk. You just need to figure out which ones are worth taking a risk for.

BetrayedGamer posted 3/27/2021 17:31 PM

SallyShrink81 the problem is I don't feel like I can heal with her in the house, hearing the "I love you"s and flirting every time I go to the kitchen to get something. It's like a knife twisting in the wound every night (and all day on the weekends). But I'm too stubborn to leave temporarily (I'm not giving her any satisfaction in that department) so it's an ugly stalemate. Just gotta make it a month. Hour by hour.

Bonetired posted 3/27/2021 18:24 PM

You will Betrayedgamer.It's difficult right now but stay the course .We will be here going through it with you.In case you think you are alone.I was pregnant at the time my soon to be XWS was messing around with the newer younger model.I felt so alone and it felt so heavy with the pain.Life has a way of turning that shit around eventually.You just stay true to the high road and even though I know you can't see the forest beyond the trees right now .I know there are many good things down the road for you.This could be a major growing pain for you right now and it could lead you down the road to the path you were meant to be on.Yeah I know it sounds like a lot of BS .My amazing husband and I often reflect that if we didn't have our failures and conflicts in life we may have never met or grew into who we are today.Trust me when I tell you this.I am so glad my past relationship ended so that I am where I am today.Someday that will be you.I so badly want you to know that.Hang in there.Things do get better.You are loved and people will be there for you.Your life has meaning and purpose.

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