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perception vs. truth

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longsadstory1952 posted 4/6/2021 17:13 PM

I'm with the skip the meeting with Dad crowd. Just not worth it. Maybe a lot later down the road.

I called her a ditz in my last post. I guess I should update that to evil lying self absorbed schemer who is apparently incredibly stupid since she knew you had a PI yet was willing to go off on a tryst, who, while knowing you had evidence to blow up her world, lied about you in public. Either that or complete psycho. You pick.

A very fitting response by you to all this.

Keep your chin up. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

faithfulman posted 4/6/2021 17:58 PM

The good news is that most of her female friends will drop her.

No woman wants a Blake Lively cheater-chick around their husband trying to fuck them.

HouseOfPlane posted 4/6/2021 18:42 PM

Regarding meeting with the x-finance's father, I do not recommend it.
I agree, he can apologize in writing.

Buster123 posted 4/6/2021 18:54 PM

Do not meet with the father, blood is thicker than water, doesn't matter how much you think he cares about you, his daughter obviously comes first, if you really feel the need to talk to him for your own "closure" I think a 10-15 min phone call would suffice.

BTW good job on revealing her true nature and huge betrayal in social media (the same channel she used to try to portray you as an abuser), this is precisely why we tell a new BS to not let the WS take control of the narrative and EXPOSE without warning to all family and close friends.

Buster123 posted 4/6/2021 18:56 PM

Just curious, what was her reaction to the social media exposure ?

DanielJK posted 4/6/2021 19:16 PM

I would not go to the meeting with the father without knowing what to expect.

Check out the post on this forum by Mr. Flibble. His father in law (FIL) met with him after his wife cheated. FIL dropped the bomb that he had cancer and wants Mr. F to take care of his family. Fuck that.

He may ask you something that may be hard to say "no" to...or guilt you into staying with WF...a lose/lose situation.

I'm just not sure you gain anything by meeting with him. The situation right now is about you. You've been through a traumatic event and you need to focus on YOU...what's best for you? He's likely to misdirect the situation toward something or someone else. If you do meet with him keep this in mind. Anything he says should have a tint of "what's best for absolon." If it does not, don't fall for or agree to anything.

LightningCrashes posted 4/6/2021 19:59 PM

My heart hurts for you. We have all been there in various ways but I want to personally applaud how you have handled things up until now. I wish I had!

I don't post much, but felt compelled to here. In no particular order:

Your ex wayward fiancee is truly an ugly person. Her mere physical beauty is as worthless as jewelry on a pig. Besides that, physical beauty fades and goes away over time. We all should really want a beautiful person on the inside next to us, someone we can trust will never do the things to us that your WF has done to you.

You may not see that you dodged a bullet considering how you are feeling right now. So let's change the analogy a little bit. You got hit with this bullet, and you are hurting and bleeding and need treatment and to heal. But you are taking the necessary steps to cut that bullet out of your flesh and throw it away so that it does not continue to be toxic poison to you and do further damage to you or even kill you in the future. Your efforts now are all about avoiding her in every way recognizing how dangerous she is to your mental and emotional and perhaps physical health. She is cancer. The way she has treated you on a continued and repeated basis is proof that she does not love or respect you. I commend you for seeing that. It does take a while for the heart to catch up to the mind.

She called you on Wednesday night adamantly refusing to leave but by Thursday morning said she was going to stay with a girlfriend for the weekend and that she wants to work things out with you and fix things. Now you know what she really had planned was a weekend away enjoying a luxurious spa retreat with nothing else to do but concentrate on enjoying her affair partner, a married man, married to someone who is supposed to be a good friend of hers, all the while she is engaged to you. If that doesn't put into perspective the kind of person she is, nothing will. She is the lowest of low on the morality scale. A simple liar and a cheater with no regard for anyone but herself. She lied about her weekend plans and about wanting to fix things with you. You could never trust her or believe anything she ever says.

Please please let the other betrayed spouse know about his emergency "weekend business trip" with your ex WF. What an absolute piece of shit. That poor woman deserves to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. He lied to her and said he would do anything to be dedicated to her and that he was done with your wayward fiancee and would give full transparency but all of the sudden he just had an emergency business trip come up. Over Easter? She is desperate to believe him but this is ridiculous. He is abusing her and hurting and taking advantage of her being broken and naive and willing to believe him. I would love five minutes alone with a guy like this. Anyway, his poor wife deserves to know everything. He does not love or respect her and he is a liar and a cheater.

He and your WF deserve each other. They have nothing to build on, nothing of meaning, nothing of value. They have nothing but the mirage and smokescreen and fog of delusional feelings that are not even based upon reality. I hope his wife finally takes a stand and has enough self-respect to do what you are doing. Let this lying cheating idiot go be with another lying cheating idiot. Be done with them. They are both toxic narcissist liars. Let them try to live a life in reality. They are cockroaches who thrive on the thrill of secrecy and having their affair in the dark. But watch what happens when it is exposed to the full light of day and the responsibilities that go with it.

One of the things that is wrong with society is that we value physical beauty so much, especially in the western world. It is in our advertising and movies and television shows. But the true measure of beauty and worth should be measured in words like honesty, integrity, loyalty, faithfulness, honor, and love. Let the bottom feeders be as physically attractive as they think they are. To me they are not worth one second of my mental or physical energy because they know nothing of what it means to actually be a beautiful attractive human being.

You must now focus on strengthening yourself even more. Drink water. Exercise. Eat healthy. Get your rest. Focus on things that are wholesome and good, things that make you happy. Surround yourself with positive things. Rejoice in knowing that you are joining a group of trauma survivors that are capable of healing and going on to have full and happy lives as we distance ourselves further and further from the people who have hurt us and betrayed us so much. You will survive this. You may even thrive someday. But one step at a time. And hopefully you will be more aware, know yourself better, and be better prepared for the future. And hopefully you will also be able to help others based upon what you have been through.

Marz posted 4/6/2021 21:02 PM

As bad as this is just think how much worse it would have been if you’d married that?

[This message edited by Marz at 9:03 PM, April 6th (Tuesday)]

chepo1966 posted 4/7/2021 04:30 AM

My sorrow moved, to the wife, with small children and your ex-girlfriend, committing such a great betrayal, without any remorse, what a disgusting woman, and being her best friend,
I know that you are still hurt, but thank God, that you noticed before, and although she is very beautiful for you, since all men, we have different tastes, as a person, she is not worth a penny, to be honest , You must be grateful, if you have noticed before, your case is painful, but just think, when you feel depressed, think for a second about the other woman, with two little ones, alone at home, living a real hell inside, It is not together, for either of them, the damage that they have been inflicted on, but yours, in a while, you will be able to overcome it, you are a great man, of very noble feelings, you will notice, that some women open up, wishing that Give them an opportunity to meet you, and you still have a lot of time to be happy, with someone who really deserves you or they mutually deserve you. calm God will give you the strength, to be able to overcome quickly, all this shit.

Bigger posted 4/7/2021 11:28 AM

I don’t get it.

She cheated.

You have enough proof for yourself.

You decided to terminate the relationship.

She’s moved out.

Why spend money and time in having a PI monitor her or the OM next weekend?

What is it with all the threats of sending pics and social media?

Is there some game going on where you are scored, and the winner gets a cup?

Some of your friends over the last 5 years are/were her friends, some are/were yours. Some will remain your friends, some will choose her. It won’t happen because she cheated or because you were allegedly abusive – these people will worry and gossip about that for 20 minutes or so before moving on to more important issues like what Hollywood star was caught sniffing coke.

If asked you tell people you ended the engagement because she was having an affair. I recommend being open about it and naming the OM. If they ask about her accusations then tell them no – you don’t agree with her claims and that if you hadn’t discovered the affair the marriage would still be on. If asked how you know about the affair then you simply know. You don’t need to convince anyone or win anything. A month from now nobody will care anyways.

Absolon posted 4/7/2021 11:53 AM

@bigger
Not going to lie … yours is the only message that has managed to upset me in this whole thread.
To answer your questions as politely as possible:
• I wasn’t spending money for further proof—the first photos told me everything I didn’t need to know—I was in disbelief that after all of that, she and he could, within days, just carry on so brazenly as though D-Day was nothing. A part of me believed that the PI would find nothing this past weekend. Seeing those photos ended any small, pathetic, voice inside me thinking that there was a chance this could be overcome. But I am grateful for the cold, sobering shower provided by the second bit of proof.
• I wanted to give her the ‘dignity’ of coming clean to her family and our wedding party on her own. Some of our discussions last week pointed to the fact she would take that ‘gift’. I don’t see my basic threat of saying, ‘If you don’t tell the truth about why the wedding is off, I will have to be the one to do it.’ None of it was some game.
Sorry, but: have you read this full thread properly? How can you be so rude to me about this?

Absolon posted 4/7/2021 11:53 AM

@bigger
Not going to lie … yours is the only message that has managed to upset me in this whole thread.
To answer your questions as politely as possible:
• I wasn’t spending money for further proof—the first photos told me everything I didn’t need to know—I was in disbelief that after all of that, she and he could, within days, just carry on so brazenly as though D-Day was nothing. A part of me believed that the PI would find nothing this past weekend. Seeing those photos ended any small, pathetic, voice inside me thinking that there was a chance this could be overcome. But I am grateful for the cold, sobering shower provided by the second bit of proof.
• I wanted to give her the ‘dignity’ of coming clean to her family and our wedding party on her own. Some of our discussions last week pointed to the fact she would take that ‘gift’. I don’t see my basic threat of saying, ‘If you don’t tell the truth about why the wedding is off, I will have to be the one to do it.’ None of it was some game.
Sorry, but: have you read this full thread properly? How can you be so rude to me about this?

LightningCrashes posted 4/7/2021 12:12 PM

Hang in there, Absolon. I would have done the same thing as you, for the exact reasons that you describe.

Buster123 posted 4/7/2021 12:42 PM

You were attacked in social media by being called an abuser, so counter attacking her and her false claims in the same place/medium seems more than appropriate to me. Many BSs entertain the idea of R (some even jump on it) right after Dday, I agree the second round of pics from the PI provided the necessary final nail in the coffin for you to eliminate that possibility and avoid further heartbreak and suffering with a false R, everybody has their own reasons, I would have probably done exactly the same, good job on that and protecting your reputation.

Who knows, you may even be introduced to your next GF/significant other, your next job or new business opportunity by one of those mutual friends who now have undeniable photographic proof of the real reason the wedding was cancelled as opposed to not doing so by thinking you were an abuser and a monster like she was trying to portray in social media.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 12:52 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

BentandBroken posted 4/7/2021 12:44 PM

Weighing in fully supporting your actions, Absolon. Every step of the way you've acted with dignity and strength.

Jameson1977 posted 4/7/2021 13:11 PM

I’m not posting much anymore, but wanted to echo BentandBroken’s comments. You have handled this well, you can hold your head up high.

In terms of spending $ when you already knew the outcome, well, I would say the OBS would see value in the PI’s evidence from the Easter weekend. I mean, the OM totally disrespected his BW and now, there is absolutely no question as to the OM’s motives.

SI is a great resource. As many say, “take what you need, ignore the rest”.

As for her social media post, I would also want to provide my side of the story especially since she accused you of abuse. True, “her” friends will believe whatever they want. These are not friends to you.

Robert22205https posted 4/7/2021 13:37 PM

You hadn't talked to the previous finance yet so I understand why you paid for more proof (and if I had the funds, especially within the trauma a week or so of D day I would have done the same).

She's a very proficient liar and manipulator - and was begging for one more chance. It worked on the previous finance. And it stirred a little doubt in you.

The downside of reaching for more proof was that you ran the risk of NOT finding more evidence. Therefore, potentially giving her another chance and extending the pain (like the previous finance).

Going forward you need to continue to avoid feeding that little voice or doubt or denial or false hope that it's all a bad dream.

Fortunately, the additional evidence just exponentially defeated any little voice (as well as the white knight syndrome and/or sympathy for her).

Google and read up on PTSD. You have suffered a major trauma and will experience a roller coaster of emotions. There's no shortcut. It helps to recognize those emotions when they occur and when they repeat.

Going forward I suggest therapy to among other things to identify the holes in your 'picker' and to develop a 'screen' that you feel confident about so you can trust again.

IMO finding the 'right' therapist' will be difficult. So don't just settle for the first one. You'll need to screen them to identify someone with the appropriate experience (rare)and that uses a therapy approach that provides you with some practical tools to protect yourself.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 1:39 PM, April 7th (Wednesday)]

DanielJK posted 4/7/2021 13:56 PM

I just want to echo what others have said.

You did all the right things. You should be proud and I know it is not easy, but hold your head high.

Robert (above) is right. The roller coaster sucks, get ready for it and do the best you can to prepare.

You mentioned several times here that you have a hard time sleeping. I know what that is like. And even when I did fall asleep I would often wake up in the middle of the night with my heart pounding. It's awful. Don't hesitate to talk to your doctor about this and get a sleep aid. Keep yourself healthy. Don't forget to eat and drink plenty of water. Get some protein bars or shakes if you have to. Do something today, go for a walk if nothing else. Then try to do a little more tomorrow.

Don't let this define the rest of your life.

SnowToArmPits posted 4/7/2021 22:36 PM

Hey OP - your ex may have the looks of Blake Lively, but she has the heart of a cruel, selfish bitch.

Spinning your break up on you being emotionally abusive. Jesus.

Your response on fb was great. You're getting really good at this, I don't think you're going to need the help of this Just Found Out forum for very much longer.

Wiseoldfool posted 4/8/2021 07:38 AM

The problem with a forum anyone can join is that anyone can join.

Some people are constitutionally incapable of saying, "right, well done you."

You caught her cheating and lying, gave her a face saving exit, she declined and instead attempted to smear you, you refused to be smeared and set the record straight.

Right, well done you.

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