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perception vs. truth

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This0is0Fine posted 3/31/2021 15:28 PM

Her answer on "Why?" is defensive, history re-writing, blameshifting bullshit.

Freeme posted 3/31/2021 15:35 PM

You are doing the right thing in leaving her. You know it. You are never going to make sense of what she's telling you. She couldn't talk to you because you were to perfect? Yet was planning a wedding and want's to give it another shot? She's still lying about the affair... it was just the one time?!?

She said that my attempts to break up her AP and the OBS were “lame” and will “fail because she (OBS) understands the value of forgiveness.” I find it rather breathtaking that a) she somehow has insight into the OBS’s mind and that b) the OBS has achieved such swift forgiveness.

This tells me they are still in touch (her and OM) and that he threw her under the bus and is trying to salvage his marriage. The OBS might try to reconcile since they are married and have young kids... it's sad but it happens.

She has asked me not to tell anyone—EG my family, friends, etc—about this.
She is probably very frighted of her self image. You said she spent a lot of time on facebook.

Does it sound like she will be out of the house by Thursday? What will you do if she is not?

fareast posted 3/31/2021 15:37 PM

Yeah, the other posters hit it on the head. The pain does get better. The attempt to blame shift and rewrite your relationship history is so predictable and really cliche. She cheated because she wanted to do it. Period. Nothing to do with you or you sexual performance. You will see this more clearly with time. Strength to you. Stay the course. So relieved for your future happiness that you did not marry this woman. Good luck.

Oh, and her snide remark about telling the OBS. The OBS deserved to know the truth of her marriage. What she chooses to do with that knowledge is her business. But at least she is operating from a basis of knowledge she did not have before, because of you. Well done.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:42 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

ramius posted 3/31/2021 16:13 PM

I then finally broke my silence and asked her, simply, ‘Why?’ After a lot of prevarication, she essentially said that because I am a perfectionist, she stopped trusting that she could speak her mind with me at an early stage of our relationship – as in: 2 years in. She said that AP makes her feel safe and 'protected' and they ‘can discuss anything’.

She’s grasping for some kind of rationalization. She is a liar and a cheater. As such her words mean absolutely nothing. I would suggest not engaging her anymore, on any level. Just the absolute bare minimum to get her out of your life.

By the way if the OBS is so forgiving, then she can just move in and live with them. Problem solved.

grubs posted 3/31/2021 16:22 PM

And it’s oh-so humiliating, the questions I have: did I not make her orgasm enough when we made love? Was my penis not the exact perfect shape and size? Did she just want an ex-rugby player bodytype?

Let's break this down. She cheated before she could know whether AP was better in either of those first two aspects. That means those attributes could not be the cause of the betrayal. If it's the body type, why is she begging you to take her back.

She betrayed not only you but one of her good friends. What failing or shortcoming of her good friend was an excuse to F said good friend's husband. The good friends children's father. What failing would excuse that?

She cheated because she's badly broken. She's selfish and has no character. You are better off and you know it.

will fail because she (OBS) understands the value of forgiveness
The good friend has children to consider. I suspect she hasn't forgiven as much as trying to figure out how to minimize the damage your WGF has done to her life. You don't have that burden.

Stevesn posted 3/31/2021 16:33 PM

Have you talked to the OBS?

guvensiz posted 3/31/2021 17:03 PM

Engaging with her was a mistake. You couldn't have expected an honest answer from a proven liar/cheater. In particular, looking for something missing in yourself, asking her about it gave her the opportunity to manipulate you.
Ghost and expose her, dont let her write and tell everyone her own story.
I guess I don't need to tell you that everything she says is a lie. Everyone has said enough already.

BindassBP posted 3/31/2021 18:22 PM

She is totally blameshifting. You did xx that's why I had an affair. Just no. Relationship don't work like this. If you have any problems/issues you discuss with your SO not have affairs.

From now on stop receiving/replying her calls/messages. Now you know her weakness. You make the call and tell her that only she can stop her friends/family from knowing the truth. For that You need her to move out immediately. You don't care where but immediately. And to replace the mattress. She can take it.

longsadstory1952 posted 3/31/2021 18:52 PM

Holy crap. She set a land speed record on blameshifting. One word question and she had it all figured out and ready.

Um. She still is out tomorrow right?

Predictably, she will do anything anything anywhere any time. Then tell her to get the fuck out and you might begin to see your way clear to possibly consider thinking about maybe speaking to her if the weather be good, the creek don’t rise, and you sort of feel you might possibly want to here her lying voice again, assuming you have noting better to do like cleaning an oven or getting a rectal scope. I’m sure she will snap at the chance.

I’m sorry, but God what a predictable ho she is. Obviously not been reading here.

Oh and yes tell everyone and burn her to the ground. She deserves no consideration here. If you can, also burn OM. You can start by reaching out to obs.

Oh. And your attempt to “break up” the om and the obs is lame. Would I be correct in thinking her IQ is the same as her hip size?

[This message edited by longsadstory1952 at 6:57 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 3/31/2021 19:01 PM

Brother, you will never get the answers you seek.
She, as all cheaters will lie, to push the blame onto others (not my fault). To minimise her betrayal, it was just one time, sex was bad with him, he had a small penis, bad breath etc. You cannot trust anything she has to say.
She still wants to control the fall out as she wants you to not tell others of her deliberate actions. Just get her out and the ring back; if anyone asks tell them the truth, why continue to lie for her and the POS?
Actually you are doing well. Just remember to take care medically and financially as well as mentally.
One day at a time.

DanielJK posted 3/31/2021 19:55 PM

Don't hesitate to ask your doctor for a sleep aid. Lord knows I needed one.

You need to stay healthy. Don't forget to eat/drink well and exercise if you can.

What you're going through...your feelings, your mental state, your energy level, your WGFs responses... are all very typical.

This includes a hit to your self esteem. I get it, it stings.

Trust the folks here...after about 11 months of this shit I can tell you from my own experience that these are good people here and they know EXACTLY what they are talking about. They know the cheater handbook better than the cheaters themselves. They know how to get through this shit...and they also know that life is better on the other side.

Day by day you will get through this. You should be proud of yourself, you did good. Seriously, you handled this like a pro.

DeWittle posted 3/31/2021 20:34 PM

Don’t engage her, contact = pain and you just got bit. What’d you get out of that anyway, like the others have said nothing more than blameshifting. Again, the A had nothing to do with you!

I would let OBS know they are still in contact (her knowing POSOM is getting another chance).

siracha posted 3/31/2021 20:36 PM

Ok so you are a critical perfectionist and the Ap made her feel safe ... great well now she can leave and safely move in with her friend and her friends husband why is she begging for another chance with you ?
As for your attractiveness and sexuality - if you werent sexy to her she wouldnt have been your fiancee , the problem is that she seems to find loads of men sexy and unlike grown adults she has no impulse control. Your role in her decision to be a cheater is zero
Do yourself a big favor and just concentrate on your part of the story. Thats the real angle . Do you gravitate towards messed up women or is this a one off ?

[This message edited by siracha at 9:09 PM, March 31st (Wednesday)]

Ariopolis posted 3/31/2021 20:40 PM

I would let OBS know they are still in contact (her knowing POSOM is getting another chance).

This. ^^^^^

lovetolove1 posted 3/31/2021 21:32 PM

I don’t really have much to add as everyone has already made some very good suggestions. But I do just want to say how terribly sorry I am to hear that this is happening to you. Try to take good care of yourself even though it may be hard to do. You are stronger than you know and can get through this.
I know that your entire world and plans for your future are now completely turned upside down, but know that you can find happiness elsewhere and with someone who can provide you with the security and trust that a relationship needs. There is nothing wrong with you. It was all her and the decisions she made.

Buster123 posted 3/31/2021 23:17 PM

She has asked me not to tell anyone—EG my family, friends, etc—about this because we can fix it.
Do exactly the opposite and tell everyone without warning, maybe her knowing that the word got out she may start to accept the reality that (based on what you posted) this is a dealbreaker for you and that there's no coming back from this. OTOH ask your doctor about some sleeping aid pills and request STD/STI tests.

chepo1966 posted 3/31/2021 23:48 PM

Really, everything is exposed in the comments, it is too clear, her lack of integrity and morals, fucking with her best friend's husband, with two small children, really, her friend already forgives her. everything in her is so predictable, typical of a woman lacking in values, principles and dignity, and now transferring the guilt of her of her,
One of the things, that really shows, the ilk of a woman who,
-When he sat next to him, and they touched, being his friend and your present. the immense contempt for your love, and the feelings of his friend.
- Remantando, when I fuck him in your bed, on your part, zero respect for all the values ​​of a family or relationship,
You should ask him, if he does not want them to know about his trick,
1.- Buy a new mattress and sheets, and take the other one out of your house.
2.- To pay someone, to disinfect the house, of all that shit, that I leave, at the time of desecrating and contaminating the love you had for her.
You should have left a VAR, you would have known everything
I really think, that you are a good guy, and you were very lucky, discovering everything in time, just think already married, in 5 years or so less, you taking care of the children and she going out fucking other guys, lying to you, at all times , or you taking care of the children of others without knowing, since the low of this person, has no limits,
I would recommend you not to tell anyone, until they leave your house, once they leave, you can tell the truth "DECEIVED AND BETRAYED, BY THE PERSON, WHO I THOUGHT IT WAS, THE PERFECT PERSON TO BE MY PARTNER AND THE LOVE OF MY LIFE "
Dear this pain will pass, since you know that nothing is your fault, and most importantly, you are a great man and person.

Freeme posted 4/1/2021 06:56 AM

Sorry: I appreciate the degree to which people here advise me for a more ‘nuclear’ option—sharing this with her family, etc—but it isn’t me. I know myself very well. This is, and will for a very long time be, profoundly traumatic for me. For me to survive, I have to be true to who I am. While I love the stories of the degree to which people avenge the infidelity they have suffered, it isn’t in my DNA to plan and execute such things.
You do you. We often push for exposure but that's when the relationship might continue. You have made it clear that there is no chance of this. We also push it for when the other person is rewriting history and starting rumors of the opposite happening... I don't know if you will have to deal with this because you have photographic evidence that she does't want to get out. Your comments to her to tell the truth... could be taken as slight threats not to spread rumors... that you already know the truth...

I don't think she believes your bluff about having several months of documentation... I believe that is the story she and OM worked on to "fix this." The brazen way they acted last weekend, the changes in sex and the many clues prior... it's been physical for quite some time.

Does OBS have a way to contact you? If she does I'd wait for her to call. This is sudden for her, she probably desparately wants to believe the lies her husband is telling her. She might not call and just rug sweep the whole thing.

Is WGF moving out? Make sure you get her keys or change the lock. Consider moving to a new rental if you can. Get rid of the bedding. It's going to be difficult living there for awhile... might have a friend stay also.

If she refuses to leave you might want to bluff again. Tell her that you will post the pictures and reason for your breakup on facebook. I'm not saying to do it. I'm just saying that if it's over, it's over and you don't want her to prolong the move out process. We have seen many desperate attempts at "winning" the betrayed spouse back... Sex bomb, leaving photos around, 50 notes... Every interaction you have with her will bring up more hurt and more questions that can't be answered. You aren't going to get closure from more contact with her. You will never understand why she did this to you and the OBS.

Butforthegrace posted 4/1/2021 08:17 AM

Two follow up points:

1. I'm tickled by the idea that you suggest that living with her "good friend" and her cheating husband would be a logical next step for her. Her friend understands forgiveness. Thus, there should be no issues between the two of them. And the husband nearby can be a source of convenient adulterous sex. To make her feel safe. A win-win-win.

2. Be prepared for your ex to reinvent the history of this and besmirch you to your mutual friends. I know you do not wish to "go nuclear", but she likely will.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 8:19 AM, April 1st (Thursday)]

HellFire posted 4/1/2021 08:42 AM

Just because she says his wife has already forgiven and moved on, doesn't make it the truth. That's what she wants you to do. She was hoping you would buy that bullshit, and somehow think that's what you should do as well.

IF his wife has forgiven, its because she is in shock. Seeing those pics had to be traumatizing. But you can bet there is NO WAY she has forgiven and let it go already. She just found out her husband has been fucking her friend. Once her shock wears off, and the rage and sadness sets in, your wife is going to find out very quickly just how unforgiven she is. His wife will, most likely, tell all mutual friends, and your wife is going to find herself kicked out of that group. Women don't tend to want to be friends with other women who fuck their friend's husband.

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