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Throwing in the towel
TwoDozen posted 3/18/2021 08:20 AM
Just a quick post to say that after several exhausting weeks WGF and I have agreed to throw in the towel and I will be moving forward with S.
I won’t post all details just yet but essentially after almost one and a half years of me driving the R bus (call it a pick me dance if you must) I asked WGF to take her turn at the wheel and she wasn’t able to.
It seems that I wanted R more than she did or more accurately I was prepared for the hard work and consequences more than she was.
Trying under these conditions is physically and mentally exhausting (on both of us) and ultimately we could not agree on the end goal (reality vs denial) or steps to take us there
Whilst I called it quits and she reluctantly agreed that it’s for the best, I am in the unenviable situation of still being very much in love with my STBXWGF (had hoped i would never use that one) and I do believe vice versa so it’s going to be a difficult situation for me to navigate my way through.
However I am committed to this course of action as I have seen almost zero efforts to move out of a wayward mindset.
I gave her the guidebook 10 months ago and she has ignore or discounted every single piece of advice within it because “we are special” and “we are soul mates” and whilst I agree with both those sentiments there was nothing special about her PA and each and every thing she did to hide it from me and therefore we don’t get a pass.
I am not a quitter but I am smart enough to know when the odds are stacked against me and we have been locked into a zero sum game now for too long whereby we are only able to exchange our own pain for each others. We have taken almost no steps to offload any of that pain so that it’s unburdens the two of us.
Pre A I would have said like many do that I’m a dealbreaker guy, maybe that is what has happened. But since dday 1 I have been pro R and under the right circumstances I would still advocate for R if both parties are willing to do the work. Sadly that is not us
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank all the posters who took time to help me on my journey, it has ended as some of you predicted but I am glad that I tried, proud of myself for how far I have come since the trauma of dday and the ensuing fog that followed.
WGF is not a bad person, she made some terrible choices and unfortunately has not matured to own those choices and accept the consequences.
We are as of my writing this still “best freinds” and we have not told anyone IRL as we decide when and how to tell our children and our families about the battle we have been fighting. I thought for a very long time we were fighting on the same side, but sadly it appears that is not the case.
I will come back I’m sure to ask for advice of telling children, separating finances, building myself up for the big wide world without my “wingwoman”
I have learned many things on this journey but still have so much to learn. I have done many things wrong but I have stuck to my principles and my code of conduct and I can hold my head up high.
I do not know what tomorrow will bring, their was a time when my future was so clear to me. That came crashing down in Dec 2019 and I have yet to decide what the alternate future will look like. I will start small, take some time for myself, plan some trips with friends, focus on the kids, and see where that takes me.
Heartbroken - 2D
[This message edited by TwoDozen at 9:14 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]
SlapNutsABingo posted 3/18/2021 09:43 AM
TD,
I first would like to say that I am very sorry for the pain she has set upon ALL of your lives. 
I have a question...did you say at one time that both her mother and sister had cheated in their relationships? Or did I miss read that?
[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 9:43 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]
siracha posted 3/18/2021 09:56 AM
Im so sorry this happened , and you are right - you have every reason to be proud of who you are .
It takes real guts and mental toughness to give a cheater another chance , and though the dice are loaded against them both people do learn something from the attempt to repair the relationship .
All we are doing on the planet is moving from one problem to another and hopefully getting stronger by the day whether the problem ends in a win or loss
Wishing you much strength and luck ahead
TwoDozen posted 3/18/2021 10:18 AM
@slapsnuts, yes that’s correct
Edited to add: FYI I have decided to stop posting about her A or her families As as that is no longer my concern. My future life and that of my children is now my primary focus.
Should R ever be put back on the table then I will again need to discuss the details of the A.
[This message edited by TwoDozen at 10:37 AM, March 18th (Thursday)]
Justsomeguy posted 3/18/2021 10:24 AM
You are not quitting, you are choosing a new direction for your life. You are taking back control, that very same control your WGF took from you without even bothering to inform you.
This0is0Fine posted 3/18/2021 12:27 PM
R is a long, hard, non-linear process. It takes quite a while to take the 35,000 ft view of the events and see if there has been progress made. I'm sorry you found yourself stuck, but moving on is the right thing to do. You can't be the one constantly leading the effort.
Mostly, right now, take a break from the hard work, and take care of yourself. No doubt you are completely drained. Bask in the relief that she is not your problem anymore.
SlapNutsABingo posted 3/18/2021 12:36 PM
I was just wondering if her father chose to stay and if you thought seeing that had any negative affect on her or her sister where infidelity outlook is concerned.
Again TwoDozen, I am sorry for you and your family...
asc1226 posted 3/18/2021 12:38 PM
This from one of your previous threads stuck with me:
Did you ever read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" by Linda McDonald? Your WW?
Yes and yes. About 5 months post Dday. Her review at the time “it’s a bit one sided”
Yes, I suppose it is rather one sided. It amazes me sometimes that a smart person can be so dumb. I always root for R when it’s what both sides seem to want. I’m so sorry your stbxwgf couldn’t figure out how to get out of her own way.
TwoDozen posted 3/18/2021 12:59 PM
@slapnuts every female in her maternal blood line has cheated. Some just ONS some even have OC to deal with Every single BH is still married to the respective WW and to my knowledge they all rugswept. My BIL has never even acknowledged his WW had an A just gave her silent treatment for 5 years but never mentioned it.
@asc yes it seems her self defence is stronger than her desire to R. Essentially we are both refusing to be the villain in our story and that is our blocking point.
SlapNutsABingo posted 3/18/2021 13:21 PM
Maybe your courage will help others to find theirs...
Wishing you everything....
[This message edited by SlapNutsABingo at 1:24 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]
Unsure2019 posted 3/18/2021 13:31 PM
TD,
Sorry to see you show up over here. I was really pulling for you guys. From the outside it seems like such a small leap for a WW to get it – or at least start to get it - and save the M that they claim they want. It just baffles me how many times they are just incapable of moving. It’s just sad.
PS - You might want to let the folks over in JFO know that you’ve moved over here.
DanielJK posted 3/18/2021 14:16 PM
Very sorry to hear this.
You have given me support over the past 6 months and I appreciate that.
A good relationship (never mind a great one) cannot exist if both parties are not putting in the effort. It just does not work.
I’m so sorry, I know how it feels. Stings like a motherf****. I too did the pick me dance for far too long and I know the feeling. I keep reminding myself that my STBXWW was my one true and only love. If I were her true love, she would do the necessary work. It sounds like your STBXWGF (sorry) was not doing the work either.
You’re doing the right thing. You can’t live in limbo; I would not recommend that to anyone.
You’re on the glide path to better days and I believe a happier life.
2D, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
after almost one and a half years of me driving the R bus (call it a pick me dance if you must) I asked WGF to take her turn at the wheel and she wasn’t able to.
It seems that I wanted R more than she did or more accurately I was prepared for the hard work and consequences more than she was.
This was me not too long ago. It was my biggest hurdle to get over.
it seems her self defence is stronger than her desire to R
^This.
it seems like such a small leap for a WW to get it – or at least start to get it - and save the M that they claim they want. It just baffles me how many times they are just incapable of moving.
And ^this.
2D, you're doing the right thing, even though it's heartbreaking.
TwoDozen posted 3/19/2021 04:14 AM
@slapsnuts for most of them it is 40 or 50 years in the past. And non of them know about us. She is the shining light in her family, the one who should’ve been strong enough to not take the route she did. They all live comfortable lives and I guess are mostly happy with the decision they took. For my BIL he is playing some long game and mentally torturing his WW. I will not condone what she did and I wish she had the strength to do the right thing, the thing she should have done before having an A.
@Daniel I refuse even now to be the bad guy, I will continue to treat WGF the way I expect to be treated. I will not be changed by this, well other than my new 6 pack 😂 I am rocking the new physique so that’s one change I am happy to make
@Adira, Thankyou and I’m sorry you are here too. Be kind to yourself.
[This message edited by TwoDozen at 4:16 AM, March 19th (Friday)]
Westway posted 3/22/2021 10:38 AM
Some people are just not cut out for long term relationships or marriage. You are lucky she showed you who she was before you married her. I know that it is cold comfort but it really is true. You dodged a freight train.
TwoDozen posted 3/24/2021 08:28 AM
Appreciate the sentiment Westway but I have been with WGF since 1996 🙄 it is essentially a marriage in every way except the certificate
Stevesn posted 3/27/2021 07:48 AM
TD
I haven’t been an active participant in your threads, but in going through them two thoughts came to mind. I also can’t find your original thread to go back and read what her A involved, but regardless this is what struck me:
1) one of your four items from your roadmap was having her answer the question “why”. This may be nuanced too much, but for me that would not be the question. In other words, it wouldn’t be “why did you have an A” specifically. I think the answers she has given (“ I was detached”, “I wasn’t feeling connected to you”, there may be other answers she gave in threads I no longer can find) probably all sum up the reasons she chose to betray you by starting an inappropriate relationship.
For me, the real question I would need my WW to answer would be “why were you able to choose hurting me?” Or more specifically “why were you able to do something you knew would devastate me and not care?”
That is what I would require my WW to answer before I would consider rebuilding with her.
Point is probably moot now, but for me that is the more pertinent question. Just asking for “why” as a requirement to me is dooming failure. The true answer is “because I wanted to” which will never be satisfactory to the BH. The real question that needs to be answered is “why didn’t you care what it was going to do to me?”
2) and secondly the thing that struck me was that the fact that both of you have been hemming and hawing about NC, about quitting her job tells me that neither of you, especially her, have never been ALL IN on rebuilding something new. R after infidelity is completely a leap of faith. It requires strong bold actions that feel totally uncomfortable.
If she truly wanted you and a new relationship with you, she would look at the math and realize that rebuilding a relationship after destroying requires you to go against logic, and against financial sense. This is love we are talking about. It is not objective. This is the farthest thing from rocket science their is. It is biology. It is psychology. Making a choice like quitting a good job has a whole new set of parameters when the lens of infidelity is put over it.
As I said, it’s when a leap of faith is required. If you two were truly ALL IN on rebuilding and attempting to start reconciliation it would have been the first thing you decided she should do.
Yes it would have made no sense from a financial standpoint, but it would have made all the sense in the world from a repairing the relationship point of view.
If she ever asks “what can I do to give this another chance I would respond “the discussion can only START after you have quit your job, with NO GUARANTEES that we will make it. And you quit it with only yourself to blame. You and your choices are the sole reason you have to leave it. If you can’t do that without feeling contempt for me, then we have no chance. You cheated. You betrayed. If our relationship was the most important thing in the world to you, you would have left the job and the AP day 1 and only blamed yourself as the cause. Until you are at that point, we have little left to discuss but terms of separation”.
So those were my thoughts. As you said, if you ever change direction again and decide to give things one last chance, I recommend the above two steps as the basis for the work you do. And you both need to agree that you want these things and the relationship more than anything else in your lives.
It sounds like you are not there. Definitely sounds like she is not there as a wayward. But sometimes things can finally click and change how you both see everything.
Good luck.
[This message edited by Stevesn at 8:24 AM, March 27th (Saturday)]