SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now. We are fairly young. Despite our age, I truly believed he was the person I was going to marry. I felt it in my gut and soul that he was my soulmate. I loved him more than I've loved anyone or anything in this world.

That being said, this past Saturday, he went out drinking. He was drinking for about 12 hours and was ultimately blackout. He had shared his location with me earlier in the day so I knew he was okay but around 12:30, he stopped. I assumed this meant he got back to our room. 30 minutes later when I got home, he was no where to be found. I couldn't find him anywhere. I called repeatedly and he wasn't answering. I thought something may have happened to him. Around 15 minutes after that, he answered and told me he was just walking around outside. Once I saw him, stumbling, I just had a gut feeling. I knew he had done something. I prodded him and questioned for a while but he couldn't remember. He was just so drunk. I went through his phone and saw he had called a girl. I called her and found out they had sex just 15 minutes before. She didn't know I existed so I harbor no hate towards her. I did learn from her and his messages that there was no EA and that this was the only PA that had happened. I left him and the situation because he was too drunk.

The next morning he kept calling so I answered and we spoke. He got on his hands and knees, he cried and he begged for me to give him the chance at an opportunity. I told him I needed time and space to figure my feelings out. I went home to my family and am here trying to figure out what I want. He has made his intentions clear, he claims he'd do anything just for the chance at another opportunity with me. He claims I'm the best thing he's ever had. He owns up to his mistake. He hasn't made excuses and 100% owned up to his mistake.

I've been talking to my therapist and my support system. But I am just so lost. I love him more than anything. But will I ever be able to trust him again? Will I ever be able to see him in the same light? I don't know what to do. This is still so fresh but I am not the type of person to take too much time to make decisions. I would appreciate any advice as to my next steps. I continually go around in this roller coaster of wanting to try again and wanting to never see him and it feels like my head is going to explode.

Any advice or guidance anyone has, I'd appreciate.

[This message edited by tisabella13 at 12:39 PM, March 17th (Wednesday)]

It’s hard to know what to do after that cheating occurred during a drunken one night stand type of situation. No one knows what is the right thing to do. Because the behavior was fueled by being intoxicated. Would the cheating have occurred if he wasn’t drunk?

That’s the question.

I’m sorry my answers are vague. But here is what you shouid be doing for yourself.

Don’t make any promises to him right now about if you are together or not. It takes time.

Get your support group around you. Lean on them.

Figure out if his drinking is a serious problem or not. You may be young and it’s hard to know something like that, but you need to reflect on the past. Is everything in his life focused on drinking? If yes it’s something to watch. I’m not saying it will be a lifelong problem but then again I’m not saying it won’t be a problem.

Keep posting here. Remember you come first. If you need space and time then he should respect that.

For being fairly young, and in a traumatic situation, from what you have described so far, you have handled yourself VERY well. You asked for space, and you have gotten real support....familial and professional. Excellent.

Infidelity is tough. It strips away trust. Even if everything happened 100% like described, it will take a long time to recover. There is no quick fix. You will receive all sorts of advice here---but the truth is it is YOUR decision to make. If you do choose to try and make it work, we can help you in detecting acceptable and unacceptable behaviors from your boyfriend. But what everything will boil down to is trust---WILL YOU BE ABLE TO TRUST HIM AGAIN?

Only time will tell. His behavior will be paramount to your recovery if you attempt to reconcile.

But I will ask---How did he get this girl's phone number....let alone call and meet up.....if he was blackout drunk?

@The1stWife I honestly do not believe the infidelity would have happened if he had not been intoxicated.

@jb3199 As for the girls number, we live on a college campus. This was an old hookup from before we were together. I was never concerned because they never texted and she wasn't a part of his life or either of our lives. She was just an old hookup. Because we live on a college campus, he could walk to her dorm which is fairly close to where we live.

Thank you both for your words, I am so grateful

[This message edited by tisabella13 at 12:52 PM, March 17th (Wednesday)]

In vino veritas.

Does he binge drink often? If you excuse it this time, how likely is it to happen again?

The underlying desire, the decision to do this, and to turn off tracking shows he still had some forethought. It shows that he had enough of his wits about him to know what he was doing WAS wrong. He told himself the lie that if you didn't find out you wouldn't get hurt. He might have even thought further ahead and relied on you accepting drunkenness as an excuse.

If you are going to try to reconcile, he needs to figure out why he told himself this lie.

6 months is the blink of an eye in your life. Imagine putting in more years with him, only to be betrayed again when he is in a bad place, gets drunk, and decides if you don't find out it won't hurt you.

Hi, welcome to SI, so sorry you find yourself here.

You have not told us your age, but honestly, and gently, if you were my daughter I'd probably tell you to run.

You are only six months into this relationship, and this guy has not only cheated, but got plastered and blacked out? Does he have a problem with alcohol?

Cheating is not a mistake, it is a choice. A mistake is when you forgot something at the grocery store, an error in your checking account, cheating is a choice. He knew exactly what he was doing because he turned off his tracking.

So this is his second go-round with this girl, obviously there's something there even if it was just a hook up. Understand there is never any justification for cheating, ever.

Trust can come back, but it will take YEARS, not weeks or months.

He has shown you who he is, please believe him. Six months is just a drop in the bucket, you have your entire life ahead of you, you deserve an honest, faithful, sober man.

I’m torn finding out two details — she’s someone from his past and he had enough sense to turn off his location tracker on his phone.

From here on in —. You will need to be vigilant and wary.

It’s up to you to figure out if this is the kind of relationship you want to be in.

My older sister more experienced self would say if anything else occurs with this guy like excessive flirting or something you just don’t approve of — then you should end it.

Hello! :)

RUN!!!

RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNN!!!

KEEEEP RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNIIINNNNG!!!

Are you still running???

Yes???

GOOD!!!

You are young.

You have your entire life ahead of you.

Is he a black out drunk?

Who knows, but he hasn't disproved it so far.

Is he a cheat?

Who knows but he hasn't disproved it so far.

I've been drunk off my ass while young, while old, while in between, and not cheated, not even come close.

In fact, when I was drunk off my ass, my predominant impulse was to put myself safely to bed, ALONE, or in the presence of a trusted friend who was NOT attempting to mess with my tingly parts, regardless of context. WTF???

Fuck this shit.

Read that again.

FUCK THIS SHIT.

RUN.

SIX WHOLE FUCKING MONTHS MIGHT FEEL LIKE A WHOLE LIFETIME TO YOU AT YOUR AGE.

Trust me, six months is *nothing.*

RUN.

GET OUT NOW.

'Black out drunk' and 'had sex 15 minutes ago and does not remember it' is NOT an auspicious beginning to an adult life with adult responsibilities.

RUN.

If you are both still in college, you are still quite young. Your boyfriend has two problems. He is on his way to being an alcoholic, if he hasn't arrived at that point already, and he is a cheater. You have been dating for only six months. That is an extremely short time in the scheme of things. You are also very young. This betrayal has poisoned the relationship. You will have trust issues with this guy for quite some time even if his behavior is perfect from this point forward. Why on earth would you want to gamble your future with this guy? He has failed the boyfriend test in such a short period of time. Go find someone with a better character that doesn't have a drinking issue. You are just too young and your relationship so short to stay with this guy after what he has done. Finally, you must realize this was not a mistake. He consciously made an effort to get together with someone with who he has had sexual relations in the past. It was a booty call and he knew it. You only found out about it by going through his phone. Who knows if this was the first time since you have been dating? In your first entry, you state that this was the first time the two of them had sex according to the AP but in your second entry, you state that she is an old hook-up of his. Inconsistent and troubling information. Maybe you should have another conversation with the AP.

[This message edited by src9043 at 2:16 PM, March 18th (Thursday)]

I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months now.

6 months.

Six months and already betrayed and put through ridiculous, unnecessary drama.

He has given you a gift.

The gift is a view into the future.

In the first six months of a new relationship, people are normally still very deeply entrenched in a state of infatuation with each other.

Evidently, he needs additional infatuation outside of what he is supposedly feeling with you.

Mind you, what he did had zero to do with you or your relationship with him.

Being drunk is NOT an excuse - at all.

But, drunk or not, he likely will spend much of his life seeking that “new female attention/sex” because it feels validating for him - and that’s his problem.

It’s a problem he has that has nothing to do with you and there is nothing you can do to fix it.

In a case like this - where you are very young and the relationship is very short - I would recommend not wasting any more of your life’s time with it.

It’s quite apparent, after only six months, he has proven himself as NOT relationship material.

I would advise to leave him, his alcohol issues, his drama, and his infidelity to your past.

There’s much, much better out there.

As well as the infidelity think carefully about the drinking. Does he drink that much more than his friends? Does he ever choose drink over you?

I would always advise someone to run away from a relationship with an addict.

You are so young too. There are many and better options out there for you.

I was in your shoes at your age. Dated a guy that I was in love with. Every weekend was spent in the bars. Sports events. Bars. Go out to dinner. Bars. Go bowling or some activity. Bars.

At age 20 I realized he was an alcoholic. With a bad temper and jealousy off the charts.

I’m not saying this is your BF but be aware of what happens when he drinks. This is a red flag 🚩.

I’m an old timer from 2010. I don’t post much anymore, but I log on to read. I felt compelled to respond to your post because I’m hoping you can be convinced to run. Otherwise, you’ll end up like me.

Please understand that I’m not any smarter or better - I’ve just been around on this planet for a lot longer and want to try to impart what I’ve learned. What I know is that getting black out drunk seems like a somewhat normal thing in college, but it is not normal. And it’s even less normal to get that wasted and have the wherewithal to turn off a phone tracker, and screw around with a past hook-up while your supposed soulmate is waiting for you at home. His tears and remorse now are hard to swallow since that was not an accident, but a choice. Those 15 minutes with the other girl will now cause you to have all sorts of emotions and problems if you choose to stay. Every time he wants to go out, you’ll feel obligated to go with him, even if you have an exam the next day. You will track him more and turn into his mommy/warden rather than his partner. That kind of relationship is awful and not sustainable. You deserve much better and you have your entire life in front of you to find it.

You don’t want to be like me. I married someone like him and it didn’t end well. I suspect he cheated more than once, but his true self came out after two small kids and 15 years of marriage - that’s when he ran off with his secretary and left me to raise our kids - one of whom was barely out of diapers - by myself. I’ve spent the last 11 years working my ass off, raising my kids and trying my best not to run him over or stab him in the eyeball. You see, the excessive drinking and cheating signal that you’re with someone who is as selfish as the day is long. That doesn’t stop. You can’t love him out of that. It’s a major character flaw that you either dump now or spend a lot of years down the road talking to a therapist about. This is the sign. You got it - he showed you exactly who he is and what he’s capable of. Don’t ignore it. This may be your only chance to get out easily without too much muss or fuss, unlike many of us who have to hire lawyers, split assets and watch our children walk out the door with the cheaters who no longer give us the time of day.

Please get out of this. He doesn’t deserve you and he will most certainly show you that again. Next time though it may be when you’re much older and life is no longer set on a college campus.

I am so sorry you have a reason to be on this site - it is traumatic to be cheated on by the person we trust and have let into our hearts and lives.

This may be a wake-up call for both of you, him for his drinking issues, ability to hook up with an ex (or stranger, or ...) and (conveniently?) 'not remember it', resulting in losing a relationship that he claims means everything to him. For you, the wake-up call is all the above, and the fact that you've only been together 6 months and this has happened (which is really a blessing in disguise, since you don't have any legal ties to him yet).

Like others have said, RUN. Run and learn from this: do not tolerate the disrespect, the exposure to STD's, the loss of trust and the worry that it will happen again. No matter what you decide, your relationship with him will NEVER be the same - infidelity changes it, whether you're married to them or not. Get tested for STD's, even if you think this is the first time he's cheated.

In hindsight, there were red flags in my relationship with my ex, flirtations that were explained away as "I'm just a friendly guy!", ogling other women that was denied, rumors of him being a little too friendly and a little too physically close with other women. STUPID ME. I loved him and thought 'he was the one', and foolishly thought he felt the same about me. Over 31 years invested in the relationship/marriage before I found out he'd been cheating, with countless women, THE ENTIRE TIME.

Not trying to project my experience on you, just saying that, if I'd been given absolute evidence of cheating at 6 months in, I'm sure I would have made a different choice and saved my heart, my life, and the lives of my kids from being absolutely shattered and destroyed.

Please, RUN.

[This message edited by MakeMineReal at 11:51 PM, March 24th (Wednesday)]

I’m so sorry that you have found us Tisabella. However, you are in the right place to get some incredibly powerful advice! Keep posting and reading. SI has been instrumental for me in my healing since D-day.

First and foremost, kudos for taking care of yourself so quickly after D-day. You are leveraging counseling and family/friends to cope, taking space from him, etc. Keep doing this! And take your self-care a little further – you are the priority right now! Make sure to give yourself the grace to feel whatever you feel (sadness, confusion, anger) … those feelings are all normal. Make sure to eat, hydrate, do some exercise / meditation. And remember to BREATHE!

Secondly, it’s ok to not know what you want to do right now. Infidelity causes significant trauma, regardless of how the infidelity came about, and you need time to work through it all. You will be surprised at how certain triggers make you cry or bring it all back to you. Don’t make any promises to him and give yourself the time to figure our what you really want.

Thirdly, will you be able to trust him again? Well, I’m a bit skeptical about this myself given my circumstances, but only time will tell. Words without behaviors are meaningless, so you need to watch his behaviors to truly know if building trust with him is possible. Infidelity is not only disrespectful and cruel, but it’s a true betrayal against what you believe a relationship should be. It is a violation of trust, companionship, etc. My therapist told me that when my WH cheated, my marriage died that day. God, that was difficult to hear, but I’ll say something similar to you. Your relationship as you know it is over, and you will never forget what has happened. Building relationship 2.0 (and trust as a foundation) will take a long time to do, so ask yourself if that is what you want to do.

As you will see, many here are saying to ‘run’. You have to make that decision for yourself, but you are young and have so much of your life ahead of you. I tend to agree with what everyone says.

There are other ‘fish in the sea’! When you are young and in love it is difficult to see that, but I promise you that you deserve someone who won’t stray, no matter how drunk he is. Someone that will cherish you for the amazing person you are. Who will love you back and treat you with respect. It doesn't mean that in five years, when your boyfriend grows up and is the man of character you deserve, that you can't try again.

Letting go and stepping away is incredibly difficult to do. But, you are stronger than you think. Choose yourself always, and never settle for anything less than you deserve.

[This message edited by Venus1 at 1:11 PM, March 25th (Thursday)]

I'm sorry you're finding yourself here when your college years should be a fabulous time.

I have one daughter in college, and one about to enter in the fall. If either of them were to tell me that their boyfriends cheated on them, I would gently tell them to walk away. There is so much life left to live, and at 6 months you really don't know this boy at all. Except that he chose to cheat. It wasn't an accident. I'm so sorry.

Alcohol is not an excuse for cheating, EVER! Take your time to heal and assess yourself if you really want to continue the relationship with him or not. I know it will be hard to trust him again.

It's hard to believe he was that drunk but was able to turn off location tracker. I'd definitely work on yourself but when it's just six months into a relationship that is very concerning. I wish you all the best. Just know you will get through this.

deleted - the poster is gone and not coming back.

[This message edited by rugswept at 4:37 AM, June 22nd (Tuesday)]

Rug, I belive you're correct. I just hope the powerful words if the ladies here have guided her in the right direction.