SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

hi. i'm sorry if this is the wrong forum. i don't know where to put this, so feel free to move or delete.

i'm 38 and physically disabled with athetoid cerebral palsy. it basically means that my motors are messed up. i have constant moving parts. not shaking, just moving. as a newborn, i didn't have enough blood in my body. my blood type is O-positive. my mom has the same blood type, but she had already lost a lot of blood giving birth. so my dad and his siblings had to go blood hunting. by the time they found someone, it was too late. i couldn't walk until i was 6. but my thinking is 100% fine. i had a very normal upbringing with of course, challenges. i was never a part of the disabled groups in school. i was always just another regular student.

i was using the yahoo chatrooms to meet women from all over the world up until yahoo messenger's demise. i've met plenty of women virtually, hiding my disability from them all. trading nudes was common, too. i had 5 long term sexting relationships with married women, and 3 with women with boyfriends. 3 of these relationships lasted for over a decade. as far as i know, none of the SOs knew or suspected anything as i would ask regularly. i knew it was very shitty of me, but i was getting off to it. looking back, i was a 100%, grade A piece of shit back then. i know it and own it.

about a year ago, i finally decided to stop hiding my disability and end this nonsense with taken women(in the middle of a godamn pandemic of all things, but it's a start, right?). despite my disability, i'm constantly being told that i'm a pretty decent looking man. and i never knew how many women just don't care about disabilities until now. so far, i've had sex with 3 women regularly and a few ONSs. obviously, i have some limitations because of my disability. but they understand and most of the time, they don't care. they don't say anything, but i can see it sometimes with the frustrated looks they give me. i asked all 3 regulars before we started if they were married/taken. all 3 told me that they weren't.

fast forward to about a week ago, i got suspicious of one because i overheard a phone call. so i went through her phone and found out she was married. i got pissed off and ended it with her. so naturally, i'm suspicious of the others now. i go through their phones, and low and behold...one of them is also married and the other is in a long term relationship. again, i ended it with the one with a boyfriend. the married one is in a open marriage, but why hide it? she said she told me, but i told her i clearly remember asking her if she was married, and she answered with a resounding no. i don't get it.

so even when i try avoiding them, i can't. unbelievable how many cheaters there are these days. jesus christ!

Not sure what you're looking for, but I can guarantee you won't find any sympathy here. And most folks won't be this nice in their response.

Just so you know.

@CaptainRogers

just getting it off my chest. i should get a ton of hate and rightfully so. i was truly a piece of shit.

I have been in your shoes having ONS during college. Come to find out later that they had a partner. I was a betrayed spouse just before Freshmen year of college and I let the BS of those girls know what was going on.

Do I feel guilty that I slept with somebody else's partner? Yeah a little bit, but I never went searching for somebody else's partner. IMO if you went out looking for girls that already had an SO then shame on you. If you did not know that some of these women were already in a partnership then to be honest you have nothing to feel bad about.

Some people are just shitty. I knew of a few people making multiple SM profiles and living a double or triple life. I mean look at Jason Collier the police chief that had a wife as well as multiple girlfriends. Some of those women did not know he was married at all. Glad the karma train ran him over.

@BigNoob

i never went looking for taken women. but i truly didn't care if they were, either. i knew damn well about the SOs with my long-term sexting partners. they would constantly bitch about their SOs. i tried to avoid these conversations as best as i could. TBCH, i didn't consider it cheating at the time, as it was online only. the internet wasn't nearly as big back then as well. so i didn't think much of it.

i tried to avoid these conversations as best as i could.

The moment you found out they had an SO in their life was the moment you should have politely and respectfully pulled out of any interaction with them. Avoiding the subject is not an extenuating circumstance in this case.

Are you here maybe looking for what proper boundaries may look with any future partners? Or do you feel confident in your boundaries today?

So, do you want to become a better man?

If so,you can start by contacting the husband's of these women,and informing them of the affair. Including the one in an open marriage. You would be surprised how many spouses don't know they're in an open marriage.

@Sceadugenga

i agree that i should have stopped. but i was a fucking idiot back then. like i said, i didn't think much of it. it was a pathetic display of boundaries.

@jb3199

i'm pretty confident in my boundaries today. i know where to draw the line, and i know how not to step over it.

@HellFire

yes, i should tell the SOs. the partner who said she was in a open marriage is in fact in a open marriage. i just don't understand why she would hide it?

To other Betrayed Spouses: Before you unload on this guy, please keep in mind that he didn't sleep with your spouse. And while his condition doesn't absolve him of his ethical and moral responsibilities, ACP is the result of a serious brain injury and it's not easy to live with or manage.

Otherman, I can only imagine how challenging it must be for someone with your condition to find other people with whom you can relate, let alone trying to connect with someone on a romantic and intimate level.

Are you involved in any support groups for people with ACP or other disabilities, either in-person or online? If not, I think it would be a good idea to find some groups so you can discuss your struggles, feel less alone, and perhaps learn how other people navigate the dating world.

Do you have close friends that you can rely on for companionship and emotional support? How do you find and maintain friendships in the real world? I think strengthening your connection will people offline will lessen your need to seek validation virtually.

Also, how are you meeting your sexual partners? If you're meeting them on hook-up apps, that's part of the problem. If you're really interested in developing a serious relationship, use dating sites that are more serious and require more user effort, like Match or eHarmony.

If you're snooping to find out that these women are married, then you're probably having sex with people you just met and don't know well. Also, it doesn't seem like they're sharing their social media with you or even dating you. If someone is treating you like a dirty secret, it's probably because you are one.

Cheaters are liars. Generally, they won't admit to strangers that they're married or in a relationship unless, perhaps, the person they're cheating with is also married or in a relationship (mutually assured destruction).

So here's my tip: Stop having sex with strangers or people you don't know well. Go out on dates, see them in public, connect on social media, visit their houses or apartments, and meet their friends before you hop in the sack with them.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:08 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

To other Betrayed Spouses: Before you unload on this guy, please keep in mind that he didn't sleep with your spouse

All responses have been from BS, and I've not seen anyone unload on him. Quite the opposite.

OP, it's surprising how many people, who are in open marriages, cheat. It seems they do it for the thrill, of being able to get away with it. Many open marriages have boundaries. Such as, only having a sexual relationship with someone the other spouse has met and approved of. It doesn't really matter why this particular woman was cheating.

You should get into IC. And contact all the BS who were cheated on. And get tested for stds. Maybe stop dating for awhile, and work on yourself.

Hellfire, I can see how other man’s post can be triggering and could tempt harsh responses (as Capt pointed out). I wasn’t criticizing anything that you or others said thus far.

I think he needs BS perspective so I would hate to see this get slapped with a stop sign.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 2:26 PM, March 16th (Tuesday)]

@BluerThanBlue

i'm not afraid of responses from BS. i can handle it. and i would never wanna put a stop sign on my thread. i like to get everyone's point of view, no matter how harsh the replies get. i deserve it.

1. i'm not involved in groups. i've thought about it though.

2. yes, i should go to IC.

3. i have plenty of friends to fall back on. my best friend knows everything i have done, and got pissed off. he scolded me a few times. he was part of the reason why i decided to end the nonsense with taken women.

4. i've met a few off tinder. i met one of the regulars at costco(the one with the long-term boyfriend). the other regulars were off reddit and a chat site respectively. i talked to them all for over a month before we started meeting up. they actually hid it well. if i didn't overhear the phone call, i would have never known.

@HellFire

i asked the one in the open marriage why she hid me. she said she didn't think her husband would approve. so you were right. smh. i managed to convince her to let me meet her husband. we'll see how that goes.

Keep your best friend. He has integrity and he will set you straight.

The use of the word “regulars” was really off to me... you’re talking about yourself as if you were a prostitute and they’re johns.

Do you actually want a committed relationship? Or do you want casual sex?

If you’re using hookup apps and forums like Reddit, you’re not going to be engaging with people who want anything serious, including women who are already in relationships and just looking for a side piece. That’s the sad reality, unfortunately.

@BluerThanBlue

i saw the women regularly. that's why i use "regulars."

i do want a committed relationship. i thought i was gonna have to choose between these 3, but they threw me a curveball.

So I guess the obvious question, other man, is why you are drawn to meeting women who are clearly not available. Wouldn’t it be nice to have a real relationship? What do you think is holding you back from being g authentic and not just an OM?

otherman won't be joining us anymore