Notagain1 posted 3/11/2021 04:45 AM

My husband of 30 years is an alcoholic. He always was a drinker and in 2003 he began drinking to extreme. This time was horrible as he worked away from home and when he did come home, he spent that time in the bar. With two kids, I was angry and bitter that I was alone and the money was foolishly spent. This period ended with a year long affair in 2004. He stopped drinking and we stayed together.

Fast forward a few years, the cycle starts again, so much so when he moved for a job in 2015 I almost stayed behind and left him. I did move also, we bought a house, things seemed good, but he still drank. Some nights so much his speech would be slurring and he wouldn't remember anything we talked about. I asked him to stop, I said I would leave and I retreated into a safe place to protect myself, always thinking I should get out.

In 2019 I finally started getting counseling for myself and taking meds, He continued drinking I continued asking him to get help.

This weekend I found out he started seeing someone else in January. As we talked tonight he said he enjoyed talking to someone who wasn't sad or bitter. Someone who cared and wasn't always angry, who doesn't lash out to show everyone their true colors, but what really pisses me off is the fact he chose not drink for two nights because she has always been with douche bags who did. I am hurt and feel like I must be crazy, because he never loved me enough to try and stop. My bitterness and anger has only come from living with him for so long, from forgotten conversations, times spent watching him drink to extreme and from feeling not good enough of a person for him to stop for! So Please help... Is it me? Am I the Crazy one?

bookworm19 posted 3/11/2021 06:07 AM

I don't post much, but the posts about alcoholism just trigger me. And sorry for being a bit harsh.
Yes, you are the crazy one, just not in the sense I think youe are asking. You shouldnt wait for him to change, he has no motivation. I have seen what it does for children if their mother stays with drinking and cheating father, it's just sad and creates more pain you can imagine. Dont wait for him to change, his brain is probably damadged allready and he has rewritten everything, he has probably convinced himself he's drinking because you are bitter and nagging, it's so twisted, I'm really sorry, but it's crazy to stay

The1stWife posted 3/11/2021 06:24 AM

It’s not YOU weren’t good enough - he’s NOT good enough for you.

Your life sounds mediocre at best. What are you going to do to change it? Do you have a plan to get out of his infidelity and alcohol infused lifestyle?

I’m not saying you have to divorce him. But how do you get away from living in an alcohol /addiction type environment?

nomudnolotus posted 3/11/2021 08:42 AM

I grew up as the child in this situation, with a cheating alcoholic father. I can say that it made me broken, to live in that situation. My mother begged him to get help for years, and finally chose to leave when I was 13. I wish she would have left earlier, for her sake, and our sake. She never talked bad about him. He blame shifted and rewrote history. He finally got sober a few years later and has been sober for 30 years, heavily into AA. Not until he was 80 years old did he admit that he was to blame for the entire situation, and it wasn't my mother's anger and bitterness, rather he caused that, and he was at fault, and he regrets what he did to his family, and losing his family because of his own poor choices. You are not to blame for anything he's done, he is the only one responsible.

barcher144 posted 3/11/2021 13:16 PM

So Please help... Is it me? Am I the Crazy one?

Yes, you are the crazy one for listening to a single thing that an alcoholic tells you. I mean that in the nicest way possible, of course.

This is basically a classic case of an alcoholic gaslighting a co-dependent. It's YOUR FAULT that he drinks, right? And "proof" is that he was able to NOT DRINK for two nights in an attempt to get laid.

His drinking, sadly, has NOTHING to do with you. It's 100% on him.

He can stop drinking for a couple of days for a woman... but it won't last. Imagine how long it would take before it was HER FAULT that he was drinking.

Notagain1 posted 3/11/2021 14:09 PM

I am not staying!! I knew that when I first heard.

His words cut deep and with all the emotions I just needed to hear that what he says is not relevant to what has occurred. Yes I hated him, Yes I said F you... Who wouldn't when they face another night alone!!

Of course that person is happy, she hasn't had to deal with his bullshit for 25 years! And FYI He said he couldn't even get it up!

[This message edited by Notagain1 at 2:11 PM, March 11th (Thursday)]

crazyblindsided posted 3/11/2021 14:16 PM

(((Notagain1))) I am so sorry he sounds like a real jerk. I stayed too long with a SA/NPD I'm sure it damaged my kids You are not crazy he is and will be until he figures his life out which could be never. I'm glad you are deciding to get out of this situation.

homewrecked2011 posted 3/11/2021 23:30 PM

Learned in AlAnon: we are afraid to move on because we think we have to explain why we are doing this. But, we don’t owe anyone an explanation. As long as we know in our hearts/head we know this is the best move for us, we just have to do it. The alcoholic and enablers will not ever understand our reasoning, and that’s ok!

StillLivin posted 3/11/2021 23:38 PM

You're only crazy if you were staying, which you aren't. Thank goodness too. Please get into counseling for you. Dealing with an affair is crushing, but dealing with an alcoholic too is even worse.

Bigger posted 3/12/2021 07:54 AM

Notagain1

Gently – why are you posting in Separated/Divorced?
Are you either?
If so then why do these conversations take place?

What I can tell you is that the only reason the woman he’s been speaking to since January isn’t as “crazy” as you are is time. Given time, if she remains, she too will be just as bitter and angry.
And BTW – you aren’t any more crazy than the rest of us.

Notagain1 posted 3/13/2021 19:11 PM

Bigger

Yes, we are separated. I am done trying and he wants to pursue his new relationship.

CometGirl posted 3/14/2021 01:47 AM

Just curious, your story says your daughter went out to eat with your husband and OW. Why didn’t she tell you about the OW? Did she not suspect what was going on?

Notagain1 posted 3/14/2021 08:27 AM

We live 5 hours away from family. She is 3 hours away. She was concerned about me finding out and being alone to deal with it.

CoderMom posted 3/31/2021 22:27 PM

He will only stop when he truly wants to change. My first husband used to drink himself drunk 4 - 5 nights a week, driving drunk to get home, and then passing out or laying in front of the toilet half the night.

It never mattered what I said to him about his habits or how it affected the relationship or that he was out cheating on me when he was drinking. Nothing I said mattered.

He found 2 more relationships after me, and the last girlfriend he had, they were bar hopping and he was going over 100 mph and ended up killing them both on a motorcycle, because of his drinking. They had a child together and he had 2 children with me, so he left behind 3 children that he knew about. Sometimes I wonder how many illigitimate children he may have had from all of his cheating.