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BluerThanBlue posted 3/2/2021 08:40 AM

It’s a combination of a “knight in shining armor” syndrome and superiority complex. I like being in control and being in charge. And the saddest part is I use money as a means for that control.

Fanny, this is the most self-aware and insightful thing you've posted thus far.

I knew back in your original thread that your motivation for not confiscating and selling the truck and boat was that you knew for a fact that once you did, you would never see him again. He knew that too... which is why he played by your rules for just as long as he needed to get what he wanted.

If you try to go after him for money-- which you know he doesn't have and which he doesn't legally owe you even if he did-- he will find a way to manipulate you using the same puppet strings you keep trying to hook into him.
So if your goal is break this cycle and free yourself of the hold he has on your heart, set him free. You don't own him. You will never own anyone else.

Now here's some practical advice for how to put your savior tendencies to good use while at the same time keeping your mind off him: Volunteer time, money, and vehicles to the needy. You seem to have an abundance of all 3, so why not spend some time giving meals to the homeless? Maybe someone who just got out of jail needs a suit to go on interviews? Maybe a domestic violence survivor needs a car or a security deposit for an apartment?

Give to people you don't know and who will never be able to repay you with anything more a heartfelt thank you.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 8:42 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

The1stWife posted 3/2/2021 08:44 AM

You cannot believe that THIS guy - with whom you spent 5 years and broke up with you via a text message — is going to pay you anything. This guy who hardly took you out on the boat you paid for. This guy who never gave you holiday gifts like you gave him. This guy who has no remorse for anything he did to you and treated you poorly and cheated on you.

He’s not going to pay you. You know that. He sure as hell knows that.

He’s going to say you did it as a favor or as a friend and it was NEVER a loan. It was a gift.

C’mon - you do know that don’t you????

siracha posted 3/2/2021 08:53 AM

Fanny - in sorry you are here again , i am sure you are not surprised . I am sure it still hurts even if its no surprise .
This guy isnt some complex enigma of a man , right off the bat he behaved like a commercial sex worker mining a sugar daddy and you are too smart not to know that you were ok with that so long as he stayed .
I know you think you are smarter today than you have been in 5 yrs , i would wager maybe you arent. - because the intelligent response is no contact . Everything else you are thinking is an addiction to the same old mistake pattern .
You said you need to see him presumably to get 3 k back ? Forget him for a min . This level of blindness to your true intentions alone should trigger a call to a therapist to help get out of your self deception cycle . If you dont believe in therapy and you dont believe in no contact then in a few mins you aee about to believe this loser is back in love with you . All these things are related my friend .
Go back and read your first post here to understand your active self deception to fulfill your unmet emotional needs . We all do this to some extent , its not something you cant unlearn.
Best of luck going no contact . I am rooting for you . Not every therapist is great but there is a great one out there for you . Please find them . You deserve to be loved and helped. Be your own knight this time

[This message edited by siracha at 9:34 AM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

FannyandCat posted 3/2/2021 10:48 AM

I PROMISE I have zero intention of getting caught up in his web of craziness. I just want my money.

If I go to the office there is the element of surprise. He won't know I'm there until I show up. And he will have no escape if we're in the same air space. That way I can go full alpha female on him, demand the money and make payment arrangements right then and there. He can venmo me the damn money in front of me. Then I walk away and NEVER look back.

Do I miss him? No, not really. I guess more than anything I miss the routine - the good morning every day and back and forth conversation. I miss his unique sense of humor that would always put me in stitches. I'll miss his cuddles and his kisses because he was an amazing kisser. But I'll get over that. I truly never want anything to do with him ever again. I truly want to forget the last five years even though I know that's impossible. I think seeing him one last time will make letting go easier because I'm no longer in a fog. He truly is rotten to the core. So being face to face with him without the veil so to speak will do a lot to move me forward with my healing.

And if I don't get the money? Well, then I can say I tried. Figure it's worth a shot - if you don't try you don't know.

newlife03 posted 3/2/2021 11:04 AM

I want to look inward and figure out how to stomp out the issues that have plagued me with men my entire adult life so I make better choices next time.

This is awesome. Most people live their entire lives stuck in a cycle because they can't do this. Looking inward is a scary thing to do and it's easier to look away.

The1stWife posted 3/2/2021 11:05 AM

Soooooo you believe you will confront him and he will make an agreement to pay you and he will honor that agreement.

And his history with you has been one of honesty and respect. (Eye roll)

I’m sorry that you believe he’s going to meet with you and you will have the chance to “go ballistic” on him. If I knew you in real life I would do everything in my power to stop you from that plan.

Because I believe you are better off not seeing him AND walking away with your dignity and self respect intact. You can continue with the excuses you tell yourself about this guy. It’s always “just one more time” to get my $, get my keys to the boat, etc.

This obsession with him is unhealthy. I think many people here would get a text like you did and never have contact with this jerk. You, on the other hand, continue to make attempts to talk to him, see him, have any bit of attention from him etc.

He’s gotten what he wanted from you. Unfortunately he lied to you about wanting a relationship with you. But it’s not the first time and his actions all along have shown you this.

Sadly I urge you to walk away. You have nothing you need to say and he’s not interested in it anyway.

Bigger posted 3/2/2021 11:36 AM

If you think your claim has merit then I’m OK with you asking he pay. I just wouldn’t bank on the money. And I wouldn’t spend time arguing with HIM about it or phoning him for payment. Your best path forwards is minimal contact with this man. MINIMAL to non-existent.

Is there a traceable way from you to him? Like did you transfer money to his account, or do you have a text or e-mail confirming his request for a loan or that he received cash from you? If not then I think him repaying is totally dependent on his honor and frankly I don’t see him as a stand-up guy. You could possibly take this to small claims court, but even if you won then getting him to pay up will be a task. Basically, is there any way you can PROVE you loaned him money or that you did not get some reimbursement already? Like if he claims he paid XXX in cash there is little you can do to disprove that.

I really see you wanted this to work. I think he did you an immense favor breaking up with you, and I’m fairly certain he did so because he sort-of knew he couldn’t get more money out of you.

I like your last line. The one where you state you are a catch. I want to give you a couple of pointers I would give my kids regarding dating:
Avoid people in financial disarray. Notice I don’t say poor but disarray. If a guy you are dating asks for a loan exceeding maybe 50 bucks and then only because he forgot his wallet in his other jeans… End it!
Expect a natural progression. You don’t want to jump into a marriage after 30 days, but if you are still dating the guy who only phones every 30 days after a 6-month relationship then move on. End it!
Never accept bullying. Be it physical, emotional, pouting, silent treatment… End it!
Avoid people in personal disarray! Very often the same people that are in financial disarray. If the man is divorcing or ending a relationship, then wait until it’s done. If they drink, do drugs, wear an ankle-bracelet with an electronic tag… End it!

grubs posted 3/2/2021 12:10 PM

FWIW, I have a rule about family and friends. Anything I loan or assist with is only done with the expectation that the assistance will never be returned. That thought process helps limits up front the assistance I give to what I willing to walk away from without concern. It also means that if circumstances warrant, I'm ok with it being a gift. When those gifts are repaid it's a bonus.


Personally, I don't think meeting in person is a good idea. You have very little to gain from it. He's only going to deflect and blameshift. Text him if you want the money back.

I think you would be better off, just writing it off as a payment for a lesson learned. Continuing contact with him to try to get it back isn't going to be healthy for you moving on. You already know it's going to take a concerted effort to get him to pay you back.

FannyandCat posted 3/2/2021 18:49 PM

I'm listening to all of you...I really am.

I wish he was different. I wish he loved me the way I loved him. I wish his heart was as lovely as his face. I wish he knew the woman who has stuck by him through thick and thin would have gone to the ends of the Earth for his happiness. But you can only lead the horse to water - you can't make him drink.

I know I will probably never see him or speak to him again. Well, that's not exactly true. We live in the same area, drive the same roads, go to the same restaurants and belong to the same pool. There's a definite probability I will cross paths with him in some public space at one point or another. So I'll see him but I won't speak to him.

And as far as the next guy goes - that six month hiatus just turned into a year. And I'm definitely considering therapy - I really need to learn how to love me and realize my worth - and that it's not tied to my bank account.

The1stWife posted 3/2/2021 18:57 PM

And I'm definitely considering therapy -

Step in the right direction. I hope you find a good connection and really have some great discussions. You would be surprised what you can learn about yourself.

siracha posted 3/2/2021 19:14 PM

Good for you ! You are an absolute catch and to mix marine metaphors the world should be your oyster . Dont let the losers drag you down , get some good therapy and a radical self care plan . Youve got this. .

Buster123 posted 3/2/2021 19:17 PM

And as far as the next guy goes - that six month hiatus just turned into a year. And I'm definitely considering therapy - I really need to learn how to love me and realize my worth - and that it's not tied to my bank account.
Sounds like a great plan, come back and post in the NB forum when it happens.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 7:18 PM, March 2nd (Tuesday)]

Charity411 posted 3/2/2021 19:36 PM

You go girl!!!! You got this!

BluerThanBlue posted 3/2/2021 20:16 PM

You’ve already lost 6K+. Must you lose what’s left of your dignity as well?

FannyandCat posted 3/3/2021 11:43 AM

So I showed up and asked for the money. Got a big fat no. Not surprised.

He said he broke up with me because I wanted someone that wanted to go out all the time and spend all their time with me and he didn't want to do that. He said he still loved me but needs a break. Well, I'll give him the longest break ever - forever. I'm moving on.

He said I pressured him too much and right now he just wants to be alone. Fine. I'll leave him alone. When he tries to come back (and I know he will at some point) I'll give him the same answer he gave me when I asked for the money back - NO.

I'm not going to lie - it was hard to see him. To look into those beautiful eyes of his and know I won't feel his kisses anymore. Regardless of how he treated me, our physical chemistry was off the charts and while I know being good in the sack doesn't parlay into a long lasting relationship the physical attraction is undeniable. But there are other men that are good in the sack out there and when I'm ready to dip my toe into the dating pool again I'll make sure he's not only good in bed but has a good heart.

I guess this is close to closure that I'm going to get and you know what? I'm ok with it. It's time to focus on ME and MY LIFE and what I can do to live the best one I can. Love doesn't just turn off like a switch and as I'm sitting here typing this the love I have for him is so very strong but I know it's unrequited. He can say he loves me but he doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. I liken it to this:

Letting go of someone you love is hard. But holding on to an unrequited love is even more difficult because you find yourself holding on to a possibility that isn't possible. It's time to stop the pain, stop the constant yearning and stop wondering when something I want to happen will because it won't...its high time I focus on what's more important - me.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 12:06 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

Lalagirl posted 3/3/2021 12:54 PM

I'm so sorry, Fanny...I truly am.

We are here to support you and to tell you that you will be okay. Huge hugs!

Lala

siracha posted 3/3/2021 13:34 PM

Every break up feels bad , but not every break up is a bad thing . Focus on yourself and finding happiness as a single person also see a therapist and work on your relationship patterns - that way when the right man comes along you will be ready .

Charity411 posted 3/3/2021 13:45 PM

The fastest way to get over the feelings you have for him is to cut off any contact with him. It will be difficult at first, but you'll be surprised at how quickly your feelings about him will begin to change.

There is something you should try to remember about chemistry. Not all chemical mixes end well. A certain percentage of them explode, even if they seemed like a good idea at the time. Real chemicals come with warning labels. Human beings do not. I have a feeling there would be a lot less people on this site if they did.

You've seen who he really is. Believe him. And now it's time to start believing in yourself.

newlife03 posted 3/3/2021 13:59 PM

I wanted someone that wanted to go out all the time and spend all their time with me and he didn't want to do that.

He didn't want to give you the time and effort that you deserve.

he just wants to be alone.

Easy enough, especially with aunts and uncles and cousins around.

Love doesn't just turn off like a switch and as I'm sitting here typing this the love I have for him is so very strong but I know it's unrequited

I cried on the day that I filed for divorce, and cried again when the final papers came in the mail. Letting go doesn't mean those feelings automatically go away. Only time and self-respect will do that.

And we are always here to help you get through this!

[This message edited by newlife03 at 2:00 PM, March 3rd (Wednesday)]

Booyah posted 3/3/2021 14:32 PM

So you continue to be driven by your emotions and thus will continue to make the same mistakes over and over and over again. With this guy more than likely (again despite what you say) and any other man that comes into your life.

You'll continue to say all the right things but you won't put any effort into growing and learning why you continue to make the same mistakes over and over (by going to counseling).

The reason counseling hasn't worked for you in the past is you want instantaneous results but more importantly you won't put down the walls you've built up and don't have the courage to be honest with yourself.

How can you expect ANY man to give you honesty when you can't even be honest with you?

I also see that you have NO self worth (as has been pointed out to you by numerous members since you first posted here).

This may be off base, but from everything you've shared, it appears that how you get what you want is by buying things for men and using your body as a commodity (sex). This is how you get your hooks into a man to keep them to stay with you and get the validation you desperately seek (and need).

It's a crying shame that you do this because you appear to be extremely sharp, articulate, like to have fun, you have a lot of energy, loyal (to a fault), and numerous other wonderful attributes but you have no self-esteem and all of this is pushed down and you other things ($ and sex) to get the validation you desperately seek.

This guy definitely is a loser but I can see where men would tire of you because of two things. First your kindness comes with strings attached and secondly you are definitely a high maintenance individual.

No man (or woman) who truly has his act together will stick it out for the long haul. It's not healthy and it's not a great foundation to build a relationship on.

You can tell me to F off or ignore this (it's your call).

It might behoove you to go back and read every thread/post you've made here on SI. It would hopefully be an eye opener.

Nothing has changed at all.
You don't take any wisdom at all.
You continue to make the same mistakes over and over because you are again driven by your emotions and you're broken inside.

How much more time do you want piss away?

Inside of you is an incredible person who's waiting to bloom but it needs some help and you're so prideful that you aren't willing to use the two resources that you obviously have (time + $) to get the help you desperately need.

You had the courage to go see this guy the other day. Why don't you use this courage to face what's broken inside of you for crying out loud??

I know a lot of what I have written is hard to hear and seems judgmental. Fanny I (along with countless others on here who have followed your story from the beginning) see an incredible woman that DESERVES the happiness you're seeking. You just need help and guidance.

Before you can get any of the love you're seeking, the family you're seeking, and the validation you're seeking, it ALL has to start INSIDE OF YOU first!!

You might say you do but your actions say otherwise.

You say no men for a year....ok great. Use your $ to find a damn good therapist and use the coming year to transform you because damn it you are worth it.

Charity has shared her story with you and as you can see by her testimonial things can change. It starts with a choice and than take one step at a time.

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