"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Booyah posted 4/15/2021 13:53 PM

You spent a couple of hours with someone and that was enough to determine that he's "normal" and "stable"?

You went out with him YEARS ago (one time) and never heard from him again because he "freaked out and didn't know how to ask you out again"??

WTF???

Fanny, why are you even opening a door just a tiny bit with any man right now???

You just do not get it. This is just another distraction that's going to hinder what you desperately need to focus on and that's you.

You are one of those people that can't be alone because you don't feel comfortable in your own skin and thus why it's a revolving door of you bringing people in and out of your life.

Can't you just sit tight and focus on you???

The same shit over and over again and you can't see it nor do you want to see it.

I've said it before and I'll say it again this thread and the people who are following your story (some trying to help you).....we're like rubberneckers driving by an ongoing accident!!!

I think you also in some sort of sick way enjoy the drama and like making yourself a victim.

Oh well...As the world of Fanny turns....

What a freaking soap opera this is!!

The1stWife posted 4/15/2021 14:16 PM

The level of desperation is always a factor. People see it a mile away and they run. Far. Fast. Anywhere to get out of dodge so to speak.

Your therapist doesn’t know you better than yourself. The therapist sees the pattern of behavior you allow and can predict that you are not going to change any time soon.

You SAY you won’t get involved in a relationship but your past actions have shown you take a risk for a guy. You thought Mr Jeep might be someone. You allowed a stranger in your home. You take stupid chances for a guy.

Now you think Mr “I Ghosted You But Hey I’m Back” might be someone. I wish you could understand the vibe you give off. Because it would give you some insight and possibly provide an opportunity to make some positive changes. You basically blast the BatSignal of desperation.

You’re not working on yourself. You are working on “what can I do to make myself more appealing” to a guy. Huge difference. Your posts are all about this guy and that guy and then this other guy.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:19 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

Booyah posted 4/15/2021 14:21 PM

Fanny I do care about you and what I said may seem harsh but it's because I do care.

Reading your story is tiring and I can only imagine what it's like to actually be living it.

Aren't you tired???

grubs posted 4/15/2021 14:29 PM

The level of desperation is always a factor. People see it a mile away and they run. Far. Fast. Anywhere to get out of dodge so to speak.
Your therapist doesn’t know you better than yourself. The therapist sees the pattern of behavior you allow and can predict that you are not going to change any time soon.

That if I found myself to be a catch I wouldn’t tolerate being treated so badly.

Fanny,
Please let that sink in, Healthy people looking for a healthy relationship don't do so with a person that is desperate or doesn't see themselves as a catch. Those that do are players. Someone living on a boat very much fits the player profile. You're going to do what you want to do, but there's a reason your picker can't be trusted and you should really fix that first.

[This message edited by grubs at 2:29 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

DanielJK posted 4/15/2021 15:52 PM

I think I understand what you are feeling.

I've been burned by infidelity. It's been about 11 months since finding out. I'm close to divorce and finally being physically separated from my abuser.

I desperately miss being loved. I want to try online dating to see how I would fare. I kinda need to know if there is anyone out there who would consider dating me and what they are like. I was with the same woman for 24 years, I have no idea what to expect.

I want to get back out there too.

I've set a goal for myself. Right now it's October. I work full time and make decent money, but I just got a part time seasonal job on Friday and Saturday nights all summer long, right up to October. This will keep me occupied and distracted at what I believe will be the hardest times for me, weekend evenings.

When that job is over, I will evaluate where I am. IC all throughout that time. Then who knows...

I'm starting to buy into what many folks here say. You should be comfortable in your own skin. You should know that you are a whole person, even outside a relationship. You should love yourself and be comfortable being alone. You should focus on you.

Also, maybe consider finding a man...stop letting him find you. Players are predators and they know their prey. Stay away from the predators.

Call it male intuition, but I feel like the last few guys are players. (OK ladies, you can stop laughing now...I know "male intuition" what the hell is that?)

Anyway, I thought I would give you some of my story as food for thought.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 3:53 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

siracha posted 4/15/2021 16:01 PM

Lol .. i want to support the above post with female intuition . Fanny my friend you are very smart and your issue has been that you deliberately delude yourself because you need to be loved and you dont have any good options .
Great job finally going to therapy , a few weeks in you will start to genuinely see that the love of a predatory damaged clown is going to do nothing for you . You need to love you . Its easier said than done . Do you have a pet ? They are invaluable

FannyandCat posted 4/15/2021 19:05 PM

I have a dog and a cat. I love them both immensely and spoil them rotten. The dog sleeps on one side of me and the cat on the other every night. I’m the middle of a lovable fur sandwich.

I don’t want to come off as desperate. And I don’t want to be easy prey to a player/predator. That’s not the vibe I’m trying to emit to men. If nothing else it’ll be nice to be treated like a lady by a guy who seems very interested, wants to get to know me and apparently gushed about me to his dad and golfing buddies today. Could it all be a bunch of cheesy lines to get me to take the bait? Sure...but I’ve never been a girl that sleeps around and to date have never had a one night stand with no intention to start anytime soon.

He’s taking me to lunch on Sunday...that’s it. Lunch. Do I find his seemingly endless curiosity about me flattering? Yes but I’m not responding in kind and letting him do the work. This is a table turner in my book as it ALWAYS had been me doing what he’s doing with men!

My therapist put it bluntly...if I just want to fuck him go ahead and get it over with. If I actually like him take it very slow and peel the onion. Get to know him and see what happens. The jury’s still out about how I feel about him but this new mindset of letting a man chase me and being a girl of high value sure feels empowering.

I made the ex wait three months from our first kiss before he got me in the sack but as soon as I gave it up I pursued him relentlessly to no avail. And really, I have no desire to sleep with this new guy...it’s the furthest thing from my mind. I enjoyed his company yesterday and hope we enjoy our lunch together on Sunday. Really...that’s it. I’m going with no expectations or predictions of what will or won’t occur.

Oh and he’s lived on the yacht (it’s 53’ long so I’m assuming the term is apropos here) for three years. Sold his house to pursue a dream. He lives there with his cat. That may seem a bit odd but it’s not doing anything for me. So he’s a guy that lives on a boat. So what? Not my cup of tea but that’s his deal not mine. I love my house and the neighborhood...a guy with a big boat doesn’t impress me. I’m looking forward to spending Saturday doing yard work and pressure washing the house.

And besides I’ve made it five days with no contact whatsoever with the ex. Small potatoes to some but for me I’m giving myself a gold star and smiley face with fruit scented markers.

HellFire posted 4/15/2021 19:25 PM

I'm going to be blunt, because you need to hear it.

The vibe you give off,here, is needy,and desperate. So if you are giving it off here, you are IRL as well.

This new man is a liar. He has told you the stupidest lie, and you believe him. He didn't know how to ask you out for a second date? Come on. Phone,text,message,in person,at the end of the first date,etc. He knew how. Yet he's told you he didn't, and you believe him. If you didn't, you wouldn't be making plans to see him again. He didn't gush over you to anyone today. He is telling you that to get what he wants.

You will have sex with him very soon,I predict. It will "just happen."

You NEED to be alone. You are mentally unhealthy right now. Broken attracts broken. Work on yourself. Learn to have some boundaries.

Stop being so desperate.

DanielJK posted 4/15/2021 19:34 PM

Tell him you you just ended a relationship and you just want to be friends for now and see how long he sticks around.

If nothing else it’ll be nice to be treated like a lady by a guy who seems very interested, wants to get to know me and apparently gushed about me to his dad and golfing buddies today.

Did he say this to you? "I gushed about you at my golf game today?"

He's good. Predator meets prey.

This is how I read it.

If nothing else it’ll be nice to be treated like a lady by a guy who seems very interested [in getting laid], wants to get [into my pants] to know me and apparently [pretended to gush] about me to his dad and golfing buddies today.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 8:02 PM, April 15th (Thursday)]

The1stWife posted 4/15/2021 22:12 PM

I wish it were “just lunch”.

You are a “yeah but” person.

Let me give you an example. I don’t sleep around BUT you actually do with the Ex. You were treated poorly by him yet still had a sexual relationship b/c you were trying to make it into a BF/GF relationship.

The contradictions continue. I really hope the therapist can get through to you.

FannyandCat posted 4/16/2021 07:26 AM

Day 6 of no contact - if I make it to a week that will set a record.

HellFire - I don't have sex with anyone "soon" - I don't fuck for fuck's sake. Nothing ever "just happens" - it's the reason I don't have a long sexual history. Sex is very important to me and something I consider special. Yeah I've kissed a lot of guys but I don't have a double digit count of men I've slept with. So no, I won't be sleeping with anyone "soon".

The1stWife - The ex was the only man I slept with for four years. I don't call that sleeping around I call that monogamy. And while the sex was great and things progressed over the years to a more serious relationship he never made himself emotionally available to me and took advantage of my feelings for him for his own personal and financial gain. My father said once that the only way you truly learn is from failing. This was an EPIC failure and taught me some valuable lessons I'll carry with me. Did my behavior with him make me look desperate? Hell yeah it did but again, that's a lesson learned and that behavior won't be repeated.

DanielJK - He didn't specifically use the word "gush" but did say he talked to his dad and the people he golfed with about me on and off all day. We ended up talking on the phone last night and I was frank about my expectations. That if he was just looking for sex I wasn't his girl. He assured me that wasn't the case and he was "very interested". I told him I wanted to take things slow, get to know each other and let things happen organically. All good things come to those who wait. It's the tortoise/hare theory - slow and steady always wins the race. He agreed and said he's willing to go at any pace I'd like. And it's just lunch on Sunday. JUST LUNCH!

I also asked him about that date seven years ago and why he freaked out. He said it was the best first date he'd ever been on and he didn't know what to do - that he's a different person now (people do change with time - I'm a big believer in that because I know I'm definitely not the same person I was seven years ago)and wants to give us a try. He also admitted that he did want to kiss me on that coffee date but held back because he knew I wouldn't be receptive to it. I appreciated that.

And besides, I have a weekend full of things to do WITHOUT a man. Today it's mowing the lawn, tomorrow it's trimming hedges and pressure washing the house followed by dinner with one of my best friends. I'm also restarting the side business I had a couple years ago selling cookies (I make damn good cookies lol) and making a TON of dough to put in the freezer.

siracha posted 4/16/2021 11:15 AM

Whether your number of partners is high or low the important thing is to find healthy emotional or non emotional sex . Here is the key point , the right strategy to finding love isnt baiting men with your body or your boat or your truck . The key to finding love is first finding your own sanity so a sane man can connect with you .
Either take a few months off dating to build up your own mental game or ... just know that any man you find today will probably be drawn to the fact that you seem like good prey. Be aware of that and don't over invest .
I want to be honest , you seem to want this next mans validation very badly ..... do you think he cant tell ?
Gently , for a woman your age ... thats not a healthy place to start from , you have already given him too much power over you .
Ask your therapist how to validate yourself so you are less vulnerable to predators .

Belle25 posted 4/16/2021 12:58 PM

I personally am convinced that this entire thread is the product of a good creative writer and we're all being taken for a bit of a ride.

But on the chance that I'm wrong, I also predict that OP will sleep with him within the next week or two, and he will either be talking about moving in with her or getting her to sell her house within two months. And she will eat it up because, attention from a man.

I also predict that she will use whomever she is seeing to make the ex jealous, even though he has no feelings for her and truly doesn't care what she does.

Also:

"I am perfectly happy being alone and don't need a man."

Two pages later: "I am really not happy on my own and would love nothing more than a partner."

Charity411 posted 4/16/2021 14:03 PM

I think it's unfair to call this new man a liar. We don't know him. We do on the other hand, know you at this point Fanny. Or at least what you tell us.

I think some common sense needs to be applied here. What are the odds of two days into yet another foray into no contact with ex, someone you went on one date with 7 years ago reached out to you on linked in? Right around the time you were posting here that you wanted to make ex suffer. What are the odds that someone who thought about you often for seven years just happens to reach out to you right now? For seven long years he never reached out, until right now. Oh...and he just happens to live on a 53 foot yacht, something that would be a dream life for your ex.

It's just my opinion, but I think one of two things is going on here. The first is that you have somehow figured out how to steer your ex to these pages and you want him to buy this story. Or, you're the one who reached out to yacht man and within weeks you'll figure out a way to get photos of you on that boat to your ex. This is your revenge.

Personally I'm going with scenario one. Because the odds of anyone confident enough to live year round on a boat isn't going to talk about you or anyone else on a golf outing all day after two hours in the park. And he certainly isn't going to pursue a relationship with someone he knows has no desire to live on a boat. I think you are playing out a fantasy in your head, just like you have been with your ex.

I think your therapist told you she thinks you hate to lose. I completely agree with that. You cannot stand that your ex dumped you. You said it yourself. You want to make him suffer for all the things he's done to you for the last five years. If yacht man is real, it's pretty damn crummy to use him to get to your ex. And if he's not, it's pretty crummy to use the people on this site for your revenge fantasy.

HellFire posted 4/16/2021 14:15 PM

I stand by what I said. He's a liar. He's asked her out the first time, and they supposedly, according to him,had a great time. But he claims he didn't know how to ask her out again. That's ridiculous.

According to her, He's a great guy,who has his life together. One can assume a man like that knows how to pick up a phone. Or send a text. Or, even say at the end of the first date, that they'd like to see her again.

Otherwise, I agree completely with the above post.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:17 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

Sceadugenga posted 4/16/2021 14:45 PM

The more I read this thread, the more clearly three words appear in my head: "histrionic personality disorder".

FannyandCat posted 4/16/2021 15:07 PM

I promise I didn’t reach out to him...it was pure happenstance.

I feel like I’m being labeled a liar here...that I’m just a creative writer taking people for a ride?! That hurt.

And Charity411...everything you surmised is 100% wrong. This guy literally contacted me via LinkedIn with no prompting from me. I have zero desire for the ex to reading anything on here and he doesn’t even know this website exists. That my crazy revenge fantasies are just that...fantasy and I know if I did anything it would just empower him while making me look like a psycho ex.

Belle25...thank you for predicting the next few weeks if my life. You couldn’t be more off base. Not going to sleep with him, not selling my house and not jumping into anything serious with him for awhile.

I guess it’s easy to rip someone to shreds on an anonymous message board but to be labeled a manipulative, conniving liar who is just out for vengeance on the ex while fucking my way into another relationship...man, are all of you this brutal in real life?

HellFire posted 4/16/2021 15:45 PM

One thing about being a BS..who has stayed on this site for years to share what we've learned..our bullshit readers are very finely tuned.

Where was this guy, for the last 7 years? For 7 years, he didn't know how to ask a woman out?

The1stWife posted 4/16/2021 16:00 PM

Fanny I’m sorry you feel attacked.

Speaking only for myself I have invested countless posts to help you. I’ve been supportive and BEGGED you to get counseling. FINALLY you did it. You decided to focus on you.

But............

Yes there is a but.

Your behavior has many of us concerned. For good reason. I’m not going to do a laundry list of your poor choices but suffice to say you are not making the best choices.

You went back to Mr Wonderful with the boat and SUV incidents. Drama drama drama. Then you realize it was never a relationship in the real sense — but yet you hook up with him even though you know you love him and he just tolerates you. It’s a bad situation for you yet you excuse it.

Mr Jeep buyer was yet another terrible choice you made. You are lucky to be alive.

Now you are into Mr. Ghost from 7 years ago. We can all see it’s not just lunch for you. You will jump into a relationship (good or bad) to have a guy in your life. You are seriously addicted to men and their attention and how you need it to validate yourself.

If you recognized this — you would understand what we are trying to tell you IN A POSITIVE WAY!! We are here trying to help you. We want better for you.

But you continue to sabotage any progress.

We are not haters. Quite the opposite. We wish to see you happy and living your best life and realizing you don’t need a man or relationship. But if you had it in your life it is a bonus. Not a requirement.

I’m sorry you don’t see it this way. We can see your posts where you contradict yourself again and again. We are trying to keep you on a better path.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:02 PM, April 16th (Friday)]

Sceadugenga posted 4/16/2021 16:29 PM

man, are all of you this brutal in real life?

No, I suppose we aren't. But then, we are regular people, not therapists. A trained therapist will skillfully validate your feelings and experiences while at the same time challenging you to reconsider them and see them in a more objective way. We lack such skill and we haven't been trained to remain serene and abstain from counter-transference. We are ordinary people, prone to irritation when our advice is willfully ignored, the mistakes we've been pointing out keep being made and, worst of all, OP's actions have us question their motives.

Everyone here wants to help, we simply no longer know how - and it's very frustrating.