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FannyandCat posted 3/24/2021 10:09 AM

I went out to dinner last night with two of my closest friends and both of them tore me up for my behavior with the Jeep guy. They echoed everything you said - they couldn't believe I let him in the house, they were shocked I wasn't hurt and that I actually took him on a tour of the house shows I literally have the worst judgement in the history of ever.

I'm 5'1" and maybe 100 lbs so yeah he could have thrown me across the room and done who knows what and no one would have known. And I had no plan whatsoever - I just got caught up in the great conversation, cute dog he brought with him and just hanging out with a good looking guy as he mounted the Jeep onto a trailer and secured it.

When he was done with the Jeep he asked to come inside to use the bathroom and wash up and I more than willingly let him in with no reservations or even a second thought. I (naively) didn't even think of the potential harm or possible issues with it. My friends were astounded I didn't end up on an episode of Dateline.

For three hours we talked about ourselves...he talked about his ex I talked about my ex. We talked about Jeeps, dogs, survival gear, antiques, dogs, our houses, the city I live, the city he lives in...just a bunch of stuff.

Belle25 - I abhor drama and try to live a drama-free life. But you're right that I think I latch on too quickly. I took that kiss that he found me attractive, liked me and wanted to pursue something. The only way we had communicated was through Facebook Messenger and after talking for a couple days afterwards exchanged phone numbers. I also took that as a signal he was interested. But here we are a week later and it feels like I'm in the same damn pattern - chasing him. I haven't texted him today and he hasn't texted me either.

My friends last night said I need lots of attention and that just because he doesn't text a lot shouldn't make me throw him into the trash heap - he's a very busy person and maybe texting just isn't his thing. Be cool they said - don't try so hard and if he wants to talk he'll let you know. If he doesn't his actions will tell you that too.

I must seem like the most desperate, pathetic woman on the planet. But I really had a great time with him that night and the kiss was sort of the icing on the cake. It provided a much needed distraction from the ex, was a bit of a confidence booster and it felt good. And since I'll never do online dating it was nice to meet someone organically. I've heard too many online dating horror stories and from what I've seen everyone is so disingenuous the whole endeavor seems like a royal waste of time. This was like (to me at least) an old fashioned way of meeting someone - he came to buy the jeep but we ended up connecting in other ways and off we went. I guess that only happens in movies.

grubs posted 3/24/2021 11:13 AM

I must seem like the most desperate, pathetic woman on the planet. But I really had a great time with him that night and the kiss was sort of the icing on the cake. It provided a much needed distraction from the ex, was a bit of a confidence booster and it felt good.

Desperation early on comes off as a really bad sign to men that you want to be involved with. To the point that it would send most good one interested in being in a LTR running the other way. Leaving you with the bad ones. The players or users.

Could this guy be an exception? Maybe. But the desperation and needing attention can be a sign that you need to work on yourself a bit before you're ready to be a healthy partner. Needing lots of external attention puts a lot of pressure on a partner.

The1stWife posted 3/24/2021 13:52 PM

If you donít believe in guardian angels or someone watching over you ó well you damn well should!!!

You let a random stranger come to your home to buy a car. And you let him inside your home.

How do you know he wonít come back and rob you? That should be the least of your worries.

You should have had someone else with you in a public place to sell this vehicle to a stranger.

You are a very lucky young woman. Please know that.

FannyandCat posted 3/29/2021 08:41 AM

Jeep guy is a thing of the past - we've stopped talking.

IC starts today.

I have a good friend flying in for the weekend so that will be a ton of fun...and no, I won't have to pay for everything.

I don't know if this is normal but for whatever reason I'm missing the ex. I know I shouldn't and I know he's rotten to the core...but I still miss him. And while things aren't going very well for him and will probably get worse I can't get him out of my head. My head is screaming that he's a lowlife loser who will only hurt me, use me, manipulate me and exploit me all I want is for him to hold me, kiss me and spend time with me. Sigh, therapy today is going to be interesting that's for sure.

We're not in contact...so rest assured...

Charity411 posted 3/29/2021 09:10 AM

Fanny..It is very normal to feel that way. You miss the habit of being around him. The routine, no matter how sporadic it was. You miss the idea of having someone romantic in your life, even if the romance part was mostly in your head.

Don't give in to it. Look at the lists we've encouraged you to write. It will jolt you back to reality. Good luck with your appointment. You've come a long way.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2021 09:38 AM

Itís easy to focus on the good times. Itís natural to muse those.

Unfortunately they were fleeting and over shadowed by the crap he dragged along with him.

If you really work hard and hang in there ó one day you will be glad you are out of his life and away from him and his lies.

newlife03 posted 3/29/2021 10:03 AM

I'm missing the ex. I know I shouldn't and I know he's rotten to the core...but I still miss him.

I understand this to, but over time I learned (thanks to the wonderful people here on SI) that what I was missing wasn't HIM, but the comfort of having him around. The routine, the everyday life I was accustomed to. I didn't really miss him as a person, just the life I had envisioned. I think IC will be helpful and I'll be happy to hear your progress!

FannyandCat posted 3/29/2021 11:38 AM

Back from therapy - going back for the second session next week.

All I can say is WOW...she is AMAZING!!! It was truly enlightening to hear her insight. But moreso her reasoning about why my picker sucks so bad. She cut right through the bullshit. There's a LOT of work to do but she knows that and she's going to help me trudge through it. More than anything she's going to help get the ex out of my heart and head - for good. And give me advice on how to make better choices with men in the future. Learn that I'm lovable without a wallet. She was keenly aware that I desperately want a family and don't have one of my own...and that men take advantage of that. We're going to work on that too.

For now I'm just replaying the session...I could have been there for HOURS.

The1stWife posted 3/29/2021 13:12 PM

Glad it was so helpful for you. A number of us strongly urged you to go last September. We were hoping you could see the value in it.

Happy to see you invest in yourself.

The1stWife posted 4/7/2021 16:03 PM

How are things going?

FannyandCat posted 4/9/2021 08:35 AM

The good: Had my second therapy session and she is truly an amazing woman. She's really helping me see why I make the decision I do and explained the reasons why the ex is such a horrible person. My birthday was yesterday and I had a fabulous time with friends - we took a sunset cruise then had a fantastic dinner. The table next to us also had a birthday and they ended up buying us a round of drinks! And today I'm going to another birthday barbeque at a friend's house...Saturday heading to the pool with a good friend. It's a four day birthday celebration. Feeling the love. I also decided to take a second job tutoring kids - the money is pure gravy but the feeling is priceless.

The bad: The ex and I are in contact again but not very much. I've seen him four times since the break up and we've had sex three times. In fact last night while at my birthday party he called asking to take me out. We saw each other earlier in the day and had what I thought was a thoughtful conversation. I had written him a letter and he sat there while I read it to him. It was long and I literally poured my heart out. I went to him because I was pissed he hadn't acknowledged my birthday and I guess his phone call last night was his attempt to rectify things. Anyway, after reading the letter he said once his legal troubles are over we can "broach the subject" of us and when I asked him if he wanted this he said he didn't know what he wanted and that he can't really think about it with all the legal problems he has. But we stood there and held each other for what seemed like forever. After the party he came over when I got home, we fucked each other silly and he ended up passing out on my couch. While I was looking at him sprawled out naked, snoring like a freight train I sort of had a come to Jesus moment.

The ugly truth: He's a good lover but not much else. At least at the moment. The relatives he has living at his house have completely taken over and he doesn't even have a key to his house anymore. He admitted to having slept in his truck because he was locked out - he got home too late and they had locked the door. If that's not pathetic I don't know what is. I also found a little thing on his key chain that had like 30 or so adderall pills in it. I tried to go through his phone but couldn't but what I could see wasn't incriminating. I guess I had to see him like that to think about who he is and what he could offer me. While I think he's gorgeous his looks are going to fade and really he's not going to amount to much in life. I love him - yes I really do - but I'm done trying. The bubble has popped. If he wants me, he can do the work - I've punched in my time card. No more chasing, no more reaching out, no more initiating contact. He's right - he's in a lot of legal trouble right now and that has to end before we can even begin to move forward as a couple. And while I can sit and wait for that, life is short. In fact, one of my friends at the party last night convinced me to join an online dating site on Saturday. We're going to do it together.

I'm 46 now - first day of a new age - time for a new beginning, a new me and a new path forward. I see the therapist again on Tuesday - we meet weekly. I'm ready for a fresh start and she's going to help me take the first steps.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 8:38 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

The1stWife posted 4/9/2021 09:15 AM

Iím so disappointed to hear you are in contact with the Ex.

I was really looking forward to seeing you grow and learn. I really hoped the therapy / therapist would have a positive impact on you.

I hope Charity411 will chime in. Her words and advice have been some of the best.

🥲

grubs posted 4/9/2021 09:21 AM

The ugly truth: He's a good lover but not much else. At least at the moment. The relatives he has living at his house have completely taken over and he doesn't even have a key to his house anymore.

Stop lying to yourself Fanny, he will never be anything other than that and then only when it's convenient to his needs. You deserve better.

It's a four day birthday celebration.
Just four days? My wife believes in birthday months.

FannyandCat posted 4/9/2021 10:01 AM

First progressive step...

Usually the next day after we see each other I ALWAYS reach out to him with something or another. Not today. I know he's at work and I could instant message him but I'm not and I won't. Might not seem like much but to me this is enormous progress. He's EXPECTING me to reach out...because I always do.

In fact, as he was leaving last night he told me to keep my front door unlocked so he could come back in the morning. Never showed up. That's typical - says one thing and does another. And I KNOW he's waiting for me to say something about it because I always would. And he would always have some lame excuse that I would gloss over. Not this time. So he didn't come back - big fucking deal.

My therapist said it would be best to steer clear of him at the very least until his legal troubles are over so I don't get sucked into it. She's right...I need to protect myself so that's what I'm going to do. Now do I WANT him to reach out? Sadly, yes I do...but I'm not going to chase it. And she made another good point. That if I start dating again and start meeting men it'll allow me to see how much better life could be with someone that makes me a priority. Hence why I'm dipping my toe into the online dating pool.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 10:01 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

HatsandBats posted 4/9/2021 10:09 AM

So sorry - just wrote heartfelt post on wrong thread so have edited.

[This message edited by HatsandBats at 10:11 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

DanielJK posted 4/9/2021 10:13 AM

I have to hand it to you, you're open and honest with us here.

I hope you won't mind if I'm honest...

I'm male. I know the male mind.

I think he's using you and he has you right where he wants you. It doesn't matter if you chase/don't chase...text/don't text...call/don't call. All he has to do is show up and he gets what he wants.

And I KNOW he's waiting for me to say something about it

I don't think he cares. It's actually better for him if you don't say anything about it. Now he can just show up, get what he wants...and bonus for him..., no nagging when he doesn't follow through on something he said he would do. Win/win for him, you just made things even better for him.

Next time he shows up I think you should get him all worked up about sex, then tell him to leave. Leave him high and dry, then go no contact. I guarantee he will not show up again.

[This message edited by DanielJK at 10:21 AM, April 9th (Friday)]

FannyandCat posted 4/9/2021 10:28 AM

DanielJK...

That's a good point.

And sadly I think this has been his MO for years.

He knows what I want and doesn't care about taking advantage of that to get what he wants.

I really need to think about that.

grubs posted 4/9/2021 10:34 AM

In fact, as he was leaving last night he told me to keep my front door unlocked so he could come back in the morning. Never showed up. That's typical - says one thing and does another.

Translating, He wanted you to leave your door unlocked in case he couldn't get into his house. Your couch is better than his truck.

Shockedmom posted 4/9/2021 12:24 PM

Echoing grubs. His intentions seem to be finding his way back to a comfortable place to sleep with some no strings sex. You deserve better than this. Look at this moment and stop settling.

Charity411 posted 4/9/2021 13:17 PM

I couldn't have said it better than Daniel and Grubs. And they're both men. They don't even have to speculate about how some males think. By leaving the door open, you really said "The door mat is back out".

My fear for you is that you most definitely will get sucked into his legal problems. He's making you aware of them because he wants you to bail him out. And he knows he doesn't even have to ask. He knows you. He knows you think you can save him. And he's leading you to believe that if you do he'll love you. And once you bail him out he'll be gone, and you'll be left holding the bag. Because he does not care about you one iota. You can ask him and he'll say all the right things until you bail him out again, or put yourself and your career in jeopardy and then he'll book. Then he'll remind you that he never asked. You offered. And he'll be right.

This is why everyone says to have no contact with him. If there is no contact, and you stop snooping in his life, you won't know what's going on with him and you won't get sucked in. And don't for a second believe anything he's saying about getting locked out and sleeping in his truck. He's punching your pity buttons. He needs something from you and it's not sex or love.

Do you really want to be this person who gets used and trashed repeatedly? You keep saying that now you can see who he really is. How many more times are you going to see it and close your eyes and lay down for it again. You can no longer plead ignorance.


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