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FannyandCat posted 2/15/2021 05:57 AM

It's been awhile since I last posted but wanted to provide an update because a lot has happened since my decent into madness last year...

We sold both the boat and the truck. My already great credit score got even better taking both notes off my credit report. Got a good price for both too...in fact the guy we sold the boat to gave us his old boat in the sale that's in his name only so while it's an older boat and not the model he likes he plans on selling it in short order to put some money in his pocket.

We used some of the money from the truck sale as a down payment for a new truck in his name only. Yes his credit sucks and yes the monthly payment has something like a 13% interest rate but no skin off my nose - it's his note not mine.

And how are WE doing? SO much better. We had the knock down drag out discussion around September and while there have been a few smallish bumps in the road since then by and large we're in a much better place. He finally recognizes me as his girlfriend and we see each other about 3 to 4 times a week. For the first time he bought me a Christmas present last year and we recently exchanged Valentine's Day gifts for the first time last week...this may not seem like a lot to you but this is HUGE for us. Last night he came over with a homemade treat, we had a nice dinner and watched a couple movies...all very nice. I gave him Valentine's Day cards for the first time...I seriously had never bought him a card before!

His house is still full with his aunt, uncle and cousins but hopefully he's buying a house this year. His lease is up on the house at the end of April and he hopes to have the money or a down payment before then. We've even started talking about living together, something I secretly want more than anything but know I can't push it. He's not averse to the idea but thinking it probably won't happen for a few more years.

I have a future with this man...I know he loves me and he knows I love him. He's the person I want to spend the rest of my life with for better or for worse. I guess the best news is I know he's not cheating. His life has some complexities to it right now and we're tackling them together - he knows he needs me and I know I need him but more importantly he knows I am forever loyal and he doesn't take that for granted.

In other news, we're thinking about investing in income properties - flipping houses. The market where I live is so white hot at the moment it's a great opportunity to make some serious money. And he's very handy so while I'd contract some of the work out he could do the bulk of it. Just in the beginning stages at this point but it's definitely on the "to do" list.

Well, that's it...I was a hot mess this summer and I can't thank all of you enough for your support, advice and "tell it to me straight" approach. We're in a MUCH better place now.

annb posted 2/15/2021 06:34 AM

Hi, Fanny, thanks for the update.

I just went back and read your story...proceed with caution, honestly, it's only been about six months, this guy is a repeat offender, and now all of a sudden he has an epiphany. What work has he done on himself? Therapy?

Please just be vigilant and keep your eyes wide open.

Love can sometimes be blind.

[This message edited by annb at 6:37 AM, February 15th (Monday)]

nekonamida posted 2/15/2021 07:18 AM

I'm glad that you're doing better but I also agree with Ann. Be careful and don't jump into anything that financially ties you to him too quickly.

It should never take 3 years to convince someone to be in a relationship with you. If he really didn't think you were his girlfriend when you caught him on dating sites, why did he hide it from you and try to downplay it? Just doesn't make much sense nor do I think this turn of events means he didn't cheat before. This sounds like rugsweeping the infidelity to me. Hope I'm wrong but you're always welcome to come back if things change.

FannyandCat posted 2/15/2021 08:11 AM

One clarification - the girlfriend thing...

We had never had "the talk" before and in early January as we're lying in bed I sort of spat out, "what am I to you?"

He responded, "you're my girlfriend" as if I should have already known. That's kind of the way he is...a man of few words who doesn't feel the need to make declaratory statements. I guess I just needed to hear it for peace of mind.

We've known each other for almost five years and have gone through just about every "phase" a relationship between two people can have. From enemies, to acquaintances, to work friends to more than work friends to enemies again to a sort of "fwb" thing to casually dating to a committed relationship. The road has been long, bumpy and not altogether straight. But the one constant through this unpredictable path has been our bond, our connection and our chemistry. If anything our relationship is a testament that no matter what obstacles are thrown our way we will always find a way to make it through them...together.

newlife03 posted 2/16/2021 10:35 AM

I also went back to your original thread to get some clarity (if that's possible) on your situation.

It's good that you find yourself in a good place. I'm curious, however, as to what he has done to make you feel safe. In your other thread you had noted that you didn't need to know where he was or what he was doing all the time. I hope this view has changed and that you DO you know where he is and what he does because this is part of a real relationship. I hope he has taken steps to make YOU feel safe (i.e. letting you see his phone, keeping in contact regularly, etc.).

Also "we are thinking of investing..." I would think that you learned from the last fiasco that this is NOT the time to be getting financially involved with him. Maybe in a year or two, but your episodes of emotional abuse and distrust are very recent.

I hope things really do work out for you. There's nothing more satisfying than seeing a couple struggling with infidelity get through it together.

The1stWife posted 2/17/2021 16:43 PM

Maybe you should focus on the relationship for a period of time before entering into a contractual or business endeavor.

You should take the time to just enjoy your time together without adding additional stress.

All the best

[This message edited by The1stWife at 4:51 PM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

Bigger posted 2/17/2021 18:30 PM

One firm rule-of-thumb after d-day is that once you commence on reconciling you focus on that and avoid ALL major changes and decisions like major purchases, having kids, relocating etc for at least two years.
Since you have loosened some assets and have money: How much have you two spend on IC and MC? Frankly it should be A LOT.

FannyandCat posted 2/18/2021 09:08 AM

The house flipping thing...

A lot has to happen before one red cent of my money goes into it. And besides, I have a good job so it's not like I really need to do it at all. Just something that we dream about for an early retirement.

And while we've just started the discussion on co-habitation I don't think it would happen for at least a few more years. His daughter just turned 11 so it probably wouldn't happen until she started high school. She starts 6th grade next year.

At the end of the day this has probably been the slowest evolution of a relationship in the history of ever. And while we've faced a ton of obstacles we're still on this proverbial path. Do I get annoyed because I don't see him as often as I'd like? YES. Do I wish he'd be more expressive and complimentary? YES. Is he the same person I met 5 years ago? HELL NO. I think with any relationship there's no such thing as perfect. But if the amount of things you like outweigh the amount of stuff you don't like consider yourself lucky.

HellFire posted 2/18/2021 10:17 AM

What work is he doing on himself to become a safe partner?

How often do you talk about his affairs?

Do you have full access to every account, and his phone?

Has he answered every question you've had about the affairs?

Has he gone no contact with the OW?

What work is being done to repair the relationship?

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:17 AM, February 18th (Thursday)]

NorCalLost posted 2/18/2021 15:10 PM

(((Fanny))) Thank you for the update.

It's good that you are feeling happy, but from what you've written previously I can't help but worry that you're building your life on the same broken foundation it was on before. This man is still using you - for companionship, sex, monetary gain. He has the best of both worlds. He gets to spend time with you, his benefactor, whenever he wants, and he doesn't have to be accountable for his whereabouts to you at all. Whenever he gets into any kind of financial bind, you are there to bail him out.

He gives YOU just enough to keep you hanging on.

I have a dear, sweet friend who (like you) has very little self-esteem when it comes to men. She showers her boyfriend with attention and material things, hoping that if she continues to do so, he will magically turn into the partner she deserves. And he never will, because you can't love someone into becoming an entirely different person.

I myself settled for YEARS, in order to remain in the life of two men who didn't love me, who were only using me while betraying me behind my back.

Like you, I ignored red flags and sound advice, and got my heart broken over and over and over.

Whenever they were good to me, in those fleeting moments, like you, I inhaled the hopium and felt secure - until the next betrayal, the next moment when they made me feel like I deserved to be treated badly or betrayed.

Your story has an obvious and clear trajectory to everyone but you.

You just gave him a fresh cash infusion, so things seem okay for the time being. But the cycle will continue, and he will go back to being who he is, no matter how well you treat him, how much you love him, how accepting you are of his limits on and rules for your relationship with him.

Some of us are in denial when the truth is plain as day, right in front of us. Some of us only learn lessons by living them.

Take care.

[This message edited by NorCalLost at 3:20 PM, February 18th (Thursday)]

nekonamida posted 2/18/2021 15:58 PM

I don't know, Fanny. Comparing your earlier posts to today... I just don't buy that there was any ambiguity about the relationship between you two. It's been almost a year since he asked you to sign on a truck and boat for him. I can't imagine he'd be comfortable doing that for someone he was just seeing casually unless he's a scammer and a user. Either he wasn't upfront back then or he's not being honest now by allowing you to believe he was *So CoNfUsEd* about where you two stand. He didn't seem confused when he needed your good credit for a loan. We're talking about a full grown adult man here with an average IQ, right? I just don't buy it.

Charity411 posted 2/18/2021 16:25 PM

I just have a couple of questions. Did you ever get the down payments back on the first truck and boat, or did those get traded in in lieu of down payments on the second boat and truck?

Also, what is the reasoning behind him not living with you because his daughter is only 11. Clearly he has no problem living with others because he has at least 4 people living with him now. That doesn't seem to be an issue regarding his daughter.

So why can't you push if that's what you want. You are just as entitled to expectations as he is. After all, you've been with him for 4 years, bought him a boat and a truck, and he has sex with you 3 or 4 times a week now. Why wouldn't he live with you specifically.

And aren't you remotely curious as to why it took this long after all that to finally call you his girlfriend? How many people has he introduced you to as his girlfriend?

Dismayed2012 posted 2/18/2021 22:12 PM

Very glad to hear your update FannyandCat. The changes you've made with the boat and truck put him in the drivers seat and give him something to be proud of. You're a smart woman and both of your lives will be improved with each other as partners. I wish the best for you and him in your future endeavors together. Take care of yourselves. I wish the best for you both.

FannyandCat posted 2/19/2021 07:11 AM

To answer some questions...

There was never an OW - I caught him on dating sites twice. Once in May, 2020 and again in August, 2020. He hasn't been on them since...I know because I have people checking for me. Now I realize there are a TON of dating sites out there but I can confirm he's not on bumble, tinder, match or hinge. We never talk about it because he's promised not to do it again. I've never had access to his phone. He's making more of a priority in his life and doing things he's never done before - such as celebrating Christmas, New Years and Valentine's Day with me.

The old boat came with the sale of the boat. So no down payment needed. The buyer literally just threw it in as part of the sale. We used part of the money from the truck as a down payment on the new truck. I have the money back from the sale of both the truck and the boat. I'm not a pusher as I've come to realize pushing only pushes people away. People will do what they want when they want and everyone has their own egg time so to speak. We both see a future living together eventually so when he's ready he'll tell me. As far as his current living situation goes, it's not all sunshine and daisies over there. I don't understand why his aunt, uncle and cousins don't find their own place to live - but they have a sweet deal with cheap living expenses. He's told them they're free to move out whenever they want but only the uncle is working at the moment and they can't afford a house in the area. If they moved to another part of town they could but for some reason they want to stay around here, which is by far the most expensive part of town. You can't rent a house around here for less than $2,200/month and with the uncle only making around 50k/year they don't have the debt to income ratio to qualify. They also have shitty credit and not enough in savings for a down payment on a house. He'd never tell them to leave because they're family but I know he wants them to - and the fact that they're not actively looking for a place to live gives me the impression they're sort of milking the situation for their benefit but this detriment.

What I think they want to happen is for my man to buy a house and then they'd take over his lease. But his rent is $2,000/month (he moved in 2 years ago at just under $1,900/month and it will go up with the lease renews in a couple months to about $2,100/month so it would be a stretch for them to afford it to say the least. Not my problem.

I'm not his personal piggy bank. He pays for dinner more than I do and my only real beef is that I don't spend as much time with him as I'd like - something I plan on talking to him about. My birthday is coming up in April and last year was sort of good and sort of awful. He came over and bought me dinner but his present will probably go down as the worst present ever - it was a vibrator he had initially bought for his ex-wife several years ago that she hated and never used. He regifted a sex toy he initially bought for someone else!? Now we had talked about using a vibrator (something I had never done before) but good Lord he couldn't buy a new one!? Believe me I've given him plenty of shit for that. The year before that no present at all - he took me out for drinks then took me home and...well...you can guess what happened. So hoping this year is much, much better. Again, it's been the slowest evolution of a relationship in the history of ever.

Either way, if you compare us to a year, two years or three years ago we're in a much better place. He's more affectionate, more attentive, we see each other more and he's introduced me to his friends. I'm more ingratiated into his life.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 7:34 AM, February 19th (Friday)]

HellFire posted 2/19/2021 08:06 AM

How do you know he isn't on dating sites now?

And you don't discuss it,simply because he promised not to do it again?

You are rugsweeping. This never works. It's extremely unhealthy.

We will be here, in the future, when you need us.

BluerThanBlue posted 2/21/2021 12:55 PM

You bought him a truck, a boat, and now you’re about to embark in even costlier and riskier financial endeavors with him.

All he’s had to do is spend time with you, call you his girlfriend, acknowledge your existence on holidays... basically the bare minimum required to even be considered a significant other.

But even that he’s fucked up at... A RE-GIFTED SEX TOY?! He’s either the dumbest man who ever lived or he’s an evil genius who wanted to test out just how much obscene disrespect you’re willing to take. You should’ve thrown him out on his ass immediately.

Fanny, I won’t mince words with you... you’re working very hard at convincing yourself that a toad is a prince. He is going to disappoint you again... and there’s no reason for him not, because you’ll always excuse his behavior.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:05 PM, February 21st (Sunday)]

FannyandCat posted 2/22/2021 06:46 AM

Bluerthanblue - we had talked about using a vibrator one night and he leapt from the bed and started rummaging through his closet. Couldn't find it I guess. So when he came over for my birthday I guess he had dug it up. I wasn't expecting some grand gesture but suffice to say I was very disappointed. We've had it out about it since. But I'm not one to hold a grudge or harp on things over and over. He knows how I felt about it.

And in terms of the "new financial endeavor" we've done nothing about it other than talk about it. It's literally just something to think about. I'm in no rush to do anything.

We celebrate 4 years in June...we had our first kiss on June 10, 2017. It seems like eons ago now and while there are things I wish were further along we are leaps and bounds from where we started. Some things are just worth the wait...20 years from now when we're both old and retired (I have 17 working years left according to my retirement plan) I'd like nothing more than to still be by his side sipping sweet tea on a porch. I have no doubt that as time goes on we will continue to grow closer together. There's no one that knows him as well as I do and no one he confides in more than me.

No relationship is perfect and prince charming only exists in fairy tales. As we all know relationships take work and both of us have taken strides to solidify our future together. The fact that we've made it this far after so many bumps and turns in the road is a testament to our lasting bond, connection and chemistry. Believe me both of us over the years have tried to stay away from each other but for whatever reason the universe keeps bringing us and keeping us together.

[This message edited by FannyandCat at 6:58 AM, February 22nd (Monday)]

Lalagirl posted 2/22/2021 06:50 AM

Fanny - have you ever looked up trauma bonding? Something you may want to look into.

Bigger posted 2/22/2021 06:59 AM

Frankly you don’t really paint a good picture of him: After nearly 4 years he now finally acknowledges you as his girlfriend; finally at the third Christmas he gives you a gift; he regifts you a sex-toy he got from his ex wife; he had low credit… You aren’t exactly painting the scenario of a remorseful man who wants this relationship for YOU.

You do find stories of reconciliation and recovery here on SI, but they require a lot more work than finding your ex spouses rejected vibrator and embarking on some joint get-rich-quick venture.

I do want to make one serious – like dead serious – suggestion:
If you EVER go into buying and flipping homes with him then have a legal contract outlining the major aspects of such a project. Things like in whose name the property will be in (generally the one that signs the loans), who can sell and under what conditions, residency, how profit should be calculated, what get’s paid and in what order when the property is flipped, how to finance debt if property takes longer to do up or doesn’t sell as quickly, how and who can decide what purchases are made, who pays, who oversees all income… Just outline this as if it were a business and treat it that way. This will actually HELP your relationship and HELP establish the trust that should be seriously lacking IMHO.

The1stWife posted 2/22/2021 08:08 AM

Believe me both of us over the years have tried to stay away from each other but for whatever reason the universe keeps bringing us and keeping us together.

This appears to be more of the fairy tale type thinking that you debunked in the same thread/post.

The universe is NOT bringing you together. You and you alone are allowing this relationship to continue as you wish to make this relationship happen.

It’s nothing more than that.

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