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not married yet-the whole story

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The1stWife posted 2/17/2021 07:07 AM

You rock!!!!! Yes you do. You made a hard choice and did it. In the end you know it is the right thing to do.

Regarding his stuff. Have it all in bags and at your door. Avoid any contact b/c he will start lying because thats what he knows how to do. Dont engage. Remember his ego is damaged his b/c you dumped him (though he wont admit it).

If its in bags all he has to do is pick it up and leave. No contact.

And soon you will not care what hes doing b/c you will realize hes just living a lie. If he has photos or posts or whatever its fake. All of it is fake b/c he is fake. And you dont need to continue to see that it will only annoy you.

You will heal. We all do. You will thank yourself and your lucky stars you did not marry this fraud. He has serious issues. And you deserve better than this.

I am decades from dumping a serial cheater. I was very young at the time but I knew I wasnt putting up with this crap. I can tell you the stupid woman who continued to have a relationship with him ended up being dumped by him, cheated on repeatedly and leading a miserable life trying to get this serial cheater to change. She was desperate and the serial cheater guy knew it. He had no respect for her (or anyone).

[This message edited by The1stWife at 7:12 AM, February 17th (Wednesday)]

The1stWife posted 2/17/2021 07:31 AM

Get some counseling for yourself. It will help you tremendously.

It saved my sanity during my Hs affair it will give yiu a place to vent.

And continue to vent or post here as well. That is what this site is for.

Catwoman posted 2/17/2021 07:39 AM

im just struggling with feelings of deep saddness. i feel very lost. im just wondering if any of you could provide information on how you got through this part??

All 100% normal. Of course you're grieving. That's perfectly fine. I have a couple of book recommendations for you--they will help:

It's Called A Breakup Because It's Broken is a great book analyzing breakups and why a breakup is actually a great pathway to growth. I highly recommend it. The author is a man, and uses many of his own experiences to help explain the ins and outs of breakups.

Also by the same author (and also recommended): He's Just Not That Into You. This talks about red flags in relationships and what they mean and how you should walk away from someone who isn't going to go the distance for you.

Why Men Love Bitches is a great book. Don't get put off by the title. It's actually some really good perspective on putting yourself first and not losing yourself in a relationship.

how to stop the bad thoughts?

I think counseling would really help you gain some perspective. If your employer has an EAP, that's a great place to start. Make sure you find someone who has experience in infidelity.

what you did on your day to day?

I make dates with myself when I find that I'm at loose ends. Maybe I need to clean a closet and "reward" myself with a couple of glasses of champagne. Or maybe I want to check out an antique mall or a salvage yard. Or maybe I take myself to the bookstore and get a great read and spend the rest of the day lost in some great prose. In other words, do some of the things you've neglected to do FOR YOU.


newlife03 posted 2/17/2021 09:22 AM

I am so proud of you for your strength! It takes courage to do what you've done. Like someone else said, do something nice for you, you deserve it.

provide information on how you got through this part??
how to stop the bad thoughts?
what you did on your day to day?
anything really

After the first DDay I took each day by the hour. Forget one day at a time, it was one hour at a time for me. Woke up and got the kids to school by 8, told myself to make it to 10. When 10 came I allowed myself to get to 1. 1 came along and then I looked at dealing with life for only 3 hours until 4. And so on. It really helped to break down my day and take it in little pieces.

Individual counseling can also help you learn how to move forward. And keep posting your progress here, especially if he starts intimidating you again. We are here to help you get through this.

flossy posted 2/20/2021 23:40 PM

so positive, i dont have to write on here every few hours.
its been 5 days since i broke up with him and 1.5 weeks since ive seen him in real life.

i have sooo many waves of different feelings
Im just wondering how to navigate the feelings that no one really understands.
I also find myself thinking. oh maybe he will admit to it all and we can work it out.

but i know soooo much of our relationship was a lie.

also I am really mourning the loss of my best friend. i feel like he was the only one in my life who really got me and knew me the best.
now i feel foreign. like im distant from my friends and i dont relate anymore to a lot of people

i also feel no one holds the same values as me. a lot of my friends think one night stands are ok. i dont think it is. and i never want a guy who thinks it is either.

:( anyways. deciding what im gonna do now. i live in his small town and a lot of things are triggering for me. thinking about doing something crazy. quit my nursing job. move cities and become a waitress?!

The1stWife posted 2/21/2021 06:08 AM

but i know soooo much of our relationship was a lie.

also I am really mourning the loss of my best friend. i feel like he was the only one in my life who really got me and knew me the best

Or it was all part of the lie. He pretended to understand you and get you. But in reality he was just playing you b/c he knew what to say and do to get what he wanted.

As you start to peel back the layers it may surprise you that hes not the guy you thought he was.

In my teens and early 20s I dated an alcoholic who was verbally abusive. He was jealous and insecure. I finally ended it. Next guy was a serial cheater. But he was smooth and charming. He during love me - though he pretended to love me. I was victimized by him - I was an easy target. I was young and dumb.

Except the day someone was kind enough to tell me he was a serial cheater I dumped him. I wasnt living the lie any longer. He was NEVER the person he pretended to be. He never thought I would stand up to him. He thought I would be desperate like the other girls in his life. I wasnt.

siracha posted 2/21/2021 06:32 AM

Perhaps you might want to look into locum tenens as you decide what to do next ? Moving out of this town is the next step for your healing . Hope you have a therapist to help with all this ?
People who are con artists know how to manipulate their way into honest hearts and honest people genuinely cant understand why some one would say something to manipulate them . One person is an expert in taking advantage of others ; the other is an expert at giving people the benefit of the doubt
When you see that pattern for what it is it will explain why loving empathetic people like yourself often find their soul mates in very damaged and damaging people .
You are doing exceptionally well , keep looking forward

[This message edited by siracha at 6:36 AM, February 21st (Sunday)]

tushnurse posted 2/21/2021 09:37 AM

Try some travel nursing. Do not give up your career. Get paid what you are worth and explore the country. It is an awesome way to work.

Wanttobebetter posted 2/21/2021 09:53 AM

Totally agree the above. Please don't give up on a great career because of someone else stupid choices. None of these is your fault. Sending strength.

crumbs posted 2/21/2021 13:27 PM

Adding an echo of what a strong young woman you are & that's something to be celebrated first!

You mentioned that you are a person of faith and for me, that was what I really went back to. When things felt too big & overwhelming, I dove deeper into that foundation. There are some amazing podcasts, books (audio books are great if reading is too difficult right now), counselors & online support networks that basically remind us we're not alone in what we're going through--and there is hope on the other side.

I would suggest looking up Co-Dependency. It's a trait that many of us have that we need to identify and learn to better manage. If we don't, we're almost doomed to attract other partners who will take advantage of our very nature.

It's okay to morn what you believed you had. Try hard not to build it into something it actually wasn't in real life, but it still was *that* in your heart and mind at the time. It's okay to have down days and to "feel the feels." Just don't allow those down days to take over your hopes and dreams. Set a timeframe, then put it aside and do something that moves you forward.

Let go of the idea of "never" and just acknowledge you are in a season of self-discovery and recovery. Rediscover who Flossy is on your own. What are *your* dreams and goals in life? It sounds crazy now, but in time, you're going to miss the season of being on your own & putting your needs & desires first...

Good luck!! You are well on your way ((hugs))

flossy posted 2/25/2021 15:55 PM

thank you all for replies
i am here again today to ask your opinion on whether or not i should send my bf....ex bf (still hard to say) a response letter.
so a week after the break up and i told him i would like no further contact he sent me pictures of a 12 page letter he wrote me. in this letter he appears to be very very sorry and hurting. he says how he cant sleep or focus and is so sorry for hurting me. He is finally admitting that he may have a sexual addiction. and that he is going to go to counselling to find out why. hes realizing that him being cheated on in his first relationship has made him who he is today.
i cried a lot when i read his letter and i felt deep love for him and hope that he can figure it out.
he said "i must have an addiction because all my dirty actions didnt mean anything and how could i do them when they would ruin the best thing in my life."

I wrote a letter back... i have not sent it yet. when i first wrote it i had this hope like oh maybe we will work out in the end!! I would not get back together for a year at least.
but now the more i think of it...why couldnt he have changed when i confronted him six months ago??
why was it sooo hard for him to let me look at his phone and delete girls off social media?? i just dont want to be naive anymore.

so the letter i write back to him basically says he needs to work on his self like his life depends on it because if he doesnt he will live a dark sad life.never in the letter do i say we will get back together....
im just wondering do i send it to him??
he also called my dad on the weekend crying. told him he was sorry for hurting me and my family and that he loved me a lot....
the feelings of findin noone better are real and strong right now

[This message edited by flossy at 3:59 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/25/2021 16:03 PM

If YOU need to respond for YOUR healing, then do it. Otherwise go crickets - no response. And just want to add that the strongest response is NO response at all.

If you aren't sure? Sit on your response for a minimum of 30 days (60 is better) and re-evaluate. I guarantee the longer you stay no-contact, the more you work on you, the more you see how much better life is without a cheater around, your feelings WILL change about him. I thought I would be sad forever and that I would miss my xwh forever. But the further out I got the more I feel very indifferent about him. The thought that I ever loved him honestly confuses me now.

Bottom line is that your xbf needs to work on these things for HIMSELF. And if he IS serious about working on them, he will do that regardless of whether you are around or not.

the feelings of find noone better are real and strong right now
I get this. But this is just fear talking and fear is a liar. Remind yourself that this person who your fear voice is saying is "so great" and "loves you so much" cheated on you. People who are so great and love you so much don't and never would cheat on you. Remind that little fear voice of that and tell it to sit down and shut up.

Work on you. Find your passions and interests and pursue them. Don't even think about/worry about dating right now (cus you aren't ready imho), instead learn how to love and trust yourself so hard that no one else can ever shake it.

This0is0Fine posted 2/25/2021 16:06 PM

My opinion is that he isn't accepting real blame for the actions he has taken yet.

"i must have an addiction because all my dirty actions didnt mean anything and how could i do them when they would ruin the best thing in my life."

The sentence doesn't accept blame and minimizes his actions. He is one point short of hitting a trifecta with demanding a rugsweep.

siracha posted 2/25/2021 16:22 PM

He will probably write a very sweet heart broken letter every six months to a different girl for the rest of his life; infact this letter was probably recycled too . You dont owe him anything .

[This message edited by siracha at 7:20 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]

annb posted 2/25/2021 17:15 PM

Please don't reply back. It's only going to bring about new hurts.

Move forward, I think you are doing great despite the nightmare you are living right now.

Ichthus posted 2/25/2021 18:50 PM

hes realizing that him being cheated on in his first relationship has made him who he is today.

Awe, poor guy, see its not his fault. It is someone elses fault. This is utter bullshit, my wife cheated on me. That does not make me want to cheat.

Run away and do not look back, he is in self preservation mode and will not look out for you long term.

[This message edited by Ichthus at 6:51 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/25/2021 19:07 PM

hes realizing that him being cheated on in his first relationship has made him who he is today
Soooo, you've been cheated on. Would YOU ever do that to someone else?

My guess is no.

The1stWife posted 2/25/2021 21:01 PM

Here are the 🚩

He still blames someone else for his cheating.

He is crying and suffering - boohoo poor him. (Eye roll here) If he was a better person he would have not continued to cheat after you confronted him and he saw your pain.

Hes only saying what you want to hear and what he thinks he needs to say to get you back. Typical cheater behavior. I hope you know that.

Hes a sex addict. Hmmmmm......how convenient hes suddenly realizing he has a problem. He chose to cheat - its selfish behavior. He may or may not have an addiction - funny how cheaters sho are caught are able to self diagnose

Hes able to beg snd cry and make a show of hes sorry. But will he still be sorry and willing to stay in therapy and really confront his issues? Only time will tell.

I would not respond to his letter.

And FWIW I have 15 friends who were cheated on during the dating phase. They married the cheater. And in every case the cheating continued throughout the marriage. The cheater expects the betrayed to continue to be a doormat and the cheater just views them as weak.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:01 PM, February 25th (Thursday)]

Catwoman posted 2/26/2021 09:19 AM

hes realizing that him being cheated on in his first relationship has made him who he is today.

In other words, it's not his fault he is a serial cheater.

He's "going" to go to counseling. He doesn't know why he did what he did, etc., etc., etc.

This is right out of the cheater's handbook. They sway you with words and promises they have no intention of keeping.

Burn the response. Don't respond to him. Give him the time and space to figure himself out, but don't be letting him do this on YOUR TIME.

Seriously, what do you have to lose except a cheater? If he actually gets his act together, goes to counseling, owns his shit and makes the changes and ACTS the changes, then you could reconsider.

However, let me caution you: these changes are damn hard to make. They involve confronting parts of oneself that are ugly and nasty (kind of like turning over a rotten log in the woods and seeing all the creepy-crawlies underneath).

I would go on with creating your fabulous new life. It's highly unlikely that he will change.

No Contact brings you perspective and that has a lot of value. Right now, you're newly out and still spinning in his wake. In a few more weeks, you'll have more perspective on the kind of person he is and the kind of person you are.

I still highly recommend IC. It's going to be so very helpful for you.


Lalagirl posted 2/26/2021 09:52 AM

Part of his "addiction" is having you pine for him while he screws around. You were his "fix" - don't be his fix. You've been doing great.

I would not respond at all. If he continues, I would pay an attorney to send him a cease and desist letter to show that you mean business. But no written or verbal communication should come from you.

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