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not married yet-the whole story

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EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 12:55 PM

It's not 'wrong' to contact the OW, but it also generally isn't helpful for you. I'd take anything an AP says with a huge grain of salt. They are known liars and typically have zero reason to share anything with the BS. If they were nice people with morals, they wouldn't be doing anything with someone who's in a committed relationship.

I very much understand searching for the truth, but your chances of getting that from the ow are pretty slim.

In my case, the ap told me she was sorry and that she'd back off to my face when I confronted her in person the day after dday1. 6 months later she was in my bed with my (now ex thank goodness!) husband when I was out of town. I know it's a bitter pill to swallow early on, but the ow doesn't owe you anything. Your bf is the one who wronged you.

sisoon posted 2/14/2021 12:59 PM

I know my story is not as serious as others as i am not married.
As SD said, betrayal hurts. It hurts immensely.
he cheated on his ex gfs....
Well, that could have been because his prefrontal cortex was still incomplete, but ...
he told me he never had.
He said that when it - he - is mature enough that he has to take full responsibility for lying.

IOW, your relationship is built, in part, on his lie. I have a hard time getting past that.

he said he would go to counselling. he hasnt. but says hes just really scared.
So ... he's more scared of counseling, which can benefit him whether you stay or go, than he is of losing you.

*****

Look, I think R is possible for every couple, if both partners are willing to work for it. Your BF looks like a lousy candidate for R - and I take that from your own words.

The guy may have potential, but he shows no evidence of realizing it.

He's not a good match for you.

squid posted 2/14/2021 13:25 PM

The OW has about as much character as your BF. I wouldn't get too upset over the way she treats you.

I told my mom about everything yesterday.. i said it as if it were a friend it was happening to. and she said ohh that guy needs to be dumped asap. then i told her it was me and my bf. and she said i know this is crazy but it changes her opinion. because she really thinks my boyfriend is a good, kind person.

Your mom's 1st intuition was right. Dump him ASAP. He's been able to fool everyone. But then you pulled off his mask. I'm willing to bet there are MANY more inappropriate messages with many more women than you know.

Cheaters lie. Period. They promise one thing, then do the opposite.

You are young and have a lot of great years ahead of you. The fear of being single should never outweigh the thought of being with someone who does not respect you or treat you right.

The1stWife posted 2/14/2021 13:55 PM

Hes a good person but........

Therefore hes not a good person.

Fletcher posted 2/14/2021 14:05 PM

When you mentioned that "he'll do anything for me" it resonated with my situation as i'm sure it will for others.

I can go back and recollect some of the nice things my ww did for me during their affair.

Thoughtful xmas gifts, birthday presents, cards, fathers day things, etc. various times telling me you deserve it: "go hunting" , "go golfing" etc while the whole time she was living a second life.

I'm not experienced on giving advice here and am not in your shoes, but have gone through this twice unfortunately. I can't stress enough to listen to the advice you've been given here. You're 28 & single with many years ahead of you.

Unlike some of us here where this happens 10-15-20yrs down the road, married, kids, house etc. Whether we choose to r or d the situation can become more complicated.



flossy posted 2/14/2021 14:08 PM

I feel like all your replies are soo helpful!! make me realize how i have been pretty naive and stupid.
however I just cant end it so quick... because im so scared

i just need an opinion on whether you think the idea of going no contact with my boyfriend and seeing if he will:
1.go to counselling
2.give me a timeline
3.tell his mom
4. change his actions around his phone--ie not letting me see it


is this too hopeful?
i never outlined what i wanted prior to this so i cant really blame him for not doing it yet

HellFire posted 2/14/2021 14:23 PM

Hmm. Why do you need to tell him what he should be doing?

He certainly figured out how to have several affairs, without anyone telling him what to do. He managed to know how to take things further underground, every time you've caught him, without anyone telling him how.

He clearly has access to a computer. How hard is it to Google "what do I need to do to become safe,after infidelity?"??


Sweetheart, he is taking advantage of your love for him. He knows you are scared to break up, and he is using that.

He cheats because he wants to. Because he doesn't care enough to be faithful. He cheats because he knows you are too scared to leave him.

He's a serial cheater. No, he wouldn't do anything for you, because he won't stop cheating. He's a liar, and an abuser.

What's worse? Being single, or sharing your boyfriend with several other women?

By staying with this jerk, it guarantees when a good man comes along, he will pass you by, because you are in a relationship, and you will have missed out on a man who will treat you well.

This boyfriend is not a good man. If he cheats on you now, he certainly will once married.

Hr puts on a good act in front of people. But he is not a good man. He's actually pretty awful.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 14:42 PM

Please stop. He's a grown-ass man. You should not be having to tell him to do basic things and treat you with basic human decency.

I know you're scared. But ask yourself this, is it more scary to think of dumping this asshat, or marrying him and then having him cheat and having this issue with mortgages and kids involved? Spoiler: it's waaaay harder to make a clean break once lives get intertwined.

Dating is a snapshot of what kind of spouse this person will be. He has failed this test. He's not been faithful to you AT ALL, EVER. Why do you think you don't deserve better than this cheating liar?

Fletcher posted 2/14/2021 15:41 PM

as far as the phone, computer, email accounts, apps etc....you will find that hyper vigilance is exhausting and only causes further worrying.

not saying anyone shouldn't have access to anything and everything, but that it's very easy with technology to go underground if you want to.

there are times that i get frustrated with it and how easily it can facilitate an affair, but then i stop because my WW made choices.

I've gone down the technology rabbit hole and have learned enough to:
1. find out about my WW affair
2. how much work goes into trying to "find out" out and afterwards being hyper vigilant which is exhausting and nerve wracking

I'm sorry you are here

DIFM posted 2/14/2021 15:55 PM

i never outlined what i wanted prior to this so i cant really blame him for not doing it yet

Does one really have to explicitly tell a partner that dishonesty, or lying, or inappropriate behaviors with other women is not acceptable? Own that you did once give him a deal breaker stance.

But, If you want to give him this gift of another chance by telling him:

1.go to counselling
2.give me a timeline
3.tell his mom
4. change his actions around his phoneie not letting me see it

Go ahead and do that. But if you waiver ever one small moment, or by the slightest level of firmness, none of it will have mattered. Tell him and expect him to own knowing how to do it and then do it. If you have to follow up with explanations or directions or how to, or listen to his gaslighting reasons he doesn't need to anymore, it is time to just cut ties. Over. End it. Tell him what you need, stand back and watch. If you have to be his nanny in doing it.......you will pay a price.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 19:12 PM

I know this is getting redundent. but my mind is playing tricks and i keep thinking
it maybe wasnt that bad. its just online and there was never any feelings or meetings in person...
ugh
today i texted him "please do not come over. i do not want any contact"
cause i know he would try to come over and do something nice for valentines day
i am feeling mean

[This message edited by flossy at 7:13 PM, February 14th (Sunday)]

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 19:20 PM

That's a trauma response.

Cheating IS that bad. Full stop.

And not to sound overly suspicious but you don't know that it wasn't physical or that it won't go there. All you have is wbf's word, which means less than nothing at this point because he is a proven cheater.

Fwiw, my xwh didn't "do" anything except sexting according to him on dday1. I believed him too cus "it wasn't that bad". Come to find out, he was (and I quote) "dry humping and making out" with his twatap at work around dday1, and gifted me with a second dday when I found out he had a slumber party with her nasty ass in MY house 6 months after he supposedly quit taking to her even tho he was "so sorry and loved me more than anything".

Cheaters lie.
Then they lie some more.
Then they lie about their lies.

ETA: they are more than capable of lying like that to your face even when they're crying and telling you how much they love you and how sorry they are. Ask me how I know that.

[This message edited by EllieKMAS at 7:22 PM, February 14th (Sunday)]

ChamomileTea posted 2/14/2021 19:40 PM

its just online and there was never any feelings or meetings in person...

This behavior escalates if it goes untreated. Ask me how I know

In today's world of online porn and sexting, it's really easy for a young person to believe that their masturbatory habits don't affect their relationships. But it's not true. Typically what develops is an unhealthy relationship with sex which inhibits REAL relationships and sex with a committed partner.

This behavior feeds the brain. It's like a feel-good biochemical cocktail which elicits a little buzz of things like dopamine and adrenaline. After awhile, it takes more risk to get the same effect, thus the escalation. This biochemical effect is reinforced by the flattery and external validation of online and/or sexting partners. So, basically you're looking at a "drug" which works both biologically and psychologically.

You're dealing with a guy who doesn't have boundaries and who obviously does not share your values regarding fidelity and honesty. If he did, you couldn't get him to cheat with a gun to his head. So, it's a total tear-down if you're going to take this guy back. He's going to need to get treatment for his porn/sexting abuse, give those things up entirely as an alcoholic would do, and he's going to need to get right with his core values and protect those values with meaningful boundaries. Do you think he's capable of that? He's 30 and he still lives with his mom. It doesn't sound like he's got a whole lot of drive.

Theoretically, no cheater is beyond hope. It all depends on whether they're REALLY willing to work or not. It's pretty easy for your cheater to blow a little sunshine up your skirt and make you believe he's willing to change. But change is hard, and fewer than you might think actually accomplish it.

Queen posted 2/14/2021 20:01 PM

Many years ago, my boyfriend cheated on me. I married him. He cheated on me over and over again over the next 26 years. He would gaslight me and I would blame myself for his behavior. In the end, he left me. He left me completely broken. I had allowed myself to be destroyed because I loved him and I believed he loved me. Now I know that people who love you don't treat you like that.

I know it's hard but please leave him. Get into counseling. Go no contact. Comfort yourself with the fact that if he gets counseling and changes, you can take him back years from now. The good news is, by then, you won't want him. Trust me when I say, you cannot imagine how much better your life is going to be without him. It's gonna hurt for a while but then you'll wonder why you ever loved him in the first place.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 20:29 PM

wow thank you so much for the reply
this has really helped me so much
i actually cried when i read your reply Queen
i just need to keep reading everyones reply. because my mind continues to intermittently change.

I am finding it so hard right now as i am having to be really firm with him and he is hurt

Sofarsogood posted 2/14/2021 21:18 PM

Gee, he is hurt because you're having to be firm with him due to the unfaithful choices he made...actions have consequences. How much was he thinking of you when he made the decisions he made? Please respect and protect yourself.

flossy posted 2/14/2021 21:40 PM

Just tell me this

is it better to live a single life- never marry and have children.

then to marry someone who has been unfaithful online. and live a possibly happy life.

this is now what my mind is saying
im really scared of decision making
i know you all probably think this is pathetic.. which it kind of is. normally im a confident independent girl.
im just scared of being alone.
it took me so long to find him.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 22:09 PM

Honey you're 28. You have PLENTY of opportunity to meet a GOOD guy and get married and have kids.

Marry this guy and your marriage will not be a happy one. He's a serial cheater and a completely immature jerk. I can almost guarantee that you'd be looking at a lot more ddays in your future. At which point you'll be well older than 28. Go read my response on your thread over in the reconciliation forum. YOU DESERVE BETTER. Don't settle for some dude like this. It will be a complete waste of your time and effort - both of which you'd do better spending on YOU.

Please stop thinking that he's your 'last chance'. He isn't, I promise you that.

EllieKMAS posted 2/14/2021 22:15 PM

Adding this. I've been here on SI for 2.5 years now and if I had a dollar for every BS on here that is now dealing with a cheating spouse, a pregnant OW, watching their children getting destroyed by infidelity; many of which married their bf's after said bf cheated on them... I'd have a LOT of dollars. Like... A LOT.

Seriously, read around. Ask around on here. Ask how many BS's now wish they'd never married that cheating bf/gf and had broken it off before marriage and kids were in the picture.

Don't buy into the "you'll never get married" thing. That's fear talking. Fear will keep you sucked in to some really screwed up situations and will NOT help you make healthy decisions. But fear is a liar. It really is.

flossy posted 2/15/2021 02:25 AM

The more i read these forums the more i realize i barely got the truth.
when i found the messages i was only on his phone/computer for maybe 10-15 minutes at a time cause i only had a small window where he left it open.
I feel like im addicted to knowing the full truth
anyone used DR fone??

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