SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you Cooley2here, thank you EllieKMAS.

You are right, no good qualifications make up for his horrible behaviour.

There is more to my story.

It hurts me so I avoid talking about it, but he started his double life 7 months after I was diagnosed with cancer. Until then he would say that he couldn’t live without me. The diagnosis was not good, but I am doing great now. Despite the doctors’ surprise, I am in total remission. I am already back to work, I feel great. I have been very strong during the whole time but he wasn’t.

He and his AP work in a hospital setting. They both deal with cancer patients. He tells me how much the patients like him, how important his work is for the cancer patients. I am not sure what to think about this. How can you be so caring for patients at work but ignore the one at home? How could he and his ap work with these people witnessing the trauma they are going through but continue their disgusting affair?

Time to stop venting and start taking steps for a better future.

[This message edited by Merti at 4:50 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

Well, you know all about kicking cancer's ass then merti! (That is amazing news too, btw - so glad you are in remission!)

Think of him like an emotional cancer - until you 'cure' that one way or another, you are gonna be stuck dealing with it. I know it's hard to make that decision but truly spend some time thinking about what YOU want and need, and what you need to do to get there. Your life is way too short and way too precious to spend one more minute of it on someone who doesn't enhance it!

Congratulations on your remission!!

I’m sorry but wtf?

Your WH sounds like a weak, spineless, backstabbing cockwomble

Abuse & manipulation doesn’t have to be delivered with violence & aggression, just because your not covered in bruises doesn’t mean your not being abused!!

don’t be fooled by his lack of temper while he’s treating you so abysmally & with such disrespectfullness.

You deserve to be someone’s everything, every minute of every day you can’t receive that because he’s right there, as long as he is living beside you he knows damn well you won’t move on with your life & your happiness,

Take back control of your future, find your inner strength,

Nothing will change until YOU change it,

[This message edited by BigBlueEyes at 5:47 PM, February 5th (Friday)]

He tells me how much the patients like him, how important his work is for the cancer patients. I am not sure what to think about this. How can you be so caring for patients at work but ignore the one at home? How could he and his ap work with these people witnessing the trauma they are going through but continue their disgusting affair?

They can do stuff like that because they're just THAT self-centered. I get the feeling that you're still secretly smoking the Hopium pipe, hoping against all the evidence in front of you that underneath it all, your WH is still a good guy. But he's not. Looking for the positives has served you well in your fight against cancer and most likely in life altogether. Up 'til now. Now, it's keeping you stuck and strung out on Hopium, living in limbo with this dead albatross tied to your neck. He's keeping you from living the life you deserve.

You know, I look at EllieKMas's posts to you and I'm reminded that her story is very similar to yours. Talk to her about it. Look how vibrant and full of life she is now. She KNOWS exactly what you're going through because she went through it herself with a recalcitrant WH who was NOT willing to change. If you need some HOPE, there she is; smiling, enjoying life, and gushing with good humor. She practically sparkles, and I almost always catch myself smiling at her quick wit when I read her posts. That can be YOU!.. happy again and moving on with your life.

Think about it. And remember what I said earlier... "IMPEDIMENT".

((hugs))

What’s preventing him from moving in full-time with the GF?

Absolutely nothing. That is why I left for several months. For him to leave. When I asked why he is still around, he told me he doesn’t want to live with her.

He told me many times that he wants to hang out w her part time. Happy hours and drinks. Being in the crowds. He enjoys to impress everyone. He doesn’t need to as he is a succesful person. I kicked him out when I found out about his lies for the first time and didn’t let him come home. I went NC. He wanted to come back after a month crying that he learned his lesson, he cannot live without me (Lies, and false reconciliation). He was really convincing.

Back to the present time, he says he is not lying to me anymore, not hiding anything anymore, he wants to change but doesn’t know how to, he doesn’t want to live like that, we should start a new life somewhere else etc etc. I do not respond to him and go find something else to do. In addition, he has been drinking a lot after work and comes home intoxicated. Takes care of his health horribly.

[This message edited by Merti at 12:47 PM, February 6th (Saturday)]

Barcher144-

That is an amazing analogy. Thank you.

Actually, I would suggest you both go through counseling and see what happens. Most men will leave and quickly. If he is not after the house, then truly he loves you. If a man is willing to bend over backwards with no rewards involved, then he has true feelings. And sex for most men is just sex. They separate sex and love very easily. Why he hasn't separated from the other woman, now that doesn't make sense, except 'having his cake and eating it too' as the saying goes. And this would be where going to a counselor would come in.

I have no advice but i do have sympathy as I am the same way. Only my husband IS a jerk and I still have trouble and make excuses as to why I cant throw him out

I suggest therapy to get to the bottom of why you are letting him stay.

And see an attorney, i had a post nuptial agreement drawn up last year.

Merti - I'm not a professional counselor but your situation sounds like abuse. It's really horrible he tells you he still sees this person. It's also horrible they aren't honest with you and keep you in the relationship by being nice.

The reality is he is not nice. What he is doing is abusing you emotionally. YES, it would be better if he just told you the truth of the matter and left, but he's using you (for what reason, I don't know).

You obviously have a kind heart --- HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THAT. That is cruel behavior.

I have gone through the same thing. The affair isn't want caused me so much harm, it was the behavior afterwards and the fact that my wife is trying to win me back even when I know she has continued to be unfaithful is absolely monserous behavior.

So I encourage you to get away from him -- out of the house. I encourage you to tell him that he needs to get help on his own. Marriage counseling will not work when there is emotional abuse going on. He needs to get help. If he can't/won't do that, then do you really think he cares about you? I'm sorry to put it that way, but it makes me mad the people think they can treat others this way. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS.

He abandoned you at the worst time of your life.

In my world there is no coming back from that.

I’m glad you are recovered and healthy. You deserve better.

Thank for your responses.

CoderMom, I see a therapist, but he doesn’t. Marriage therapy will not help as the problem is his behaviour, I would say that we had a loving marriage so what he did was a shock to me.

Routerx, I agree that this is emotional abuse. I tell him he can live the way he wants, but first he should move out, then we can discuss separation or divorce. I am already in a tough period in my life and I wouldn’t want to get a divorce right away. I never had depression, but I might be close to it after all of these. Divorce will make it worse, so I need to get there step by step.

I have this question:

He shows genuine interest when he is around me. I do not respond to him but I can tell he is honest. He says what he did was wrong, but he feels stuck and doesn’t know how to get out of it. For example, he has gained a lot of weight and looks depressed. That also makes me think that he is telling the truth. He wants us to move to another city and start over. I cannot leave this city as my family, job and doctors are here.

Is there anything I can do to help us? Or is he the only one that can change this situation? I sometimes think that if I just act in a certain way, I can change things. (Don’t get me wrong, I don’t do the “pick me” dance even for a second).

When I get to the point of divorce, I need to belive that I did everything I can, and I don’t want to dwell on what ifs.

[This message edited by Merti at 12:33 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

Is there anything I can do to help us?

From personal experience I think the only thing you can do to help the marriage is to work on yourself diligently. Figure out your boundaries and consequences, detach, do self-care and live according to your values. Sometimes when one person embarks on a healing journey the other person, out of fear of being left behind, does the same. Even if he doesn't you will be far better off for doing that work.

He may have sincere interest in you and want the relationship, but he's clearly not willing to give up the AP. His depression may be more related to being in limbo than due to some unrelated emotional angst, that once resolved will eliminate his infidelity. My XSA was and is still very much in love and wants a future with me but never ceased his cheating. I have seen that he's been sad to lose me but not sad enough to tackle his issues. He's sad that he can no longer have his double life like he did before dday.

Merti:

There is a recurring theme in your WH’s ramblings. Let’s assume for a moment he is being honest. That’s a huge assumption as everything he does seems to point to a cake eater enjoying a BW and his AP. But let’s assume for the sake of argument.

He says he wants to change. He doesn’t want to be the same guy any more. He wants to move away and get a fresh start. But we both know that moving away will not solve anything. He can’t run away from himself. He will still be the same man but in a different locale. If he really is being honest with you he needs to show through his actions. He needs to be in therapy. He needs to go total no contact with his AP. He should be jumping at the chance to do these things and more for you. You asked if there is anything you can do to help us? My response would be no. He has to want to change enough for himself, to become a better person, regardless of the outcome of your M. He needs to take action. Sorry you are going through this. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 3:08 PM, March 6th (Saturday)]

He doesn’t know what to do? He’s gained weight and is depressed? Boo -f’in -hoo!!!

He had enough brain power to cheat he should put forth the same effort to figure out how to reconcile and make amends.

His lack of action (except a half baked idea to move away) is a huge 🚩. He’s lazy and expecting you to fix it.

See him for what he is. He abandoned you when you were ill and showed his true colors. Now he’s wanting to R but he’s expecting YOU to do all the heavy lifting.

He minimalizes it and says: I am only seeing her a couple times a week, I am trying to separate, let’s escape and start over somewhere new etc etc

So that makes it fine then? A couple of times a week versus the fact that he’s still living with you. Maybe you should be grateful? Based on this and other things you said, this guy is full of self importance and maybe the issue is that losing you would be a failure and he’s not accustomed to that. My XWH did the same to me: weeks with us, weekends with her. In his mind he was being more than fair. But the reality is I let him do it and that reinforced his f***ed up belief that this was an equitable arrangement. And when I had enough and kicked him out, he was genuinely shocked and distraught. But never left the AP. I think that, after a while, the A becomes a sort of addiction and they need to score that high, whatever the emotional cost. Your husband is no exception.

Obviously, if you want to try R that’s your prerogative. But if you have been on SI long enough, you will know that the conditio sine qua non is that the WS leaves the affair and goes NC with the AP. Your husband is not willing to do that, but still wants to work things out. I am sorry Merti, but from where I am looking, this scenario has already gone too far. Especially when you add to the mix that he started the affair when you were at your most vulnerable, straight after you were delivered the worst news of your life. Who does that but a complete and utter coward?

You have now been given a second lease on life. Why waste it on being sad and finding excuses for a man who has already let you down in the most despicable way and who continues to do so, and not just twice a week, but every minute of every day? You are better than that. And there’s a whole new life out there waiting for you! If you need some encouragement, read some of the positive stories on New Beginnings, to see what’s possible after turning your back on abuse and deceit

[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:47 AM, March 7th (Sunday)]